We're stuck with his ex

[prettybaby]

Long story short: my boyfriend was engaged years ago, but she called off the wedding, ran off with some other guy and is now married to that guy with 4 kids. My problem: my boyfriend's brother is married to my boyfriend's ex's twin sister. So basically, the ex is part of the family as far as everyone's concerned.

 

I have tried hard to feel okay about it, but it still weirds me out. I haven't met her yet, but she gets mentioned left & right at each family celebration. Actually, I'm cool about that. But it's the perspective of having to socialize with her sooner or later that irks me.

 

I've been feeling okay about the whole situation for several months, so I thought I was cool with it for good. But last night, my boyfriend and I were driving back from a restaurant, and his brother called to wish him happy birthday ... and to ask him if he'd wanna come to some birthday party where his ex will be.

 

He doesn't really want to see her again, but he generally talks it over with me first in case I want to go. Which obviously I have no desire to. The whole thing kinda ruined the happy mood we were in for his birthday. We talked about for a bit, and we both wondered whether it would be best to just face it and go next time. But then neither of us really want to. It's really more a matter of trying to find a solution to the awkwardness this whole family situation has created.

 

He has always declined to go, except to really big celebrations where his brother's kids are involved, because he cares a lot about them and doesn't want to disappoint them by not going to big events in which they are involved. Those happen once every blue moon. The next one he won't be able to avoid will be next year, when his brother's son celebrates his catholic confirmation.

 

So basically, I'll have to meet the woman sooner or later and I wish I didn't have to.

 

We don't know what to do. We declined this week's birthday party, but there's another one coming up in June I think. Should we just go ahead and go even though we don't want to? Or should we not go unless it's a big event?

 

If we start going to one small birthday party and we end up feeling really bad about it, it will be harder to decline the next one.

 

It bothers me that this question comes up every few months. What a pain.

[Eeyore79]

What if he had kids with his ex? Obviously she would still be in your lives all the time, he would have to pick his kids up every week, see her at the kids' birthday parties etc. What if she was an ex-wife who he had to pay alimony to? Aren't you glad she's just an ex who really has no claim on him, although you might bump into her occasionally?

 

Tbh it's a little bit immature if you can't deal with someone's ex; heaps of people have relationships with guys who are divorced and still see their ex-wives and kids etc, and they don't feel jealous (because that's what it is, jealousy). I'm not criticising you, because I also don't like exes - that's the main reason why I will never date a divorced man or one who has kids, because the ex would have too much claim on my boyfriend for me ever to feel comfortable. I would rather he had nothing to do with any exes, but I'm mature enough to realise that exes who are still in his group of friends have to be tolerated, and I'm just glad that they really have no claim on him and rarely see him.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I know how you feel. All you can do is console yourself that he's with you now, and you are prettier/smarter/better than his ex, and he loves you more, and you are faithful and trustworthy, etc. Exes are exes for a reason, so there's no need for you to feel jealous. His ex is probably just as annoyed at having to face you tbh; nobody likes to see their ex trade up to a better model than themselves

[prettybaby]

^^ I would never date someone who has kids from a previous relationship.

When we started dating, I had no idea the ex was still "part of the family". I only found out later.

[LakesideDream]

^^ I would never date someone who has kids from a previous relationship.

When we started dating, I had no idea the ex was still "part of the family". I only found out later.

 

 

If he's "the one" you are going to have to buck up and live with the situation. There's no time like the present to get started. I know absolutely for certain it's no fun... but the difficulty will lesson over time. I promise.

[make me believe]

That sucks I would hate to be forced into socializing with my bf's ex. Unfortunately, I think you just have to suck it up. Take comfort in the fact that your boyfriend obviously isn't interested in seeing her because he is willing to decline invitations to events she'll be at. But don't count on him doing that forever. At some point you'll have to attend one of these family functions. But at least they only happen once every few months, right? Just go to the next one (looking your absolute best, of course ), smile & be polite, but be brief. There's no reason why you & your bf should have to socialize extensively with his ex. Just say hello, maybe make some small talk, and then keep yourself occupied with other people for the rest of the time! You'll come out of the situation looking mature & gracious, and you can be happy about that.

