True love: is it defined by logic or emotion?

[lynn650]

[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica][sIZE=2]First let me apologize for the length, I hate long posts but I felt the need to give a bit of detail to set up my question.

 

The last three years have been difficult for me relationship-wise. I have been involved in unhealthy relationships that seemed one-sided; I was always more passionate about the person compared to how they felt for me. I met Michael a little over a month ago on match.com and things progressed very quickly. Michael is a fantastic man and a breath of fresh air after all of the losers I have been involved with over the past couple of years. Michael is, hands down, everything I have ever wanted in a man. I completely forgot what it felt like to be wanted.

 

I have always felt that my attraction to Michael was more “cerebral” rather than “heart-felt.” With all of the losers, I always felt incredibly passionate about them---you know—the “butterfly” feeling. I don’t feel that way about Michael. The way I feel about him is comparable to the way you feel about your significant other after years of being together---the honeymoon is over…you don’t feel the butterflies, you get annoyed with their little quirks, but you know that this person is fantastic and on occasion simple things (like the way they smile) brings back the butterflies for an instant. I feel so incredibly comfortable with Michael. He is the first person I’ve ever been able to be myself with---so, honestly, he’s the first man who’s ever liked the real me. Knowing Michael inspires me to be the best possible version of myself and makes me want to make better choices in life.

 

I ended things with Michael yesterday. I ended things because while my brain is telling me that this guy is “the one,” my heart feels as if the lack of butterflies and passion is an indicator that I need to keep looking. After growing up with two parents who even after 27 years, can’t keep their hands off of each other, Disney movies, chick flicks..etc..I feel that I have very high expectations on what love is. People always say that you should follow your heart; your heart always knows the answer. But, I must say, I don’t necessarily trust my heart! It was my heart that told me to stay in unhealthy relationship based on my mere feelings for someone. Being with Michael made me feel uncomfortable because I could see the passion in his eyes—and it simply wasn’t reciprocated---it’s as if he was me over the past couple of years, and I was the loser that never felt the same. I just didn’t feel that it was fair for me to stay with him if I wasn’t 100% sure if this was right.

 

It’s only been a day, but I miss him. I don’t like knowing that I won’t talk to him today. I was very honest with Michael about my feelings and said that I needed to figure this out. He said he would be patient, but won’t be waiting by the phone either. So I guess I’m here wondering if I made the right decision (although, I know that the only person that knows that for sure is myself). I’m just wondering if my expectations are set too high? If I went back to him today, I know that the butterflies still wouldn’t be there. I know that the butterflies fade over time, so is it worth ending things with a wonderful man because there are none initially? I guess my fear is that if there is none to begin with, how will I feel after several years—miserable?

 

I’ve never felt this way about anyone…so comfortable in knowing that this person will never hurt me and that we are truly compatible. Knowing that I found a real “winner” and being inspired to make unselfish decisions that will benefit us both. This is definitely the most healthy relationship I’ve ever found myself in----so where the hell are the butterflies and unbridled passion?? Are they a must have for a loving relationship that lasts forever?[/sIZE][/FONT]

[zebracolors]

Sounds more like he would have made a good and trusted friend rather then someone to be in an intimate relationship with. However, possibly because you met him on a dating site, you labeled what you had with him as a "relationship" perhaps prematurely. Many on here will tell you that chemistry is and should be a major factor in making a relationship work. Overall I think you did the right thing being honest with him and not stringing him along.

[boogieboy]

True love is defined by emotion for women, and logic for men.

 

You just found out that logic doesnt work for you.

 

But you will continue to get dissappointed when you refer to disney movies and chick flicks for your idea of love. Movies are FICTION! Youre not a princess and your prince wont come and sweep you off your feet. You have to put in work to get the guy you want. Start hittin on more guys.

[pandagirl]

Honestly, I think passion and butterflies are over-rated. I think you should be able to recapture the magic occasionally, but in the end, passion is an emotion that comes and goes. It's not something to base a relationship on.

 

That being said, you know yourself best! So if you think this was the right decision for you, it probably was, and you will either find out the hard way if you made a mistake, or you will go on to find what you want!

[silverfish]

Did you give it a fair chance? A month isn't that long. Can you define what it was / wasn't that didn't work for you? Was it sex, attraction?

