Dating for the INTJ man?

[just_some_guy]

I am an INTJ. Highly intelligent, highly introverted. Enamored of intellectual pursuits and deep conversation. Highly faithful in relationships. Tend to establish few, but very meaningful friends and relationships. I usually present an emotionless and stoic demeanor, but have very powerful and deep emotions on the inside. While I'm very worldly, make good conversation, dress nicely, have good manners and know which fork to use, I can be a downright dork in intimate relationships. INTJ's can be almost Asperger's Syndrome-like in intimate situations and I am no exception. But I learn, when given time and encouragement, to be a good lover with my mate. INTJ's like me, also tend to be direct, blunt in conversations, not always an endearing trait.

 

Not being the extraverted, life of the party, go-go-go man, has certain obvious disadvantages in the dating world. I become practically invisible in night clubs and large crowds of people. Not given to one-night-stands or the standard sex on the third-date class rules.

 

Thoughts, especially from the ladies, on how a fellow like me can re-enter the dating world successfully?

[Ruby Slippers]

Ongoing education/night/for-fun classes could be great for you. I am also an intellectual introvert, and very creative, so I love learning and taking classes like drawing and painting, music, sculpture, pottery, photography, and so on. These kinds of classes are usually 90% females, and if you are at least slightly cute and interesting, you can easily get to know some of the women in these classes. It will give you the chance to show your personality gradually and organically, and make a strong impression with how stable, smart, and interesting you are. And it provides easy ideas for mellow first dates related to the subject -- art/photography exhibit, jazz club or music show, lunch in a sculpture garden, and so on. I would LOVE to meet a guy like you in a class like this!

 

Another option is book discussion groups. This gives you the opportunity to reveal your personality through organic discussion, and converse naturally before and after book time.

 

Good luck!

[Cee]

My best friend is an INTJ. I know exactly what you are talking about. He hasn't a lot of girlfriends, but he has had relationships with the most beautiful and most intelligent women. Currently, he's dating a woman who is smart and looks like a supermodel. He knows that he probably gets stares in public and people are thinking, "What does she see in him?".

 

What makes him successful is he's very confident and completely self sufficient. He believes in pursuing women, which means he spends enough time with her until she falls for him. He's so intelligent and well traveled that eventually women see his charms. He basically wears them down. I know that sounds bad, but he'd be the first to admit it.

 

He would never think to do PUA stuff b/c he is such an amazing person that all he has to do is get the attention of a woman long enough to make her fall for him. He isn't always successful, but when he likes someone, he tries hard to spend time with her. Sometimes it doesn't work. But it works more often than you'd expect.

[LondonS]

I have recently been out on a date with a guy similar to that of how you described yourself.

He didnt make enough eye contact, I offered him to take a little walk with me so to make him feel comfortable but he was walking ahead of me instead of walking with me.. He wasnt funny and wasnt even remotly interesting in person.

He has been single for a long time apprently and looks wise he was alright..

I texted him stating the same that he looks good and sounds genuine but he is way too shy...which he read as I was rejecting him.. I seriusly was trying to help him because at the rate he is going, I doubt he,ll ever find someone..

you can be urself on the date and show ur interest to ur date.. thats perhaps a good start...

[just_some_guy]

Thanks for the perspective. I joined an online social organization - NOT a dating service, but a meeting group for different interests. Some of the groups are for singles, others just for people with common interests (motorcycling, hiking, software development, real estate investing, hiking, coffee, etc). Seems like it may be fun to socialize with others of similar interests.

[Cee]

Thanks for the perspective. I joined an online social organization - NOT a dating service, but a meeting group for different interests. Some of the groups are for singles, others just for people with common interests (motorcycling, hiking, software development, real estate investing, hiking, coffee, etc). Seems like it may be fun to socialize with others of similar interests.

 

I think that's a great idea. I'm part of two meet up groups: one for dance music and another mixes politics and socializing. It's really fun and I've meet at least 20 new people that way.

[Knittress]

Ever been to personality cafe? They have MBTI groups.

