D87 Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 My girlfriend of 5 years told me she's not in love with me and left me. I thought I was a good boyfriend, always caring and affectionate. She was my life, I helped her with everything I could to make her life good (my mom always kept telling me that I spoiled her too much). Lately she wasn't showing me much affection, was not very sexual with me, and I had a feeling she didn't love me anymore, I guess I was right. I feel being taken for granted and not appreciated. She is like a different person now, I can't talk to her. She is so cold with me. And worst part... same scenario happened before with a girlfriend of 2 years. That first breakup was excruciating for me (lost like 30lbs, couldn't eat for months), finally got over it and was happy with my new girlfriend and then she does the same thing as my ex. It's like a sick joke lol. What scares me is that after a few days of devastation, I'm strangely numb. Its almost like I don't even care that we broke up now. I feel like I gave all of my emotion to these relationships and my "emotion tank" completely ran out, if that makes sense at all. I feel deep down that I wouldn't be able to care about a girl in that way again or trust her completely. I did want kids in the future, I was thinking a lot about this, and the conclusion I come to is: how can I have marriage and kids with a women when they can fall out of love and leave me at any moment and possibly take half the money I worked hard for and possibly my children. If I ever have a kid, for sure I will do it with a donor so the kid is 100% mine and nobody ever has any claim on him. Of course I would date again (never marry though), but my expectations would be completely different - just enjoy it while it lasts and don't get too attached. Does anyone feel like this or am I just ranting? Link to post Share on other sites
ChessPieceFace Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Doesn't seem too unusual. Very few people nowadays can commit long-term. 5 years also sounds like a long time to keep it at "girlfriend." Maybe that contributed? We all die... most marriages and relationships end... so my perspective is that all you can do is focus on now and whether you currently feel happiness and fulfillment. Lifelong bonds can still happen but it's harder and harder to ever expect them. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I don't blame you. I think on some subconscious level this is why I don't want kids. If my wife all of a sudden turns on me and is no longer in love I can handle it but I never want a child of mine to grow up in a broken home just because mom had an affair or wants to find herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D87 Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 5 years also sounds like a long time to keep it at "girlfriend." Maybe that contributed? It was a lot more than a "girlfriend". We were like a married couple, we lived and worked together, spent 24/7 7 days a week together basically. We are still young, we made plans before to get married and start a family by 30. Link to post Share on other sites
laotzu Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Five years? Did you ever consider trying to drop a ring on it? Some women need a commitment like marriage, and if they don't get it, they grow detached. Sorry man. Clearly, the girls like you - you'll snag another. Link to post Share on other sites
ffw Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I don't blame you. I think on some subconscious level this is why I don't want kids. If my wife all of a sudden turns on me and is no longer in love I can handle it but I never want a child of mine to grow up in a broken home just because mom had an affair or wants to find herself. Basically, you are telling since we are going to die one day, there's no point of enjoying life or living life to the fullest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D87 Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 I don't blame you. I think on some subconscious level this is why I don't want kids. If my wife all of a sudden turns on me and is no longer in love I can handle it but I never want a child of mine to grow up in a broken home just because mom had an affair or wants to find herself. Agreed 110%. I think having kids is important and would be a great joy and source of fulfillment, you should consider it with a donor like I am considering. I would prefer it over adoptions, I think I would feel more connection if the child has my genes. Link to post Share on other sites
OliveOyl Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Five years? Did you ever consider trying to drop a ring on it? Some women need a commitment like marriage, and if they don't get it, they grow detached. Sorry man. Clearly, the girls like you - you'll snag another. This.... did she ever talk about wanting to get married? Did you want to get married? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Agreed 110%. I think having kids is important and would be a great joy and source of fulfillment, you should consider it with a donor like I am considering. I would prefer it over adoptions, I think I would feel more connection if the child has my genes. I am married so if I wanted to use a donor and just have the kid be mine that would not go over well. I am quite happy babysitting for my friends. Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 It was a lot more than a "girlfriend". We were like a married couple, we lived and worked together, spent 24/7 7 days a week together basically. We are still young, we made plans before to get married and start a family by 30. Eh you might have hit upon the problem right there. Spending pretty much every minute of every day in someone else's presence is a very heavy burden to bear even for the most compatible of couples. Maybe the reason the girlfriend grew distant is because she felt she had lost who she was in your relationship. With no time apart, she might have felt trapped... add that to not "dropping a ring on it," as a previous poster said, and it isn't a big shock that this was her reaction (especially as she's young.) Take some time to really deal with yourself, and make sure you have a very firm understanding of who you are before entering another relationship. And when you DO enter another one (2 years and 5 years and you're younger than 30, I'd guess you've spent most of your 20's in a relationship right? That's some good odds you'll get another one) make sure you still retain that sense of self. Don't go the opposite direction and refuse to change your life or personality at ALL, but remember that a relationship is being both a couple AND an individual. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 If he dropped a ring on it he would have just been dealing with a nasty divorce. If she broke up with him over a piece of paper she never loved him in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D87 Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 Maybe that is part of the reason, spending too much time together. I was her only relationship also. However, I do feel 100% that she missed a good guy who would've loved her, married her, been a good father, etc etc. Not a lot of guys like that in the world, she should've known better since all her friends have loser boyfriends who are only good at one thing - getting them knocked up and then not being able to provide a good life for their family afterwards. I've had only two relationships, one 18-20, and one 20-25. Marrying and starting a family young made no sense, I was not set up financially and was focused on getting my business of the ground (my girlfriend was helping), I was working on it 70 hours a week to make it successful. It is a responsible thing to start a family once your life is in order, I didn't think that 28-30 for that was unreasonable, and we both agreed on that. She just changed a lot. She got into some yoga spiritual stuff and lately was more and more distant with me. I really don't think I did anything wrong, I love her now more than I ever have and would spend my life with her. If he dropped a ring on it he would have just been dealing with a nasty divorce. If she broke up with him over a piece of paper she never loved him in the first place. Thanks again buddy. I agree with you again %110. I can tell you're a smart dude! Link to post Share on other sites
