Low interest vs slow and cautious start

[OceanGirl]

There seems to be conflicting advice about this.

 

I can never tell if it's normal for a guy not to be sure and to be on the fence for say the first month of dating. My mum, dad and some real life friends say that it is impossible for a guy to really strongly like you from the start. That he needs to get to know you first and feelings grow in time. I can see a logic in this but my own instincts tell me otherwise.

 

It doesn't help that I have observed male friends and my brother take this approach with the girls they don't like that much. Then, with girls they are blown away with, they are pretty much crazy about them from day 1. Sure, it's not love in the early stages but it IS strong interest.

 

I have also observed solid relationships develop from dating slowly and cautiously and from people developing attachment to each other due to consistent exposure. These people were kind of on the fence about each other in the initial stages of dating. I can't help but think that they are settling on some level (but I don't want this to be a discussion about settling).

 

I don't think I could be happy dating a guy who is "not sure" about me but then grows to love me in time. I WANT the strong interest from the start, the kind of interest that would inspire someone to make a LS thread. I can't tell if I am being unreasonable in wanting this.

 

Thoughts?

[Surrealist]

I think you have good valid points and it is hard to distinguish because a guy may have strong feelings at the outset but it doesn't necessarily carry over to a viable, healthy, long-term relationship. The qualities of a long-term relationship does take time to develop. You cannot get to know someone in the very early stages of courting and dating. It is those non-visual qualities of a person, those compatibilities or lack of, that you will either grow to love or despise (or tolerate) that will determine the viability of a relationship, and getting to know these takes time.

[Tim The Enchanter]

I'm the same - pretty much every relationship I've had has been passionate from the start. I don't think you're being unreasonable, it's just the kind of person you are. I'm probably like you in that I need reassurance early on in a relationship that there is mutual attraction. However, I'm having to get used to the idea that not everyone is like this. Some people just like to take it slowly, whether that is borne from experience or simply how they've always done things.

 

I have no idea whether one approach is better than the other, although I do know that I've had lots of failed relationships!

[OceanGirl]

I'm the same - pretty much every relationship I've had has been passionate from the start. I don't think you're being unreasonable, it's just the kind of person you are. I'm probably like you in that I need reassurance early on in a relationship that there is mutual attraction. However, I'm having to get used to the idea that not everyone is like this. Some people just like to take it slowly, whether that is borne from experience or simply how they've always done things.

 

I have no idea whether one approach is better than the other, although I do know that I've had lots of failed relationships!

 

I am starting to think that people who genuinely take it slow with everyone are just not compatible with me and will cause me a lot of frustration down the line.

[Tim The Enchanter]

I am starting to think that people who genuinely take it slow with everyone are just not compatible with me and will cause me a lot of frustration down the line.

 

I know what you mean. I'm the kind of person who thrives on closeness in a relationship. I like being able to chat for hours on the phone, or in bed, or wherever. I like it when the passion just goes "bang" and you become totally wrapped up in the other person.

 

I dated a "take it slow" person a year ago, and I stopped after three dates because I met someone who liked to jump into things like myself. Mind you, that relationship lasted all of three months!

 

I'm dating another "take it slow" girl right now, as it happens, and it's been driving me nuts! But because I've had such bad luck with all these fast moving relationships, I want to be patient this time and see what happens.

[John018]

 

It doesn't help that I have observed male friends and my brother take this approach with the girls they don't like that much. Then, with girls they are blown away with, they are pretty much crazy about them from day 1. Sure, it's not love in the early stages but it IS strong interest.

 

 

This is pretty much true with me. Whenever I don't have strong interest in a girl when we first start seeing each other it has never developed into anything more. However when I do have a very high interest level that's when I f*** things up for myself. Go figure.

 

I don't think I could be happy dating a guy who is "not sure" about me but then grows to love me in time. I WANT the strong interest from the start, the kind of interest that would inspire someone to make a LS thread. I can't tell if I am being unreasonable in wanting this.

 

Thoughts?

 

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect strong interest from the start - but it is unrealistic.

[phineas]

I was divorced just last month.

I'd been seeing a few women about a month before that, two months total.