 

Oh, and my two cents? 'Studies' suggest that Ns like other Ns, whatever else you're looking for kinda depends on how INTJ-y you are (though NTs often stick with other NTs, it seems). Figure out what you're into, and then go hang around there. Maybe find a nice INFP at a dream-analysis workshop?

Edited September 14, 2010 by Knittress

[just_some_guy]

Indeed good suggestions. Of course, for me the difficult part is if I find someone that I get on with and then it becomes intimate. That's where my dorky, A.S. manifests. I have a difficult time reading emotions and body language in intimate situations. I may even indeed be an aspie to some extent. I certainly test strongly in that direction an any number of online tests. I would prefer not to get officially diagnosed and have to carry a label the rest of my life. It seems like a difficult line between being an introverted, talented science and engineering type and actually having some disorder. My life-success is very good, relationships not so good. Just something to overcome as much as I can and/or seek a sympathetic partner.

[welikeincrowds]

This may be tangential, but I never felt too comfortable with these personality tests.

 

"No one likes to think they're a type." But no one is a definition. We live in the present and therefore, to borrow a truism, our only constant is change. And Myers-Briggs is too close to pop-psych to be worthy of full attention.

 

There are plenty of stoic characters in fiction and history that have stood as role models for the ideal man. Don't you watch Mad Men? Don Draper is an introvert, and incidentally he is falling apart, and yet the entirety of the cable-watching western world continues to adore him, and to excuse him for all his flaws. I realize that it's just fiction, but so is your personality test. Stop worrying about what women will think of you and tell them how they should instead. Put in the effort to let the world know that you are Howard Roark, and it will bend to your will.

Edited September 14, 2010 by welikeincrowds

[meerkat stew]

Don't navigate your social life with Myers Briggs tests. Work on your physicality and seduction skills, don't just accept that you are an introvert, that's a ridiculous descriptor with very shaky underlying science. Most introverts are so because they -choose- it. Choose otherwise and step outside your comfort zone. You won't melt away or piss your pants, I promise.

[Knittress]

Don't navigate your social life with Myers Briggs tests. Work on your physicality and seduction skills, don't just accept that you are an introvert, that's a ridiculous descriptor with very shaky underlying science. Most introverts are so because they -choose- it. Choose otherwise and step outside your comfort zone. You won't melt away or piss your pants, I promise.

 

I disagree that people CHOOSE to be introverts. My introversion exasperates me because although I'm quite the people-person I also get overwhelmed easily - it's definitely not something I chose to be. But otherwise I agree with you, deciding that your weaknesses are a fixed limitation is a total cop out.

 

Meyers Briggs doesn't work as science, but it's a pretty useful shorthand when discussing personality archetypes...

[MrNate]

haha. I'm just like you except the extroverted version.

 

The funny part is, I wasn't always extroverted. I just worked on it reallly hard, and now it's a part of me. You sound like a stand up guy. no homo.

[EasyHeart]

I think some of you are confusing introversion with shyness or social awkwardness. They are related at all.

[just_some_guy]

I think some of you are confusing introversion with shyness or social awkwardness. They are related at all.

 

Exactly - they are not the same thing at all.

 

I'm not shy really. Extraverts get charged up by being around people. Intraverts get tired out being around people and need alone time to get recharged.

 

The other part of it for me is the N for intuition. I do indeed, take in the world by intuition, by seeing patterns, reading between the lines. The polar opposite of that is the Sensor, who takes in the world directly by the five senses.

 

It is the IN together, an intraverted intuitive that make me what I am, that geek like quality. I live in my head, constantly processing, seeing patterns and possibilities. I need to think a bit before I speak or my words come out wrong. Strong in the sciences, logic, math, planning, behind-the-scenes leadership. Weak in the touchy-feely, not so "in-the-now" kind of person.

 

While I agree the MBTI is not a sentence, in my case, when I read it, I totally identified with it. It is indeed, very much in line with me. Now that I've specifically been around some INTJ's, I finally don't feel like such a martian on earth.

[meerkat stew]

Not being the extraverted, life of the party, go-go-go man, has certain obvious disadvantages in the dating world. I become practically invisible in night clubs and large crowds of people. Not given to one-night-stands or the standard sex on the third-date class rules.

