Save me! Long story, but PLEASE read!

[toydeluxe]

I'm new here in this is my first post. I'm also at work and may cut this short......may have to right a second part later.

 

Well, what a weekend........first I go out of town to meet a friend and I'm bored from the moment I get there on. My girlfriend and I had some rocky spells, and were just starting to have a good week again, so I really wanted to stay with her; however, she had to work some over time all weekend.

On top of that, while out of town to ride fourwheelers with a friend, I got in an accident and my for wheeler also died on our ride.

So, to add injury to insult, I get home only to have my girlfriend tell me that she (from a previous conversation) still needed some time, and couldn't handle the stress of our relationship lately on top of the extra work she's taken on.

 

Now, let's backup and give you some history about all this....

 

We've been dating for three year and a couple months or more. It started out as an unsure thing, then it progressed into she loved me ALOT more than I loved her, but I slowly started to fall in love more and more as well.

During this beginning time, we went through alot in the early stages of our relationship. Not long after we began dating, her parents went through a struggle of a divorce. TO put it simple, they're both crazy, but her dad was mostly in the wrong.

To cut this shorter and put it simple, among other things, a big problem and factor in the divorce was the fact that he was grossly addicted to porn and was no longr showing love and effection to his wife. My girlfriend, we'll call her Sara for now, caught him looking at some of the dirty porn at an early age.....like 9 or so. It has been something that has bugged her for a long time and still does.

How, let's fast foward a year or so.....

Just after the divorce, she was in a bad situation living with her mom, and was already staing with me alot, so she moved in with me. We've been through alot before and since then......we had a roomate (a former friend of hers) and now live together by ourselves. uring most of this time, until recently, she's always been pretty happy and almost loved me more than I loved her. I only say this cause she has pushed marriage a little more than me.

Now, take a step backin the time period I talked about above....

when we still lived with the roomate, she found some porn on my PC one time that a friend had looked up. Se was infuriated, but after talking she let it go. After that, I'll admit that I had browsed around on some site myslef on and off. This went on for maybe a few more months ( we also had moved out from the other roomate during this time) until she found it for a 3rd or 4th time and was really upset. I finally broke down and told her that I had checked out some stuff on and off.....nothing gross like her dad or hardcore, just typical guys looking at hot women. I explained to her different reasons that guys look at porn, and that I was extremely different for her dad. I was looking as a typical curious and horny male; her dad was looking to completely replace it for a realationship and sex with his wife.

I also admitted that I had lied about it in the past when asked about. However, I explained that I was getting rid of it, including some stuff at work that she would have never known about unless I was honest. I wanted to do this to prove my honesty, to make a change, and to at least have a clear conscious. Afterwards, she said she understood and would try to regain trust.

It has been a more than a year, maybe two since this long talk. We've had some really good times and been mostly happy except for the last few months. During this last year or so, she still kept finding porn on my PC. Some of it was pop-ups, some of it was friends, and some of it I just flat out can't figure out. During this time period, she also developed a major habit of checking up on me by going through everything on the PC that would show any history of what I'd been looking at. She tried to hide this from me, but I'd always catch her......more times than she knows.

We had several emotional conversations after thsese incidents and I would try to explain to her that it wasn't me. She would usually belive me and then go on with life. There was finally one time that she was at my office and diggin through stuff. I could see her from a distance looking in the history folder; so I walked up and asked her why she was looking at the history. She immediately denied it, so I told her that I wanted her to be honest and that I wouldn't get mad. She still denied it.

 

Now, put yourself in the present, which sorta includes the last 3 months or so. We've had some deeps talks about this stuff. She say that in some ways, she doesn't even really care about the porn anymore......she say it's a matter of overall trust. She has admitted to the time I caught her above and genuinely is sorry. She also admits that she needs/wants to trus me again, but can't get herself to. She associates it some with her parents; she can't trust anyone cause she always get's hurt when she get's too close.

