Attachment relationships in infancy lead to similar adult romantic relationships?

[jones1990]

Hi,

 

[sorry about the long post, part of me just wanted to get this off my chest, but I would very much appreciate if you read this + provide some insight...thank you]

 

I started dating this girl in February and at first she didn't impress me, but as time passed I started liking, then REALLY liking her, which came across as a shock to me since I didn't expect things to turn out this way.

 

You can look at an old post on my ex I made which ties to my problem and elaborates a bit more. What I'm trying to say is:

 

I'm constantly worrying/afraid/anxious whether I'm at a risk of being dumped + I feel like she doesn't get as close as I want her to be. I constantly interpret some texts that don't contain an adequate amount of smiley faces as an inclination towards a break up, or at date when she wasn't all "hugs and kisses" as a possible end point. Thing is...she's the kind of a girl that is shy...never asks where we are, never leans in for kisses, embarrassed to kiss in public (not make out, even just kiss), doesn't talk about anything relationship-related nor her past bfs (AT ALL, I almost know nothing about her ex, while I've pretty much spilled the beans on my ex from A-Z without her even asking)

 

I ALWAYS have to initiate things, ask where we are, invite her to my place, ask her if she wants to have sex (she was a virgin before me) etc. These kind of things create a serious insecurity in me b/c some days I'm really happy and cheerful and 3 days later I might be seriously worried whether or not she'll end it. The irony is that I think I have the upper hand in this (may be a delusion) since she doesn't really have guys around her as opposed to I having girls around me. I even create what I call "artificial competition" where I write on girls walls and they leave posts on my wall that come across as very flirtatious (sometimes a bit too many to many girls, my whole wall being spammed by girls).

 

I may look like a player on the outside but much like a rotten apple, anxious on the inside, I'm having constant relationship mood swings. I took PSYCHOLOGY last year and in one of the chapters there's a proposition that links your attachment to your caregiver (mother,father etc) to your adult relationships in life later on. 3 types: secure, anxious-ambivalent, avoidant.

 

(ADULT)Secure is: i am comfortable depending on my partner, I don't often worry about being abandoned or someone getting too close to me.

 

(ADULT)Anxious-ambivalent (i think me in this case): i find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like, I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person and sometimes this scares people away.

 

(ADULT)Avoidant: uncomfortable being close to others, difficult to trust them, difficult depending on them, too nervious when anyone gets too close.

 

These lead to Adult relationships

(CHILD) Secure: Comfortable without presence of caretaker

(CHILD) Anxious-Ambivalent: anxious without caretaker.

(CHILD) Avoidant: never bond well with caretaker.

 

I don't know what I was like as a baby but the Anxious-Ambivalent description as an ADULT matches my current insecuritie perfectly.

 

My point is: I DONT WANT THIS, I don't want relationships to be some sort of a narcotic for me (sometimes I wonder why I even go into them), where I get an emotional high then a severe withdrawal and perhaps even worse after a break-up.

 

Can something be done to reduce, ease, control this in a way? This spills on to my other activities...especially when college begins again, such as school, work, family and has serious negatives and I really want to be in relationships/I like this girl a lot, but I don't want to continue my current behaviour/reactions.

 

Thank you, again

[bac]

 

I ALWAYS have to initiate things, ask where we are, invite her to my place, ask her if she wants to have sex (she was a virgin before me) etc. I create what I call "artificial competition" where I write on girls walls and they leave posts on my wall that come across as very flirtatious (sometimes a bit too many to many girls, my whole wall being spammed by girls).

 

I may look like a player on the outside but much like a rotten apple, anxious on the inside, I'm having constant relationship mood swings. Anxious-Ambivalent: (i think me in this case): i find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like, I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person and sometimes this scares people away.

 

(ADULT)Avoidant: uncomfortable being close to others, difficult to trust them, difficult depending on them, too nervious when anyone gets too close.

 

My point is: I DONT WANT THIS, I don't want relationships to be some sort of a narcotic for me (sometimes I wonder why I even go into them), where I get an emotional high then a severe withdrawal and perhaps even worse after a break-up.

 

Can something be done to reduce, ease, control this in a way? This spills on to my other activities...especially when college begins again, such as school, work, family and has serious negatives and I really want to be in relationships/I like this girl a lot, but I don't want to continue my current behaviour/reactions.

 

Thank you, again

 

Your girl is immature and her behavior is who she is. It is not because of you, it is who she really is. She can not do any better because it is her personality.

If you like, you may say that she is '(ADULT)Avoidant: uncomfortable being close to others, difficult to trust them, difficult depending on them, too nervious when anyone gets too close.' If she has no natural drive to be emotionally open, she just does not have a chip/program in her brain on how and why to be this way. Look at her parents and what their values about emotional connection.

 

As for your 'artificial competition', do you know her opinion about that?

Considering that she is not open about her emotions and intimate thoughts,

my guess would be that you do not know that. IMO You are a player.

If my man flirts with other girls, my reaction is very negative and simple. I would feel that he does not respect me, he is insensitive, therefore, I would want to break up with him because the relationship hurts my feelings.

 

Because you experience emotional distress in your relationship with ups and downs, your might have some features in your personality of the bipolar disorder or the cyclothymia or personality disorder or smth else. I do not mean that you have anything like that, I just say that there is a very small probability that you take things too hard emotionally.

 

As for what can be done, be thankful for having the girl and accept her personality the way she is. Enjoy what you have and go with flow.