 

I'm an extrovert who needs downtime and is not always up to be in a crowd, the labels are bogus and designed to sell diagnostic and psychotherapy services to employers and to titillate the masses, nothing more. Let me ask you this, in a crowd of cool people you like doing things you like to do, listening to the music you like, does your energy level and desire to keep going change? I'll wager it does. It's no more dispositive of who you may become or what you choose in life than your zodiac sign. Behaviorally strict personality theory is being more and more debunked every year. Jung is fun and dispositive of personality -foundations- in some ways, but not strictly. Where you choose to go from the foundation is what really makes you into a self-actualized human being.

 

Some more food for thought, I have taken MB type tests literally dozens of times in my life, the results are often informed by my mood that day, and it's just as easy for me to type as an ENTJ as an ISTP.

 

Restating, the fact that you post that you "are an INTJ" says something of your mindset. You are what you -choose- to be, and that is shaped by the extent to which you choose to step outside your comfort zone and preconceived notions. The more you step outside your comfort zone in life, the more the reality of your choice will become apparent.

 

MB/MMultiphasic tests are merely a starting point for choices for mature adults who have even started the process of mastering their lives. Lesser people say "oh well, this is what I was dealt."

[EasyHeart]

I'm an extrovert who needs downtime and is not always up to be in a crowd, the labels are bogus and designed to sell diagnostic and psychotherapy services to employers and to titillate the masses, nothing more. Let me ask you this, in a crowd of cool people you like doing things you like to do, listening to the music you like, does your energy level and desire to keep going change? I'll wager it does. It's no more dispositive of who you may become or what you choose in life than your zodiac sign. Behaviorally strict personality theory is being more and more debunked every year. Jung is fun and dispositive of personality -foundations- in some ways, but not strictly. Where you choose to go from the foundation is what really makes you into a self-actualized human being.

 

Some more food for thought, I have taken MB type tests literally dozens of times in my life, the results are often informed by my mood that day, and it's just as easy for me to type as an ENTJ as an ISTP.

 

Restating, the fact that you post that you "are an INTJ" says something of your mindset. You are what you -choose- to be, and that is shaped by the extent to which you choose to step outside your comfort zone and preconceived notions. The more you step outside your comfort zone in life, the more the reality of your choice will become apparent.

 

MB/MMultiphasic tests are merely a starting point for choices for mature adults who have even started the process of mastering their lives. Lesser people say "oh well, this is what I was dealt."

 

I don't think you understand the purpose of personality typing. It never was or is intended as any kind of fatalistic determinate of each person's destiny. The purpose of personality typing is to provide people with an understanding of what they have to work with, so that they can build on their strengths and shore up their weaknesses. It seems to me that's exactly what the OP is trying to do. He isn't saying "I'm an INTJ, so women won't like me and I'll never get a date". He's asking for advice (from women) as to how he can compensate for having an atypical way of perceiving and interacting with the world. (BTW: You would lose your wager, at least with respect to me. And it shows that you haven't bothered to try to understand the "bogus" labels you claim to "debunk".)

 

The notion that "You are what you -choose- to be" may be a great platitude from a pop psychology standpoint, but it's ridiculous in the real world. Otherwise I would "choose" to be Brad Pitt. Or maybe Adrian Peterson. But I can "choose" all I want, but it's not going to help me in life. The OP can't "choose" to be an extrovert or "choose" to have a sensory perception of the world. What he can do is understand who is he and try to adapt to a world in which most people think in a very different way from him. And it sounds like that's exactly what he's trying to do.

 

It seems to me that the OP is asking a very legitimate question and is approaching his situation from a healthy and positive perspective. Being dismissive and condescending isn't helpful. We all have to play the hand that we're dealt, but we can choose to play it wisely or foolishly. It would be very comforting if we could close our eyes and "choose" the cards we get or whine and complain that we want a new deal, but some of us "choose" to deal with reality instead.

[Els]

Bf is INTJ, while I'm INFP. The most difficult part to work with for me, IMO, is the J part.

[Crazy Magnet]

EasyHart is right. Personality types are a way to identify strengths and weaknesses to show people what areas to work on. No one should remain completely static on any trait.