It got annoying trying to juggle 2 women & my kids.

 

I picked the one i'd become friends with during my seperation & decided to see where it goes.

She wants to take it slow.

She wants a long term relationship with co-habitation & possibly another kid.

 

That doesn't scare me all that much any more however it won't happen any time soon.

 

We are not having sex but we have talked about it. We've determined that both of us are willing to take care of business in the bedroom which is good.

 

She hasn't told me directly, but she doesn't want to be a rebound.

She also doesn't want to start anything with someone who is just looking for a fling.

 

so i'm going to give her some time before I LAUNCH. LOL!

 

Only because a lot of the women I meet at my age are party girls just looking for instant husband & the position of stay at home mom.

 

And i really don't care to support another woman.

[youngskywalker]

This is actually a really good thread. My understanding has been enlightened to the fact that "fast or slow" is a matter of compatibility. That helps me a lot with the new relationship that I just entered. I've realized how to talk to my date about how things should progress in the future and what to expect.

[somedude81]

There seems to be conflicting advice about this.

 

I can never tell if it's normal for a guy not to be sure and to be on the fence for say the first month of dating. My mum, dad and some real life friends say that it is impossible for a guy to really strongly like you from the start. That he needs to get to know you first and feelings grow in time. I can see a logic in this but my own instincts tell me otherwise.

 

It doesn't help that I have observed male friends and my brother take this approach with the girls they don't like that much. Then, with girls they are blown away with, they are pretty much crazy about them from day 1. Sure, it's not love in the early stages but it IS strong interest.

It's not really strong interest. More like they want to quickly have sex and are really horny.

 

I agree with your parents and friends, a guy is not going to like a girl right away, in wanting a relationship sort of way.

 

I have also observed solid relationships develop from dating slowly and cautiously and from people developing attachment to each other due to consistent exposure. These people were kind of on the fence about each other in the initial stages of dating.

On the fence about each other, what gives you that idea? Because the guy wasn't jumping on her like a horny dog, he didn't like her? Some people can show restraint.

 

I don't think I could be happy dating a guy who is "not sure" about me but then grows to love me in time. I WANT the strong interest from the start

So then you want guys who are going to try and sleep with you the first day they meet you or they'd try on the first date. Odds are the really high interest at first guys are not in it for the long haul.

 

They're there for a flash of passion and they fizzle out looking for the next thing.

[EasyHeart]

I think it depends on the maturity level of the people involved.

 

Immature people tend to confuse infatuation with love, so they look for that instant attraction and "chemistry". But of course you can't "know" someone until you've spent a lot of time together, so usually the attraction is 98% superficial. Sometimes that can turn into a relationship, usually it doesn't. But if it does, it's generally a function of luck, not some magical love at first sight. I usually call this "teenage love", because it's the kind of thing we all go through at that age. (And why 'Romeo & Juliet' has been popular for 400 year -- we can all relate to obsessive teenage infatuation).

 

As you mature, you realize that emotional intimacy is far more important than instant attraction or chemistry. So mature people tend to go more slowly and get to know someone on the inside before they make a commitment; falling in love is a slow process based on realizing they have shared values and compatible lifestyles. (Physical attraction is a given, because you wouldn't waste either of your time by dating someone you aren't physically attracted to). As you grow up, you realize that relationships that heat up quickly also cool off quickly, and those that develop slowly tend to last.

 

You can see this in the attitude people have to relationships: when you're young, you think dating someone for 3-6 months is a "relationship". As you grow up, you realize that you can date pretty much anyone who isn't totally repulsive for 3-6 months.

 

Maturity isn't necessarily a function of age; I know many immature 40 year olds! And of course, people who are at different levels of maturity are NOT compatible.

Edited October 23, 2010 by EasyHeart

[carhill]

I don't think I could be happy dating a guy who is "not sure" about me but then grows to love me in time. I WANT the strong interest from the start, the kind of interest that would inspire someone to make a LS thread. I can't tell if I am being unreasonable in wanting this.

 

Thoughts?

IME, this perspective can apply equally well to both genders. I'd say, if it's your preference, and what inspires you to value such a man and desire to progress a relationship with him, then own that.

