Should I feel insecure over this?

[LSgirl]

Last night I asked my bf of 8 months what 5 things he liked about me. It was completely random, but it was an honest question. He looked uncomfortable and wondered why I put him on the spot and that I'm asking him to know if I should jump sail or not by how he answers. I told him that I don't doubt that he likes bc he wouldn't be with me, but was curious as to what he liked about me. He said that I didn't ride his ass about things, had a full time job, had my own place, I'm grounded, don't do drugs and heavily drink and that he can trust me and that I'm a good person.

 

I feel like all of those things above were for the most part, external things, I didn't feel all that special. (keep in mind, we haven't told each other we love each other bc I know he had been in a 8 year relationship before us and ended badly so we're taking it slow) How would you guys feel? Would you take that as compliments and not expect anything else? It felt a bit unromantic.

[OnyxSnowfall]

I'm going to concede it's not very romantic... but perhaps he was afraid of sounding shallow or something? Regardless, I'd be wondering where "you're beautiful and I can't get enough of you" type things were.

 

However, that he trusts you and thinks you're a good person is still very priceless and wonderful.

[zengirl]

I feel like those questions are almost always a trap, so is it possible that's why he looked uncomfortable (his assumption on that)? Even when the person doesn't intend it be a trap, it becomes one retroactively. All of those are nice things, and there might be 10,000 other things he likes about you but wasn't prepared to list or put in order of importance at your impromptu question.

 

But IME, at 8 months, if you don't know you love each other, that's likely a sign of bigger issues, as is the emotional unavailability of "taking it slow" for that long. You should know a person pretty well in 8 months, assuming you're geographically near each other and engaging in a real, full relationship where you are partners, intertwine your lives, and see each other regularly. Granted, age factors in on this as well, but if he's had an 8 year relationship, y'all can't be THAT young, can you?

[LSgirl]

I'm turning 26 in a couple months and he's 27. He was engaged with his ex after 4 years together and were together total of 8 years and she cheated on him. When I have brought up before the concept of love, he said most people just throw it around. His actions shows he cares about me and has told me I'm special to him, but I just read in another forum here that words are important too. I know definitely by one year if he hasn't said it, then we definitely have a problem?

[zengirl]

I'm turning 26 in a couple months and he's 27. He was engaged with his ex after 4 years together and were together total of 8 years and she cheated on him. When I have brought up before the concept of love, he said most people just throw it around. His actions shows he cares about me and has told me I'm special to him, but I just read in another forum here that words are important too. I know definitely by one year if he hasn't said it, then we definitely have a problem?

 

That shows a degree of emotional unavailability, but I'm not saying it's an absolute red flag. I think re-assessing at around the year point sounds like a good plan, with where you are now. I wouldn't worry about little things like the 5 questions thing, but the UE things (still baggage with past relationships, needing to go slow, fears about the word "love") would stick out to me. That's just me, though. Mileage may vary.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Brutal honesty? I think he chose you based on logic and thinks that you are "good on paper". This can evolve into love - but if you are looking for a relationship based on red-hot passion, this is not it.

[LSgirl]

Now I want to ask, "are you passionate about me?" lol

 

I don't know where to go from here. I worry and over-analyze this relationship (never did in past relationships) mostly because I don't know where this is going. I'm trying to be patient, he really is a good boyfriend, and I want this to work, Im going to give it til one year and see where it has progressed.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Now I want to ask, "are you passionate about me?" lol

 

 

Would it bother you if he said: "somewhat" or "to a degree"?

[Ginger Beer]

I can see why you'd be a little worried over this. The thing that would upset me is what he said doesn't really seem unique to you, they are things he could say about lots of women, even ones he has no attraction to, whereas saying something like 'I love the way you make that little nose when you laugh sometimes and the way you do this and such and such' is a lot more personal.

 

I agree with the emotionally unavailable point too. Maybe he has baggage and is still hurt.

[threebyfate]

Is he a very deep person? Does he normally understate or is he free with compliments for everyone?

