Patching One's People Picker

[Tybalt]

As alluded to in another thread, I'm exploring the theory that too lengthy a time embroiled in an abusive relationship can "normalize" said behavior to the person exposed to it. It really makes some sense to me because in being entrenched in such a situation (where there is impending or actual threat of psychological, emotional, and spiritual harm), wouldn't it make sense that there would be some alteration/desensitization emotionally and even biologically? Could it become the more "comfortable" (or at least a tolerable) option in choosing a future relationship, even if the original abuser is left behind? Statistics point toward people often choosing another abuser/disfunctional relationship. This naturally would continue to reinforce the feeling that the behaviors are "normal."

 

I'm interested in thoughts and personal anecdotes about this. And if there is merit to this theory, how best to "reprogram" oneself?

[carhill]

I think the theory has merit and saw marked signs of it, behaviorally, when revisiting a past unhealthy dynamic in the present. In retrospect, my behaviors de-evolved back to a state they were in during the distant past. I also, post divorce, noticed a similar 'pull' with an unhealthy dynamic I found myself in the midst of. It began, like you said, to feel 'comfortable', meaning the behavior sets were familiar, even if unhealthy.

 

The difference between the past and the now and how things worked out is, IMO, getting psychological therapy in between. It gave me the tools to more clearly see my own unhealthy behaviors and reactions and change myself. This didn't magically make anyone else 'better' or more 'compatible', but rather allowed me to clearly see the incompatibilities and set appropriate boundaries for my own behavior in reaction to them.

 

Since I have yet to meet anyone compatible, I don't know whether the 'patch' will hold or blow out. We'll see. So far so good.

[Tybalt]

Thanks Carhill, it's good to hear your thoughts.

 

To further expand, I am wondering if there is a real element of choosing similar relationships because of a deep desire to 'heal the wounds' of the abusive relationship. Meaning, if one was not in control and couldn't get the abuser to love and treat the other kindly, maybe the future relationships provide a chance to 'rewrite the scene' as it were. The problem is, that the part of the scene that needs to change is the non-abuser's responses. And ultimately, I think, the actors. With good, kind, decent people, the struggle to maintain good boundaries isn't as difficult, and eventually it seems natural to avoid the bad situations/individuals. Hopefully

[carhill]

Since all the efforts seem to be in the hair color thread , I'll bring up another aspect...

 

Many people have offered the opinion that we revisit childhood dynamics, especially unhealthy ones, in our adult relationships to 'mend' the psychological impacts from them, essentially using our adults minds to fix the damage to the child psyche inside of us.

 

That has some traction, and I've seen many examples supporting it, but I had/have to wonder sometimes why, having a 'Beaver Cleaver' childhood, as my exW described it, I would be picking women who prove to be so antithetical to that map of what health is.

 

I have some ideas which I'll probably put into a journal since they're off-topic for general discussion, but they revolve around the time when I was transitioning from that relatively calm and safe family dynamic to the wider world, generally in my early to mid teens. I think a number of disparate factors contributed and will make some sense once put together in a linear fashion.

 

Hopefully, in the future, I can include some data points of women who either haven't weathered abuse or have escaped it and processed the emotions to a neutral state and thereby molded their people-picker into a healthier place for them. So far, it's been few and far between. We'll see

[Lobouspo]

Interesting thread.....I think its like the old boiling frog metaphor. The pain threshhold of the victim just rises and the person just becomes numb to it. It just becomes a normal part of life. IME not surprisingly, women who have abusive and or distant/absent fathers tend to get ensnared in the same type of toxic romantic relationship and the consequences are often tragic. Not all the time but often times. What is past is prologue.