start-fresh Posted December 21, 2010 Share Posted December 21, 2010 The girl I've been dating wants to wait until marriage to have sex... I'm still a virgin but she's had a few boyfriends in the past and now decided she wants to wait because of 'bad experiences' in the past. I know people make assumptions about male virgins in their 20s but fortunately I don't think I'm really awkward about it. She said she couldn't tell so far but maybe she would have if we would have gotten sexual. It just felt really natural with her. The main reason I'm still a virgin is, whether or not it's justified, I'm picky. I was also scared in my younger years, didn't really feel ready, and was fine being single. One of the things that really ticks me off is I feel like I'm being punished for some bad choices in the past or something. Our makeout sessions have been pretty intense and I was getting stoked for and felt ready to have sex. Now, what happens if I wait... we're together for a couple years and she dumps me. Now I'm an even older virgin. Not even that, I don't really feel like you can experience full intimacy without sex. I mean, then you're basically friends that kiss. I would be completely fine waiting a few months to get to know each other better, but I think waiting until marriage, especially when she's not even a virgin, is putting such an artificial timetable on things. Also, it wouldn't be fair to stick around hoping she changes her mind, because most likely one or both of us could feel guilty if she does change her mind. Oh man, this girl was so awesome but I just don't think I can do it. Now I'm going to be the jerk that's only after sex too. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted December 21, 2010 Share Posted December 21, 2010 You are not hot enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted December 21, 2010 Share Posted December 21, 2010 I personally don't believe in waiting until marriage for sex, and I do believe sex is essential to serious romantic relationships. I don't blame you for having reservations. However, to be blunt-- you've also kind of got your head up your butt, in this scenario. Your choices in the past led to where you are today--on an emotional level, you seem to blame her for your virginity, which is obviously misplaced, and interpreting her shutting down of her own sex drive in reaction to bad experiences as a punishment for you is pretty self-absorbed. Do you know what her bad experiences were? Putting them in quotation marks indicates that you don't take them seriously or consider them valid reasons for not sleeping with you, which honestly makes me wonder if you're a bit more socially awkward than you think you are. Anyway, I can understand feeling disappointed, and questioning whether to stick around. If you are uncomfortable with making the huge decision to marry without experiencing sexual intimacy, that's understandable, and something you should absolutely be straightforward with her about, and unashamedly. But remember that just because this girl is not a virgin doesn't mean she's obligated to sleep with you just because you've decided now's your time, and the personal decisions she's made about sex and marriage are not invalidated or punitive just because you don't agree with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Surrealist Posted December 21, 2010 Share Posted December 21, 2010 This set up sucks and it will be rubbing salt into the wound if she not only changes her mind with you down the track, but rapes your wallet in the process. Imagine spending so much time and money on this woman for her only to bail on you down the road. Fook that. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 21, 2010 Share Posted December 21, 2010 ..... I would be completely fine waiting a few months to get to know each other better, but I think waiting until marriage, especially when she's not even a virgin, is putting such an artificial timetable on things. ...... Oh man, this girl was so awesome but I just don't think I can do it. Now I'm going to be the jerk that's only after sex too. I know it's a bit radical, but has it ever crossed your mind to actually talk this over with her? You're a virgin, she isn't. She's already had sex, you haven't. She wants to wait until she gets married before having sex again... Has she said she wants to wait until YOU TWO GUYS get married, before she has sex with you? Has she said when she would like to marry you? I mean, has she set a date, or is this one great big mysterious unknown? To both of you? Does she assume that obviously you'll be absolutely fine with this? (but you therefore have to accept that if you don't end up getting married, you'll have waited, as a virgin, for zip?) I think you need to talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted December 21, 2010 Share Posted December 21, 2010 I know it's a bit radical, but has it ever crossed your mind to actually talk this over with her? You're a virgin, she isn't. She's already had sex, you haven't. She wants to wait until she gets married before having sex again... Has she said she wants to wait until YOU TWO GUYS get married, before she has sex with you? Has she said when she would like to marry you? I mean, has she set a date, or is this one great big mysterious unknown? To both of you? Does she assume that obviously you'll be absolutely fine with this? (but you therefore have to accept that if you don't end up getting married, you'll have waited, as a virgin, for zip?) I think you need to talk. TM, swingin' by with the practical advice. Talking is always good in these situations, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Jynxx Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 She's requesting you'll be waiting additional years to have sex. You have every right to be upset about that, and if she doesn't find your feelings about that important enough to reconsider that should give you all the information you need about your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author start-fresh Posted December 22, 2010 Author Share Posted December 22, 2010 Thanks for that wake up call, Stung. Maybe you're right that I'm being full of myself and that's why I'm posting here to help me clear my thoughts before we talk more about it. I want to find out what her bad experiences were. You're right. If it's just getting emotionally attached from sex and then getting hurt in a breakup, that's a lot different than someone using her just for sex, as an example. Tara Maiden, you're right as well. We are going to talk more but I think getting a feel for others' experiences might help give me a little guidance too. Link to post Share on other sites
sagetalk Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 I would say it's best to be on the same page in this area. If you want sex before and she doesn't, then I'd say it's a good idea to part ways. Link to post Share on other sites
that girl Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 I think it is completely reasonable for you to decide this isn't the girl for you. But c'mon guys..... Raping your wallet? Not considering his needs? Sex is a personal decision, not some favor you do for someone else. Not everyone who likes each other works as a couple. Sex is a form of intimacy, but trusting someone with your insecurities and doubts and trusting them to have your back is a much bigger type of intimacy. I actually have a friend who did this- she had a few relationships in college, but when she graduated she decided it was a mistake for her and that she didn't want to have sex again until she got married. She definitely lost guys over it, but she found a guy who was a really good match for her and didn't have a problem with her decision. They've been married 5 years and are happy. I don't think it is unreasonable way to act. You're right. If it's just getting emotionally attached from sex and then getting hurt in a breakup, that's a lot different than someone using her just for sex, as an example. How is that different? Basically, that was my friend's issue- she felt that for her sex made her get too attached and not put enough importance on the guy's character so she stopped having sex. She could have just shifted to "I'll wait until we've been together 9 months" or something but she wanted to hold out for the guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author start-fresh Posted December 22, 2010 Author Share Posted December 22, 2010 How is that different? Basically, that was my friend's issue- she felt that for her sex made her get too attached and not put enough importance on the guy's character so she stopped having sex. She could have just shifted to "I'll wait until we've been together 9 months" or something but she wanted to hold out for the guy. The first reason to me seems more like someone that can't deal with all the aspects of a relationship, so she's hiding from that aspect of it. Also, to head off the comments about me being a hypocrite about this because I've never even had sex, yes I realize I could very well get too emotionally attached myself. I realize that! The second example wasn't her fault and I could see how getting burned by someone like that could make her gun shy. Link to post Share on other sites
that girl Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 I think you're being a little too judgmental. Bottom line is, you're not willing to wait until marriage so this isn't the girl for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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