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Old 25th April 2010, 10:49 AM   #1
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staying "friends"...

This is a really complicated situation but to cut a long story short. I started university 3 years ago and met probably one of the best friends I've ever had. Our feelings developed into a relationship, but after a year, he ended things with me. This was last June. We had just signed a year lease on a flat so we have been living together since we broke up, which has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do, especially considering I still have feelings for him. Until recently, he was still very affectionate and would initiate sex etc with me. But yesterday I found out that he has been making plans to start dating a girl he works with.

I'm hurting so bad. I know deep down that we aren't right for eachother and we aren't going to work but I think part of me thought we'd get back together, as he was still the same towards me, I just knew I wasn't his "girlfriend" in label terms. I wasn't ready for him to meet someone new.

I'm moving out of our flat in 5 weeks, and I've asked him to pause this relationship until I leave as it hurts me so much, they work together every sunday so it's not like he won't see her and I don't understand why he can't tell her the truth about me. He says he won't do it and I'm being a "psycho" for suggesting this.

He claims to be my best friend and care about me more than anything in the world. He says he loves me as a friend and doesn't ever want to loose me, will always have time for me, will always look after me etc etc. But I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to hear all about his life without me and I don't want to hear about his new girlfriend. So, in effect, I know that when I leave in 5 weeks, I will never want to see him again, and am going to loose the best friend I've ever had and the main person in my life for the past 3 years. The thought of it is killing me but I know it has to be done.

He won't accept that I can't be friends with him. He thinks I'm being manipulative, trying to get him to stop seeing this other girl and give me another chance. I'm not. I just don't want to have to think about him with anyone else. He doesn't understand why, when we've lived together for the past 3 years and have been a huge part of eachother's lifes, we can't be "best friends". He even got a bit teary about it last night. He says he can't loose me from his life.

How can I convey my feelings effectively to him? Am I doing the right thing? He just won't listen to me, or see things from my side. He keeps shouting at me, saying I'm being selfish and manipulative and it's hurting me so much.

Thanks in advance for any advice.
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Old 25th April 2010, 10:55 AM   #2
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My advice is, men and women can be friends with boundaries. You guys are lovers, and will always be lovers. If you are being manipulative it is only a consequence of looking after yourself. You need to look after yourself and not fall into the spell of "we can be friends and he can look after me ect."

Leave him and never see him again.
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Old 25th April 2010, 10:57 AM   #3
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Sounds to me he just wants you to still be friends so he can continue to have sex if his relationships don't work out. You are being completely reasonable and making the right decision by cutting him out of your life. I firmly believe that you can never ever stay friends after a long term relationship.
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Old 25th April 2010, 10:59 AM   #4
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Sounds to me he just wants you to still be friends so he can continue to have sex if his relationships don't work out. You are being completely reasonable and making the right decision by cutting him out of your life. I firmly believe that you can never ever stay friends after a long term relationship.
I would take what you said one step farther and say that the guy even gets an ego boost by seeing a girl in pain over him. Bottom line living with an ex sounds like a nightmare... get a way as soon as you can and don't look back even if he is your "best friend"
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Old 25th April 2010, 11:12 AM   #5
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Thanks for the replies.

Green, you are right. It has been a complete nightmare and the most painful experience of my life. I do not think I have ever cried so much in my life haha.

But how can I get him to understand why I am doing this? He thinks I am being, in his words "over dramatic" and when I say to him I cannot stay friends, he takes the moral high ground and becomes sarcastic like "Oh ok then, I wont text you ever again". He knows what this is doing to me, he can see how much pain I am in. Yet he just will not listen to me. How can I get him to understand?
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Old 25th April 2010, 11:14 AM   #6
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You don't have to get him to understand, just tell him whats going on and if he chooses to get offended or upset or whatever by it thats not your problem. Your number one interest has to be your own physical and mental health, not his.
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Old 25th April 2010, 11:28 AM   #7
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Just tell him in your own words what you are saying here. He probably will not want to understand and there for will not understand.