[prettybaby]

If he's "the one" you are going to have to buck up and live with the situation. There's no time like the present to get started. I know absolutely for certain it's no fun... but the difficulty will lesson over time. I promise.

Yeah, I guess you're right. And he's definitely the one, so I have no choice. That's kind of what annoys me in a way. I have no choice.

 

I guess it could be better later on when we're actually married with kids. Because then I'd be a few steps further in our relationship then they ever were in theirs. The fact that they were living together, engaged, and had planned a whole wedding together, is a point we haven't reached yet.

 

It sucks right now.

 

He's a sweetheart though, don't get me wrong. He assures me we're perfect together and even said he'd be proud to show me off. But what bugs me is that they're never going to leave us alone about this, and we'll have to face it several times a year for the rest of our lives. What a pain.

 

I'm generally the type of person who would rather not know too much about exes. So talk about a paradox right now. I already know way more than I ever wanted to know. And now the perspective of having to be nice and social with her ...

 

So anyway. I guess what I'm wondering is whether we should start accepting invitiation for little things that we could easily skip, or if we should stick to what we're doing now and only attend important stuff we can't skip.

 

I'm worried about it being a disaster if we accept a birthday party invitation. So I don't know. I get stressed so easily, I won't enjoy any minute of it.

[2sure]

So your BF's Ex is hos sister in law, right?

 

Hey - its uncomfortable sure, but as far as sister in laws go its not as bad as it can get!!

 

If you and BF continue to avoid his brother's family ...its like screaming you both have a problem with it. And really it doesnt sound like either of you actually DO have a problem with it other than "uncomfy"...so why make one??

 

Suck it up, deal with it , accept it...next thing you know it wont even matter.

[Eeyore79]

His ex isn't even his sister-in-law, she's his sister-in-law's sister.

 

I don't see why his ex has to be involved with the family tbh - she is not family herself, she is the sister of a family member by marriage. I don't tag along with my sister when she goes to see her husband's family! I see her, and I see her husband, but his family is none of my business. It's a bit weird that his ex, who isn't a family member, is involved at all.

 

Hopefully as time passes and she finds a new partner, she'll attend family functions less, and the family will forget about her and stop inviting her. She's probably only invited now because she used to be family (because of being engaged to your bf); eventually they will realise she is no longer family and will stop inviting her.

[prettybaby]

So your BF's Ex is hos sister in law, right?

 

No, my boyfriend's ex is his sister in law's twin.

 

To be honest, his brother doesn't seem to care at all. I think he'd rather not bring it up either. It seems like his wife is the one pushing my boyfriend to see her twin sister, which really irks me. If she wasn't involved, no one would give a crap and it would never be mentioned again.

[Knittress]

I was in a similar (but weirder) situation, and when I went to large family gatherings I often felt totally jealous that everyone liked her more than me, and terribly insecure. Don't be! (or at least make a GOOD effort to fake it) People will like you more if you're open and warm, and your boyfriend think you sexier, if you act like the whole thing is ancient history and doesn't detract from your awesomeness in any way.

[prettybaby]

I was in a similar (but weirder) situation, and when I went to large family gatherings I often felt totally jealous that everyone liked her more than me, and terribly insecure. Don't be! (or at least make a GOOD effort to fake it) People will like you more if you're open and warm, and your boyfriend think you sexier, if you act like the whole thing is ancient history and doesn't detract from your awesomeness in any way.

It's sad how this is the best solution and I know it I wish they would just leave us alone.

[Eeyore79]

Does your bf not think it's a bit weird that someone who is not even a family member is still being invited to family gatherings? I can understand her being at your sister-in-law's party or something, cos she is her sister, but why is she being invited to your bf's family gatherings? She isn't family - she's the sister of someone who is a family member by marriage. She was treated as family while she was dating your bf, but she is no longer dating him, therefore she is no longer family - she is only the relative of a family member. Most people's in-laws do not bring their siblings to their spouse's family gatherings!

 

Perhaps it's time for your bf to have a chat with his family about the inappropriateness of them inviting his ex to family gatherings when she is not family?