Now, I'll admit that I truly screwd up way back when i was really looking at stuff, and I lied, which broke her trust. However, I've done everything I can since then to fix the problem. I've completely switched systems on my computer to erase anything possible......I've spent hours upon hours trying different programs to keep out pop-ups and keep others from sending or looking at porn. I've since then, completely banned anyone from using our PC other then me and her.

Ultimately, this has turned into a big trust issue.......in some ways the porn is no longer really the issue as she says, but just trust in general.

Now, I'll explain another factor that she say is stressin her out and makng her want some time. I'll admit that I have been and still am sorta hard on her at times. I grew up in a somewhat strict home......not sheltered kind of strict, but strict at using common sense and not screwing up. I'm sorta hard on her in the same way. I kinda jump on her too much for not getting things done or slacking on other stuff. Even though slot of it has been her fault, which she admits, I shouldn't have been so hard on her. She says that when we get off the phone lately, she always feels depressed because I'll be negative and be getting on her about something.

I've really tried to correct this and have backed off alot. She say that she's even noticed this and appreciates it. However, she say that I shouldn't have to change for her so much and that I should be able to tell her how I feel.

I asked her last night if there is anybody else I should know about...........you would just have to understand how we communicate, but I can tell when she is lying, and in this type of conversation she wouldn't lie anyways.........she said no. I asked if she had any interest in any others and she said no.

The only thing that scares me in this situation is that she has a new jobright now......she's been working at a factory this summer to save some money for the next semester of med-school. She's apparently received alot of comments and people hitting on her. SHe says this has really boosted her self-esteem and made her realize that she does look good.

We talked about this, and I asked her if she needed to date other people to get it out of her system or whatever. She said she's had the urge in some ways but it's only fo a self-esteem type of thing. She say, ultimately, she loves me and really doesn't have the desire to date anyone else, kiss anyone else, have sex, or likewise. It's just sorta the "thrill-of-the-chase", I guess. Honestly, I think we've both had this feeling, but deep down, we still love each other, and still want to end up together. We've just had some really bad things happen to us that has thrown our love off track some.

 

I don't know what to think.........

PLEASE give me some replies on what I've said so far.....

I'll probally need to write more later.

 

THANKS

[toydeluxe]

Something else I didn't mention.......

You guys are probally going to really steer towards the opinion of cheating even though she really swears she's not.

 

I've noticed sh elike to masterbate alot more than before.

She never did masterbate early in life. About a year ago, for some reason, I suggested getting a vibrator.....I think cause she's a horny person, and just to relax her and have fun. She was skeptical at first and very embarrassed. She's still embarrassed a little, but she sure seems to like it. I felt really stupid the other day when she said she needed new batteries. It was kinda funny at the moment, but afterwards, I felt like a jackass, kinda.

 

I have a really bad feeling about what kinda advice I'm going to get. It's really hard to explain all the angles of this relationship and I've probally left out alot.

However, please start giving me some responses and I'll address issues as they're pointed out and add more as I can think of things.

 

PLEASE you all, HELP me out. I'm home from work right now, and I've really started to notice how beautiful she is.....I think she's starting to show having lost some weight.......it's driving me nuts. I want to at least just hold her! I'm miserable!

HELP!

[Just A Girl2]

First of all, she sounds like she just has way too many issues.....that likely DO stem from her parents.....but it seems to me she's taken this "trust" thing to an extreme..and she somehow expects you to be PERFECT, which is hardly realistic.

 

The way she was constantly snooping around on your home PC and *WORK PC* (what balls!), checking your history files.....if she's going to talk about the issue of trust, then let's talk about the issue of respect. You obviously cared about her a great deal, to have gone to such major lengths to ensure there was not a smidgen of porn on your PC......It's commendable, but it verges on her being a control-freak, and you being too passive.

