stay with someone who will eventually leave?

[bwilder]

First I apologize for any spelling mistakes, I'm typing this on my phone.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating around seven months. He's in his mid 20's and I'm early /mid 30's. We started dating immediately after I had gotten out of a 6 year relationship, that I was truly unsastified with. My former partner was stable, giving, kind, and would've done anything for me. However I didn't feel the same and had to leave after much internal debate. I don't know if any of this important.

 

Current boyfriend is fun and active and engaging. We spend a lot of time together outside of work and our seperate hobbies. More often than not we eat dinner together and stay overnight at the other's place. We recently discussed moving in together. He thought it would make sense financially. I like the feeling of having my own place, but more importantly I don't want to move in together for financial reasons.

 

More likely than not, he will currently move away from the city we live in, whether it be because he is homesick, or can't handle the weather, or will go to grad school somewhere else, or will find a job somewhere else.... who knows...but odds are he's out of here in 12-36 months.

 

And I really like this guy, might even love him. Oh yeah and we dicided not to move in together.

 

I dont care to be married and I don't want kids so that's not an issue for me. My question is do I stay with this guy, knowing that he's not going to stick around. I'm not leaving here, since I have a home and a good job. I know he and I will have fun together for the time being. But I also know it will hit me hard when he's gone. I don't have much of a support system here and should probably be working on that, but I've been so busy spending all my free time with the bf.

 

Also a side note that may or may not matter, he's got the bipolar and borderline personality disorder... takes medication religiously. I've only seen some mild symptoms. Ex. Interests all over the place, has given up on a few relationships with friends, easily upset by coworkers and roommates. These could be true for anyone, so maybe I'm just looking for something that's not there, but I also don't want to be caught off gaurd.

 

Thanks for reading. What do you all think? Should I save myself from heartbreak?

[Downtown]

Bwilder, welcome to the LS forum. I'm sorry I didn't find your post earlier. My vote is for leaving him now and saving yourself the heartbreak. Because your BF has BPD, that heartbreak likely will start occurring at the end of the infatuation period, which may last as long as six months. Then his two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) will return when he realizes you are not the perfect woman he is now imagining.

 

At that time, the predicament you will be in is called a "lose-lose" situation. When you draw close to him, the intimacy will make him feel suffocated and dominated by your strong personality. He therefore will push you away -- usually immediately following your very best days together -- by creating an argument over absolutely nothing. Yet, as you back off to give him breathing space, you will unavoidably trigger his other great fear, abandonment -- causing him to feverishly reel you back in by being extra caring and sweet. This repeated cycle of push-away and pull-back is called a "toxic" relationship because it is painful and harmful to both of you.

 

It is great that he is taking his meds regularly. This is essential for controlling the bipolar disorder. But it will do little to reduce the BPD traits because they arise from a thought disorder, not from body chemistry changes. Although there are excellent treatment programs for BPDers, it is rare for a high functioning BPDer to be willing to stay in therapy long enough to make a difference. Hence, if your BF has been going to weekly therapy for several years to learn to control his BPD traits, he is a remarkable individual and I commend him. What I have said here pertains only to the untreated BPDers. If you would like to read more about typical BPDer behavior, I suggest you read my posts in Rebel's thread. They start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3398735#post3398735. Take care, Bwilder.

Edited August 14, 2011 by Downtown

[bwilder]

Thank you for the reply Downtown.

 

I read several of your other postings to folks in relationships with people with BPD. Thank you for sharing your insight. The post about the little boy who grabbed your fingers as you went outside together made me so sad... I am sorry for your pain.

 

I think maybe you are right and that I should leave before I get anymore invested... However, we still have fun and get along great. I haven't seen any major signs of the honeymoon period ending. I have, since pretty much the beginning of the relationship, had some nagging feelings of something missing, and the only thing I can think it might be is security. Which is probably why i posted the OP to begin with. I mean in all reality if I knew someone where going to leave in 1-3 years (and the relationship was still good), I would think that we could revisit the situation at the time and make choices then. But the bf reminds on occasion that he will leave here at some point in the future and that's that (so there really is no security for our future, and I feel like a rest stop, on his way to some other final destination).

 

But I feel like I like I'm leaving something that is hardly broken (aside from that last sentence... which sounds pretty broken as i'm re-reading it).

 

I have not experienced anything at all like what some of the other people are dealing with that you have replied to. He's for the most part great, and whenever hes been insensitive I call him on it, and he seems to get that what he's done isn't going to fly with me.

 

There was a point, several months ago, when I did feel very insecure. I think it has to do with the lack of security I am feeling in the relationship, and how much I like spending time with him. I was a mess for a week or two and thought I was going a bit nutty...

 

He's aware that he has this... Is this something I can talk to him about? Do you think this is why he's so sure that we wont be together to in the future? I want to ask him this... He doesn't attend regular counseling but does have a Dr., probably more fore BP than BPD tho...

 

I'm just grasping at straws aren't I?

[Downtown]

Bwilder, yes, my concern is that you are setting yourself up to become emotionally invested and will be hurt when it falls apart. If he has strong BPD traits, the closer you get to him the greater threat you pose to his two fears. This is why a high functioning BPDer like him can treat strangers and business associates well all day long but then go home to be abusive to the very people who love them. Moreover, you already heard that he is easily upset by coworkers and roommates. It therefore remains to be seen how badly he will treat you when the infatuation period wears off.

 

That said, I am intrigued by his willingness to acknowledge having BPD. Although I've communicated with a hundred "self awares" like him online, they are so rare that I've never met one in my private life (even though I've met many BPDers). Hence, if you are determined to keep dating him as long as he is splitting you white, I suggest you speak with him about BPD and ask questions if he seems comfortable answering them. I've always enjoyed communicating with self-aware BPDers. Indeed, I find that most BPDers I've met are above average in intelligence and, largely due to their child like nature, have a spontenaity and warmth that is unmatched by other folks.

 

In short, most of the high functioning BPDers I've met are a lot of fun to be around. Yet, for that reason, and because they are masters at projecting vulnerability, they are so so easy to fall in love with. Caregivers like me are a sucker for vulnerability, i.e., "catnip" to us. BPDers, always thinking they are victims, project vulnerability without even thinking much about it. I therefore caution you that you are playing with fire -- because it likely will be so easy to fall in love and want to be protective of him.

 

I suspect that, like me, you are a caregiver by nature. If so, the notion of walking away from a sick loved one will be anathema to you. It will go against your family values, your sense of justice, your religious training -- indeed, against every fiber of your being. Yet, if he refuses to stay in therapy long enough (years) to make an improvement, walking away is what you eventually have to do. Otherwise you will harm him by walking on eggshells all the time, thereby enabling him to avoid confronting his issues and controlling them. On the other hand, if he is one of those rare "self awares" who is willing to stay in therapy, he may get substantially better after learning to manage his issues.

[ja123]

Sorry to hear that you are dealing with this ... it must be tough. Thank goodness there are people like Downtown who can offer some expertise and guidance.

 

I found this website: Though it's "geared for men" anyone can use it and a lot of women post on it. http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/02/17/why-men-are-attracted-to-crazy-emotionally-abusive-women/

 

I have been in an abusive relationship in the past, though he was a narcissist not BPD. And from personal experience, I can say that staying can wreak terrible, terrible damage on one's sense of self, one's peace and happiness, one's belief in the world and life ... those are too precious to be sacrificed.

 

You are not a bad person for looking out for yourself - it's vital! and Good!

 

I'm thinking of you and sending you good wishes.

 

Best of luck.

[bwilder]

Thank you Downtown and Ja123 for your previous responses, I really appreciate you both taking the time to reply.

 

I wanted to give you an update and maybe vent a little too (warning this is pretty long). Here is what happened:

 

As I mentioned the bf warned me that he was not ready for a serious long term relationship, due to his uncertain future. I ignored the warnings and got attached. I'm not sure if I was in love or not, I thought I was. We spent almost everyday together and both really enjoyed our shared time and interests. However this also led to part of the breakdown....was too much time spent together and not enough time left to take care ourselves and the other responsibilities we had in our lives. Nor did we ever really get too deep as to who we are, what we wanted in life, where we came from (other than the obvious), it was a relationship based on doing fun stuff together and having a good time.

 

The more attached I got the more insecure I became. Oh how I wanted him to tell me he loved me. He never did, except once over the phone, when he was away for a few days. He said it as we were hanging up, the same way you would say it to your mom or dad, like an automatic response. So I figured it was an accident. I never brought it up...yes I had trouble communicating some important things, it's something I need to work on.

 

I would bring up the fact that I was troubled because I was getting attached. He never gave me any false hopes or tried to convince me to get over my fears. I was blind to the fact that "he just wasn't into me".

 

One morning I asked my now ex-bf for a small favor, to which he gave me a less than acceptable answer... I could take "no", but the way he worded it, was not polite. I got upset since he knew I would have done everything he asked of me. We left each other pretty peeved, although we still kissed goodbye that morning.

 

Please keep in my mind my ex never yelled, raged or was abusive. Like any other person , he could at times be self absorbed, inconsiderate and insensitive (these instances often left me hurt, because I never had the reassurance that he loved me). He was also very thoughtful and comforting during other times though.

 

After work that day, I saw that he had removed all of his belongings from my house. I had a feeling this would happen...but maybe I was just having bad feelings more and more often, and this time it actually happened. I went over to his place to confront him. We talked about it, no yelling or blaming, we were both sad, for different reasons I believe. He basically couldn't do it anymore. He was just having too much stress, with everything in life and the event that morning was too much for him. He said he felt terrible all day and couldn't deal with the pained look in my eyes when I got angry for him not wanting to help me.

 

So I accepted it, I didn't dare try to reconcile as I didn't want to start an unhealthy cycle. We cried, me more than him. We held each other. I've had to see him on two occasions since then (one was to attend a wedding, for god's sake. I made it through, he had fun, and it was very bittersweet for me). The second time he said he was sad (and cried even though i did not), but alluded to that it was more because he was lonely (and had lost his only real support system in the area) than because he had lost me. I was never that important to him, turns out - this and the loss of a friend and the future i imagined in my head is what hurts so much.

 

He did also mention the last time we saw each other that he wanted to contact his ex from many years ago (she happens to randomly live nearby). And this is what I mean by being inconsiderate.... he didn't have to tell me this. But he needed to get it out, and he had no one else to tell. He did not consider how it would hurt me (though I imagine anyone would have to be pretty aware or super sensitive, to hold out on this info, if you had been dying to tell someone). He saw her once when we first started seeing each other. She contacted him a number of times following the first meeting to ask if they could get together again. He told her no. As it was to hard for him, because she treated him badly when he needed her (I believe when he was having some serious issues with BP and BPD). He told me for the past few weeks he's really been wanting to see her and hang out with her.

 

I get confused because the BPD signs are not that obvious to me.... no abuse, no rage. He never made any promises or over the top declarations of love... the only thing is wanting to revisit a previous relationship. Which a person without BPD could easily wish for as well. His reason for the break up (stress), though I believe it was really because his feelings just weren't the same as mine, is definitely not BPD. But god it would be so nice to blame BPD... I could tell myself that I didn't get dumped because I just wasn't awesome enough.

 

I'm trying to heal with no contact, and am really making an effort to face and accept the reality of the situation. That he saw our relationship as something temporary and fun, and not serious. He didn't love me. I understand that and I don't fault him for it.

 

I am actually grateful that he didn't let it go on any longer, because I didn't have the strength to do it myself (I had tried in a very feeble attempt two weeks or so prior to when we actually separated). I'm not sure if he even realized that that is what I was trying to do.

 

So that is my story, it's been just over a week. I'm on day 2 of absolutely no contact (the only other times when we interacted were times were I was required to see him - the wedding, and when he picked up the rest of his stuff. He also sent a text and email before I told him I couldn't speak to him any longer).

 

I generally cry less and less each day. I even feel good sometimes, actually more so than I think I would've in the past, since I'm really trying to accept this. I've been writing a lot, like 50 pages so far, and it has been so helpful. I would really recommend it to anyone trying to make sense of a loss.

 

I am not practicing no contact to hurt him. I am doing it to help heal myself. I told him I needed time to feel better and maybe one day we could be friends, but that I didn't know when that would be. If one day, I can say I would not be hurt by hearing about his love for another, then I will contact him, to see how he doing, if I still care at that point...

 

I learned about myself during the relationship, and I am continuing to learn as I process the grief from the breakup. He didn't really do anything wrong. I just got hurt... And I don't mean to go on like this is some dramatic thing, I know it happens every day. I'm just working on making sense of it. And sharing it here helps me with that- thank you for listening.

[LZ2000]

bwilder,

 

Thank you for sharing.

 

I've learnt much after reading your personal experiences.

 

Continue to be strong and live your life freely and happily.

 

god bless,

LZ

[Downtown]

Bwilder, thanks so much for coming back to give us an update. I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with you that your exBF shows few, if any, BPD traits. As you observed, he sounds more like a guy who simply was "not all that into you." Also missing are any traits indicating that he has bipolar disorder. Given that you were dating him for about eight months, you should have observed at least one mood cycles of mania and depression. Yet, because bipolar can be managed very successfully with medication, that absence of a mood swing is not surprising. BPD, in contrast, cannot be managed by drugs. I therefore question whether he ever was really diagnosed as having BPD.

 

If he does have strong BPD traits, he would be what is called a "quiet borderline," i.e., a BPDer who turns his anger inward instead of acting out in rages and temper tantrums. Even in that case, however, he would still have enormous anger inside and would be frequently misperceiving your intentions. So he would have been punishing you with passive aggressive remarks and cold withdrawal until he got his way. But you observed none of that either. I therefore suspect he was either terribly misdiagnosed or was simply lying to you, perhaps as a way of keeping you at a safe distance.

 

In any event, I am happy for you that you had so much fun with him and that you learned so much about yourself in the process. I believe that, once the pain of losing him fades away -- and it WILL fade away -- you will remember that 8 months of adventure very fondly. But, please, don't go down that road again with the same man. Find someone who is emotionally available and capable of really loving you. Take care, Bwilder.

[grkBoy]

Frankly, it sounds like you value independence more than anything.

 

I also think in your quest for a more "exciting" man you settled on Mr. BPD.

 

You strike me as one of those women who need sparks/fireworks over anything...even if the guy is "no good".