Throwing in the towel. Maybe "they" were right.

[OneFootOut]

So, I've removed myself from all the date sites I've been checking out, even the one I have been a paid member of for going on 3 years.

 

All this time, I have been hearing from guys who get to know me online... "I wish I could find 'someone like you'."

 

Hello? I'm right here.

 

If they aren't saying that, they are telling me - if only I was this way or that way... if I would just fix (this whole list of things about myself) they would date me. Of course statements like that make me feel like they think they would be doing me a favor??? As if I would date them anyway.

 

I don't feel I should have to struggle to change anything to live up to someone else's expectations. Take me as I am.

 

However... as the years have gone by, reality has been sinking in. Maybe I should "fix myself", at least the things I can. Then take another shot at the dating game. I'm still not wearing heels, tight shirts, and short skirts for anyone, but there are some things I could work on that would benefit me as well

 

Have any of you changed your appearance, lifestyle, or anything to improve your relationship odds?

 

Did you get different results??

[Eddie Edirol]

I changed everything. Wore better styled and fitted clothes. Learned how to talk to women, and learned what to avoid doing to turn them off. Started working out with amazing results. Instead of saying no to activities, I learned to say yes and learn from the experience, and usually have fun. I actually had to learn to not be a downer. It wasnt until I stopped being a downer that I realized people dont like to hang around downers, but they never tell you. Learned to not NEED anyone. Thats a big one. When youre able to walk away from anything, its amazing who comes running after you. I learned what looks more sexy to women in terms of my looks. I changed everything, and it works amazingly. And I was the one Id never change just to be attractive to other people. One day, I said, I had to try it because what I was doing then wasnt working.

 

You might be amazed, maybe you might learn to like the way you look in heels and short skirts. You dont have to struggle with any changes if you wind up liking them. Its just about getting over the rebellious hump.

Edited November 12, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

[colliejoanie]

I changed everything. Wore better styled and fitted clothes. Learned how to talk to women, and learned what to avoid doing to turn them off. Started working out with amazing results. Instead of saying no to activities, I learned to say yes and learn from the experience, and usually have fun. I actually had to learn to not be a downer. It wasnt until I stopped being a downer that I realized people dont like to hang around downers, but they never tell you. Learned to not NEED anyone. Thats a big one. When youre able to walk away from anything, its amazing who comes running after you. I learned what looks more sexy to women in terms of my looks. I changed everything, and it works amazingly. And I was the one Id never change just to be attractive to other people. One day, I said, I had to try it because what I was doing then wasnt working.

 

You might be amazed, maybe you might learn to like the way you look in heels and short skirts. You dont have to struggle with any changes if you wind up liking them. Its just about getting over the rebellious hump.

 

I like this. And I like OP's post. I'm going through this kind of as well. I've decided to change some things about myself for the better in order to attract better people.

 

I'm off dating sites until I feel better about myself, physically, spiritually, financially and emotionally. Its amazing what bad relationships can do to a person.....especially if that person doesn't care enough about themselves to get better!

 

OP, you seem to have the self confidence....i've read some of your posts.....but I think if you start working out you'll be surprised who you will attract.....let alone how much better you'll feel about yourself!!!!

[OpenBook]

Have any of you changed your appearance, lifestyle, or anything to improve your relationship odds?

 

Did you get different results??

 

Yes --

1. I grew my hair long.
   
2. Lost 25 lbs.
   
3. Started paying attention to what I wore / makeup every time I left the house.
   
4. Played the numbers. Dated a lot of toads. It was good practice.
   

Within a few months, I had a great BF whom I met thru a family member's friends.

[MaxNoob]

It wasnt until I stopped being a downer that I realized people dont like to hang around downers, but they never tell you.

 

Laugh and the world Laughs with you- Cry and you Cry alone.