[Finch]

You asked a question you shouldn't have asked, and you got an answer you didn't like which is now beginning to eat away at you. Usually when a person asks a question like the one you posed they are looking for a certain type of answer. If their boyfriend/girlfriend answers with something other than what they wanted to hear, the person who posed the questions immediately starts to doubt the whole relationship. The lesson here is, don't ask those types of questions.

His answers were not bad at all - in fact some of them are the very reasons I was interested in my boyfriend in the beginning. (We've been together almost three years now) A large portion of the dating world is made up with (for lack of a better term) freeloaders. People who see a relationship as beneficial but who themselves don't offer anything of substance, and who end up becoming a drain either financially, emotionally, or in terms of time. The answers your boyfriend gave may not be romantic, but they are practical, and in my experience, by the time you hit your late 20's you are looking for someone who is on equal footing to you, and who you do not have to support. In that respect, you ARE special.

Sunshine's comment that he chose you because you are "good on paper" I totally disagree with. Very few people will waste eight months worth of time and effort on someone who they do not feel some spark with. People will disagree with me, but it's what I've found to be true in my own dating experiences.

As for putting a time limit on the relationship, be careful there. It takes some people longer than others to feel comfortable and secure enough to start saying "I love you". Especially if the person has been jerked around in the past. I feel people are much to quick to jump to the conclusion of "emotionally unavailable" just because I love you has yet to be spoken. It can take far longer than 8 months to really get to know someone. I've had relationships where it wasn't said until a year and a half, and I don't believe the love was any less genuine because it took longer to be vocalized.

If by two years he's not able to say it, then yes, there be may a bigger issue. But eight months is jumping the gun, I feel. If you had no major worries about the relationship before you asked this question - if you feel good when you're with him, is you feel the relationship is progressing (even if it is slow), if you like how things are between you, then just let this go. Don't sabotage what may otherwise be a great thing by focusing on the answers given to a bad choice of question that you were foolish enough to pose.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Finch there is a lot of gray area between "no spark" and "red-hot spark".

 

I know many couples that marry for practical reasons and are at the "low spark" end of the spectrum.

 

Also, sometimes people get burned in relationships with people they felt "red hot spark" with and then go to the other extreme, thinking that they are making a smarter choice.

 

His choice of words is perhaps less relevant than the fact that he hasn't said "I love you" by 8 months. That's a big red flag IMO.

[Ginger Beer]

ES, you think it's a red flag he hasn't said he loves her by 8 months?

[OnyxSnowfall]

His choice of words is perhaps less relevant than the fact that he hasn't said "I love you" by 8 months. That's a big red flag IMO.

 

I don't get that at all... maybe I'm just someone who is "slow" to declare something such as "love". It took me over a year before I felt that I truly "loved" my current boyfriend. That word is tossed around so carelessly...

 

when I say it, I MEAN IT... what could the red flag be? Love may never develop? I knew I was intensely attracted to my current boyfriend, but to be honest, I think people confuse "temporary infatuation" with love and I have always been more cautious with men who proclaim their love for me too early on.

[Eternal Sunshine]

ES, you think it's a red flag he hasn't said he loves her by 8 months?

 

 

Yes - definitely. Like others have said, it suggests some degree of emotional unavailability.

[Finch]

His choice of words is perhaps less relevant than the fact that he hasn't said "I love you" by 8 months. That's a big red flag IMO.

 

I can say 'I love you' to a piece of pie and sound utterly convincing. I can say it to my friend when she lends me a book I've been itching to read. I can say it to my boyfriend even when I'm not feeling that high 'in love' feeling. Or I can do the things I do on a consistent basis that show him how important he is to me. Which is most valid?

Some people will feel that it's old fashioned to wait too long to say you love a significant other. I say it's old fashioned to feel you MUST say it by a certain deadline in order for you to be taken as being sincere.

Why, if LSGirl says her boyfriend's actions show that he cares about her and that she's special to him, is that less important than saying it? It's much easier to simply say the words than to consistently show affection and caring in other ways. Words are the easy part. Keeping up the little things over a period of time speaks volumes more.