 

Meerkat: If you are consistently getting different answers then you probably aren't taking the test correctly. Your mood of the day shouldn't be what you are basing your answers on but your overall life patterns.

 

I have always come out as an INFP, no matter what age I took the test. My I is pretty strong though my social skills when out in public are fine. It's something I had to work on though. I absolutely have to have alone time to recharge. I get worn out quickly in large crowds, even if they are doing something I really enjoy. I always prefer people watching to interactions anyway.

[meerkat stew]

I don't think you understand the purpose of personality typing.

 

Yeah I do, and nothing I ever said or implied suggests that they are "fatalistic determinates" of anything. OP's couching the OP in the way he does suggests that he gives them more sway than is wise IMO where dating is concerned. My whole point is that in dating and attraction, starting out with some preconceived notions of limitations is not a good idea.

 

The notion that "You are what you -choose- to be" may be a great platitude from a pop psychology standpoint, but it's ridiculous in the real world.

 

And Myers Briggs tests aren't pop psychology?

 

Actually the notion, "You are what you choose," goes quite a bit deeper than a platitude unless you consider most of the world religions and the philosophy of Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, Husserl, Heidegger, Sartre, and a whole host of others going back thousands of years as based in platitudes. Every smart person in world history has not been a behaviorist leaning psychologist, in fact based on predictive and treatment success rates, I will wager that most behavioral psychologists aren't very smart at all.

 

Otherwise I would "choose" to be Brad Pitt.

 

You couldn't have possibly interpreted what I posted as anything like the above.

 

Being dismissive and condescending isn't helpful. We all have to play the hand that we're dealt, but we can choose to play it wisely or foolishly. It would be very comforting if we could close our eyes and "choose" the cards we get or whine and complain that we want a new deal, but some of us "choose" to deal with reality instead.

 

Is it about my dismissive and condescending attitude directed at OP? (which is nonexistent) or about my dismissive and condescending attitude about the tests themselves? I get that you have some axe to grind with respect to the tests, but please spare me that by dismissing the tests, I have somehow done OP a disservice. He is presumably capable of weighing our various opinions on his own.

[meerkat stew]

Meerkat: If you are consistently getting different answers then you probably aren't taking the test correctly. Your mood of the day shouldn't be what you are basing your answers on but your overall life patterns.

 

OK was being flip about my daily moods, just trying to get the point across that the tests are crap in evaluating people above a certain intelligence and level of functionality. Actually the tests are flat out crap, great to take up time at a corporate training session though

 

I realize that there is opposing POV on the validity of the tests and don't want to get into that debate, and most certainly not with anyone in education, human resources, mental health or corporate training for god's sakes. Let's all just read the wiki page instead and decide individually for ourselves.

Edited September 15, 2010 by meerkat stew

[just_some_guy]

My tests always come out INTJ and very strongly I + N. I do not disagree with the MBTI for me, in fact, I agree with it completely. It describes me to a tee. I don't believe it is a sentence or a diagnosis, just an indicator of natural preferences.

 

These are my dominant traits, the inferior traits are present (as they are for everyone) in the whole self. They are just not expressed in the conscious without some effort to do so. I have to dig them out and develop them. Some people are good cooks, others have to learn to cook and have to work at it to stay good at it. Same kind of thing.

 

Introversion and extraversion, as Jung describes them, are not the same as being shy or outgoing. There are outgoing introverts and timid extraverts. The difference is I's need to psych up to deal with groups of people and need lots of alone time to recharge, where as the E's need community time and need to psych up for spending alone time. The I's draw their energy from alone time, the E's from being with and interacting with people. About 3/4 of people fall into the E range.

 

Further, I also score well into the Asperger's range on some parts of that test. Although I don't seem to have many of the symptoms, I definitely have some of them. I'm not disabled by it at all. In the cognitive functions, my performance is very high. In the "life as test" I have done very well in career and accomplishment. Rather than impaired by it, I think it is more like a bit impeded by it. In close intimate relationships in particular, I have trouble understanding intent and body language in certain situations. They just don't register well in my understanding.