 

Doesn't sound like you were the big porno-dog....just the odd browse which is pretty darn normal for a guy. She went totally overboard, acting more like a "watchful mother" than a girlfriend. I think a lot of guys would have told her to take a flying leap for her being so "hovering" and controlling. Nobody has a right to control another person. Nobody.

 

If she's got these sh*tloads of issues with trust, that's really not your problem, it's hers. She has to identify the problem and do something about it..and if that means seeking professional therapy or whatever, then it needs to be done. Before long, you're going to start feeling like an ex-con on parole; always being watched and judged. That's a crock. Life and relationships shouldn't be this harsh, and similar to being in freakin' boot camp, with a drill Sgt for a partner.

 

Now, I'll explain another factor that she say is stressin her out and makng her want some time. I'll admit that I have been and still am sorta hard on her at times. I grew up in a somewhat strict home......not sheltered kind of strict, but strict at using common sense and not screwing up. I'm sorta hard on her in the same way. I kinda jump on her too much for not getting things done or slacking on other stuff. Even though slot of it has been her fault, which she admits, I shouldn't have been so hard on her. She says that when we get off the phone lately, she always feels depressed because I'll be negative and be getting on her about something.

 

Sounds like you're 2 different personality-types when it comes to motivation and being responsible and getting things done. I can totally understand where you're coming from because I'm the same way you are.....I lose patience w/ people who don't have much common sense, and who leave everything til the last minute, have no ambition to take the bull by the horns and just get the job done (whatever the job is)......Past brief relationships with doofus-brains who had about as much common sense as a lint-trap have taught me that I simply have to be with someone who's more on my wavelenght because otherwise, I lose patience with them and I admit, I can be quite snippy at times, mostly out of frustration. That might be your problem here....in this regard.....you're both just so different here.

 

What ages are you both?

 

As for the masturbation thing, couldn't help ya there..I'm assuming it's with her vibrator? Hey, those things are fun....maybe she just really enjoys is? How is your sex life? has it decreased or changed at all?

 

JAG2

[clia]

I'm not real clear on what kind of advice you are looking for.

 

Are you asking if you should let her date others to rid herself of the "thrill of the chase" feeling, or if you should do the same? (I think if either one of you are feeling that way, that feeling isn't going to go away, and you should listen to it and do what you need to do.)

 

Are you asking what we think about her snooping? (I think it is total BS and I can't believe you put up with it.)

 

Are you asking what we think about you looking at porn on the Internet? (I think it was kind of crappy for you to do that to her when you knew it was a major factor in her parents' marriage breaking up, and thus a huge sorespot for her.)

 

Are you asking if we think you should stay together? (I have no clue based on what you wrote.)

 

I just don't know what you want...you told us a lot, but all you did was ask for a reply. Well, reply to what specifically? Give me some specifics, and I'll be more than happy to share my opinion!

[toydeluxe]

Clia and just a girl,

I really appreciate your opinions and will take anymore if you have them.

I am sorta asking if we should stay together or date around first......but read way below before you answer.

 

Clia, to answer you questions.....well first of, I already got some of the answers....

You both think it's BS that she's snooped around on me.

You , CLia think it's BS that I looked at the porn.......I totally agree that waswrong of me and have taken full blame......I very much ashamed of myself.

As to your comment, Just a Girl, about her be a doofus or whatever.....she's actually an extremely intelligent person, and has more common sense then most people. It's just that she doesn't have the ambition and motivation in SOME areas that I do. I say that because she is tackling a really tough nursing degree right now, and I think she has alot of motivation there. Therefore, it'd be wrong to say she has no motivation at at all.

 

 

NOW!!!!!!!!!! NEW NEWS!

 

I'm absolutely sick to my stomach right now........I'm in an hour early to work, and feel like throwing up asfter last night's events.

