Women in relationships; don't flirt with me

[somedude81]

Really, please don't.

 

Today was another bummer.

 

Super cute, really friendly girl shows up to Salsa class a little late. She's talking with her friend and another guy. She makes eye contact with me and we say hi. It seems the three of them are deciding who is going to dance with who. She pushes her friend to the guy and says, "I found my partner!" and walks over to me with a big smile.

 

We exchange pleasantries.

 

"How was your weekend?"

"It was real fun, I went to a party."

"What kind of party?"

"A haloween party. My boyfriend and I dressed up."

 

F-ing bitch!

 

Of course I didn't say that to her but it's what I said in my head. I really thought that she was flirting with me the past couple weeks and that I may have had a chance. Thank God I didn't ask her out which I was probably going to do this week after I did a little more probing to find out if she was single. At least she saved me from doing the legwork.

 

Frankly though, the level of flirting she was doing, definitely felt like she was leading me on. It's extremely frustrating to think that the a girl might like me then to find out she was just being friendly.

 

I really wish girls would stop for a second and look at how guys would interpret her actions.

[PJKino]

Its happeend to me,im thinking at the time on the inside: holy **** a womens actually attracted to me then she said she had a boyfriend and i was crushed

 

I think women do it to unattratcive guys like us to get a rise out of us or just f with us

[Green]

My GF had a boyfriend she was living with at the time I asked her out. I had no clue.

 

Didn't find out till after we started dating that she had been having problems with him and kicked him out and broke up with him after I asked her out.

 

Bottom line stop being so imature and acting so fragile. Who cares if a girl who has a bf flirted with you get over it. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS CARE SO MUCH

[that girl]

F-ing bitch!

 

Seriously? This is just way too much anger over something like this. I get that it is dissapointing, but it sounds like she could have just been being friendly.

 

And you could always see if she could introduce you to someone or maybe point out someone who you might have overlooked.

[Green]

Seriously? This is just way too much anger over something like this. I get that it is dissapointing, but it sounds like she could have just been being friendly.

 

And you could always see if she could introduce you to someone or maybe point out someone who you might have overlooked.

 

His anger and major emotions over little things like this are the main reason he doesn't have a gf. It's a violent cycle that he could easily end if he wanted to.

[loverofloveandstuff]

She probably wasn't even flirting with you. She was probably just being friendly. Seriously, some guys think they are interchangeable.

[Cracker Jack]

Ah, Green. Never being in a relationship can do more damage than you think. It certainly doesn't appear to be something he could "easily end" if he wanted. It's easier to come to that conclusion on the outside looking in, tho I know you truly mean well when you give advice.

 

Anyway, how was she flirting with you in the past few weeks? And what's up with the other guy that you had classes with? Aside from this woman you just referenced, is there anyone else in your class you might have interest in?

[Green]

Ah, Green. Never being in a relationship can do more damage than you think. It certainly doesn't appear to be something he could "easily end" if he wanted. It's easier to come to that conclusion on the outside looking in, tho I know you truly mean well when you give advice.

 

Anyway, how was she flirting with you in the past few weeks? And what's up with the other guy that you had classes with? Aside from this woman you just referenced, is there anyone else in your class you might have interest in?

 

So your telling me the fact that he has never had a relationship has done him damage? He did the damage to himself...

 

It is easy to end but he takes what he thinks is the easy route and causes more damage for himself. Maybe she was flirting with him, what does it matter if she has a boyfriend. Seriously she may have been dating the guy for one month and be ready to dump him.

 

There are other girls... why has he been so focused on one girl who he hasn't even MADE A MOVE ON. he just gets to invested emotionaly.

 

He causes all his problems then blames them on other people "Women in relationships; don't flirt with me" hahah omg

[Cracker Jack]

So your telling me the fact that he has never had a relationship has done him damage? He did the damage to himself...

 

Not being in a relationship actually is bad on the psyche for some; take this from someone who's 23 and never been in one. It's easy to say he's brought it on himself, but based on what I've read, he's certainly trying to change that. Now blaming others isn't going to help, I agree.

 

It is easy to end but he takes what he thinks is the easy route and causes more damage for himself. Maybe she was flirting with him, what does it matter if she has a boyfriend. Seriously she may have been dating the guy for one month and be ready to dump him.

 

Since it's easy, how do you easily overcome this issue? Having no "real successful" relationship experience with women, I really look forward to reading your answer.

