Im so numb to dating, because Im tired of getting hurt over and over what do I do?

[Alexanda]

I always give in relationships and get nothing in return. Its always about what the guy wants, but what about me? Im tired of putting 100% effort into a relationship and a guy puts in hardly any effort.Why cant I find a guy that likes me for me? Who is truly interested in getting to know me? Why is it so hard to find a man with a good heart, that is intelligent and has an open mind, who is caring and enjoys the simple things in life? I dont have to be with a guy that has tons of money, or drives a nice car, or has an impressive work/or educational background. He doesnt have to have huge biceps or a six pack. I know people arent perfect and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Why is dating so hard?

[USMCHokie]

I always give in relationships and get nothing in return. Its always about what the guy wants, but what about me? Im tired of putting 100% effort into a relationship and a guy puts in hardly any effort.Why cant I find a guy that likes me for me? Who is truly interested in getting to know me? Why is it so hard to find a man with a good heart, that is intelligent and has an open mind, who is caring and enjoys the simple things in life?

 

Because you subconsciously don't want these things. You want the guys that are basically the exact opposite of that. You can't explain it. I can't explain it. It's just the way it is.

 

 

I dont have to be with a guy that has tons of money, or drives a nice car, or has an impressive work/or educational background. He doesnt have to have huge biceps or a six pack. I know people arent perfect and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Why is dating so hard?

 

 

I am merely speculating here, but it's one thing to say these things...it's something completely different to do those things...those underlined qualities are exactly what you want...because those are qualities that reflect success and attractiveness...

[sagetalk]

There are millions of guys out there who meet that criteria, but is that what you really want? If it is then start going after men who have traits of kindness to everyone, honesty, loyalty and run from men who displays traits of lying, cheating, and are sexually aggressive around women.

 

My advice is to analyze the guys that you like and see if there is a pattern. My hunch is, their mostly jerks who have many other women besides you, they lie, they are sexually aggressive with women, and are unfaithful.

 

Also, are you making these guys wait for sex or are you just giving it up right away?

[USMCHokie]

There are millions of guys out there who meet that criteria, but is that what you really want? If it is then start going after men who have traits of kindness to everyone, honesty, loyalty and run from men who displays traits of lying, cheating, and are sexually aggressive around women.

 

My advice is to analyze the guys that you like and see if there is a pattern. My hunch is, their mostly jerks who have many other women besides you, they lie, they are sexually aggressive with women, and are unfaithful.

 

Also, are you making these guys wait for sex or are you just giving it up right away?

 

 

Sage, if only I could say it like you, then people might like me more...

[Disillusioned]

I've gone one step beyond that stage.

 

After all pain and no gain, I think that if I met a woman who's perfect for me, she'd always think of me as second best. Rejection does that... y'know?

[SilkRose]

There are millions of guys out there who meet that criteria, but is that what you really want? If it is then start going after men who have traits of kindness to everyone, honesty, loyalty and run from men who displays traits of lying, cheating, and are sexually aggressive around women.

 

My advice is to analyze the guys that you like and see if there is a pattern. My hunch is, their mostly jerks who have many other women besides you, they lie, they are sexually aggressive with women, and are unfaithful.

 

This really spoke to me, I had to cut off contact with two guys recently to claimed that they wanted my 'friendship' recently due to this kind of behaviour, they kept trying to take things further and further and acted as if I was stupid or mean for not wanting to be touched and spoken to in this way. I just realised that they were trouble waiting to happen and left. Obviously most men are not like this at all.

 

OP This is a great topic. For me it has been a process, when you are let down so much, it can be hard to believe that things can change and improve. But I know that there are really kind mature men out there.

 

I keep reminding myself that I am interested in meeting someone with a great smile and a positive attitude, so I'm trying to improve my life so that I feel this way and give out this kind of positive energy myself. I do want to be with someone who is intelligent who loves to read and learn new things and who has healthy lifestyle, so I am educating myself, reading lots and maintaining my health. I can't ask for what I don't have. I am doing these things in my life for myself and if I meet someone special then they'll be meeting a happy woman or at least a woman who is trying to be happy and positive.