Last night, I tried to be really sweet and flirt with her because she's been wanting us to have that same fun attitude with each other again. Sunday night, we had the conversation that I already told you about, and she said she needed a "week off from our relationship". I asked her what she meant and she just wanted the pressure of our relationship off for a week......she said in other words that we wouldn't call and ask when the other was coming home and wouldn't be obligated to do anything together in specifics. However, last night, we ended up together anyways. We went to my parents house to do some laundry and got along fine. We didn't talk about the previous conversation....we just acted like basic friends because I figured if it's this simple, I'd just give her some space this week.

On the way home, I couldn't help but flirt with her some. She kinda acted like she didn't notice, but I she really did. We got home and she was switching around some makeup in her bag. I stopped her and hugged her, and told her that I already was missing her, especially since I had been gone the weekend before and been busy at work the prior week. I told her that this would be hard, but I'd leave her be if she wanted. She said "It's only a week". I asked if she missed kissing or cuddling or anything and f she still loves me and she said " yes", but she still need a week off from us. I sat next to her flirted some more, and kissed on her neck/shoulder a couple times, and then went into the bedroom to do some work on my laptop.

We later went to bed together and everything felt fine. I sorta even joked about her week off and she joked as well, and we really got along good.

Then however something in the conversation led me to ask her the terms of this "week off" since she never fully explained before. SHe wouldn't totally answer me straight, so I had to keep bugging her with questions that she would answer. I asked her if this meant she could flirt with other people or even kiss them. She didn't really answer about kissing, but said she would flirt with others if the situation arose. I then asked if she had flirted or any intereste at work.....there was silence.......I asked if she needed to break up with me, so she could ersue someone in particular.....there was silence. I finally asked her if she had any desire to kiss anyone ro date anyone at work. After a pause, she said that she did..........she said a guy she's worked with asked her what was wrong and she apprently told him that we had broke up the night before. Later on inthe day, she said he sorta attempted to kiss her and she wanted to but they didn't.

 

After this, I felt sick as hell......I told her alot of my feelings, and wee talked for about twenty more minutes about fixing things and what we should do. She then stopped me and said she needed to confess something............they DID kiss. She said that he leaned into her and made a quick peck and then they walked away. They suppossedly never spoke for the rest of the day. she said she felt really guilty afterwards, and that she didn't expect it to happen or mean or it to happen, but it did. Then after being so nice to her later that night, she felt awful and had no more interest in him, because I had apprently made her feel good again that night for the first time in awhile. SHe felt like maybe things would turn around, and she would wait a couple days, and then tell me.

We talked till 3am about this and batted ideas back and forth. She swears nothing else happened and nothing else with any other guy shas happened. I guess it was that curiosity thing, which had been satified in a way.

 

Now, the question is, do we try to fix things, and see if feelings have been satified, and slowly start dating again, or do I break up with her, or what.

I think she genuinely was honest in the end......i think she really wants to fix things, but doesn't trust herself either. I think I should be mad at that guy, but she says it's her fault cause she tld him the broke up. (Honestly, I could have been in his shoes very easily) I think she won't mess with him again, because there's too much negative now.

 

What do I do.....what should i think??? I really should dump her, but we've been through so much together and built alot together, and want to fix what we might still have.

[Just A Girl2]

First of all, you should dump her solely on the fact that she told another guy she'd broken up with you. What the hell was that about? Is her idea of taking a "week long break" synonymous with breaking up, so that she can kiss someone else?

 

you want to be with someone who controls you like a drill sargeant (the porn crap, which is unbelievable in itself), who now goes around telling guys she works with (and obviously spends a fair bit of time with, whenyou're not there) that she's no longer with you, and she's sucking face withthem?

 

And all this flirting you've done....the huggy kissy stuff....that's not going to save your relationship.

 

Your gal has made it clear she wants to pursue other guys...wants some freedom.....regardless of good times in the past, this is NOW. Have some self respect and don't continue wasting your time and feelings on someone who's going around portraying herself as a single, available girl, and kissing on other guys.

[toydeluxe]

I appreciate the advice.......keep it coming.