 

What I've learned to delineate over the years is the difference between a woman wanting to share herself and her 'stuff' with me and a genuine one who wants a balance between that and proactive interest in me as a person. Often, and women may or may not realize this, it's very subtle to a person who already has and is showing proactive interest. I watch for those signs and, if absent, cut them off.

 

It's kinda like the 'I know you value me as *your* friend, but you're not *my* friend' way I cut 'friends' off.

 

Slow and cautious? Unless they have extraordinarily good rep and I see unanimity of positive signs otherwise, next. Compatible people, for myself, are confident, clear about their boundaries and willing to invest.

[Tim The Enchanter]

I think it depends on the maturity level of the people involved.

 

Immature people tend to confuse infatuation with love, so they look for that instant attraction and "chemistry". But of course you can't "know" someone until you've spent a lot of time together, so usually the attraction is 98% superficial. Sometimes that can turn into a relationship, usually it doesn't. But if it does, it's generally a function of luck, not some magical love at first sight. I usually call this "teenage love", because it's the kind of thing we all go through at that age. (And why 'Romeo & Juliet' has been popular for 400 year -- we can all relate to obsessive teenage infatuation).

 

As you mature, you realize that emotional intimacy is far more important than instant attraction or chemistry. So mature people tend to go more slowly and get to know someone on the inside before they make a commitment; falling in love is a slow process based on realizing they have shared values and compatible lifestyles. (Physical attraction is a given, because you wouldn't waste either of your time by dating someone you aren't physically attracted to). As you grow up, you realize that relationships that heat up quickly also cool off quickly, and those that develop slowly tend to last.

 

You can see this in the attitude people have to relationships: when you're young, you think dating someone for 3-6 months is a "relationship". As you grow up, you realize that you can date pretty much anyone who isn't totally repulsive for 3-6 months.

 

Maturity isn't necessarily a function of age; I know many immature 40 year olds! And of course, people who are at different levels of maturity are NOT compatible.

 

That's a really insightful comment.

[Ariadne]

I can never tell if it's normal for a guy not to be sure and to be on the fence for say the first month of dating...I don't think I could be happy dating a guy who is "not sure"

 

Is not so much about his being sure or not, about your wanting him to be more sure, or your having sex earlier and bonding and being more natural.

 

I told you what happened.

 

You ditched me after I sort of got you together, he bailed and got a Spanish girl for serious girlfriend in case you were not sure.

 

This is how things work.

[OceanGirl]

Is not so much about his being sure or not, about your wanting him to be more sure, or your having sex earlier and bonding and being more natural.

 

I told you what happened.

 

You ditched me after I sort of got you together, he bailed and got a Spanish girl for serious girlfriend in case you were not sure.

 

This is how things work.

 

Ariadne, we already were together before you intervened. You intervention was beginning of the end - you really ruined things for me in a big way. What you have done still remains one of the most horrific ways anyone has ever betrayed me.

 

This thread is not about him though - I have now moved on. His gf is not Spanish either.

[Surrealist]

I think it depends on the maturity level of the people involved.

 

Immature people tend to confuse infatuation with love, so they look for that instant attraction and "chemistry". But of course you can't "know" someone until you've spent a lot of time together, so usually the attraction is 98% superficial. Sometimes that can turn into a relationship, usually it doesn't. But if it does, it's generally a function of luck, not some magical love at first sight. I usually call this "teenage love", because it's the kind of thing we all go through at that age. (And why 'Romeo & Juliet' has been popular for 400 year -- we can all relate to obsessive teenage infatuation).

 

As you mature, you realize that emotional intimacy is far more important than instant attraction or chemistry. So mature people tend to go more slowly and get to know someone on the inside before they make a commitment; falling in love is a slow process based on realizing they have shared values and compatible lifestyles. (Physical attraction is a given, because you wouldn't waste either of your time by dating someone you aren't physically attracted to). As you grow up, you realize that relationships that heat up quickly also cool off quickly, and those that develop slowly tend to last.

 

You can see this in the attitude people have to relationships: when you're young, you think dating someone for 3-6 months is a "relationship". As you grow up, you realize that you can date pretty much anyone who isn't totally repulsive for 3-6 months.

