Should women approach men in bars vs. "The chase"

[sydneysider1978]

Hi All,

 

I dress up OK and usually get chatted up a bit in bars. The guys who approach are usually super-confident and a bit full of themselves, which isn't really my type. I like regular, down-to-earth, smart guys. The ones who are probably just chatting with their mates rather than cruising for women. So I ask myself, why don't I approach the guys I like the look of? There is a small element of fear of rejection, however my main fear is that men don't actually like being pursued.. The old advice that men like to chase and it devalues you in their eyes if you come on too strong.

 

I'm thinking my new approach would be to maybe approach guys with a bit of fun chat but leave it to them a little to continue the conversation or take things further.

 

Guys? What do you think? Ladies, do you chat guys up?

[TuffCookieX]

I never march up to a guy but if I find a guy attractive, 99% of the time there will be a way for me to chat him up at some point in the night. Either he approaches me OR I stare him down until I catch eye contact, and lure him in that way.

Most times if he is with friends and doesn't want to ditch them, I will do my flirty stare/smile thing and he will gesture for me to come over but I always wait for the invite.

 

I'm such a creep, but this works everytime.

[Cee]

^I have the same approach as TuffCookie, but I'm a little more forward.

 

I am available for the chance of idle chit chat with men who aren't circulating and talking to friends. Usually at some point in the night, there is a chance to talk. That's how I met a great love of my life.

 

I met my current boyfriend at a bar, too, during a meetup. That was easier because nobody was talking to either of us so we passed the time by chatting across the bar. When he sent signals of interest through repeated eye contact, I asked him to sit next to me so we didn't have to shout.

 

Personally, I that it's idea to approach men at bars who seem shyer or not interested in hitting on everyone who crosses their path. Even if they aren't attracted (or available), at least they'll be pleasant and friendly.

Edited June 13, 2011 by Cee

[Velociraptor]

I think most guys probably would like it if a woman approached them, offcourse some don't though. But most men would like it, easily.

 

However.

 

Women don't like approaching men. The idea that men hate it when women do it was invented by women.

 

Makes me wonder were all these men who don't like it live? The middle east? Because it sure as hell isn't Europe or the USA or the western world in general. The ONLY place were you'll find men who hate it and have that conservative view on it is in places like Saudi Arabia.

 

But like I said some probably do not like it... even here... but most men do.

[Velociraptor]

And one thing.

 

Most women who have approached a man say's that when it happened it didn't work or she got rejected and thats somehow "proof" that men hate it when women approach and they will never do it again.

 

Men get rejected all the time. Nuff said.

 

That you got rejected once doesn't mean anything. Most men will get rejected alot of times by women, some more than others. I guess by your logic that means women hate it when men approach them?

[Cee]

Another thing to consider is that some women greatly exaggerate the concept of "hitting on a man." There have been times I thought I was flirting outrageously and the guy thought I was engaging in platonic chit chat.

 

I saw a comic yesterday where a woman walked by a man without looking at him and then commented "OMG, I was too forward." I'd pull up the comic, but I can't find it now.

[EasyHeart]

There's certainly nothing wrong with a woman going up to a man and starting a conversation. That happens all the time. But it's got nothing to do with "the chase".

 

When we caution women about "chasing" men, we're referring to things like: texting him all day long, calling him every day "just to check in", buying him gifts, picking out a china pattern after the third date, or freaking out because he wants to go to a ball game with his friends, etc.

 

Saying, "Hi, I'm Taylor," is not chasing.

[Restless_Journeyman]

More introverted men often aren't the most confident in the world when it comes to approaching women, particularly those they don't really know. Speaking just for myself it would be pretty awesome if women would hit me up when I was out.

[Velociraptor]

There's certainly nothing wrong with a woman going up to a man and starting a conversation. That happens all the time. But it's got nothing to do with "the chase".

 

When we caution women about "chasing" men, we're referring to things like: texting him all day long, calling him every day "just to check in", buying him gifts, picking out a china pattern after the third date, or freaking out because he wants to go to a ball game with his friends, etc.

 

Saying, "Hi, I'm Taylor," is not chasing.

 

But if a man did all those things to a woman... then it wouldn't work out very good either.

[sydneysider1978]

Thanks guys. All good points.

 

BTW - I don't despise anyone, super-assertive men just aren't my type and it never seems to work out. And it's not my logic... it common advice that girls get about not chasing men. I get the point thought, that one or two rejections would be because I don't float their boat and never would, rather than them being turned off by me approaching.

 

Where I live (Australia) bars/pubs are more like an extension of your living room. If you want to meet up with mates, you'd do it in a pub rather than each others houses or a cafe. It's not just super-extrovert people that are into the bar scene.

[alethean]

There's certainly nothing wrong with a woman going up to a man and starting a conversation. That happens all the time. But it's got nothing to do with "the chase".

 

When we caution women about "chasing" men, we're referring to things like: texting him all day long, calling him every day "just to check in", buying him gifts, picking out a china pattern after the third date, or freaking out because he wants to go to a ball game with his friends, etc.

 

Saying, "Hi, I'm Taylor," is not chasing.

 

I was going to say something along these lines, but you said it already. So...yeah.

[Shaun-Dro]

I feel that a woman should approach a man that she's into getting to know. She doesn't have to chase. We don't want or expect that from you ladies. Just creating an opening by making a comment on something with good eye contact is enough to get a guy's attention.

 

This allows you to go after what you want without us ever putting our guards up, because men don't do that. Sure, you might get the shy type guys, but the best ones are in-between shy and aggressive, like myself.

 

I'm starting to get more and more signs of interest from women now that I wasn't getting before since I dropped my hangup and decided to just go at it lean and free.

 

Part of it was due to me hanging out with my "charmer" friend that opened my eyes. The other part was due to me feeling alone inside. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a loner by nature, with an occasional buddy here and there but mostly I like to do things on my own.

 

And with doing so, I'm more relaxed and women are now picking up on it, but she's only dropping hints, not really going after me, unless we're in a club or lounge and I'm not into those venues.

 

So, yes, step it up LADIES!!!

[Velociraptor]

I feel that a woman should approach a man that she's into getting to know.

 

Women do not want to approach men.

 

Most men just want to find a good partner and have a good relationship, right? Women might also want that, but it's absolutley essential for them that the man pursues them and that the man wants them more than they want the man.

 

If the man doesn't approach the woman first and takes the initative, then there's no point what so ever for the woman. It simply doesn't matter if she can get a great guy aslong as she has to make the first move... She'd rather be with someone "less" great aslong as that man pursues her and approaches her first. It's THAT important for women that the man approaches them first.

[sydneysider1978]

No, no, no! This is what my question is about!

 

I'm a pretty assertive person and I enjoy chatting to people. However, pop-culture has been telling me that guys don't like this, that I will appear pushy and unfeminine if I approach. That guys will only appreciate something that appears hard to get, hence, if I make the first move then I'm easy.

 

I finally getting the picture that I should just be myself. Heck, if I guy can't handle me being open, communicative and asking for what I want, it's not going to work out anyway. The Rules suck.

[acrossthemiles1]

Women do not want to approach men.

You are incorrect; I met my current boyfriend by walking up to him in a bar and striking up a conversation. While he is a very social guy, he is not the sort of dude to chat up girls in bars, and we likely would never have met had I not approached him. Needless to say I'm quite happy I did, ha.