[daphne]

I changed everything. Wore better styled and fitted clothes. Learned how to talk to women, and learned what to avoid doing to turn them off. Started working out with amazing results. Instead of saying no to activities, I learned to say yes and learn from the experience, and usually have fun. I actually had to learn to not be a downer. It wasnt until I stopped being a downer that I realized people dont like to hang around downers, but they never tell you. Learned to not NEED anyone. Thats a big one. When youre able to walk away from anything, its amazing who comes running after you. I learned what looks more sexy to women in terms of my looks. I changed everything, and it works amazingly. And I was the one Id never change just to be attractive to other people. One day, I said, I had to try it because what I was doing then wasnt working.

 

You might be amazed, maybe you might learn to like the way you look in heels and short skirts. You dont have to struggle with any changes if you wind up liking them. Its just about getting over the rebellious hump.

 

What he said.

 

People that tell themselves "they should love me the way I am" are simply hard headed and refuse to take a good look at improving themselves. I think of it as lazy and entitled. I'm not saying someone has to do a major overhaul, but there are certain general things that attract a larger pool of potential people. Keep in mind the type of guy you're looking for, and use the bait for that type. Anything else is illogical.

 

Personally, I did all of what Eddie mentioned too. Learned to be more lighthearted, more easy going, have fun, not be a kill joy, not be "too cool" to try new things and look retarded. It opened my personality up and I went from being fairly introverted to fairly extroverted. I stopped dressing like a tomboy all of the time and learned to dress well, wear makeup. Grew my hair long. Soon after making a lot of these changes, I started attracting a much larger number of guys. And honestly, I attract a better quality as well.

[Leigh 87]

For me, I simply do not expect people to want to date me and be with me, unless I have something amazing to offer.

 

I am seeing a guy, however, things were not fun with us, because I did not like who I was, and therefore did not think I was a good person for ANY one to have - I was not offering an amazing, fun, positive person.

 

He still loved me, however, it was obviously necessary to change things and better myself, so I like who I am enough to KNOW that I am a great girl for my guy.

 

 

We all go through slumps, EVEN WHEN you DO find a guy who thinks your amazing, you may wel well lose your job, gain weight, stop being fun: EVen people WHO DO imrpove themselves enough to attract great dates, EVEN THEY need to continually try to be a good version of themeslves.

 

 

Right now? I am working on:

 

- getting ajob, preferably in the career path I like

- I quit smoking

- I am doing some exercise every day, and have started going back to my gym

- try to be a happy and positive person to be around

- try to listen to others well, and keep my own problems to myself, unless I have close people to me that mutually share their issues, and genuinely WANT to know how I am...

 

 

 

Those are just a few things I am begining to put into place.

 

OH

 

- I am very messy, and I have started to cllean up after myself.

 

While my boyfriend is away for a week, I am going to give his house a little clean, seeing as we both live there.

 

 

 

 

I always want to be a person that I knwo my partner will really love being around!

 

 

Each person has different preferences, of course. HOwever, some things are traits that EVERY one likes:

 

- have a fun, positive attitude

 

That is the number one thing I know all people want to be around, and that is the thing I am working on embracing more.

 

 

 

I wish u luck in changing for the better, just remember that u do not have to changeALL the unique, fundamental characteristics that make you YOU.

 

However; try to pick the things about you, that you feel you could benifit changing.

 

 

No one is asking you to change who you are! However, you have to offer up a good package, you have to be a person people WANT to date and be around a lot.

 

Perhaps you could try looking at yourself from the outside; no, it is not good to attract guys only using your appearance, HOWEVER: it is still good to learn how to dress to flatter your figure.

 

If you have nice legs, try to learn to enjoy wearing shorter skirts! Just wear a conservative top to balance the short skirt out. No one is asking u to dress like a sl*T.

 

Sexual attraction is important, in addition to your personality; work out at the gym or outside the gym 3 - 5 days a week, get fit and healthy, and wear clothes that SHOW your body shape, rather than hide your body because you :" want guys to pick you for your personality..." please...

 

 

My guy wanted me based on the feeling he got about me, however; if I turned up in a potato sack that did not show my body shape, and wore no make up, I am sure he would not have bothered with a sexual relationship.