 

Have you had any counselling at all? Do you think that you have self esteem issues at all relating to your previous relationships that might be making you subconsciously believe you aren't good enough for someone who treats you so well?

 

If there are no butterflies to begin with, it's unlikely that its anything more than friendship, but it could be related to how you feel about yourself as much as anything else

 

You don't know after such a short period of time that he would never hurt you, but it's interesting that that could be such a turn off for you. I think it's possible that you are telling yourself you don't deserve these things, and that you aren't worthy in some way. Did anything happen in your last R to make you feel this way?

[Mr White]

Honestly, I think passion and butterflies are over-rated. I think you should be able to recapture the magic occasionally, but in the end, passion is an emotion that comes and goes. It's not something to base a relationship on.

 

 

You are my hero of the day.

[Mr White]

Did you give it a fair chance? A month isn't that long. Can you define what it was / wasn't that didn't work for you? Was it sex, attraction?

 

Have you had any counselling at all? Do you think that you have self esteem issues at all relating to your previous relationships that might be making you subconsciously believe you aren't good enough for someone who treats you so well?

 

If there are no butterflies to begin with, it's unlikely that its anything more than friendship, but it could be related to how you feel about yourself as much as anything else

 

You don't know after such a short period of time that he would never hurt you, but it's interesting that that could be such a turn off for you. I think it's possible that you are telling yourself you don't deserve these things, and that you aren't worthy in some way. Did anything happen in your last R to make you feel this way?

 

Good pop-psychology here...

[neonthai91]

True love is defined by emotion for women, and logic for men.

 

You just found out that logic doesnt work for you.

 

So basically you're saying that if a woman no longer feels IN Love anymore then the relationship is over?

 

Is there anyways for guys to help surface the lost emotion or is it better to call it off?

[paleblue]

people find passion in the wrong kind of people to be involved with, and when they find the right kind of people to be involved with they dont feel any passion.

 

ain't that a b**** but thats the way it seems to go in life sometimes

 

you have to go with your heart you cant force yourself to like someone. michael may have been a nice guy, but it doesnt sound like he lit your fire :love:keep trying. hopfully someday you will find a happy medium

[aerogurl87]

Well I can tell you from experience, that I'm one of those people who rarely starts off feeling butterflies for a person. I fall in love with a person's mind first and then that's when the butterflies start coming for me. And to me that's a good thing. But as another poster mentioned, butterflies don't last forever. Because what happens when the fog of "love" (aka butterflies in the tummy and lust, because really that's all it is) is gone and you have this guy standing in front of you who is ok? Sure you can have someone who is your best friend and lover combined in one, actually that's what your future husband/wife should be to you. But life has compromises and sometimes you have to come to terms with that. Love isn't always instant, it's not like popcorn where you throw it in the microwave for a few minutes and there it is. No, sometimes it takes time and I can tell you from my experience, though limited I must admit, that the best love springs forth when it is cultivated slowly instead of driven by hormones and dreams of living the Disney fairytale.

[neonthai91]

Ok so i understand the first answer to my first question. Its Life and it hurts.

 

2nd one not so much. Yeah i understand you can't force someone to love you but i know that there's another side to this arguement. but there's truly nothing to help bring the emotions that are apparently "gone forever"?

[Mr White]

One of the most dangerous trends in our culture in general is the notion that just because "i feel" in a certain way, than this is all that matters, regardless of the consequences and the implications.:rolleyes::rolleyes:

Give me a break:rolleyes:. When my grandpa "felt" fear in WWII, that didn't stop him from kicking some nazi azz. If he, and others like him decided that their "feelings" trump everything else, we'd be conversing in German right now.

 

Similarly, just because someone doesn't "feel" madly in love right now, does not mean that they are entitled to do whatever they want without consideration of the others (e.g. divorce...)

 

Effin crybabies, that's what we have turned into.

[threebyfate]

lynn650, what is love to you? Those butterflies that you write about, what are they?

 

Make sure you don't confuse anxiety with chemistry.

 

One way of confirming this is to take a look at how you were raised. If your historical patterning shows love to be a wild ride on a drama-coaster, think long and hard about how this might be affecting your choice in partners.

 

True love has become a term that bothers me. I prefer real, healthy love v. infatuation or unhealthy love.

 

If you're referring to relationship viability, it has to be a combination of emotions and logic. Love is never enough. But don't even bother if there's no love.