 

Maturity isn't necessarily a function of age; I know many immature 40 year olds! And of course, people who are at different levels of maturity are NOT compatible.

 

Excellent comments and well said.

[Ariadne]

Ariadne, we already were together before you intervened. You intervention was beginning of the end - you really ruined things for me in a big way. What you have done still remains one of the most horrific ways anyone has ever betrayed me.

 

This thread is not about him though - I have now moved on. His gf is not Spanish either.

 

I never betrayed you for crap.

 

That is also your misperception.

[OceanGirl]

I never betrayed you for crap.

 

That is also your misperception.

 

 

Misperception? Seriously? This coming from someone who drove a day to use binoculars to look through the window of a guy who refused to have anything to do with you. Your perception is very clear indeed.

[Ariadne]

Misperception? Seriously? This coming from someone who drove a day to use binoculars to look through the window of a guy who refused to have anything to do with you. Your perception is very clear indeed.

 

Aww...there is some emotion there.

 

I get that you may be upset at me because I sort of put you in a silver platter for the guy and made you vulnerable, part of your heart break of now.

 

But I love you and will love you always.

[LiveWell]

I WANT the strong interest from the start, the kind of interest that would inspire someone to make a LS thread. I can't tell if I am being unreasonable in wanting this.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

If you want strong interest, you need to be strongly interesting.

 

Are you?

[OceanGirl]

I WANT the strong interest from the start, the kind of interest that would inspire someone to make a LS thread. I can't tell if I am being unreasonable in wanting this.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

If you want strong interest, you need to be strongly interesting.

 

Are you?

 

Probably not

[Ariadne]

If you want strong interest, you need to be strongly interesting.

 

Are you?

 

It depends for whom.

 

For me she is the most interesting person to talk to.

[OceanGirl]

Sigh.

 

I have been having this discussion with my mum for YEARS. I just can't get her to understand what I mean and we always end up arguing. I am very close to my mum and it is important to me that she understands where I am coming from.

 

Me: I just don't want to date a guy who is meh about me at the start

Mum: OG, NOBODY can love you until some times passes. They have to get to know you first.

Me: I know, of course they can't love me at date 1 but I want a guy that really likes me and is excited about dating me

Mum: Nobody can really like you at the start

Me: There is a difference between a guy that is dating me because he is bored and is hoping for some easy sex and a guy that is dating me because he feels there is potential for a long term relationship

Mum: Nobody can see a potential for a LTR at the start

 

And so it goes. Does anyone get what I mean? Am I really expecting the impossible?

[Mme. Chaucer]

If a guy is interested enough to ask you out, that's interested enough. Then you get to know one another through dating. All bets are off for a while. Maybe you don't like each other too much. Maybe one of you is way more interested than the other. Maybe there is a huge physical attraction but nothing further.

 

If a guy is "hoping for some easy sex" and you are not, it's simple. Don't have the easy sex. Wait and see how things are between you. If you do, though, NO FAIR whining that the guy is "using you" for sex. From his perspective, it could well be a completely equitable two way street.

 

Honestly, OG, if a new guy was as "into me" as you seem to require, I would have serious doubts about the condition of his life. For me, anyway, a person's interests, friendships, and passions are a great part of what makes them interesting.

[OceanGirl]

MC, you have no idea how many guys I have stopped dating before 1 month was up because I didn't feel like they were that interested in me.

[BlueRidgeMTs]

I know what you mean. I'm the kind of person who thrives on closeness in a relationship.

I dated a "take it slow" person a year ago, and I stopped after three dates because I met someone who liked to jump into things like myself.

 

Three dates? So you thought things were not moving fast enough for you in just THREE dates?? Goodness..what did you want...to be asked for marraige? LOL

 

I like red hot chemistry too. But i have to say, the BEST..BEST relationship i EVER had, I didn't even like the guy at first. I thought he was cute, but but found him to be an arrogant a$$. He asked me out like 3 times. I was a little cautious about him at first myself, and then fell head over heels for him. It was the best relationship I had, and we were together for 2 years. But my insecurity messed things up in the long run.

 

So, you just never know.