 

There are other girls... why has he been so focused on one girl who he hasn't even MADE A MOVE ON. he just gets to invested emotionaly.

 

I'm...pretty sure he's made plenty of threads focusing on more than one woman.

 

He causes all his problems then blames them on other people "Women in relationships; don't flirt with me" hahah omg

 

Maybe. But again, when you're 29 and have had little to no success with women, how rational can you be about small things? Not saying SD should put the blame on any woman, since I don't quite agree with that. Just keep that tidbit in mind.

[Green]

Not being in a relationship actually is bad on the psyche for some; take this from someone who's 23 and never been in one. It's easy to say he's brought it on himself, but based on what I've read, he's certainly trying to change that. Now blaming others isn't going to help, I agree.

 

Being in a relationship isn't any cake walk. It takes constant work and there will be constant things that test you from parents that don't approve of you dating their daughter to her friends who are dicks who she likes hanging out with to some guy she claims are just friends. Even on top of that **** there will be fights about stupid ****.

 

The truth is he really needs to toughen up and so do you if you want a relationship. Instead of coming to me and explaining how being single is hard on the psyche you should be like "damn your right I do need to stop feeling sorry for myself"

 

I was 22 when I had my first kiss, first relationship first everything... but believe me once you figure this sht out (its all mental really) then you pretty much catch up to and exceed where you thought you'd be. Plus the older you get the easier it gets. Right now at 29 he has a better shot then he ever did when he was 23.

 

The trick to all this is to just stop Caring and learn to be yourself. My super hot gf loves comics and video games more then me. Although I must say I am better then her at video games even if she owns more then me.

 

My point was I hit on a large number of girls in a care free non awkward way. You want to know why it wasn't awkward because I didn't really care. Sure I only hit on really hot girls who I would love to date... but if they said no I wasn't that fragile loser who fell apart and went online and wrote FU posts like Somedude is. Girls sense that imaturity and run.

 

Seriously if you are cool about asking a girl out its not even like asking a girl out and it all goes so smooth and then you just Kiss them on the date. And you don't have to worry about what to talk about because you just flirt and talk about the **** you like and are interested in.

 

 

Since it's easy' date=' how do you easily overcome this issue? Having no "real successful" relationship experience with women, I really look forward to reading your answer.[/quote']

 

Look you already know what to do. You actualy give pretty great spot on advice. How about just TRYING and shuting out that part of your brain that say "OH NO REJECTION" just ignore it and ask girls out then kiss them. Obviously you have to fill in the blanks like flirting and figuring out what to say do. but basicly you know what to do. What would you do if you had no fear. If you had unlimited tries and time... thats what you should do!

 

 

I'm...pretty sure he's made plenty of threads focusing on more than one woman.

 

It doesn't matter he is really focused on this one girl now

 

 

Maybe. But again' date=' when you're 29 and have had little to no success with women, how rational can you be about small things? Not saying SD should put the blame on any woman, since I don't quite agree with that. Just keep that tidbit in mind. [/quote']

 

He could be really rational and seriously don't feel sorry for him he probably has it better then either of us

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

Super cute, really friendly girl shows up to Salsa class a little late. She's talking with her friend and another guy. She makes eye contact with me and we say hi. It seems the three of them are deciding who is going to dance with who. She pushes her friend to the guy and says, "I found my partner!" and walks over to me with a big smile.

 

I can see why there was a misunderstanding. The girl made an aggressive move and called dibs on you in front of the other girl. Was she, other girl, single? Irrelevant at this point. But the move was interpreted as one of being singled out from a group. Easy to see how one can think there is possible room for more. Especially if the class had other single girls.

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

I was 22 when I had my first kiss, first relationship first everything... but believe me once you figure this sht out (its all mental really) then you pretty much catch up to and exceed where you thought you'd be. Plus the older you get the easier it gets. Right now at 29 he has a better shot then he ever did when he was 23.

 

So you were basically clueless until you had that first relationship. I think you just proved Cracker Jack's point.

[Green]

So you were basically clueless until you had that first relationship. I think you just proved Cracker Jack's point.

 

No I didn't actualy because my point was that I was also a late bloomer and that one day I just decided enough was enough. Not like the girl fell into my lap I had to ask her out then kiss her then make all the moves.

 

My point is that him being 23 and Somedude being 29 means nothing. It actualy helps to get older.