[prettybaby]

Does your bf not think it's a bit weird that someone who is not even a family member is still being invited to family gatherings? I can understand her being at your sister-in-law's party or something, cos she is her sister, but why is she being invited to your bf's family gatherings? She isn't family - she's the sister of someone who is a family member by marriage. She was treated as family while she was dating your bf, but she is no longer dating him, therefore she is no longer family - she is only the relative of a family member. Most people's in-laws do not bring their siblings to their spouse's family gatherings!

 

Perhaps it's time for your bf to have a chat with his family about the inappropriateness of them inviting his ex to family gatherings when she is not family?

She's not invited anywhere unless she or her twin sister have a birthday party for one of their many kids.

 

Saturday for example, it's the birthday party of my boyfriend's brother's daughter. So since the ex is the little girl's aunt and her kids are the little girl's cousins, it makes sense for her to be there.

 

The main invitations we get revolve around my boyfriend's brother's kids.

 

That being said, I do find it weird that my boyfriend's parents still see her like it's no big deal. Apparently they never cut contact even after she dumped him right before the wedding. I guess my parents must be completely different in that sense. They would not want anything to do with someone who's hurt me and humiliated me like that. Especially since they don't really *have* to go there. They see their grand children several times a week already. I have asked him about that, but he just shrugs and is like "what can I do? They never cut contact."

[mansquito]

That being said, I do find it weird that my boyfriend's parents still see her like it's no big deal.

 

What are they supposed to do? Ignore the aunt of their grandchildren?

 

Apparently they never cut contact even after she dumped him right before the wedding.

 

Define "contact."

[D-Lish]

His ex isn't even his sister-in-law, she's his sister-in-law's sister.

 

I don't see why his ex has to be involved with the family tbh - she is not family herself, she is the sister of a family member by marriage. I don't tag along with my sister when she goes to see her husband's family! I see her, and I see her husband, but his family is none of my business. It's a bit weird that his ex, who isn't a family member, is involved at all.

 

 

There are kids involved. PB's bf's bro has kids with his ex gf's sister. Essentially, PB's bf is an uncle to the kids, and his ex gf is an aunt. They will have to run into one another here and there.

 

I have dated guys and socialized with their ex's. It's a bit daunting at first- but I got over being awkward pretty fast and you will too.

[Kamille]

I have dated guys and socialized with their ex's. It's a bit daunting at first- but I got over being awkward pretty fast and you will too.

 

Hear hear! I've also been in situation where the ex was part of the situation. To my surprise, I usually really liked them once I got to know them. In fact, one of them remains one of my best friends to this day. We like to joke that our common ex clearly has good taste!

 

It sounds like you're very secure in your relationship, so accepting that she is part of your life and acting accordingly will make your life easier.

 

edit: just realized TWO of them are amongst my closest friends to this day.

[D-Lish]

Hear hear! I've also been in situation where the ex was part of the situation. To my surprise, I usually really liked them once I got to know them. In fact, one of them remains one of my best friends to this day. We like to joke that our common ex clearly has good taste!

 

It sounds like you're very secure in your relationship, so accepting that she is part of your life and acting accordingly will make your life easier.

 

edit: just realized TWO of them are amongst my closest friends to this day.

 

 

I have had the same experience with bf's ex's. I am also close friends with a woman that I met when we discovered we were dating the same guy many years ago. It's not as bad as it seems.

 

It's always good to get the meeting over with sooner rather than later. I think you'll find that after meeting her, you'll feel way less threatened and uncomfortable than you think.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Years ago I was dating some asshat that ended up inviting me and the other girl he was dating to the same event (this was after we had the talk and agreed to be exclusive ). Anyway, that first night I HATED this girl. She was really pretty too and thinner than me so that didn't help matters.

 

Towards the end of the night, we got talking and turns out the asshat was exclusive with her too . We got along well and decided to dump the asshat right there and then.

 

This was about 5 years ago. Today, I consider her my best friend. Neither of us had any contact with the asshat since that night (we hear he has since gotten married).

[prettybaby]

^^ lol but that's different. My guy is not an asshat In fact, he's quite a catch.