And the whole "8 months with no I love you is a red flag" concept.....why? I've discussed this with male friends and several have mentioned the pressure to say the words because it's expected by a certain point whether they feel comfortable with it or not. The problem then becomes that it gets said just to get it over with, just because otherwise they get classified as having something wrong emotionally or not really caring. There are some who will say it sooner, and there are some for who it will take a lot longer. Does "I love you" have a place in the vocabulary of a couple? Of course. But there are many other ways of saying you love someone rather than with those words. I myself say it sometimes by saying "I'm so happy you're home!", or "Good morning sleepy-face", or "You had a tough day so I'm making hot and sour soup tonight." Each of those things mean I love him, but none of them are "I love you". We get suspicious if a man says "I love you" too soon, and then worried if it's been "too long". By whose standards? I stand by what I said. The overall health and progress of a relationship, the day to day actions of both people, are much more important than the words 'I love you'.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You don't get what I mean. Yes, anyone can say "I love you" to anything at any time without meaning it. That holds no significance.

 

What I meant is that it's worrisome that he isn't feeling it. His description of what he likes most about her also doesn't sound like someone who is head over heels in love.

 

Yes, actions are important. BUT. There are decent guys that learn some relationship behaviors (like: do little practical things for the gf, pay for her most of the time, call once a day etc etc). Those behaviors don't have much to do with what they feel for a particular person. They are learned behaviours and how they generally act in relationships.

 

I would be looking for consistency in words AND actions. One without the other - means something is off.

[sm1tten]

You asked a question you shouldn't have asked, and you got an answer you didn't like which is now beginning to eat away at you. Usually when a person asks a question like the one you posed they are looking for a certain type of answer. If their boyfriend/girlfriend answers with something other than what they wanted to hear, the person who posed the questions immediately starts to doubt the whole relationship. The lesson here is, don't ask those types of questions.

So much word on this one.

 

I am starting to hate the term "emotionally unavailable" because it gets thrown around so much.

 

You seem like you are looking for some reassurance from him that you aren't getting from his actions. If the words are just as or more important to you than the actions, then yes, you have a problem. For myself, I am much more concerned with the actions. But I also agree that you should assess the relationship and whether you are satisfied with it at a year in.

[dispatch3d]

Thank him for the compliments, then give him some. Aim yours at stuff similar to what you want from him, and hope he notices. That's the easiest/most non-confrontational way of doing it .

[zengirl]

I don't get that at all... maybe I'm just someone who is "slow" to declare something such as "love". It took me over a year before I felt that I truly "loved" my current boyfriend. That word is tossed around so carelessly...

 

when I say it, I MEAN IT... what could the red flag be? Love may never develop? I knew I was intensely attracted to my current boyfriend, but to be honest, I think people confuse "temporary infatuation" with love and I have always been more cautious with men who proclaim their love for me too early on.

 

To me, it was a red flag that the ILY not happening (in the OP's mind) was tied in with wanting to take it slow because of hurt leftover from a past relationship. That signals some emotional unavailability that is perhaps long-lasting to me. Again, giving it time isn't always bad, but neither is going in with open eyes as to what that "holding back" really is: it's either fear or not feeling it, and neither of those are productive for love to grow.

 

I find too early a bad sign too (too early = before he knows me as a person), but as an adult, I don't need 8 months to sift through my baggage slowly and figure out if I love someone. I would say somewhere between 3-6 months would be a normal time to feel it, if not say it, for most people going at the speeds I see; what I find distressing is a relationship where both people know each other really well but don't love each other yet; love shouldn't be that difficult IMO, and if it is, it's usually only because of fear of getting hurt, which is essentially what emotional unavailability usually comes from.

 

So much word on this one.

 

I am starting to hate the term "emotionally unavailable" because it gets thrown around so much.