[Cracker Jack]

Being in a relationship isn't any cake walk. It takes constant work and there will be constant things that test you from parents that don't approve of you dating their daughter to her friends who are dicks who she likes hanging out with to some guy she claims are just friends. Even on top of that **** there will be fights about stupid ****.

 

I agree.

 

The truth is he really needs to toughen up and so do you if you want a relationship. Instead of coming to me and explaining how being single is hard on the psyche you should be like "damn your right I do need to stop feeling sorry for myself"

Green, I've been agreeing with you on the "Not feeling sorry for myself" stance for the longest. Problem here is that I have SA (Social Anxiety) and it makes things much more difficult than you'd want them to be. I can't just up and change these things. I wish I could, but I can't. I'm way behind.

 

I was 22 when I had my first kiss, first relationship first everything... but believe me once you figure this sht out (its all mental really) then you pretty much catch up to and exceed where you thought you'd be. Plus the older you get the easier it gets. Right now at 29 he has a better shot then he ever did when he was 23.

 

The trick to all this is to just stop Caring and learn to be yourself. My super hot gf loves comics and video games more then me. Although I must say I am better then her at video games even if she owns more then me.

 

My point was I hit on a large number of girls in a care free non awkward way. You want to know why it wasn't awkward because I didn't really care. Sure I only hit on really hot girls who I would love to date... but if they said no I wasn't that fragile loser who fell apart and went online and wrote FU posts like Somedude is. Girls sense that imaturity and run.

Good stuff. You're still ahead of me by a wide margin, tho. And wouldn't this also imply that my chances at 23 will be tougher?

 

Seriously if you are cool about asking a girl out its not even like asking a girl out and it all goes so smooth and then you just Kiss them on the date. And you don't have to worry about what to talk about because you just flirt and talk about the **** you like and are interested in.

I also like this. However, I have to get to a first date before I even consider any of this.

 

 

 

 

Look you already know what to do. You actualy give pretty great spot on advice. How about just TRYING and shuting out that part of your brain that say "OH NO REJECTION" just ignore it and ask girls out then kiss them. Obviously you have to fill in the blanks like flirting and figuring out what to say do. but basicly you know what to do. What would you do if you had no fear. If you had unlimited tries and time... thats what you should do!

Thanks. It's not so much about fearing rejection (That's apart of it, but not everything) here; it's really the fact that I feel out of place and sorta...err, powerless when it comes to a conceivable scenario of approaching a woman. I can lay it out in my mind and feel good about it, but when placed in the situation, I can't react properly; I merely shut-down and change from semi-confident to clueless, and this really, really, really sucks.

 

My therapist had told me this was normal, since SA can interrupt rational thinking more times than not--but I'm not okay with it being apart of me. It makes me feel terrible to be behind kids in high school when it comes to flirting and things.

 

I know flirting and general approach are the golden rules, but I simply can't just do it easily as others. I'm more held-back than I want to be.

 

 

 

He could be really rational and seriously don't feel sorry for him he probably has it better then either of us

But....you, you have the hot girlfriend, unlike us:lmao: Edited October 27, 2010 by Cracker Jack

[Woggle]

This is simply being friendly. I talk to my male coworkers like that so it is no big deal. Flirting would be if she got a little too close to you or if she constantly paid you compliments.

[Green]

I agree.

 

Green, I've been agreeing with you on the "Not feeling sorry for myself" stance for the longest. Problem here is that I have SA (Social Anxiety) and it makes things much more difficult than you'd want them to be. I can't just up and change these things. I wish I could, but I can't. I'm way behind.

 

Good stuff. You're still ahead of me by a wide margin, tho. And wouldn't this also imply that my chances at 23 will be tougher?

 

I also like this. However, I have to get to a first date before I even consider any of this.

 

 

 

 

Thanks. It's not so much about fearing rejection (That's apart of it, but not everything) here; it's really the fact that I feel out of place and sorta...err, powerless when it comes to a conceivable scenario of approaching a woman. I can lay it out in my mind and feel good about it, but when placed in the situation, I can't react properly; I merely shut-down and change from semi-confident to clueless, and this really, really, really sucks.

 

My therapist had told me this was normal, since SA can interrupt rational thinking more times than not--but I'm not okay with it being apart of me. It makes me feel terrible to be behind kids in high school when it comes to flirting and things.

 

I know flirting and general approach are the golden rules, but I simply can't just do it easily as others. I'm more held-back than I want to be.