laotzu Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 You'll be fine. Twenty-five! You'll look back on this and it'll teach you some really valuable lessons. Perfect age to learn this. I'm jealous. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I must agree with those who say the women leave you after a number of years if they don't get the ring. As my elders tell me you know after about a year of dating if your compatible enough for marriage. What Plasma said is very true, especially for women under 25. At that age for many many women being able to brag on the BF becoming a fiance is really important. They feel HUGE social pressure to get that ring. (Then after 35 that bio clock kicks in... .) Your young, don't let anyone pressure you into getting married. Date the next woman for a while but just don't think it'll be forever. Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Eh you might have hit upon the problem right there. Spending pretty much every minute of every day in someone else's presence is a very heavy burden to bear even for the most compatible of couples. Maybe the reason the girlfriend grew distant is because she felt she had lost who she was in your relationship. With no time apart, she might have felt trapped... add that to not "dropping a ring on it," as a previous poster said, and it isn't a big shock that this was her reaction (especially as she's young.) Take some time to really deal with yourself, and make sure you have a very firm understanding of who you are before entering another relationship. And when you DO enter another one (2 years and 5 years and you're younger than 30, I'd guess you've spent most of your 20's in a relationship right? That's some good odds you'll get another one) make sure you still retain that sense of self. Don't go the opposite direction and refuse to change your life or personality at ALL, but remember that a relationship is being both a couple AND an individual. no one knows who they are when they're 25. and no, a relationship is two people putting the relationship itself above individual freedom, and doing whatever is required to keep that going. dating is being independent while having someone else to hang out with on friday and saturday. Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Maybe that is part of the reason, spending too much time together. I was her only relationship also. However, I do feel 100% that she missed a good guy who would've loved her, married her, been a good father, etc etc. Not a lot of guys like that in the world, she should've known better since all her friends have loser boyfriends who are only good at one thing - getting them knocked up and then not being able to provide a good life for their family afterwards. I've had only two relationships, one 18-20, and one 20-25. Marrying and starting a family young made no sense, I was not set up financially and was focused on getting my business of the ground (my girlfriend was helping), I was working on it 70 hours a week to make it successful. It is a responsible thing to start a family once your life is in order, I didn't think that 28-30 for that was unreasonable, and we both agreed on that. She just changed a lot. She got into some yoga spiritual stuff and lately was more and more distant with me. I really don't think I did anything wrong, I love her now more than I ever have and would spend my life with her. Right off the bat, taking the attitude of "well I would have been a good dad and loved her!" is not helpful. Yeah, you loved her... but did you love her as a whole person? Or did you love her as a shell? By your relationship history, it sounds like you jumped straight from one long term relationship into another. It means you've been single for less than a year in the last seven years! Add to that that this is her first relationship, that you spent nearly all day every day together, AND that she was helping you with your business... that's a LOT of pressure to put on a relationship. And if she felt like you'd lost your own individual self in the relationship, then it doesn't matter how much you loved her or how good a husband you were... you would have just been a shell where she wanted a partner. Take this perhaps as a wake-up call that loving someone a lot isn't always enough to have a lasting relationship. You need to bring something else besides love to the table... compatibility, an independent but compromising spirit, and equality being the things she perhaps thought were lacking. Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 no one knows who they are when they're 25. and no, a relationship is two people putting the relationship itself above individual freedom, and doing whatever is required to keep that going. dating is being independent while having someone else to hang out with on friday and saturday. Yes, you need to put the needs of the relationship above your own personal needs. But that doesn't mean you FORGET about your personal needs. That's co-dependent, and it's not healthy either. That's why you always see advice about how people shouldn't throw their hobbies and friends out the window when they start seriously dating someone else. It's still important to maintain a sense of self.... otherwise you end up becoming a dependent shell of a human (and a boring one at that.) Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Yes, you need to put the needs of the relationship above your own personal needs. But that doesn't mean you FORGET about your personal needs. That's co-dependent, and it's not healthy either. That's why you always see advice about how people shouldn't throw their hobbies and friends out the window when they start seriously dating someone else. It's still important to maintain a sense of self.... otherwise you end up becoming a dependent shell of a human (and a boring one at that.) well, the balance is such a fine line that most people don't even understand it. that's not calling them stupid, mind you, more like calling them ignorant. look at how many threads show up on here from people's first few dates that go along the lines of "I didn't call her/him for days at a time and refused to go see him/her last weekend now he/she won't call me!" derp. people are not very smart these days, for it being the information age and all . guess i did call them stupid after all, oh well. Link to post Share on other sites
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