History repeats itself for me. It's disheartening.

[lonelyheartbeat]

Hello board,

 

I thought I posted my vent yesterday, but I can’t find it so I can only assume I messed up while posting. How I did that, I have no idea, but that’s been my luck lately!

 

To make things hopefully short, I’ve been unlucky in the romance department. I’m disabled, so it makes it even harder to meet men who won’t run for the hills as soon as they discover my disability.

 

I have tried online dating. I even posted a few things in the LDR forum of loveshack. I finally got fed up with all that and dumped the guys.

 

My problem is that men show me a bit of interest. I reciprocate, and things seem to be going fine for a couple of weeks. But then suddenly it seems all the initiation of contact is on my part. I’m the one e-mailing to say, hi, how are you? Or sending a text to do the same.

 

This recent guy is one I met last month on vacation. He was a local and I admit, I was very flattered. He knew about my disability. I also realized right before I left that he’d made two attempts to get me to have a bite to eat with him.

 

Despite my misgivings, (seeing as we lived in different states) I decided to go for it. And just for those of you out there, yes, I did take precautions, being disabled and a single woman in a strange land.

The afternoon was nice and we seemed to have a lot to talk about. I was even more flattered when twice he delayed us parting to spend more time talking.

 

Since getting home we’ve e-mailed a couple of times, texted a bunch of times and talked on the phone twice. Each time he’s talked with me (even a few texts) he drops a lot of positive and flattering comments that indicate he’s still very much interested in me.

 

However, as I said history always happens, the last few texts was initiated by me. The second and most recent phone call was initiated by…me.

 

To catch everyone up-to-date, we had our last chat this past weekend. I waited a couple of days, and when I didn’t get anything from him, I sent him a friendly text saying hi and how was he doing? He responded with a hi, and that he was working full-time since his job was swamped with customers.

 

That was Wednesday. I haven’t heard anything since, and I’m at a loss what to do.

Yes, I know what some of you are thinking. Hey, dude said he was working and really busy. But the thing is, I’ve been fed those kinds of lines before in the past. I’m probably a little more cynical than is healthy, but I can’t help it.

 

My deal is, there’s no room at the end of the day, right before bed to send me a text or an e-mail?

 

I just don’t know. There’s a big part of me that wants to chuck the advice I’ve heard in the past that says don’t pressure the guy with too many questions. I want to go straight up to him and ask him if we’re going somewhere or if this is just for fun. Because frankly speaking, I hit 30 some months ago. I simply don’t want to be wasting my time with someone who is merely having fun.

 

So, anyone got any thoughts? I’m thinking to leave it alone. If history has taught me anything, chasing after the guy with e-mails and texts isn’t going to do any good. If he’s still interested he’ll text or call.

Then my second question would be, how long should I let the silence go before I officially stamp this book shut?

 

Thoughts?

[smudge21]

I'm a firm believer in people wanting what they can't have, or at the very least wanting the challenge of getting something they think they can't have. When something is easy it's fun at first but can quickly lose it's excitement. In relationships I think it's nice to slowly build up the interest, get to know each other over time and have that little bit of mystery.

 

For me personally, when things have happened fast, the relationship has never really been that good or lasted that long. Whereas a bit of excitement, challenge, the slow getting to know each other bit, that usually means things last longer. I guess it's a case of getting to know someone slowly means you spend longer with them and therefore your feelings build up more.

 

In your situation, maybe you are removing that challenge and excitement by expecting and initiating all the contact. Maybe this guy feels he doesn't have to do much work as you're doing it all. I can only speculate obviously, I mean it could be something completely different. However, I think a bit of quiet time from you may find out for definite what his intentions are. See if he comes to you, wandering why you've not been in touch.

 

Often that can happen when one person does all the contact and then suddenly stops, but like I said, I can only guess and make suggestions. Sadly it could be that he's lost interest and that is something you may have to accept. If you haven't heard from him in a week, then decide if you really want to find out or just accept that that's it, and move on.

 

It's sad when s*** like this happens - I hate it. Two people get along so well and then things just end. You're not alone in having these dating experiences... there's a lot of pointless people out there who I think are just put on this planet to annoy us.

[lonelyheartbeat]

Smudge,

 

Thanks for those words. I think you made some very, very good points. I think I will certainly take your advice and leave it alone.

 

I do want to say though, I figured by initiating some contact, I thought I was just...reciprocating. Making sure that he knew I was interested.

 

I do agree that backing off at this point is advisable. And as brought up, maybe he was interested, but has had second thoughts. And if this is the case, not much can be done about it.

 

Oh well. Sigh. :s

[smudge21]

Making contact is one thing and it's good and to be honest, if you feel good doing it, then do it. I'm the same, I like to go that extra few yards when I meet a girl but that can end up meaning they back off a bit.

 

I guess it's finding that fine line between showing you're interested but also not showing that you're too keen. You want a bit of mystery but you also want them to know about you.

 

Give it a week and post back - be good to know how it's going, whether this guy has got in touch or not. If he does, then play it cool and let him make the effort; if he he doesn't, then at least you know and can go looking elsewhere as it's clear he's not worth your time and effort. Just remember, no matter how good someone is, there's still 6.7 billion other people out there you've yet to meet.

[soulm8]

I’m disabled, so it makes it even harder to meet men who won’t run for the hills as soon as they discover my disability.

 

My problem is that men show me a bit of interest. I reciprocate, and things seem to be going fine for a couple of weeks. But then suddenly it seems all the initiation of contact is on my part. I’m the one e-mailing to say, hi, how are you? Or sending a text to do the same.

 

I’m probably a little more cynical than is healthy, but I can’t help it.

 

My deal is, there’s no room at the end of the day, right before bed to send me a text or an e-mail?

 

how long should I let the silence go before I officially stamp this book shut?

 

Wow! I can relate and wish I could offer you advice, but since my divorce 3 years ago, I constantly find myself in the same boat.

 

I either end up writing a guy off because:

- it becomes clear that he's really only looking for fun and keeping his options open

- he becomes lazy and complacent about initiating contact and reciprocating

- all he wants is sex or to talk dirty

- I end up feeling more like a friend he's attracted to but scared to go any further with

 

I've been trying to stay focused on my career and my goals, choosing to believe it's not meant to be. The right one will come along eventually.

 

There is no set time frame for acceptable silence. It depends on you and what you're willing to accept.

[lonelyheartbeat]

Smudge,

 

Again, good points. 6.7 billion people. LOL.

 

Soulm8,

 

I feel your pain, I really do. For me, I can't even say what the guys wanted. I think they kept it going because I was the only one at the time that was looking at them.

 

The most recent guy I was in contact with...heck, I have NO idea what kind of game he was playing. It couldn't be for sex or dirty talk, since we live an ocean apart and had never even talked on the phone. It was, and still is, baffling!

 

Well, to Smudge again, since you asked, I will certainly post back and let the few interested know how things are going. I just don't know what to do really. This most current man...we never even got that far into talking about dating and such. But his behavior and his words indicated to me romantic relationship.

 

I've been kind of waiting for him to make a move on this. However, with his current silence, I'm at a loss. Truly at a loss. If I don't hear from him into next week, I'm really not sure if I'll contact him. If he wants a clean break, then I think it would be best (for both of us) to let that happen.

[soulm8]

One of my favorite quotes:

 

"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

 

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

 

Then people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

 

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life."

[lonelyheartbeat]

The quote is very awesome and right on target! Thank you for sharing.

 

And since I'm posting, it's now day day 4 and still no word. *shrugs* Oh well.