 

 

HE has since seen me WITHOUT make up, and loves me the same; however, I am slim and try to keep myself in shape, and weat clothes that show my figure.

 

 

 

 

Lastly: I see many women who just have zero interest in execise or eating well, BESIDES their day job ( on their feet).

 

They have nice boyfriends, however........... Look, I just feel that working out and making fitness and your body a priority, it really improves your mood, mind frame, confidence, and SEX LIFE.

 

 

Those are all the things I can think of, in terms of advice to give you, from my own experience and other peoples I have heard aboutl.

[Leigh 87]

Oh - just so you know,

 

With me, my boyfriend liked me and all ( hence why he was with me),

however, he said he wishes I had a positive attitude, had more fun, and was a little mroe advernterous and random, and less high maintenance.

 

I did not take this as a personal affront: I actually thought " wow, I would be a much happier PERSON if I embraced those characteristics more"

 

There is a difference between saying " if you were 10 lbs smaller and got a noce job u would be perfect" and saying " gee, u could benifit from being a little more positive and having more fun and showing off your body more"

 

 

Even if I do not work out with my boyfriend, I am still interested in changing the things about me that he suggested, as it is benifiting me, personally.

[betterdeal]

I don't feel I should have to struggle to change anything to live up to someone else's expectations. Take me as I am.

 

How about changing for the sake of it instead? For the sense of achievement and self-satisfaction.

 

Some women wear mini-skirts to please men; other wear them to please themselves. The difference being one enjoys the attention they get but doesn't lose her sense of self when she gets it. She doesn't do it to please men; she pleases men to please herself. Just because guys dribble and drool over her legs doesn't mean they get a free pass into her knickers.

[OneFootOut]

I don’t think people who say “take me the way I am” are at all lazy or egotistical or have some sense of entitlement. I’m 44 years old, and have been through hell. I'm happy to just be walking and talking at this point. Who am I trying to impress anyway? Take me the way I am, and I will take you the way you are.

 

When I was younger, I was a size 5 petite and pretty cute. I still wore the same style of clothes that I do now, still had the long hair, and am still pretty much who I have always been. Actually I haven’t changed much appearance-wise over the years except for body size. When I was one of the “fit pretty ones” I attracted shallow jerks because they only looked at the outside.

 

The men I wanted to attract seemed to think they weren't good looking enough, or on my level or something. One man I was interested in told me years later that he never felt good enough for me because I had those 'studs' chasing after me. That was disappointing, because I've always valued what's inside more than looks.

 

I guess in some way, my attitude now is that I am looking for a man who is NOT shallow and does NOT judge or choose based on looks. I am looking for that one who will see me as a whole, and get to know and love who I am, not what I am... if that makes any sense.

 

No offense toward anyone, but I see women every day who would make 2 or 3 of me, wearing sweats and moo moos, no make up, and look plain as ever who have a doting, loving, supportive mate beside them that thinks they are the best thing since sliced bread. That is the kind of mate I want. Someone who will value and care for the person I am no matter what life does to the outside.

 

I don’t want to have to turn myself into someone else, someone I’m not, or to put myself in uncomfortable clothes just to be what someone else wants. Maybe I will never find this one guy, maybe I will be single the rest of my life, or maybe he is just around the corner... who knows.

 

Right now, I’m just going to stop actively looking and start enjoying my life as if everything is perfect and wonderful already. I do wish there was someone to share that with, and walk beside me while I do make some changes... IF I do... but if he requires a certain look, which then would have to be diligently maintained, then I don’t need him.

 

What if I was to transform myself and slim down and get fit and change my style, and then those very men who rejected me today were suddenly interested? Could I ever believe they 'love me for me'? I think not.

[betterdeal]

Fair points. But if you haven't changed your look and your problem when you were younger was you attracted superficial attention, maybe a different look would attract deeper attention? Maybe a slightly more bookish look will be less intimidating to the men you're attracted to?