[betamanlet]

I have a feeling you prefer dramatic badboys over nice guys. What is the commonality between all the guys you date?

[littlewhiterose]

You definitely sound exhausted! I think the reason the guys are hardly putting in the effort is because (as you mentioned) you’re the one putting in all the work. When you do that, the dynamic changes. It should be ebb and flow, give and take.

 

My suggestion is maybe take a break from dating. Take the time to really think about what YOU want in a person, in a relationship, be realistic, figure out what’s acceptable and what’s a deal-breaker. You mentioned you “don’t have to have a,b,c,d…” to me that sounds like uncertainty. Know what you want and own it!!!That's what makes you, YOU. Once you’ve thought it through, and I mean really thought it through, go back out there. (Note: You will continue to meet incompatible people, but this time you’ll be better armed to weed incompatible people out faster with minimal investment). Those that don’t match up to what you desire will fall to the wayside, making room for the person that is right for you. Just DO NOT continue to give 100% with ZERO return on investment. You will most certainly burn yourself out.

[starwolf242]

There are an abundance of single nice guys out there. If she wants one, she can have one in a second given how many are out there.

 

Where can we find them?!

[Woggle]

Where can we find them?!

 

If you found one would you really want him or would you get bored?

[betamanlet]

The OP so far has gone for dramatic badboys. There are an abundance of single nice guys out there. If she wants one, she can have one in a second given how many are out there.

I think very few women actually want that, given that nice guys are drama free and hence boring..

 

If you ever read about women talking about what a jerk their boyfriends are, or with ab usive guys, you'll inherently pretty much always find out their LONGEST relationships had been with the guys they complain about, and their SHORTEST relationships are with the guys who treated them the best.

[betamanlet]

Two steps

 

1) You must reject the jerk types as quickly as possible, rather than treat them nicely and give to them. As long as you are nice to them or are dating one, the good nice guys won't even see you or even want you.

 

2) Where to find us

 

On dating sites, we're the ones who generally write out emails based on the specific woman we are interested in, rather than form emails. This takes longer to do so it may be email 100 in your inbox since women generally get many a day. Look at our profiles and use the wink or flirt feature to get our attention. We're the ones who don't insist on sex quickly. We want it in relationships only.

 

Out and about we're the ones sitting alone at a table or out doing activities we enjoy either alone or in groups. We're sometimes too shy to say hello. Smile at us and even initiate conversation. We often don't read signals as well as some, so give us hints that you like talking to us and hints that you are single. Give us hints that you want to talk to us after the initial meeting. You don't have to go as far as asking us out though. You'll know us by our ability to have deep conversations. If we're at parties or bars or clubs, we're often to the side sitting alone.

 

There are a lot of us, but jerks have a lot of success pushing to the front of the line so it may take a little time.

 

 

Funny how often a guy gets friendzoned when he's not sexually aggressive. Despite all this talk of women wanting to take it slowly, and sex only in relationships, no quicker way to have her lose interest is to not be sexually aggressive.

[betamanlet]

This is why I wrote step one into my post. They need to drop these jerk boyfriends quickly and have nothing to do with them anymore. Only then will they be able to date a good nice guy.

 

When looking for a man they need to treat the jerks like the jerks they are and drop them immediately and treat the nice guys nicely when they find them.

You realize this will only be done as they get older and coincidentally the bad boys start wanting younger women..

 

Your analysis ignores the fact that many women resent having to date nice guys, and treat them poorly.

[SomewhatExperienced]

I feel like I'm the kind of guy you're describing, and I've grown tired of dating too. The girls seem to be the kind who don't want to put any work into the dating process. I always have to call, I always have to make plans. Even when dates go well and it seems like this could go somewhere, I still have to do all the work (which makes me think the girls isn't really THAT interested).

 

I'm a particularly attractive guy, caring, smart, compassionate and I don't have problems finding girls who show interest, but when it comes to actual dating, it always seems that these games have to get played, and when it seems that there is a game being played, and she's not being real, then I lose alot of my interest instantly. Any time I've dated a girl who played games, it never went anywhere and I just ended up confused and hurt. The few times the girls were real were the few times that I developed meaningful relationships.

