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I feel vulnerable right now


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Old 6th October 2011, 8:28 PM   #1
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I feel vulnerable right now

We're meeting in less than two weeks. For those who don't know the backstory I met this guy online five months ago who lives across the country, we found out we had a huge amount in common, got really close and decided we were going to be exclusive until we met. He is coming to NY to visit me, staying in a hotel. (I don't live in NY but I frequently commute there. I'm staying with a geriatric relative who lives outside the city while he's visiting.) Up until a few days ago I was really excited and not especially nervous. Actually it seemed like I had matured because I was confident that if he ultimately rejected me I wouldn't be destroyed like I was with my ex. My abandonment fears were on the down low. Perhaps the distance helped.

Then a few days ago my attitude changed. I started panicking. In general I take rejection poorly, but considering how strongly we feel about each other, I fear that if he pulled the rug out from under me and decided he didn't like me in real life it would destroy me. More than his potential rejection of me I worry about what will happen to me psychologically if he does. I am afraid it could send me spiraling into another depression like I had for months after my ex suddenly left me a year ago. Maybe even worse. In other words, I don't trust myself.

I imagine the train wreck that might occur if he rejected me the night we meet. I worry about my safety. I can just see myself leaving the bar where we meet, swaying on the streets of NY at 2am, barely cognizant, doing something really stupid like accidentally careening into traffic because I'm so out of it. (It probably sounds like I'm overdramatizing, but it's not inconceivable considering how poorly I cope with rejection.) If I manage to get to the train station without being mugged or hit by a car, I'll have to take a 30 minute commuter rail and then walk 20 minutes to the house where I'll be staying. There is not a soul I know in the city itself whose house I can crash at that night. If I manage to get home, my relative will be asleep, and I worry I won't be able to stop myself from sobbing in my room and embarrassing myself. She'll wake up and think there's some sort of emergency. I'm not close enough to her to explain this whole situation.

In advance I need to prepare some sort of coping strategy for rejection. Maybe knowing I have this will help me relax a little. I guess I just need to know that I'll be OK, that I'll survive. I want to find some way in advance of accepting the worst case scenario and knowing if it happens I'll live. How do I toughen up, and make this a positive, learning experience no matter how he behaves? How do I prevent myself from internalizing the idea that I'm worthless or undesirable if he rejects me? I know the cliche response is you can't base your self worth on what others think of you and he's just one guy, but I can't seem to believe that whenever a rejection happens. I hear the words but I don't *feel* them. I don't know how to make myself feel them.

Last edited by torn_curtain; 6th October 2011 at 8:40 PM..
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Old 6th October 2011, 8:50 PM   #2
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He has seen your pictures, he has seen you on Skype, he has spoken to you, you guys communicated over a forum. What makes you think that when he sees you that he'll suddenly reject you? He likes your looks and personality, why else would he have put 5 months into an LDR with you?

It's possible that he will not be feeling any chemistry in person with you. That might be something he realizes when you guys meet, but the same might be true for you.

From what I know you've already had multiple relationships, so it's not like you are incapable of attracting guys. And if your current boyfriend doesn't feel it, then there are more fish in the sea. On to the next, what else can you do.
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Old 6th October 2011, 8:53 PM   #3
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He has seen your pictures, he has seen you on Skype, he has spoken to you, you guys communicated over a forum. What makes you think that when he sees you that he'll suddenly reject you? He likes your looks and personality, why else would he have put 5 months into an LDR with you?

It's possible that he will not be feeling any chemistry in person with you. That might be something he realizes when you guys meet, but the same might be true for you.

From what I know you've already had multiple relationships, so it's not like you are incapable of attracting guys. And if your current boyfriend doesn't feel it, then there are more fish in the sea. Onto the next, what else can you do.
I'm worried about the chemistry thing, about him not feeling it in real life. There are never any guarantees in life and I need to prepare myself for the worst case, you know? Even if it's slim.
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Old 6th October 2011, 8:53 PM   #4
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I agree with Nexus, there's little reason to think he'd reject you outright. And, it might be the other way around.

But no matter what, you will survive.

Have you thought about reserving a hotel in the city for the first night (not necessarily his hotel) so you don't have to stumble through train stations and subways late at night?
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Old 6th October 2011, 8:54 PM   #5
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I agree with Nexus, there's little reason to think he'd reject you outright. And, it might be the other way around.