 

I know that's still dressing to impress (a certain image) but, to a degree, we all do that, men and women. Anyway, as you say, you don't need to do anything for anyone, and enjoying life because of the simple fact you can enjoy it is a great choice to make

[Negative Nancy]

I don’t think people who say “take me the way I am” are at all lazy or egotistical or have some sense of entitlement. I’m 44 years old, and have been through hell. I'm happy to just be walking and talking at this point. Who am I trying to impress anyway? Take me the way I am, and I will take you the way you are.

 

When I was younger, I was a size 5 petite and pretty cute. I still wore the same style of clothes that I do now, still had the long hair, and am still pretty much who I have always been. Actually I haven’t changed much appearance-wise over the years except for body size. When I was one of the “fit pretty ones” I attracted shallow jerks because they only looked at the outside.

 

The men I wanted to attract seemed to think they weren't good looking enough, or on my level or something. One man I was interested in told me years later that he never felt good enough for me because I had those 'studs' chasing after me. That was disappointing, because I've always valued what's inside more than looks.

 

I guess in some way, my attitude now is that I am looking for a man who is NOT shallow and does NOT judge or choose based on looks. I am looking for that one who will see me as a whole, and get to know and love who I am, not what I am... if that makes any sense.

 

No offense toward anyone, but I see women every day who would make 2 or 3 of me, wearing sweats and moo moos, no make up, and look plain as ever who have a doting, loving, supportive mate beside them that thinks they are the best thing since sliced bread. That is the kind of mate I want. Someone who will value and care for the person I am no matter what life does to the outside.

 

I don’t want to have to turn myself into someone else, someone I’m not, or to put myself in uncomfortable clothes just to be what someone else wants. Maybe I will never find this one guy, maybe I will be single the rest of my life, or maybe he is just around the corner... who knows.

 

Right now, I’m just going to stop actively looking and start enjoying my life as if everything is perfect and wonderful already. I do wish there was someone to share that with, and walk beside me while I do make some changes... IF I do... but if he requires a certain look, which then would have to be diligently maintained, then I don’t need him.

 

What if I was to transform myself and slim down and get fit and change my style, and then those very men who rejected me today were suddenly interested? Could I ever believe they 'love me for me'? I think not.

 

Beautiful post and I agree. I'm sure you're gonna find such a man one day.

[PlumPrincess]

I changed everything. Wore better styled and fitted clothes. Learned how to talk to women, and learned what to avoid doing to turn them off. Started working out with amazing results. Instead of saying no to activities, I learned to say yes and learn from the experience, and usually have fun. I actually had to learn to not be a downer. It wasnt until I stopped being a downer that I realized people dont like to hang around downers, but they never tell you. Learned to not NEED anyone. Thats a big one. When youre able to walk away from anything, its amazing who comes running after you. I learned what looks more sexy to women in terms of my looks. I changed everything, and it works amazingly. And I was the one Id never change just to be attractive to other people. One day, I said, I had to try it because what I was doing then wasnt working.

 

You might be amazed, maybe you might learn to like the way you look in heels and short skirts. You dont have to struggle with any changes if you wind up liking them. Its just about getting over the rebellious hump.

Sometimes it really takes a looong time to realize something, because people never tell you.

 

But anyway, you're a good role-model for all the single guys here.

[PlumPrincess]

Have any of you changed your appearance, lifestyle, or anything to improve your relationship odds?

I started wearing a bit more makeup. And I'm trying to buy clothes that look a bit more feminine. I guess, I'm more on the cute, small side, so I pick clothes that enhance that. For example, instead of going for the sporty jacket, I'll choose a coat with a feminine cut and a lacy shawl.

 

I think the most important thing I've been working on is to tone down my dominant personality. I can still get things my way, when I'm nice instead of insisting that I'm right. And if I don't get what I want, I just do/get it without starting a long discussion (I think this has less to do with being feminine, but just doing your own thing without trying to enforce your opinion on others, which is also a big turn-off).

 

Overall, I think it sort of works. Having a very nice, good-looking, masculine co-worker around also helps with being and feeling more feminine.