 

 

 

But....you, you have the hot girlfriend, unlike us:lmao:

 

Look you don't have SA... how old were you when you got diagnosed? By a therapist... of course a therapist diagnosed you with something thats what they do.

 

Also my entire point is that once you finaly do get a gf you will see that you are the same guy and that you were worth just as much before you had a gf as after you got a gf.

 

Don't jack off and don't look at porn. Let TRUE HORNYESS build for the real thing and use the errection in your pants and think with the little head instead of the big head. This **** isn't roket science and OVERTHINKING is your enemy. Just AcT do things. Talk to random pretty girls and tell them they make you feel good and you want to take them to dinner or what ever pops into your mind... don't use canned lines just make it up as you go.

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

My point is that him being 23 and Somedude being 29 means nothing. It actualy helps to get older.

 

Think quicksand. The longer you're there the harder it is to get out.

[Cracker Jack]

Look you don't have SA... how old were you when you got diagnosed? By a therapist... of course a therapist diagnosed you with something thats what they do.

 

I was 18. And I really do have SA. I'm not comfortable in social settings at all; it has nothing to do with just being around women, either. I even have trouble keeping casual convo going with a male stranger if it's in regards to something as simple as sports. Usually when I'm in a social setting, whether it's at the library, school, or whatever, the first thing that comes to my mind when people talk to me or stare at me constantly is to leave immediately.

 

So many things go through my mind (IE Did I say this word wrong? Does my voice sound girly? Are they laughing at me? Does she think I'm ugly? Etc) when I'm talking to someone to the point where it isn't even funny. The only time this rarely happens is if I'm talking to family or friends.

 

Yeah, if it was just a matter of not wanting to talk to women out of nowhere, it wouldn't really be SA; but trust me, my issues go deeper than simply approaching a woman.

 

Also my entire point is that once you finaly do get a gf you will see that you are the same guy and that you were worth just as much before you had a gf as after you got a gf.

I understand and appreciate your input, Green.

 

Don't jack off and don't look at porn. Let TRUE HORNYESS build for the real thing and use the errection in your pants and think with the little head instead of the big head. This **** isn't roket science and OVERTHINKING is your enemy. Just AcT do things. Talk to random pretty girls and tell them they make you feel good and you want to take them to dinner or what ever pops into your mind... don't use canned lines just make it up as you go.

Being overly horny is one of my problems:cool:

 

I'll have to try to do what you suggest someday, tho.

[denise_xo]

Really, please don't.

 

Today was another bummer.

 

Super cute, really friendly girl shows up to Salsa class a little late. She's talking with her friend and another guy. She makes eye contact with me and we say hi. It seems the three of them are deciding who is going to dance with who. She pushes her friend to the guy and says, "I found my partner!" and walks over to me with a big smile.

 

We exchange pleasantries.

 

"How was your weekend?"

"It was real fun, I went to a party."

"What kind of party?"

"A haloween party. My boyfriend and I dressed up."

 

F-ing bitch!

 

Of course I didn't say that to her but it's what I said in my head. I really thought that she was flirting with me the past couple weeks and that I may have had a chance. Thank God I didn't ask her out which I was probably going to do this week after I did a little more probing to find out if she was single. At least she saved me from doing the legwork.

 

Frankly though, the level of flirting she was doing, definitely felt like she was leading me on. It's extremely frustrating to think that the a girl might like me then to find out she was just being friendly.

 

I really wish girls would stop for a second and look at how guys would interpret her actions.

 

Right. So you encounter a friendly woman who's paying you a compliment and ISN'T leading you on as she's being up front about having a boy friend - and your reaction is to trash her on LS.

 

Good luck to you, because you're going to need it.

[LittleTiger]

and walks over to me with a big smile.

 

We exchange pleasantries.

 

"How was your weekend?"

"It was real fun, I went to a party."

"What kind of party?"

"A haloween party. My boyfriend and I dressed up."

 

F-ing bitch!

 

I think you need help!

 

You're really going to struggle through life if you imagine every woman who is friendly towards you is leading you on.

 

I'm a very friendly person - I smile at everyone and make friends with everyone, men and women. If somebody thinks I'm flirting or leading them on just because I'm a very open, friendly person then they have a problem - not me.

 

Friendly 'flirting' can be with either sex and it's very different from 'sexual flirting'. I strongly advise you to learn the difference and to somehow get rid of that very large 'chip on your shoulder'.