But no matter what, you will survive.

Have you thought about reserving a hotel in the city for the first night (not necessarily his hotel) so you don't have to stumble through train stations and subways late at night?
Actually, that might be a good idea.
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Old 6th October 2011, 9:07 PM   #6
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I've been waiting for you to become vulnerable again...
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Old 6th October 2011, 9:08 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by torn_curtain View Post
I'm worried about the chemistry thing, about him not feeling it in real life. There are never any guarantees in life and I need to prepare myself for the worst case, you know? Even if it's slim.
Well if you're asking for a coping strategy, something I tend to do when I feel stressed or down is to go long distance running. I then run all the sh*t out of my system. Then after every run everything in my mind and body feels completely calm, for me it's like a cleansing moment, a reset. But I do that also when I'm not stressed or down, I just like to do it either way.

(I'm not saying you should go running through the streets of NYC if he dumps you there, just let that be clear.)

Or if you're not into running, then go for a long walk.

Another thing you could do is to write it out of your system, get things off your chest. Perhaps by posting it on Loveshack.

Last edited by Nexus One; 6th October 2011 at 9:12 PM..
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Old 6th October 2011, 10:43 PM   #8
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TC, do you have a friend you could call at the end of the date, no matter what the outcome? If you are traveling into the city, and meeting someone from online for the first time, it would just make sense to have someone expecting your call to say "I'm leaving now" or "I'm home safely"....no matter how late.

If you have someone expecting your call, you will have a "lifeline" in the event of worst-case scenario.
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Old 6th October 2011, 11:52 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by torn_curtain View Post
I'm worried about the chemistry thing, about him not feeling it in real life. There are never any guarantees in life and I need to prepare myself for the worst case, you know? Even if it's slim.
It will be fine. The two of you will be so horny you will just rush into bed within an hour.

Like I said in your earlier thread, you won't get to experience real life until you've actually meet for a long duration... Those 4 days will only serve to enhance your fantasy. So really, nothing bad will happen now.
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Old 6th October 2011, 11:57 PM   #10
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What happens if everything is great? Who moves where and when?
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Old 7th October 2011, 2:22 AM   #11
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TC, it's just as likely that YOU won't feel chemistry with him as it is that he won't feel it for you. It's very possible you'll find yourself rejecting him!

Focus less on what he thinks/feels and instead of how YOU think/feel. Focus on finding out whether YOU like him, whether he gives YOU those special feelings, whether YOU want him in your life, whether he ticks off all the necessary boxes for YOU, whether he exhibits any red flags which are dealbreakers for YOU.
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Old 7th October 2011, 2:25 AM   #12
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Aw, I truly, really do not think that there will be no chemistry in person. He has such a good idea of what you look like (and truth to be told you are gorgeous and have a hot body

I would be more concerned about his psychological health but that's just a hunch... you will know more once you meet.

Also, please feel free to e-mail any of your thoughts at any time. I have certainly over-used my right to do that to you and have perhaps been a bit self-obsessed recently. (Hug sweety) - just let the emotions/fears wash over you and try not to give them too much significance.

I am actually really excited for you
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Old 7th October 2011, 3:22 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by Star Gazer View Post
TC, it's just as likely that YOU won't feel chemistry with him as it is that he won't feel it for you. It's very possible you'll find yourself rejecting him!

Focus less on what he thinks/feels and instead of how YOU think/feel. Focus on finding out whether YOU like him, whether he gives YOU those special feelings, whether YOU want him in your life, whether he ticks off all the necessary boxes for YOU, whether he exhibits any red flags which are dealbreakers for YOU.
I think this is really great advice.

Personally, I find that the chance of not 'connecting' in person is very minimal if you're webcammed extensively. That could just be me, though. I've done it once before, it turned out fine. Sure, a little awkward at the beginning, but still fine.

Good luck!
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Old 7th October 2011, 6:36 AM   #14
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How many times do we need to tell you - in reality, you HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP until you MEET THIS GUY, so all of this over thinking is a complete waste of time.
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Old 7th October 2011, 10:08 AM   #15
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I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think you need to be harsher on yourself. Don't give in to feeling sorry for yourself. You're a full-grown woman. He's just some guy. Fcvk what he thinks of you.
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