 

Interesting. I would say it gets thrown around a lot because a lot of people are. What I hate is the notion that someone is or isn't emotionally unavailable, as a person; some FEW people are, but usually it's situational. We've all been emotionally unavailable --- at places where it was difficult for us to connect emotionally to other people, out of fear or stress or hurt or whatever --- in our lives, and we will even go through passages of it. But it's a terrible enemy of intimacy. You cannot build intimacy when in that state.

 

And that's really what we're talking about here: How is the intimacy going? ILY is just one barometer of that, but it's a pretty significant one. Her list of 5 traits is minuscule and shouldn't be used as a barometer of anything, IMO.

[Afishwithabike]

Last night I asked my bf of 8 months what 5 things he liked about me. It was completely random, but it was an honest question. He looked uncomfortable and wondered why I put him on the spot and that I'm asking him to know if I should jump sail or not by how he answers. I told him that I don't doubt that he likes bc he wouldn't be with me, but was curious as to what he liked about me. He said that I didn't ride his ass about things, had a full time job, had my own place, I'm grounded, don't do drugs and heavily drink and that he can trust me and that I'm a good person.

 

I feel like all of those things above were for the most part, external things, I didn't feel all that special. (keep in mind, we haven't told each other we love each other bc I know he had been in a 8 year relationship before us and ended badly so we're taking it slow) How would you guys feel? Would you take that as compliments and not expect anything else? It felt a bit unromantic.

 

I'm curious. What were you hoping to hear from him?

Is he generally a practical sort of person? It sounds like he is.

 

I can see your side of things, but I would take what he said as a compliment. While he could have said something about your appearance or your inner beauty, I think he paid you a compliment by what he said.

 

I agree with the poster who said thank him for the compliments and then give him compliments the way you were hoping to get some.

[breakfastmeat]

ES, you think it's a red flag he hasn't said he loves her by 8 months?

 

That's a hell of a long time to see someone and not express it.

[OnyxSnowfall]

To me, it was a red flag that the ILY not happening (in the OP's mind) was tied in with wanting to take it slow because of hurt leftover from a past relationship. That signals some emotional unavailability that is perhaps long-lasting to me. Again, giving it time isn't always bad, but neither is going in with open eyes as to what that "holding back" really is: it's either fear or not feeling it, and neither of those are productive for love to grow.

 

I find too early a bad sign too (too early = before he knows me as a person), but as an adult, I don't need 8 months to sift through my baggage slowly and figure out if I love someone. I would say somewhere between 3-6 months would be a normal time to feel it, if not say it, for most people going at the speeds I see; what I find distressing is a relationship where both people know each other really well but don't love each other yet; love shouldn't be that difficult IMO, and if it is, it's usually only because of fear of getting hurt, which is essentially what emotional unavailability usually comes from.

 

I suppose we each have our own measurements and ideas then. I tend to believe people don't really know one another until they live together and even then, that can shelter other parts of their being from being known.

 

It takes me at least a year before I'm willing to even try living with someone so... taking over a year to utter my love for someone doesn't seem strange to me. If others can be more optimistic/secure within months of their love, then they have more insight and or trust their judgment better than I have and do my own

 

which is ultimately, at least hopefully, a good thing for them.

Edited August 29, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[zengirl]

I suppose we each have our own measurements and ideas then. I tend to believe people don't really know one another until they live together and even then, that can shelter other parts of their being from being known.

 

It takes me at least a year before I'm willing to even try living with someone so... taking over a year to utter my love for someone doesn't seem strange to me. If others can be more optimistic/secure within months of their love, then they have more insight and or trust their judgment better than I have and do my own

 

which is ultimately, at least hopefully, a good thing for them.

 

Interesting. I've lived with a guy, and while I came to know his habits and peccadilloes better through living with him, I don't feel like I learned any more about his character. I don't love someone for their habits; I love them for their character.

 

I definitely wouldn't mesh, personally, for someone who was worried I was hiding something or felt they could "hide" from me just because we didn't live together or someone who was worried they didn't know me---to me, that's all counterproductive to intimacy. Which is the goal of a relationship.

