Red flags??? What red flags?

[barfool]

You are all going to think I'm stupid for being in this situation, but please I need advice anyway.

 

I'm seeing a guy that put up a lot of red flags but things somehow went fast and emotions were running deep, then more things came to light and here I am. Briefly:

 

He is going through a divorce and has a 4 yr old girl.

We met in group therapy.

He has been in an online relationship for 8 months, they love each other and were/are planning to meet. Before some drama happened he was talking about moving to be w/her. He never told her that he is seeing someone now.

He gave me the "I need some space, it's not you it's me, we need to slow down" talk a few weeks ago but still wants me to stay over all the time.

Through snooping (shame on me) I found out about an old high school friend in a city nearby that he has been starting something with and they plan to meet and have sex. He is telling her there is no one else.

 

Despite all this I still hang around because he treats me so nice and is affectionate and we just have a good time together. He sends serious mixed messages too. Also I have no self-esteem and this is sadly the best time I've ever had with a guy.

 

I've voiced concerns with him before (but not about the high school friend since he doesn't know I know) and he just tells me how much he loves having me around and how things are so great with me and how he loves me but at the same time he can't promise me anything.

 

Am I being the biggest idiot? Is he jerking me around like crazy? Or am I being a jealous and needy bitch because he has been verbally clear (not so much in actions) about not being able to handle a relationship right now etc.?

[xpaperxcutx]

He didn't say he loved you, he merely said he loved having you around.

 

Despite your low self esteem, you better kick him out of your life.

 

Your situation isn't that he doesn't want a relationship, but more like he can still get it on without being in a serious relationship.

 

There are alot of red flags. You know this. So why????

 

Stop questioning his motives, stop thinking he's going to come around. His behaviour is already unacceptable as is.

[Awesome Username]

I hope you can find it in yourself to do what you know you need to do. He does not respect you. Learn to think with your head despite what you feel in your heart, and you will find that you will gain self-esteem.

[Awesome Username]

Here is some excellent insight that I got from pantherj, another poster on here. The quotes in bold are mine, but I hope I'm not out of line in thinking that might hold true for you as well.

 

--

 

"Imo your problems stem from your childhood. Children are ego centric, and they believe that if they don't recieve enough love/care, then they are 100% to blame. This leads to toxic shame, a core belief in one's defectivenes. When a person has toxic shame, they feel a deep desire to compensate for their percieved flaws. As a child, the thought process is something like "what did I do to make mom walk off and leave me here?" Or "what did I do to make dad so angry?" and "There must be something wrong with me. Mom doesn't smile at me very often. I'll have to make up for my flaws by being as perfect as possible. I'll never do ___ again, that way they won't reject me. That way they will love me."

 

"I hide it very well in front of other people so I can be a decent, logical person."

 

"so he will respect me and I don't have to creepily bring up small things later"

 

"and as soon as they have my attention they ignore me"

 

You have decided to compensate for your toxic shame by hiding your emotions. I suspect that you are choosing to interact with men who are likely to be emotionally unavailable to you. This allows you to play out your childhood experiences. "Oh no! It's my attention that drives my parent/caretaker away! Wait, maybe it's my emotions! I'll figure this out." So long as you have toxic shame, you will go for men who don't offer you enough love and acceptance.

 

"I just want someone that I like to like me back. I feel like I have to create the right environment for a guy to be able to do that"

 

You will continue to come up with ways to try and compensate for your toxic shame. He doesn't love me because I didn't manipulate the environment, hide my emotions, show enough of my emotions, or give him exactly the right amount of attention. You must rid yourself of toxic shame, and then you will pick men who are likely to be emotionally available to you. So long as you're trying to hide your toxic shame, you will find yourself around men who prey on women with toxic shame. You're an easy target. Womanizers can see you a mile away.

 

"I need to be more aggressive and assertive, but I'm lost as to how and when to do it"

 

Dump your toxic shame and you won't feel lost, and you won't try to hide behind cocky schemes and plans to make guys like you. Here is my advice:

 

1.) Dump your bf. He's with you because he knows you have toxic shame. You're not fooling him, and he's bad for you.

 

2.) If you are friends with other people who have toxic shame, lose them. You can come back to them later.

 

3.) Avoid men for the time being. They clearly trigger your toxic shame.

 

4.) Spend time with women who don't have toxic shame. Women who have loving bfs, happily married women, women who show their emotions around men, who admit their flaws, who are honest about mistakes they make, who don't feel the need to be perfect, and who love themselves. You may need to find a local support group.

 

5.) Spend some time alone. It's not so bad, is it?

 

6.) Make a list of your boundaries. A list of what you won't tolerate from others.

 

7.) Go out with the group of women who are free of toxic shame. See their boundaries? See how they carry themselves? It's not a act. They truly feel wonderful about themselves. You can have the same feeling, but you must let go of your past routine. Be 100% honest. Show your emotions. Don't let anyone step on you. Have fun. Single guys are everywhere. In fact, I'm sick of running into them. Find one who responds to you, your emotions, everything.

 

8.) Rejection sucks for everyone. It's ok to feel bad if you get rejected. It's part of life. It is NOT a good reason to go back to your old routine. Guy rejects you, it sucks, ok now drop it and move on. You don't need to write a book about it called 'This is what I did wrong.' Move on."

[barfool]

He didn't say he loved you, he merely said he loved having you around.

 

Actually that's part of the problem. He has told me many times and continues to say that he loves me.

 

AwesomeUsername: You hit the nail on the head. I did meet him in therapy, I've got issues one of them being "assumptions of inadequacy". This guy tells me how great I am and how I deserve so much more than I've allowed myself and yet I'm in this situation.

 

Last night after I posted this I convinced myself that I was being needy and should change. This is, after all, not my boyfriend because he told me he couldn't handle that kind of relationship now. I have a feeling that a guys opinion on this would be that he was clear about backing off so I don't have any claim on him and he is not out-of-line. I guess I would appreciate a male opinion.