 

There are a lot of guys out there who aren't very good partners, but there's tons of girls out there who make it way too difficult to actually meet these good guys.

[engravefeelthevoid]

I identified with you....ur not finding the guy bc ur not looking....the secret is

 

"NETWORKING"

 

if guys dun know the qualities u have and dun see u how will they consider dating you ? focus on urself now and meet new people.

[St. Nick]

Threads where women complain about not finding any nice guys and being used pop up every week. I'm shocked that some of you dudes actually take them seriously and try to offer advice on getting nice guys. You'd think you guys would have figured out these women aren't serious and are most likely just ranting.

[TO_Girl]

I can tell you a few things, as stated above is a combination of a few things like networking, re assesing your wants and identifying what type of guys you have been attracting and why.

Now trust me , the last question why question is always the hardest because there are things in your subconcious that we are not even aware of or we dont want to admit it to ourselves.

I'll tell you a bit of me so you understand.

I am in my early 20s, I had 4 relationships so far. They have all been exclusive so far and they have developed fairly quickly. Meaning I go on a date, we like each other we continue dating, next thing you know we are exclusive and then we are gf/bf.

The ISSUE with my relationships is that I ALL this guys have feared commitment and at one point or the other they get scared and dessapear or they simply wont open as much. I even lived with someone for 2 years and then he just didnt want to advance any further.

 

I have obviously gotten hurt because of this, but lately it just got worse. The last two guys that I met only wanted for sex , they led me on and didnt even want to be exclusive with me. A big shocker becuase this hasnt been my pattern and I didnt know how to handle it , it discouraged me completely.

 

One night, I was thinking about all the things all this guys had in common and then I though of what I wanted and how I would feel if Mr perfect would stand in front of me and he will just magically say X I love you .

As opposed to the usual I deserve it because I am smart , pretty, sexy and educated woman, a side of my questioned my ability to love such a guy back and whether I will be able to keep him being the way I am.

 

Do you see where I'm going at? I discovered that everything boils down to my own insecurities and my thinking that I am not capable of loving and of receiving love. So I realized that subcounciously to a point I am the commitment -phobic becuase something on me thinks that I wont be able to do it and thus I have been attracting guys who are worse than me so I won't get to the part where I doubt myself and run away myself!

 

Surprinsignly I found a book that talks about the kinds of relationships that we have and what we are doing to attract them ,its called "Getting Real" by Gail Saltz.

 

Its not easy and I prob won't change my life around in two days, because this is due to all my past , childhood experiences, my own character ect.

 

But I thought I would tell you , something to think of is that most of the times subconciuously we are doing something to attract that.

 

On another note I realized that I am being too quick to give guys opportunities, I need to be more selective and pull aside the ones I know are jerks. Becuase trust me a jerk will always do something or say something that will shed his true colors.

 

This is why we need to go slow and be more self grounded so we can select better in the first place.

Edited March 3, 2010 by TO_Girl

[Johnny M]

I always give in relationships and get nothing in return. Its always about what the guy wants, but what about me? Im tired of putting 100% effort into a relationship and a guy puts in hardly any effort.Why cant I find a guy that likes me for me? Who is truly interested in getting to know me? Why is it so hard to find a man with a good heart, that is intelligent and has an open mind, who is caring and enjoys the simple things in life?

Let me rephrase your question a little: "Why am I not attracted to men who are truly interested in me and have a good heart and an open mind?" Ultimately, this is something that only you can answer.

[Alexanda]

Thanks SilkRose I like your reply.

[Alexanda]

I have a feeling you prefer dramatic badboys over nice guys. What is the commonality between all the guys you date?

 

I date a mix of nice and bad boys, Im trying to stay away from the bad boys.

[Alexanda]

I feel like I'm the kind of guy you're describing, and I've grown tired of dating too. The girls seem to be the kind who don't want to put any work into the dating process. I always have to call, I always have to make plans. Even when dates go well and it seems like this could go somewhere, I still have to do all the work (which makes me think the girls isn't really THAT interested).

