jane100 Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 I notice a lot of men here on LS complain about their lack of response to their messages on dating sites. I am sure it can be disheartening - though I have to say as a woman who sometimes emails men i am most interested in - i get very little response from the ones I like! Instead, mostly, obviously, I have to deal with emails I get from men who I am not interested in .... Anyway, this is my question: I am going to do some more internet dating in the near future. If a guy just writes "hi babe, howz yr day?" obviously I just ignore . But what if a guy has taken a little bit of trouble but you are still not really interested. Do you ignore - or do you say - thanks but no thanks? I don't like ignoring when the men seem genuine and have made a bit of effort. But on the other hand surely its worse getting "thanks but I'm not interested". Or is it just a conundrum ... ???? Link to post Share on other sites
Kelemort Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Reply back and talk a little bit anyway. What have you got to lose, really? Or, keep conversations brief with the other person, if need be. I'd really suggest just ignoring - if you're not interested, what's the point in wasting anybody's time? It's hurtful, yes, but it's better than to give false hope. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 I don't think you should lead him on (or waste your time) by having a conversation if you're not interested. I think it'd be polite to say "thanks for contacting me, I'm not interested though" or something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
irc333 Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 I am going to do some more internet dating in the near future. If a guy just writes "hi babe, howz yr day?" obviously I just ignore . You know what's funny, I've NEVER written an email like that to a woman in my life, and I still don't get a response. So this post is rather moot in my case. Link to post Share on other sites
Freshprince Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Honestly, I think we should think of it more collectively as a reward-system. Guys who put effort into their messages by reading your profile and asking personal questions should at least be rewarded with a response or acknowledgment of some kind. And guys who simply write one-sentence should not be rewarded with any response of any kind. If you punish good guys who make effort with no response, then eventually they will all default to the "one-sentence economic" approach, since they don't get replies regardless of how much effort they put in, which would make online dating bad for everyone in the end. Perhaps this is too "big-picture" for any personal application, however. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 I treat people the way I'd like to be treated. I much prefer to have an online dating site initial message go ignored than a response that they're not interested. Link to post Share on other sites
Illiandra Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 ive started recently with this online thing ... as a female its hard to respond to ALL emails. with that being said in the begining i used to respond to everyone until it got to the point of silly emails with guys i knew i wasnt interested. then i stopped responding to them. and they starting emailing, why did you stop emailing, what are you up to, why dont we chat. (UGH annoying) now i delete all emails if i do not have an interest in that person, its silly to lead the males on when there is 0 chance and 0 interest lol especially if they arent your type! Link to post Share on other sites
green_tea Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Honestly, I think we should think of it more collectively as a reward-system. Guys who put effort into their messages by reading your profile and asking personal questions should at least be rewarded with a response or acknowledgment of some kind. But doesn't this lead them to think they have a chance then? What's the point of a few emails with someone? It's going to have to end at some stage. It's hard to know what to do. Sometimes I've ignored, then actually got them writing back saying it's rude to ignore. And a couple that I have written back to saying I wasn't interested, wanted to know why. I've gone back to ignoring now, it's just easier. Link to post Share on other sites
irc333 Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 If you punish good guys who make effort with no response, then eventually they will all default to the "one-sentence economic" approach. Agreed 100%, because I've fallen into this situation, I just figured "Why get a handcramp over a woman I haven't even met nor know??" I kind of fallen out of that, and meet "half-way" in my content by throwin' in a little question here and there about the person I'm contacting. If they a cliche'd profile, I ask cliche'd questions as well. Like "How long have you been living in <city>, how long have you been single?" Things like that. If she makes some specific remark about a hobby, like she likes to Kayak, I ask her what favorite rivers and park areas she enjoys. Link to post Share on other sites
Freshprince Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 But doesn't this lead them to think they have a chance then? What's the point of a few emails with someone? It's going to have to end at some stage. It's hard to know what to do. Sometimes I've ignored, then actually got them writing back saying it's rude to ignore. And a couple that I have written back to saying I wasn't interested, wanted to know why. I've gone back to ignoring now, it's just easier. Yeah, I was probably a little vague. What I mean by "a response or acknowledgment of some kind" is just an e-mail says thank you but not interested. A lot of the dating sites have a default "No thanks" button that you can click on that will do it for you if you don't want to take the time to type it out. I still consider it a reward because at least you get acknowledged for your effort and that you at least took the time to read the message and reply with something. If a guy writes back to your "no thanks" then I don't think you're required to write back after that point, because you made your point clear after the first message. You said, "No thanks" so now it's his prerogative to respect your space. Link to post Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 Wow. I guess I've been going about this the wrong way this entire time. I will respond to any message I get (I've only received 4 unsolicited emails my entire time on dating sites) so long as a) it's an actual email with actual content and b) the person doesn't strike me as a complete creeper. Granted I'm not inundated with messages so it is physically possible for me to do this, for other people this might not be the case. As a guy, I can tell you we don't responses we want interest and eventually dates. The only reason I ever get upset about not getting any responses is because it means I clearly must not be that much of a catch otherwise I'd actually get someone to write back. All of this being said, I would just write back with answers to the guy's questions (if he asked any) or not respond at all. If you give him short answers and don't ask any questions back, he should get the hint. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 If the person contacted you and you and she had no prior conversation, then if you're not interested, don't respond. When I started internet dating, I made it a point to respond to every "decent" email a woman sent me. I stopped doing that. I mean, I still want to respect other people's feelings as much as before, but how am I supposed to respond to a thoughtful email--tell her that her looks don't do it for me? I could tell her that I'm already dating too many other people but that would be a lie. The kindest thing I know to do is to just not respond. Now if we exchanged emails back and forth or even more so, actually met up, then she deserves a response back to her communication. I always respond in that case. Link to post Share on other sites
Leeway Harris Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 There is absolutely no reason to write to a person to tell him you're not interested after an initial email. There is no way that's better than no response. In fact, I think it's worse. Since no response means "I'm not interested," why would you have to write somebody to explicitly state that? Seriously, don't do it. You're not doing anybody any favors with the "I'm not interested" emails. Link to post Share on other sites
Leeway Harris Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 Hey, I just had a funny idea: I think I'll start writing women who haven't written to me, and telling them I'm not interested. "Thanks for putting up this profile," I'll say. "But I don't think we'd be a good match. Keep looking, I'm sure you'll find a really nice guy someday. Good luck!" She'd be like "WTF?!?!?" Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 You don't have to write someone just to say that you are not interested. Now if you have had some conversation with them... you emailed for a bit then lost interest that's different. Then a email saying your not interested and perhaps a brief reason is warranted. (Consider how you would feel if a man you liked just stopped responding to you and went "ugh annoying".) However it what Fresh Prince said will happen is going to happen. Let me put it this way. If you are looking at a mans pictures and deciding your interest based on weather he's hot or not. Then don't be offended when he sends a one line text message speak message "U R Hawt." In fact the law of statistics says that if a man simply spammed UR Hawt and he himself was moderately attractive he would eventually get responses. While a man who cramps his hands writting a long message and who's not attractive, fat, bald, greasy, and poorly dressed in his profile pic... will not get any response because the woman will look at his picture and discard him. TLDR: Online dating is a meat market. If you haven't got the beef then you won't get marketed. If you look at the other gender that way don't complain if they return the favor. Link to post Share on other sites
Von Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 I can't say I'm not guilty of this. I don't reply to women who I find physically unattractive. I am looking for an eventual long term partner, so ya she's going to have to be attractive to me, so that I would stay in it for the long haul. On the other side, I'm not unattractive, so I don't get why all the constant ignores. In this case, I kinda wish they would give me an explanation of why they are not interested, because I don't think its my looks, I think it's my poorly written emails and/or profile. then I could learn to adjust what's written based on what they think that is also who I am. If that makes sense. But, I've pretty much already emailed every woman on there I would consider so it's kinda moot at this point. Maybe after some time I could write them again (with an awesome new email skill if I ever get it) and they would have had so many emails since then it'll be like new. Lol Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 It really sucks when youre a guy writing all these women who arent responding to you. then you finally get an email from one of them, you see the picture and its a REALLY cute, and its a message saying "im not interested". THAT SUCKS!!! No one needs confirmation of a rejection like that. Do not reply to guys that you arent interested in, doing that is worse than ignoring them in this instance. The only time you should be replying that you arent interested is if a guy keeps emailing you that you ignored. THEN you tell him that you arent interested. if every guy that you wrote online replied to you that they werent interested, how long would you really stay on that site? Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 When I was doing online dating, I would once in a while e-mail a bunch of hot guys on there. Couple of times I got back "Sorry I am not interested". One guy said "You are not my type but don't give up!" - I actually felt down for an entire day due to that message. I would MUCH, MUCH prefer no response. I barely notice guys that don't respond and am not really bothered by it. Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 If you ignore someone you're not interested in, they don't bother you again because they know you won't respond. Maybe if they're really keen they might message you a couple of times, but they soon get the message when you don't reply. If you reply saying "no thanks" then they pester you with "Why aren't you interested?", "Let's be friends!", etc. The more you reply, the more it encourages them to continue pestering you. Sometimes they get vicious because you rejected them, and they reply with stuff like "You f****** b***h, you're not all that you know, I hope you die a horrible painful death". When I did online dating, I found the constant pestering to be annoying, and the occasional vicious emails were upsetting. Ignoring emails from men I wasn't interested in seemed rude at first, but it was much less hassle in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 If it's a real message (has some substance, even just a couple of sentences), they're in my specified age range and location, and they have a proper profile, I always read their WHOLE profile, even if I see something unappealing, I always finish it, and then I message them back that I'm not interested. Usually I try to be pretty nice about it. Some guys have said, "Thanks" for the messages; others have gotten angry. (One guy recently before I took my OKC down said, "It's not like I asked you to be my GF. I thought you were looking for friends!" And I *am* fine with being friends with someone, but not someone who wrote me a message that included compliments on being beautiful and who's profile clearly shows they're looking for romance, and kind of serious. That leads nowhere good. But he wrote a whole rant about it. So, you do get that sometimes; probably if I'd ignored him, that wouldn't have happened.) However, I always prefer to treat people as I want to be treated as well, and ignoring someone seems rude. I'd rather get a "No thanks, not interested" than nothing. I only reply the once, though. If they try to "convince" me to change my mind, they don't get a 2nd reply. It just makes me more sure that I made the right decision. Link to post Share on other sites
irc333 Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 Right, the only unsolicited emails I've ever gotten, which is once in a blue moon...from women, are those from the chronically obese women that come from the backwoods, and have this "Jerry Springer" talk show candidate way about them. I weigh less than they do, so chances are I won't be dating them, but I'm more on the average side, and when I do get responses from women....I to tend to get the really nice looking ones after a long dry spell of non-responses. FINALLY one bites (got a date with a lovely lady this Sat night). I can't say I'm not guilty of this. I don't reply to women who I find physically unattractive. I am looking for an eventual long term partner, so ya she's going to have to be attractive to me, so that I would stay in it for the long haul. On the other side, I'm not unattractive, so I don't get why all the constant ignores. In this case, I kinda wish they would give me an explanation of why they are not interested, because I don't think its my looks, I think it's my poorly written emails and/or profile. then I could learn to adjust what's written based on what they think that is also who I am. If that makes sense. But, I've pretty much already emailed every woman on there I would consider so it's kinda moot at this point. Maybe after some time I could write them again (with an awesome new email skill if I ever get it) and they would have had so many emails since then it'll be like new. Lol Link to post Share on other sites
PhillyDude Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 I notice a lot of men here on LS complain about their lack of response to their messages on dating sites. I am sure it can be disheartening - though I have to say as a woman who sometimes emails men i am most interested in - i get very little response from the ones I like! Instead, mostly, obviously, I have to deal with emails I get from men who I am not interested in .... Anyway, this is my question: I am going to do some more internet dating in the near future. If a guy just writes "hi babe, howz yr day?" obviously I just ignore . But what if a guy has taken a little bit of trouble but you are still not really interested. Do you ignore - or do you say - thanks but no thanks? I don't like ignoring when the men seem genuine and have made a bit of effort. But on the other hand surely its worse getting "thanks but I'm not interested". Or is it just a conundrum ... ???? Ignore them, no need to reject someone you never met. Link to post Share on other sites
PhillyDude Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 It really sucks when youre a guy writing all these women who arent responding to you. then you finally get an email from one of them, you see the picture and its a REALLY cute, and its a message saying "im not interested". THAT SUCKS!!! No one needs confirmation of a rejection like that. Do not reply to guys that you arent interested in, doing that is worse than ignoring them in this instance. The only time you should be replying that you arent interested is if a guy keeps emailing you that you ignored. THEN you tell him that you arent interested. if every guy that you wrote online replied to you that they werent interested, how long would you really stay on that site? I think it's written in a magazine somewhere for women to politely respond to a guy she is not interested in on a dating site because no girl can be that dumb-lol Link to post Share on other sites
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