Am I Being Played?

[DollWelch]

Hello all.

 

I have been conversing and getting to know a man on and off, for the last 4 or 5 months. I'll start off by saying, he and I share good chemistry, humour and attractiveness to each other. I could go on and on about the finer details in this courting process -but I'll cut to the chase.

 

He lives about 5 hours away from me (I do understand this is long distance), so I have -and apparently more-so he, has taken the time to learn more about each other. However, it's been at a snail's pace.

 

I have been quite busy for the last few months, and he has attested to being busy as well, but he doesn't make much contact. Few and far in-between.

 

I had a conversation with him, basically asking him why he even bothers sticking around if it's obvious he has no intention of pursuing a date with me. He went on to say that he does indeed take this seriously, that I'm very special to him, he doesn't want to lose me (his words) and that he wants to surprise me by coming into my city and taking me out on a date in about 2 months time from now (May). Apparently, he'll be in my city to pick something up -and that's when he'll be free from his obligations (work and school).

 

At first, I assumed that he'd just saying that, simply because he'll be in my city so he probably thinks he can take advantage of the opportunity and promise to take me out. Yet, on the other hand, he's convincing in that he seems really genuinely into me.

 

I'm confused. For some odd reason, I'm having a hard time letting go of this. Sigh.I know better than to fall for something like this. I am usually a good judge of character, especially with men.

 

Should I move on? Is it pointless to stick around?

[jane100]

My take. Though I'd be interested in other's opinions.

 

This for me is the danger of long-term online relationships where you don't meet for months. So much gets invested.

 

However, you seem somewhat invested now. So, my advice is to put it on the back burner and pursue other men. If he comes to visit you and take you out, fine and dandy. To me the red flag is that he expects you to wait two months for him, but I have come across men like this. I wouldn't expect a man to do that for me when he's never met me ! Is that the "player" side? I am not sure, others will probably have more experience here.

 

Problem is what are you going to do in the meantime? Keep up the internet relationship when you are unsure?

Edited February 27, 2011 by jane100

[DollWelch]

So, my advice is to put it on the back burner and pursue other men.

Thank you for your reply.

 

Yes, fortunately, I have been keeping myself occupied with various other things -including getting to know other men. I have other priorities, so he's definitely loosely hanging in the background (back burner).

[jane100]

Also Dollwech, I think the problem is that we associate a "Player" as someone who wants to cut to the chase and then bolt .

 

I find it puzzling and draining too when men drag out long email relationships they do not seem to be interested in making real. Perhaps this is a new kind of "Player" that one needs to be wary of. Though why they would do it I have absolutely no idea, its just so unsatisfying.

 

I am glad you have been doing other things and pursuing other men. But I still think that getting involved in email relationships can have an effect that is not positive, though apparently some people do and then have a real serious relationship.

 

But I am going to avoid in future, lika da plague.

Edited February 27, 2011 by jane100

[DollWelch]

Update:

 

He contacted me today out of the blue, which was weird in and of itself, simply because I rarely if ever hear from him -sparingly (2x in the last 4 weeks), and I was unexpectedly surprised.

 

I bluntly told him that popping in and out of someone's life is not a good start overall, unfair to both parties involved and that I had assumed he had moved on just as I have/did (paraphrased). He understood, and went on to say that he's been caught up in his career/school and should be done in about a month's time -which he insists by then he'll be free to take me out on that date.

 

He added that if I've met someone else, and asked whether or not I have, then it wouldn't be a problem; it's understandable. Even though I do want to believe him -and I completely understand his situation, I know how people can be stressed out in his field, his words do ring true -however a part of me is still skeptical.

 

I concluded by saying that in a month's time when he's done and a little less stressed/caught up, to give me a call. He responded with a "I will call you in a month's time" (paraphrased).

 

I'm not one to harshly, intentionally, or blatantly hurt a man's ego -but it had to be said.

 

Did I make the right move?

[East7]

In my opinion he has a relationship that must not be going well and he keeps you as a back-up plan. That explains his on and off pop-ups. When he is upset with "her" he wants to talk with you.

You are not being played as he didn't promise you anything, you are just talking. Mislead YES..he knows you are interested and wants you as plan B or an option.

 

Look at the actions, not words, stress/career etc are just blah-blah..

 

You can never fully trust someone in distance that you don't really know.

[Cee]

I had somebody disappear for over a month between dates. I moved on and accepted a date from someone else. The guy texted me a month later and was surprised that I moved on. I was surprised that he'd thought I'd wait for a month for a virtual stranger to contact me. He claimed to have been busy, but then let slip he had made time to go on dates with another woman. Yeah, I was plan B. But it didn't matter because I had met someone else and we are still going strong.

 

I suggest you start fresh and get on the dating scene. If he calls in a month, you'll probably have forgotten about him. Or at least the memory will have faded quite a bit.

[jane100]

Thanks for letting us know Dollwech. It is no surprise really that he did get back in contact with you, from my experience on LS, men seem to do that when you go AWOL.

 

I can understand people being busy for a couple of weeks, but a month?! However, he does live 5 hours away from you, so I have no idea how that works out ...