10 Months and I'm Wondering...

[sweng3764]

I'm new to this site and have been lurking in the shadows, but I have a bit of a problem (similar to aquaria127) and would really enjoy getting some feedback on this one.

 

I started dating a guy about 10 months ago who I had known for a couple of years. He's a great guy; actually, he's the nicest guy I've ever dated (and I've dated quite a few) and he treats me better than anybody I've ever been with. Unfortunately, he doesn't have his sh*t together at all.

 

I am 38 (almost 39) and he's just a few years younger than me. He evidently had some rough times in his life, made a few really bad decisions, which has left him in a somewhat precarious position. He has a job, but not a very good one (part-time, no benefits, low pay). He's extremely smart and has loads of potential, but can't seem to find a better job (I don't think he's trying as hard to find one as he could, it's been 10 months and nothing -- not even an interview and we live in a large metropolitan area); he doesn't have his own place; he filed bankruptcy three years ago -- the list goes on and on.

 

On the flip side, I received my bachelor's degree last year after busting my a$$ for 4-1/2 years working and going to school full time, I have a great job making an above-average income, I will be purchasing a house within the year, and the only debt I have is a student loan, which will be paid off in one more year. I have worked my butt off every day for the past 22 years and I have ambition and a few goals in life. I don't understand why he doesn't seem to.

 

I frequently ask him if he wants the same things out of life that I do (i.e., marriage, a home, good job, nice retirement, etc.), and he always says he does. I tell him quite often that we can't even begin to plan a future together until he gets a job and can help me attain these things, and he agrees. We discuss moving in together, something we'd both like to try, but he can't afford to pay half the rent. It's quite obvious he doesn't like where his life is at right now and every time we discuss it, we both conclude that a decent job would resolve 75% of his problems. Still no job.

 

Lately, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm just spinning my wheels here. I really do care a great deal for him; I've had some horrible relationships in the past and he is by far the most caring person I've ever known. He does all the things that women want from a man and complain that they never get. But, is this enough to overlook everything else? Should I just go with the flow and see what happens? I'm not sure I can stay with somebody I have to financially support. Financially, I could probably do it, but I often wonder if I would begin to resent him. I've told him many times that I don't expect him to make as much money as me, just enough to cover some of his own expenses and help me out with the bills.

 

Life is short and I'm already 38. Should I be happy with what I have or should I expect more?

[2SidestoStories]

Should I be happy with what I have or should I expect more?

 

I'd like to point out that you are NOT happy with what you have. You have not said quite that, but the tone of your question begs the question, "If you're not happy where you are, why are you still there?"

 

There will be people who may get on my case about this, and that's entirely their prerogative. But it would appear that in spite of the ten months being somewhat fulfilling on some level or another, that you have got pretty much what you are to expect of this man. You cannot change who he is, or the way he goes about making his life whatever he makes it.

 

Frightening as it may be to leave, it sounds like you really need to get off the sinking ship while you still can. He may be a fantastic individual, but you have pretty well already got sorted out what you want in a life partner, and this man is not it.

 

I wish you the best, as it sounds like you're well on your way to having success in your life!