 

I'm not insecure about our relationship at all. In fact, I know it's rock solid, and I'm not the only one who'd rather not hear about her ever again. Because that's exactly how he feels. So we're both facing the same issue and neither of us is sure about how to handle this.

 

It does affect me more than him though. I'm not sure why. I guess it's been so long for him that he's totally over it and has zero emotions about it at this point. For me, the news is still recent, and it is weird.

 

I've been thinking about why in the world it makes me feel so bad. And I thought about a few possible reasons.

 

-1- The stage of our relationship isn't as far yet as they were. They were living together, they were engaged, had planned a whole wedding, and he was hoping to have children soon after the wedding (he's really a family man). Our situation: we both still live in our own separate house, we see each other twice a week on average. And although there has been marriage talk, as well as babies, he hasn't actually proposed (yet). Their relationship lasted 6 years, while we are at 1.5 y right now. I suppose this could be jealousy in a way? I don't know. I'm generally not a jealous person, and it doesn't actually feel like jealousy. But I suppose it could be? (as silly as it may sound)

 

-2- Whether I like it or not, we're stuck with her in our life. I've never been in a situation where I didn't have a choice, and where leaving someone out of my life is no option. It's so frustrating. I don't want anything to do with exes. I don't mind hearing about exes, because they're part of the past and that's okay. But still being part of the present is something I simply never wanted to have to deal with. That's why I always said I'd never date someone who still has ties with an ex. But in this case, I had no idea up until 6 months ago. And obviously, he's been avoiding her as much as possible for the past few years. So I can only support him in this mess, since he's completely stuck as well.

 

-3- She cheated on him, dumped him, humiliated him, and put him in the worst position. He's such a sweet guy. It's like, what kind of person would do this to him? I mean, only a first class b*tch would. This doesn't exactly make me want to get to know her, to be honest.

[SadandConfusedWA]

4. She dumped him and not vice versa. It was her choice for R to end and if it was up to him they would have been married a long time ago. (I am always more jelaous of exes that dumped my previous bfs than of those that they dumped). It IS on some level jelousy and insecurity on your part.

 

I think the best thing to do is not to make such a big deal about it and just go to these events. You will become more comfortable with the situation in time. It's almost as if by not going you are making this out to be more than it is.

[prettybaby]

4. She dumped him and not vice versa. It was her choice for R to end and if it was up to him they would have been married a long time ago. (I am always more jelaous of exes that dumped my previous bfs than of those that they dumped). It IS on some level jelousy and insecurity on your part.

 

I think the best thing to do is not to make such a big deal about it and just go to these events. You will become more comfortable with the situation in time. It's almost as if by not going you are making this out to be more than it is.

Funny you mention that. It is a point I raised with him a few months ago. He said that even though she dumped him and not him, he had no regrets whatsoever now because he's very happy with the way things are right now and the fact that we are together. That made me feel good

 

It's a bit tricky because he doesn't really want to see her again, and the fact that I'm not keen on it either seems to be a relief to him. At the first sign of me being against it, he was happy to cancel before I even had a chance to maybe warm up to the idea.

 

But yeah, we have discussed long term and what would be best. Right now, just the thought of it gives me awful stomach cramps. I'm not kidding. I have no idea how my body would react to the stress of actually going. My health isn't super right now, so I think I could pass on that kind of stress at the moment. I'm terrible with stress. It makes me literally sick.

 

I guess we'll give it a shot some time later. Maybe next year. I don't know. Part of me worries that meeting her would bring negativity into our relationship. And once I've met the woman, I can't un-meet her ...

[2sure]

Eh, you know odds are good that after all this time and FOUR kids...

She is the one thats going to feel uncomfortable around you.

[Twenty-ten]

-3- She cheated on him, dumped him, humiliated him, and put him in the worst position. He's such a sweet guy. It's like, what kind of person would do this to him? I mean, only a first class b*tch would. This doesn't exactly make me want to get to know her, to be honest.

 

 

This is it. You may think you are secure in your relationship but you are not. This notion is making you wonder if he is really over her. She dumped him not the other way around, so technically he could still have feelings for her. Understandable this would make you feel insecure, on a very deep level.