 

I used to think saying ILY was a big deal, but that's because I was emotionally unavailable at the time. Which is not to say people who are UE never enter into any relationship that lasts. I do believe someone can become more emotionally available over time, especially those who don't trust much, but it sounds like a losing gamble to me, is all, at this stage in my life. But I think the OP has a good plan of re-assessing at the one-year point.

 

Having difficulty feeling like you really know someone and trouble really loving someone you spend a good deal of your time with, sleep next to, make love to, share your secrets with, are intimate on physical, emotional, and intellectual levels, for months on end. . . to me, that says it is, to some degree, a symptom of emotional unavailability. Your emotions are not something you "trust" or offer up or tap into readily. (All general "you")

[OnyxSnowfall]

I definitely wouldn't mesh, personally, for someone who was worried I was hiding something or felt they could "hide" from me just because we didn't live together or someone who was worried they didn't know me---to me, that's all counterproductive to intimacy. Which is the goal of a relationship.

 

I agree that intimacy is a goal in a relationship... perhaps not a universal one... but at least mine.

 

I'm glad you had a better experience with living with someone and not having them change drastically on you though.

 

I've been through a couple of them... granted, starting at the age of 14 (so perhaps things are already just skewed here) but I think the last time was the biggest smack in the face for me... something telling me that I needed to learn something from them all. I could have learned the wrong things ... but my current relationship is mounds and mounds of an improvement, almost surreal (relatively) but I'm definitely thankful for it.

 

Alas... I "thought" I knew the father of my children, but after we had moved into together (having been dating and me staying at his place on and off for roughly 4 months) we conceived our first child just a few months later. He really did just turn into someone else. He began saying things like "I've never liked nature or camping" which he had claimed to have loved (after I mentioned my love of them) and which we actually did a lot in the beginning. He told me he expected me to clean up after him, cook for him and do all the laundry (which we used to do one another's laundry, depending upon who began it). He didn't want me to see any of my friends that he was once "fine" with (not that they were the greatest of influences... which is why I conceded to his constant harping of them), he began lying to me about things he was doing when I really did trust him, etc etc etc. I could probably give a myriad of examples but... basically it all translated into : god you are dumb for thinking I ever meant any of the things I said and did, I just wanted to get you in bed.

 

The hardest part for me is, I miscarried that baby and STAYED with him anyway... still "trying" to work things out. Two children later. We were engaged, but I gave his ring back pretty early on... (I'm glad I didn't marry him and that I at least was able to live with him and see how things went first)

 

He would lose his temper over the smallest of things (when before he seemed very calm and patient) and things escalated into physical abuse heh. It's like, he couldn't hold his "facades" together over-time and in constant proximity of me or I really brought some monster out in him or ... something. Either way, he wasn't "real" and I had been convinced he was. Eventually we just lived separate lives and I left him alone for the most part... it got pretty bad though... and admittedly, I did "spoil" him early on so maybe that contributed to his latter expectations... in the end he lost his soul inside of world of warcraft lol... and the abuse tarried down but I just couldn't handle living with him anymore... that was several years ago now. I met him when I was 16 and left him when I was 23... I doubt at 16, I really had the skills to assess someone's character anyway. Never mind the place I was coming from.

 

Having difficulty feeling like you really know someone and trouble really loving someone you spend a good deal of your time with, sleep next to, make love to, share your secrets with, are intimate on physical, emotional, and intellectual levels, for months on end. . . to me, that says it is, to some degree, a symptom of emotional unavailability. Your emotions are not something you "trust" or offer up or tap into readily. (All general "you")

 

Ah, I didn't make love with my current boyfriend until I told him I loved him. I guess I learned to not share myself so easily, too. But I suppose if one is living so intimately with someone for month after month as lovers and companions (and it's not just dating) then perhaps there could be cause of some concern if it's never mentioned... I suppose, at least, even if the love is real, the person may not be secure in it / be confused about the essence of it / not know what they want.

Edited August 30, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall