Will he ever divorce his estranged wife??

[LuluJ]

I have been dating a wonderful man for almost a year. I'm 26 and he's 38. On our first date, I asked him if he had ever been married, and he said yes, but that they hadn't been together for four years. I assumed they were divorced, but a few months into the relationship, just as things were starting to get serious, he admitted to me that they had never finalized the divorce. They have essentially been SEPARATED for four years, and though papers were drawn up, they had both been "lazy" and never finalized. There are no kids involved, but they share car insurance which saves them both some money. They're amicable, but completely and totally over (according to him). He told me that he loved me, that I was very important to him and that he wanted to be available to me, so he was going to get on with the divorce right away.

 

I have tried very VERY hard not to nag or pressure him, but it's been months and he hasn't done anything to expidite the process, as far as I know. He even had a meeting set up with her, but he blew it off. I told him that it bothered me that he blew it off, and that I didn't want to wake up a year from now and have to admit to myself that he was never going to divorce her. He scoffed at that, as if it was a totally ridiculous fear. It REALLY bugged me that he blew that meeting off. It made me feel like he was ambivalent about divorcing her. She lives very close to him, but as far as I can tell (and I'm with him an awful lot), they have very little contact, and it's all very impersonal, about car insurance mostly.

 

We're planning on moving in together in December, and he's said that he wants to be divorced by the time we move in. However, there seems to be no forward movement, and he seems to be blowing it off. The only other information that I have is that she has a lot of student debt, so is it possible that he's putting it off because he's afraid she'll ask for money?

 

Please give me some advice, I love him, but I don't know where to draw the line and when this becomes disrespectful to me. I've never dated anyone significantly older than I am, and I've never dealt with a married/divorced/separated man. I so very much want this to work. Please help!!

[Lucky_One]

I would tell him that you will not live with him if he isn't divorced. At the point of living together, he should be thinking about car insurance with YOU, not car insurance with his sepW.

 

I assume that all of her things are out of his home, and that all finances are split properly, too?

[kiss_andmakeup]

The fact that he was dishonest about this with you from the beginning is a huge red flag. If a SO decided to reveal this to me after several months, and after things "got serious," I'd be royally pissed.

 

Definitely don't move in with him. I'd go so far as to say you should break it off with him completely, and that he can call you when divorce papers are filed.

[LuluJ]

They live completely separately for four years now. Their belongings are separate, and he's dated other girls besides me. This is the first serious relationship since the separation, however. As it was explained to me, she has a lawyer, papers were drawn up, but since things were amicable, they both just got lazy and never finished it off. It was easier to stay legally married, I guess.

 

They meet up every now and then for her to give him money (her half of the insurance payments). He claims to be very serious about me, we've even talked about marriage. He said that finalizing the divorce was extremely important to him, but he seems to be avoiding it. He just left for a three week trip to Europe, and he wanted to meet up with her before he left, but that was the meeting he blew off. When I asked him why, he said he didn't want to have a bad meeting with her that would be on his mind during his trip, and that he was going to definitely get it done as soon as he got back.

 

I have such horrible anxiety about this, but I cant talk to him about it while he's in Europe, so I'm all alone with this.

 

I don't want to pressure him to do it, I want him to WANT to do it. What's the problem here? They've been separated for FOUR YEARS!!!! Why not just end it officially? It's obviously over... right?

[KathyM]

I have been dating a wonderful man for almost a year. I'm 26 and he's 38. On our first date, I asked him if he had ever been married, and he said yes, but that they hadn't been together for four years. I assumed they were divorced, but a few months into the relationship, just as things were starting to get serious, he admitted to me that they had never finalized the divorce. They have essentially been SEPARATED for four years, and though papers were drawn up, they had both been "lazy" and never finalized. There are no kids involved, but they share car insurance which saves them both some money. They're amicable, but completely and totally over (according to him). He told me that he loved me, that I was very important to him and that he wanted to be available to me, so he was going to get on with the divorce right away.

 

I have tried very VERY hard not to nag or pressure him, but it's been months and he hasn't done anything to expidite the process, as far as I know. He even had a meeting set up with her, but he blew it off. I told him that it bothered me that he blew it off, and that I didn't want to wake up a year from now and have to admit to myself that he was never going to divorce her. He scoffed at that, as if it was a totally ridiculous fear. It REALLY bugged me that he blew that meeting off. It made me feel like he was ambivalent about divorcing her. She lives very close to him, but as far as I can tell (and I'm with him an awful lot), they have very little contact, and it's all very impersonal, about car insurance mostly.

 

We're planning on moving in together in December, and he's said that he wants to be divorced by the time we move in. However, there seems to be no forward movement, and he seems to be blowing it off. The only other information that I have is that she has a lot of student debt, so is it possible that he's putting it off because he's afraid she'll ask for money?

 

Please give me some advice, I love him, but I don't know where to draw the line and when this becomes disrespectful to me. I've never dated anyone significantly older than I am, and I've never dealt with a married/divorced/separated man. I so very much want this to work. Please help!!

12 years is an awfully big age gap. He is in a different stage of life than you. You are young, he is middle aged. Why would you want someone so much older? I know it may seem doable right now, but the age difference will seem like a lot as time goes on. My young neice who is in her early twenties started dating a divorced man that was middle aged. He took good care of her (they lived together), but she soon realized that that was not what she wanted. She wanted someone she could raise a family with and that would be a good long term marriage partner. Middle aged men are normally past the stage where they want to become parents. You would be wise to drop this guy and find somebody closer to your own age. My neice has now moved out and has a new boyfriend her own age that also treats her well, and they are a good match for each other. Much better than the middle aged man. Not only the age difference is going to creep up on you, he is dragging his feet on the divorce. Not a good sign. You deserve someone better who is young and available to build a life with.

[carhill]

Please give me some advice

Check out his divorce docket at the courthouse or online at their web site. The case summary will show any activity either by the parties or the court.

 

I wouldn't invest in someone who's not making definitive steps to be legally available for a relationship. Note: some people legally separate, which is, in many jurisdictions, similar to divorce, except that they can't legally marry. All property and custody issues are settled or bifurcated.

 

He'll divorce when he's ready. Your choice is what you do. Many potentials.

 

ETA, since everything is amicable, have him introduce you to his stbx the next time they meet up. This solidifies the story he is telling you with definitive evidence and action. If everything you know is hearsay, he could very well have a number of mistresses and be quite married.

Edited July 19, 2011 by carhill

[serial muse]

He just left for a three week trip to Europe, and he wanted to meet up with her before he left, but that was the meeting he blew off. When I asked him why, he said he didn't want to have a bad meeting with her that would be on his mind during his trip, and that he was going to definitely get it done as soon as he got back.

 

Well, this is a red flag. Why would it be a bad meeting if everything's amicable and everyone agrees it should happen??

 

I absolutely agree with those who said you should not move in unless he's fully divorced. There is a reason he's dragging his heels, and it's not just laziness. And it sucks that he's minimizing your feelings and your fears, which are very legitimate. He should be taking them seriously.

 

I would ask him why he thought it would be a bad meeting. That doesn't gel with everything else he's said.

[Jessica45]

They live completely separately for four years now. Their belongings are separate, and he's dated other girls besides me. This is the first serious relationship since the separation, however. As it was explained to me, she has a lawyer, papers were drawn up, but since things were amicable, they both just got lazy and never finished it off. It was easier to stay legally married, I guess.

 

They meet up every now and then for her to give him money (her half of the insurance payments). He claims to be very serious about me, we've even talked about marriage. He said that finalizing the divorce was extremely important to him, but he seems to be avoiding it. He just left for a three week trip to Europe, and he wanted to meet up with her before he left, but that was the meeting he blew off. When I asked him why, he said he didn't want to have a bad meeting with her that would be on his mind during his trip, and that he was going to definitely get it done as soon as he got back.

 

I have such horrible anxiety about this, but I cant talk to him about it while he's in Europe, so I'm all alone with this.

 

I don't want to pressure him to do it, I want him to WANT to do it. What's the problem here? They've been separated for FOUR YEARS!!!! Why not just end it officially? It's obviously over... right?

Why would he think the meeting would go badly if they are amicable and truly over each other? That part doesn't make sense to me.

[Lucky_One]

I can see holding off on a divorce for health insurance. Car insurance? Not so much. Care insurance usually doesn't give huge discounts for married couples; they tend to look at each driver's record separately.

 

I would look at his behavior in all aspects of his life. Does he tend to procrastinate on big things? Bills? Filing taxes? Buying Christmas gifts? Speaking to anyone about sensitive topics?

 

This definitely passive behavior. Could be something to watch out for.

[carhill]

'Bad meetings' equal drama and interest. Time-honored male technique. A man who has managed to apparently string his 'estranged' wife along for four years is probably pretty talented. If everything was perfect, he'd be boring, not to mention divorced.

[sm1tten]

If you have communicated your discomfort and dissatisfaction to him and he continues to blow off your feelings or make no forward progress towards attaining a divorce, then you have to decide whether you are willing to continue being in a serious relationship with someone who is both dismissive of how you feel and has an unresolved relationship with someone else. When he comes back from Europe, sit down and discuss then... then see how/if he follows up. Set a time frame, even, in your own mind (I wouldn't give him an ultimatum) of how long you are willing to wait to see some progress on the divorce. Proceed from there.

 

ETA: Also FWIW some people are indeed that lazy/stupid. My mother and my stepfather haven't been together in over a decade and haven't spoken in about as long... yet remain legally married. I don't get it at all.

[Arabella]

I am a woman in the same situation. I left my ex about two years ago and moved to another city. Here, I met a new guy, whom I am now living with. He is (and has always been, from day one) fully aware that I am still technically married. I have every intention of marrying him one day and forming a family with him. He is also aware of this.

 

The reason why my ex and I haven't gotten divorced is very similar. We are both very tight on cash (we're both adult students) and it just never seems to be a priority to pull together several hundred dollars to actually file and get it over with. There are more important things we both need to spend money on.

 

My ex has a girl he met on Craigslist while looking for a hookup and she moved in after a week of meeting. She has known the whole time that he was married, she hates me, and she's been pressuring him all along. The way I see it, she made the choice to sleep with a married man, even though she knew the situation ... I could not care less how she feels about it.

 

You, on the other hand, were LIED to. That, if anything, is the only thing I am concerned about your boyfriend. If a man lies to you about something that important, it makes me wonder about his true character.

 

If I were you, I'd give him some time to straighten out the divorce thing (since he has said that he would), and if he doesn't, move on.

[LuluJ]

I am a woman in the same situation. I left my ex about two years ago and moved to another city. Here, I met a new guy, whom I am now living with. He is (and has always been, from day one) fully aware that I am still technically married. I have every intention of marrying him one day and forming a family with him. He is also aware of this.

 

The reason why my ex and I haven't gotten divorced is very similar. We are both very tight on cash (we're both adult students) and it just never seems to be a priority to pull together several hundred dollars to actually file and get it over with. There are more important things we both need to spend money on.

 

My ex has a girl he met on Craigslist while looking for a hookup and she moved in after a week of meeting. She has known the whole time that he was married, she hates me, and she's been pressuring him all along. The way I see it, she made the choice to sleep with a married man, even though she knew the situation ... I could not care less how she feels about it.

 

You, on the other hand, were LIED to. That, if anything, is the only thing I am concerned about your boyfriend. If a man lies to you about something that important, it makes me wonder about his true character.

 

If I were you, I'd give him some time to straighten out the divorce thing (since he has said that he would), and if he doesn't, move on.

 

 

Bless you, this is the post that has given me the most comfort. I obviously have wondered about the lying, but since he seems to be completely honest otherwise, I've decided to forgive it. After all, who hasn't lied on a first date? And sometimes what feels like a small fib turns into a big secret which turns into a big fat lie. So I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt on that one.

 

I think your situation sounds a lot like theirs... they're both teachers (not a high paying job), and she has loads of debt. I think that might have been what he was referring to when he said he was afraid of having a "bad meeting" with her, he was afraid she'd ask him to pay for it, or, worse, give her money in the settlement.

 

I've dated a few real jerks, and I don't think he is one... I think he wants to be with me 100%, but he's not looking forward to the drama and financial responsibilities of finalizing.

 

I am fully aware that I'll have to create some kind of deadline and stick to it. I guess I'll wait and see if he's serious about moving in together, and if he's not, I'll assume he's not serious about me and (sigh) move on.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Are you sure he does not live with his wife? And are you sure he is not in Europe with her?

I would put a private detective on this so that you know exactly what is true and what is not true.

But it is not good that he lied to you.

[LuluJ]

Are you sure he does not live with his wife? And are you sure he is not in Europe with her?

I would put a private detective on this so that you know exactly what is true and what is not true.

But it is not good that he lied to you.

 

 

He does not live with his wife, we essentially live together in his apartment, although I have my own place which I stay at once a week, tops.

 

He's not in Europe with her. Let's just say, if he's sleeping with her, he's the best liar/cheater on earth. There are absolutely NO signs of feelings between them, I've read the emails and the texts.

[Arabella]

I think your situation sounds a lot like theirs... they're both teachers (not a high paying job), and she has loads of debt. I think that might have been what he was referring to when he said he was afraid of having a "bad meeting" with her, he was afraid she'd ask him to pay for it, or, worse, give her money in the settlement.

 

My ex and I have worked out all of our financial matters so, to us, the divorce really means very little. It's just a piece of paper, so we're not particularly motivated to strain ourselves financially to do it. I am, nevertheless, 100% committed to my new boyfriend, and he knows that.

 

It also helps that my bf and my ex actually get along famously. Have you considered giving this girl a call and see what she's like? Ask your boyfriend if it would be possible for the three of you to sit down and talk things out, so you all know where you stand.

 

I've dated a few real jerks, and I don't think he is one... I think he wants to be with me 100%, but he's not looking forward to the drama and financial responsibilities of finalizing.

 

Since it sounds like your boyfriend and his ex still have financial issues to work out, I can definitely understand him being afraid of it. But he DID lie to you. I wouldn't suggest ending the relationship over this, but if he is sorry about misleading you, then he needs to back it up with actions and go through with the divorce.

 

I am fully aware that I'll have to create some kind of deadline and stick to it. I guess I'll wait and see if he's serious about moving in together, and if he's not, I'll assume he's not serious about me and (sigh) move on.

 

Just don't allow yourself to get dragged further into the relationship until you see some progress. Don't make any demands or ultimatums, but don't allow it to get stagnant. And no matter what, DO NOT push back the deadline you set for yourself (make sure it's reasonable though, these things do take time!)

[David Cain]

The man is not cheating if he's still seeing his wife, it's the other way around.

[irc333]

There was this one woman online that listed herself as "single" and not "separated"

 

We were chatting online, had a good chat going, and said she never had been divorced. She said she works for an attorney and could easily and very quickly, have a divorce done and over...but figured there was "no rush" (typical cop-out response) or gave me the, "It's only a piece of paper" line.

 

I said to her, "Well, if you can do it so quickly, then what's the hold up?!"

 

And she said, that there was no rush to do it, but has been dating freely in her life.

 

Now, it's one thing when there's a divorce pending for a couple of months

 

But to deliberately "hold out" on it....that's pretty selfish.

 

There's another person I know, her excuse was, "I don't plan on marrying again."

 

So she's not divorcing, only because she NEVER plans on marrying?

 

Some of these excuses never make any sense, and it's all done out of selfishness.

[irc333]

My ex and I have worked out all of our financial matters so, to us, the divorce really means very little. It's just a piece of paper, so we're not particularly motivated to strain ourselves financially to do it.

 

Now here's something to THINK about......

 

When people are living together outside of marriage, and not getting married, their reason is "It's just a piece of paper."

 

But when they're married, and not divorcing....that's the same line they use.

 

Makes me wonder why they even married in a first place??

 

Apparently, it wasn't a piece of paper to them when they got married, otherwise they would've just lived together.

 

If they got married, then it wasn't a piece of paper, it was more....but now that they are divorcing, it's just a piece of paper to them?

 

I can see there's a contradiction here.

 

I think would have MORE respect for those who never got married in the FIRST place, and deemed it "just a piece of paper"

[irc333]

Scenario:

 

Okay, you come home early, you walk in on your spouse having sex with your best friend....you catch them in the act.

 

You say you expletives.

 

And as they finish, he/she takes a long drag on their cigarette and say, "Quit whinin, after all, marriage...it's just a piece of a paper!"

 

Then he/she laughs and high fives her lover.

Edited July 19, 2011 by irc333

[David Cain]

Scenario:

 

Okay, you come home early, you walk in on your spouse having sex with your best friend....you catch them in the act.

 

You say you expletives.

 

And as they finish, he/she takes a long drag on their cigarette and say, "Quit whinin, after all, marriage...it's just a piece of a paper!"

 

Then he/she laughs and high fives her lover.

 

That's cuckolding.

[Jessica45]

It took about a year for my divorce to become final. We had a legal separation agreement drawn up to protect ourselves from any financial liability the other might accrue within that time.

 

I wouldn't be comfortable being married yet separated without some form of legal agreement like that.

[carhill]

My ex and I have worked out all of our financial matters so, to us, the divorce really means very little. It's just a piece of paper, so we're not particularly motivated to strain ourselves financially to do it. I am, nevertheless, 100% committed to my new boyfriend, and he knows that.

 

It also helps that my bf and my ex actually get along famously. Have you considered giving this girl a call and see what she's like? Ask your boyfriend if it would be possible for the three of you to sit down and talk things out, so you all know where you stand.

 

IMO, this is healthy. OP, listen to this advice and take it to heart if you want a healthy relationship with this man. Transparency and proactivity are crucial to trust and health.

 

When I was separated and dating, my now exW had her own home and her own life and her own boyfriend. I would have happily put any woman in touch with her if she was curious, as well as provide her with our divorce docket number at the courthouse. It's not rocket science; however it is kinda boring

[Arabella]

Now here's something to THINK about......

 

When people are living together outside of marriage, and not getting married, their reason is "It's just a piece of paper."

 

But when they're married, and not divorcing....that's the same line they use.

 

Makes me wonder why they even married in a first place??

 

Apparently, it wasn't a piece of paper to them when they got married, otherwise they would've just lived together.

 

If they got married, then it wasn't a piece of paper, it was more....but now that they are divorcing, it's just a piece of paper to them?

 

I can see there's a contradiction here.

 

I think would have MORE respect for those who never got married in the FIRST place, and deemed it "just a piece of paper"

 

The point I was trying to make is that, in our case, our divorce has already happened for all intents and purposes. The relationship ended, we don't live together, and our financial matters are settled. What do we really have to gain or lose at this point? When we have money, it'll get done. Nobody is stressing over it.

 

It would be different if, as in the case of the OP, there were still lots of things to be taken care of that were being put off.

[MyTPen]

I don't understand the apathy on the part of both parties. Why does the wife continue in this marriage, which is nothing more than a civil union? Why doesn't she file for divorce, wipe the slate clean, and put it all behind her?