 

I'm a particularly attractive guy, caring, smart, compassionate and I don't have problems finding girls who show interest, but when it comes to actual dating, it always seems that these games have to get played, and when it seems that there is a game being played, and she's not being real, then I lose alot of my interest instantly. Any time I've dated a girl who played games, it never went anywhere and I just ended up confused and hurt. The few times the girls were real were the few times that I developed meaningful relationships.

 

There are a lot of guys out there who aren't very good partners, but there's tons of girls out there who make it way too difficult to actually meet these good guys.

 

Im tired of games too, I feel your pain. Why cant people just be real?

[Alexanda]

You definitely sound exhausted! I think the reason the guys are hardly putting in the effort is because (as you mentioned) you’re the one putting in all the work. When you do that, the dynamic changes. It should be ebb and flow, give and take.

 

My suggestion is maybe take a break from dating. Take the time to really think about what YOU want in a person, in a relationship, be realistic, figure out what’s acceptable and what’s a deal-breaker. You mentioned you “don’t have to have a,b,c,d…” to me that sounds like uncertainty. Know what you want and own it!!!That's what makes you, YOU. Once you’ve thought it through, and I mean really thought it through, go back out there. (Note: You will continue to meet incompatible people, but this time you’ll be better armed to weed incompatible people out faster with minimal investment). Those that don’t match up to what you desire will fall to the wayside, making room for the person that is right for you. Just DO NOT continue to give 100% with ZERO return on investment. You will most certainly burn yourself out.

 

Thanks littlewhiterose I will definitely take your advice.

[Alexanda]

I identified with you....ur not finding the guy bc ur not looking....the secret is

 

"NETWORKING"

 

if guys dun know the qualities u have and dun see u how will they consider dating you ? focus on urself now and meet new people.

 

Good point, I will definitely meet new people, that is good because I will be moving in a few months anyways so Im sure I will have chances to meet some people.

[Alexanda]

I can tell you a few things, as stated above is a combination of a few things like networking, re assesing your wants and identifying what type of guys you have been attracting and why.

Now trust me , the last question why question is always the hardest because there are things in your subconcious that we are not even aware of or we dont want to admit it to ourselves.

I'll tell you a bit of me so you understand.

I am in my early 20s, I had 4 relationships so far. They have all been exclusive so far and they have developed fairly quickly. Meaning I go on a date, we like each other we continue dating, next thing you know we are exclusive and then we are gf/bf.

The ISSUE with my relationships is that I ALL this guys have feared commitment and at one point or the other they get scared and dessapear or they simply wont open as much. I even lived with someone for 2 years and then he just didnt want to advance any further.

 

I have obviously gotten hurt because of this, but lately it just got worse. The last two guys that I met only wanted for sex , they led me on and didnt even want to be exclusive with me. A big shocker becuase this hasnt been my pattern and I didnt know how to handle it , it discouraged me completely.

 

One night, I was thinking about all the things all this guys had in common and then I though of what I wanted and how I would feel if Mr perfect would stand in front of me and he will just magically say X I love you .

As opposed to the usual I deserve it because I am smart , pretty, sexy and educated woman, a side of my questioned my ability to love such a guy back and whether I will be able to keep him being the way I am.

 

Do you see where I'm going at? I discovered that everything boils down to my own insecurities and my thinking that I am not capable of loving and of receiving love. So I realized that subcounciously to a point I am the commitment -phobic becuase something on me thinks that I wont be able to do it and thus I have been attracting guys who are worse than me so I won't get to the part where I doubt myself and run away myself!

 

Surprinsignly I found a book that talks about the kinds of relationships that we have and what we are doing to attract them ,its called "Getting Real" by Gail Saltz.

 

Its not easy and I prob won't change my life around in two days, because this is due to all my past , childhood experiences, my own character ect.

 

But I thought I would tell you , something to think of is that most of the times subconciuously we are doing something to attract that.

 

On another note I realized that I am being too quick to give guys opportunities, I need to be more selective and pull aside the ones I know are jerks. Becuase trust me a jerk will always do something or say something that will shed his true colors.

 

This is why we need to go slow and be more self grounded so we can select better in the first place.

 

Thanks To Girl I do need to analyze my self and my past relationships.

[hats]

Alexanda,

 

What do you mean when you say you put in 100% effort and get nothing back? What kind of things are you doing?