Actions speak louder then words. He would be with you if he loved you and wanted to take care of you, not moving on.

You need to forget this guy, he is a real jerk to even put you in such a position of making you feel guilty because you want to move on. He is selfish, and you need to think about yourself.

Watch the movie "the holiday" I think that is what it is called. It has Jack Black, Cameron Diaz.. Jude law... and that girl from the Titanic I forget her name at the moment.
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Old 25th April 2010, 11:34 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Rorschach View Post
You don't have to get him to understand, just tell him whats going on and if he chooses to get offended or upset or whatever by it thats not your problem. Your number one interest has to be your own physical and mental health, not his.
Exactly! Take care of yourself and be honest with how you are feeling. If he turns your feelings against you it tells you something about him.
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Old 25th April 2010, 11:43 AM   #9
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He's not your friend. He's not looking out for you. He's not making time for you. Nobody who was your friend would behave that way and then blame you and demean you for having a perfectly normal reaction.

It's pretty likely that he wants to shame you into keeping quiet and staying in your role as his backup. Don't let him do this to you.

I'm sorry you are discovering these hard truths about a man you've been regarding through rosy lenses, it's hard when the illusion shatters. But now it's time to stand up for yourself and move on, leaving him behind you.

Remember that no matter what, someone who doesn't listen to you, doesn't even try to understand your emotions, disregards your pain and mocks you for it, and does things they KNOW will hurt you is NEVER EVER EVER your friend, no matter what else they say. Open your eyes and look at his actions, not just his words. He's horrible boyfriend material, you actually dodged a bullet there, painful as the last year has been. You should be shuddering to think how awful your life could have become if you were still together long enough to do something like get married or have a child together. Lesson learned!

You've got five weeks left. Grit your teeth and get through it as best you can. I suggest staying at other friends' houses as much as you possibly can, or visiting family for a while. When you leave, cut all ties with him. When he sarcastically threatens to never text you again, smile and say thank you.
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Old 25th April 2010, 11:43 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Green View Post
Just tell him in your own words what you are saying here. He probably will not want to understand and there for will not understand.

Actions speak louder then words. He would be with you if he loved you and wanted to take care of you, not moving on.

You need to forget this guy, he is a real jerk to even put you in such a position of making you feel guilty because you want to move on. He is selfish, and you need to think about yourself.

Watch the movie "the holiday" I think that is what it is called. It has Jack Black, Cameron Diaz.. Jude law... and that girl from the Titanic I forget her name at the moment.
I love "The Holiday". I think I know what you're getting at though, the similarities between this and Kate Winslet's character.

I know I need to forget him and everyone, my family and my friends tell me I can do 100 times better . I also find it particularly hard because girl he is starting to date is 17, a bit of a bimbo, short and blonde...a total polar opposite of me...22, lots of ambition, tall and brunette and he is nearing 24. (I find the age difference a bit weird also - she's barely legal).

I just keep thinking "why the hell did he waste my time if that type of girl is what he wanted all along?". I just can't seem to stop thinking about everything, I'm exhausted from thinking!

Just the thought of him not being in my life anymore is very daunting, he's been the biggest part of it for 3 years!
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Old 25th April 2010, 11:47 AM   #11
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Yes thats exactly why I recomended the movie
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Old 25th April 2010, 11:55 AM   #12
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get out of there quickly. in the meantime, spend most of your time out of the flat, dive into work or whatever keeps you busy, or spend it with family and friends; if you need to take a moment to feel hurt, do it around friends, not him. when its time to sleep, just go straight to bed and ignore him; talk to him only as it pertains to moving out: be curteous, civil, unemotional and detached.

don't let him use you; entertaining him will only hurt you more.

Last edited by runner; 25th April 2010 at 11:56 AM.. Reason: oopsy daisy
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