If you can not do that, it means that you are not good match emotionally.

Only time can show if you are a good match or not. In other words, the situation will unfold with time either to get better or to get worse.

So, you need to go with flow for a while. Perhaps, with time, you would see clearly that you are unhappy, unsatisfied. Later, you might notice that sex becomes boring, other girls would look so hot and desirable. Perhaps, then, you might realize that she was wrong for you and the break-up would feel great and right. It is just a possibility of how any relationship might unfold with time.

[Twenty-ten]

^Whoa those are some really huge diagnosis being hurled at the OP and his situation and quite frankly they seem a tad over the top.

 

 

 

jones1990 what was it about your girl that did not impress you at first, could you please elaborate? Was this purely on an attraction level as in you were not that into her or are we talking about personality traits that put you off initially? This will shed light into the other comments you made.

 

Also is this a reoccurring issue with you in relationships, that you are constantly anxious and worried "the end" will come whenever you are settled into a relationship?

 

 

This:

(CHILD) Anxious-Ambivalent: anxious without caretaker.

 

might be true considering what kind of upbringing you had with your parents. Where both your parents present at all time (by that I mean did you ever suffer a form of separation anxiety because one of your folks had to leave for an extended period of time?) Or was one of your parents distant and showed little to no affection and you tried very hard to always please them to get their approval/attention, again this will shed some light into the types of partners you choose for relationships. If you feel comfortable answering those questions then we can determine if this dynamic is playing out from unresolved childhood issues and why you choose this girl in particular who is also not very demonstrative and has you guessing about how she feels.

 

You can read the book Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and it explains our mate choosing patterns very well.

[Engadget]

I'm adopted myself, and this translates into abandonment issues in relationships. When I first started dating my ex, I was deathly afraid of her breaking up with me. It also translates into a lack of trust in personal relationships as well.

[Twenty-ten]

Oops just thought of another thing, also if you were a product of a home where there was a lot of conflict between your parents and volatility in this respect it will create a sense of unreliability towards people whom you trust at a very young age. Of course this is then carried over into adult relationships as well.

[jones1990]

^Whoa those are some really huge diagnosis being hurled at the OP and his situation and quite frankly they seem a tad over the top.

 

 

 

jones1990 what was it about your girl that did not impress you at first, could you please elaborate? Was this purely on an attraction level as in you were not that into her or are we talking about personality traits that put you off initially? This will shed light into the other comments you made.

 

Also is this a reoccurring issue with you in relationships, that you are constantly anxious and worried "the end" will come whenever you are settled into a relationship?

 

 

This:

(CHILD) Anxious-Ambivalent: anxious without caretaker.

 

might be true considering what kind of upbringing you had with your parents. Where both your parents present at all time (by that I mean did you ever suffer a form of separation anxiety because one of your folks had to leave for an extended period of time?) Or was one of your parents distant and showed little to no affection and you tried very hard to always please them to get their approval/attention, again this will shed some light into the types of partners you choose for relationships. If you feel comfortable answering those questions then we can determine if this dynamic is playing out from unresolved childhood issues and why you choose this girl in particular who is also not very demonstrative and has you guessing about how she feels.

 

You can read the book Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and it explains our mate choosing patterns very well.

 

I judge primarily based on looks and I'm very picky, I'd say she was an 8/10 looks but I was aiming for higher so I was gonna stop talking to her until my friend told me "what have you got to lose" and boy, was he right. I dunno how to describe it, but her personality, actions, humour and other unknown factors began to really impress me.

 

I haven't been in that many relationships, but the last one I was in, I wasn't even contemplating about what I was doing, I was just doing it (ie, texting her often, saying things without thinking about consequences) and maybe that's why I got dumped. However, I think I am often like that (ie anxious, and drawing conclusions quickly). I told myself that I won't let that happen again with this girl, cause in the beginning I was saying to myself "yeah, if we break up, I wouldn't care" but now it's not like that at all, I WILL care. And here I am, back in square one.

 

About the CHILD theory, yes my parents were away sometimes, but I dunno if that's enough to contribute to my current problems. My mom studied in england for a year when I was 4-5. Also when she was there my dad had to travel a lot for his own work and I stayed with my grandparents and went to kindergarten where they lived. I definitely remember missing them A LOT and constantly asking when they'll be back but again I might be selectively recalling information just to contribute to my problem haha. What I do know for sure is that ABSOLUTELY hate when my parents argue (it's mostly my father doing the arguing) and it infuriates me + I lose respect for him every time he yells at my mom.

 

So yeah, there has definitely been some lack of parental figures (my dad also had to leave for the states for a couple of years when I was 12) but they have also been present for a lot of the time (regardless if they were good or not, especially my dad, my mom I always got along with)

[bac]

Perhaps everything is fine with your GF' emotions. I mean she might be open and able to be emotionally connected. You mentioned that she was a virgin so she has not had much experiences. She might be afraid to say or do smth wrong.

Perhaps she does not say anything about her ex. because there is nothing to say. But, like you do, she wants you to feel that you are lucky to have her and she is popular with men, especially she was a virgin. If that ex. did not really exist in her life or he was a friendzone's guy, it would be a fine idea to create him to feel more secure.

[Romance]

The attachments are meant for infants only. They do not transfer over into adulthood. Trust me, I have taken a ton of pscyh classes. You are just an insecure person, where this stems from, who knows. If your mother had left you and never came back, then this would make sense. But since that isn't the case, this has no relation.