 

The girl you're talking about sounds lovely. To say she's a f-ing bitch just for being friendly is uncalled for. So she has a boyfriend? So what? How do you think she should behave? Should she ignore all other men just because she has a boyfriend? Should she dress in black from head to toe and only talk to women?

 

If and when you do get a girlfriend you're likely to lose her very fast with your current attitude. I can't even begin to imagine the jealousy you're going to experience every time she even smiles at another man.

 

Seriously, you need to get help. I seem to remember you mentioning you had a counsellor? Tell him/her about this incident, and any others like it. Your reaction to her friendliness is not healthy.

[Els]

Uh, what? Seems like a girl has to completely ignore you so as not to be misconstrued as 'flirting'. If her 'level of flirting' is equivalent to the conversation above, she isn't flirting. Geez.

[Tim The Enchanter]

I think the problem for the OP is that he is desperate. When these women "flirt" with him he gets his hopes up, only for them to be dashed when he finds that they're attached. What he should actually be thinking is "Hey, if these girls have boyfriends and yet they like me enough to flirt with me, that must mean there are girls without boyfriends who might like me enough to consider dating me".

[loverofloveandstuff]

I think you need help!

 

You're really going to struggle through life if you imagine every woman who is friendly towards you is leading you on.

 

I'm a very friendly person - I smile at everyone and make friends with everyone, men and women. If somebody thinks I'm flirting or leading them on just because I'm a very open, friendly person then they have a problem - not me.

 

Friendly 'flirting' can be with either sex and it's very different from 'sexual flirting'. I strongly advise you to learn the difference and to somehow get rid of that very large 'chip on your shoulder'.

 

The girl you're talking about sounds lovely. To say she's a f-ing bitch just for being friendly is uncalled for. So she has a boyfriend? So what? How do you think she should behave? Should she ignore all other men just because she has a boyfriend? Should she dress in black from head to toe and only talk to women?

 

If and when you do get a girlfriend you're likely to lose her very fast with your current attitude. I can't even begin to imagine the jealousy you're going to experience every time she even smiles at another man.

 

Seriously, you need to get help. I seem to remember you mentioning you had a counsellor? Tell him/her about this incident, and any others like it. Your reaction to her friendliness is not healthy.

 

Quoting for it's good value.

Listen to this OP!

[Leigh 87]

The OP ( Some dude) DOES have things he can work on, perhaps one thing would be to just try to embrance himself for who he is, and think alone the lines of " well hey, I like who I am and I am going go and do the things I enjoy" and if he is able to be himself, and if he initiates friendly small talk with enough people, he should be; 1. skilled enough at talking with people to dare to take things a little further once he feels a good connection, and 2. he will be able to not only improve his social skils, but to learn to be himself whilst he does it.

 

The OP does have a lot of hard work he needs to do in order for him to overcome his isolation from women, and from what else I gather from the little I have read by him, with people in general.

 

On the other hand, it does suck when you feel like " that unnattractive guy that cute girls are very nice to, so they either feel sorry for unnatractive guys and try ti overcompensate their bubbly- ness, or they feel safe being so friendly to unnatractive men due to the fact they would NEVER consider dating them.

 

Some on. Dont be so harsh on some dude - it WOULD suck to have trouble getting ANy girls interest, and then having the cute girls being so friendly, only to hear how they have boyfriends.

 

Really, I do get the feeling that SOME cute and attractive girls and women, unconciously act a little more chearful and bubbly towards the guys who they do not consider good enough to date. They would not act that way around hotter, or all around better - vibed men they WOULD consider dating, or having sex with.

 

I feel some people should try to have a little empathy towards somedudes situation......... he sucks at getting women, or even friends by the sounds of things, so it DOES feel like his predicament is rubbed in his face when cute girls with boyfriends act very nice to him.

 

Of course attractive girls should not ignore unnatractive men, but it still can be hard for guys like somedude. Hopefully one day he will embrace himself enogh to get more confidence, and a nice girl will sense that he is more happy within himself.

 

GOod luckSomedude - Listen to the harsh words some people have given you! It is good for you be told to just get on with it, and to simply work hard to overcome your issues that ar ehindering your social development.

[dispatch3d]

Meh simple rule, if a girl starts off overly flirty or hits on you directly the second you meet, she has a boyfriend. 90% of the time it works all the time...