From talking a lot to no talking

[Teknoe]

I was good friends with this girl. She was going through struggles getting over her ex. We talked for hours every day. We hung out and talked on her sofa for five hours at one point. She seemed to really like me as a friend. I liked her as more and sensed that maybe she might have seen me as more than a friend as well. So I told her my feelings.

 

7 days following, we talked online as normal. Then she suddenly stopped showing up on my buddy list.

 

She did respond to my email, and apologized for not being online much lately, because it brings her productivity down to zero. I know for a girl who used to be online nearly 24/7 to suddenly never appear online only means one thing, she's on invisible (to me at least). And I know she can't be THAT busy -- she is not working full or even part time right now.

 

So yeah, we were once very good friends. Talked endlessly. Hung out and connected in person. A week after my confession, she completely "bailed out on me." Right now it's almost 2 weeks since my last contact with her (an email, which she still has yet to reply to).... honestly I think it's BS. Kind of immature too. I know it sucks and it's "just how the world works" but damn, if she suddenly got scared of leading me on through continuing our friendship, I would appreciate if she told me directly (even though I know I am *NOT* entitled to that). It would be nice if she did. I know in her shoes I would be direct.

 

I mean, we were chatting til 3 in the morning almost every night for over 2 months. You can't tell me there was NOTHING there. And we chatted with very little moments of silence. It was back and forth all the time. I thought our friendship was strong enough when I confessed and she stated "I'm in no state to date right now"... but I guess not.

 

BTW, she never flat out said NO sorry I only see you as a friend. On the other hand, she didn't really indicate a chance in the future outside "What were you afraid of -- ETERNAL rejection?" That sounded like maybe when she's in a better state down the road, we could re-open this "case." She also said "we're in the early stages of our friendship."

 

So yeah, she never said "Sorry, only see you as a friend." Which hurts more... if she said that, at least I could 200% move on. Right now I'd say I'm around 90%.... and I know I can't control how she behaves, but a little direct honesty would have been appreciated, especially when I know she's been logging online every day and hasn't gotten back to me.

 

I'm moving on, just venting here. My female friend told me, she'll bet anything in the world that this girl will come back to me as a friend and act like nothing ever happened -- when she's down and time has moved on and if I continue to keep my distance and not contact her.

 

She told me over lunch the other day "Bet you anything she will come crawling back looking for your shoulder to cry on... and act like the confession never happened... if you keep up no contact. Just watch, another month or two... I know how us chicks are wired... and at that point it just depends if you can handle her friendship. I think you can be honest and tell her you understand why she needed time off -- probably in the best interest of her and you as well, but you can also tell her you felt dejected and hurt when she gave you the silent treatment without so much a direct respectful explanation."

 

So, my plan now is to not contact her until she does. My last email to her has gone unreplied 10 days now, and if she never replies, I'll know it's over. If she EVER replies, I'll go from there.

 

Any other tips or words of encouragement? Like I said, I'm mostly over it, but just venting/sharing here. I'm the kind of guy who moves on fast once I'm rejected, but this rejection has been non-direct and kind of vague. I know she valued me as a good friend at least, to just throw that away seems kind of hasty and immature, even. It's not like we're 19 either. I would understand at that young age. But we're in our mid-late 20s.

[Teknoe]

Ironically, she replied to my last email earlier tonight. It was lengthy and she updated me on her life, and she ended it by asking for updates in my life. I don't know... I feel weird. On one hand, I definitely do want to be friends still. On the other, it was 10 days without contact... in a way that felt kinda "nice" in the sense that, hey, maybe it's over. After all, friendships take work, right? That's one more load off my back.

 

When I saw her email in my mailbox, I was even hesitant to open it, lol. I messed around with other things for maybe 15 minutes, then I finally opened it. It was long like I said, and she asked questions to me that requires me to reply -- continuing the email tag.

 

I guess overall I'm happy, though part of me is naturally like "Oh... just when I was getting used to NC and having her out of my life..."

 

I just got to guard my heart and not allow myself to be used or get my hopes up. I have to be strong and wise about checking myself before I wreck myself (again). Odds are she just doesn't like me THAT way. But as a buddy buddy -- yeah, she's cool with me being that and JUST that. I hate to assume for people, but odds are that's exactly how she sees me now, and forever.

 

I'll reply to her email tomorrow.

[Jannah]

I think she bailed because she trusted you and confided in you as a friend and then you switched gears from entrusted friend - to telling her that you have romantic feelings towards her. When she learned of this, she didn't think it was best for either of you to continue the friendship.

 

Having been in similar shoes, I was verbally forthright, and that I wasn't interested romantically. We never hung out, but we did manage to become friends at one point. Things soured, after I sensed that he was trying to escalate the friendship into a different direction....When I reasserted my boundaries, he became very nasty towards me, and that's when the friendship ended. His ensuing behavior towards me was highly inappropriate, so I wished him well and asked him to please not contact me again.

 

That's the short of it, and I could have handled things better myself, but case in point - there are times when men and women cannot be friends and its best to just keep a safe distance.

 

Chalk it up to experience, and for your own peace of mind (and this goes for anyone), refrain from befriending people you are interested in romantically of whom are in a vulnerable position and emotionally unavailable (i.e. someone going through struggles getting over thier ex).

 

Once someone makes his/her feelings known that you are interested in them romantically, they will either welcome it or reject it. If they reject it, then it's on you to set boundaries for yourself.

[fiat500]

Wow. She does not know how to handle saying she's only interested in you as a friend? What's so hard about it? I've done it to plenty of guy friends. I don't jerk them around and make them wait. I tell them where I stand.

 

Actually what's funny is I was hanging out and talking a lot with a guy in the beginning of the year when I was still hung up about my ex and he told me he had feelings for me. I told him right away that I wasn't interested and to not get his hopes up because it wouldn't be fair to him. But I was in denial and we ended up dating over the summer and it was great. But when he went away to college recently he became distant! Life isn't fair indeed. I actually don't know what to do in my situation but I can tell you that you shouldn't be so quick to respond to her email. Maybe even let it sit for a few days like she did to yours. She wants to make it clear that you're just a friend so the best thing for you to do is be realistic and focus on finding someone who will really appreciate you.

[Teknoe]

I can tell you that you shouldn't be so quick to respond to her email. Maybe even let it sit for a few days like she did to yours. She wants to make it clear that you're just a friend so the best thing for you to do is be realistic and focus on finding someone who will really appreciate you.

 

 

Agreed. I woke up this morning feeling this way -- to let her email sit for a few days as well. I'll do that. Thanks. I guess the most frustrating thing is not knowing how she feels about me.... is she trying to avoid the issue because since the confession, we haven't really talked about it again. I do want to know how she feels about me romantically, but asking at this point seems futile and I was told by some girl friends that if a girl is interested romantically, even if she's not ready for a relationship per se, it will be pretty obvious. Once you tell a girl you like her, if she has ANY feelings romantically AT ALL for you, you'll know.

 

And for me, I don't know, so I guess, in that regard, I *DO* know (that she doesn't like me that way). Does that make sense?