She did only let it be a peck.....they didn't try to keep it on.

 

She said she felt very guilty and feels even guilty....that it was totally unexpected and just happened.

She says she doesn't have any problem with the porn anymore, but that she just wants me to be honest with her about it. i can respect that.

[clia]

Stop making excuses for her.

 

This feeling she has where she wants space and wants to date other people is not going to just disappear. Even if you work things out for, say, the next month, these feelings she has will still be there. (I've been exactly in her shoes.)

 

It sounds to me like your relationship is headed toward "over" if it is not there already.

 

Give her the space she needs by breaking up with her. (Unless, of course, you want to prolong this, and want to deal with her kissing other guys and thinking about other guys.) Women generally do not "need space" spontaneously. It is usually the result of lots of thinking and analyzing the situation. If she's off cheating on you (because that is what she did, no matter how guilty she feels), then she clearly feels that it is over and/or something is missing.

 

Move on...you'll be better off for it in the long run.

[toydeluxe]

I talked to her on a her break around 9am. She apologized again and says seh feels horrible. I also talked to some friends to.......they say that it's human for who to do what she did since you guys were broke up in a round about way.

She says that after this incident, she's lost the desire for others and she wants me back. I told her "NO" I told her that she's definitely ognna get her week long break whether she wants it or not now. I'lll try to go out and have fun this wee in the mean time.

However, I will re-assess things after a week and ask her how she feels. If she hasn't messed around anymore and still wants me badly, should consider trying to let her get me back???

I have decided that this has turned around.,........it's no longer a matter of me trying to win her back. I've admitted my guilts in the past, and promised to try and treat her better. Now she has to win ME back.

 

Do I let her?

[pleasehelpme]

obviously you love her still very much. my advice would be not to be blinded by this feeling of love and to analyze the situation where it stands. don't play games, this one week thing in my opinion, is a dumb game to play - either it is ON or it is NOT. communication is the key to any working relationship. taking a week off from communication is just like saying there is a possibility that you are gonna break up. what if after this week, she tells you that it is over? how would you feel after that? you have to ask yourself whether or not you still want her in your life. don't lie to yourself either, consider the things she has done to you and weigh them against the things she has done for you.

think long and hard, i guess. you have a week

 

~mike

[toydeluxe]

I feel sick to my stomach......I can already tell I'm going to lose weight while this is going on.

I miss her so much already. Tonight she is staying with a friend.....it's hard to bare this. The only good thing is that her friend is in a big relationship, so they won't be going out to pickup guys.

Yes, I really do love her SO SO SO much! SHe means everything to me. I should hate her and be mad, but for some stupid reason, I won't to put this behind us and move on.

I'm so depressed right now.....I've not been this way in a long time. I've lost family members and not felt this horrible.

I really want to get her back. Like I said before, she should really be the one to try and get me back. However, she says she doesn't know what her feelings are and she doesn't want to do this to me again.

I want her to fall in love with me all over again. I want to hold her right now so much. I have almost no friends to got o right now really. I don't want to go to my parents right now, cause I don't wanr them to have a bad opinion......especially if this works out and we think again about marriage. (obviously far down the road at this point).

I'm alone at home right now, and have nobody to talk to......this is miserable.

[doc555]

You need to worry about yourself. I am going through the similar thing. I have taken a step back and am giving space. The more i think about it the more i wonder "Do I want this crap?" I am going back to school and going for my MBA. I am going to focus on myself. If she wants to get back together with you put down some ground rules or this will all happen again. I know it sucks and makes you sick. I threw up at work when someone metioned she could be having sex with another guy. I do love her. But, I love her enough to let her go.

[toydeluxe]

I hear ya there. I told her today that I loved hr but would support whatever she decided. We haven't moved away from each other cause it would hurt her prett bad financially. I still really want to help her out even if it's just as friends.

I'm not sure what she's decide.....it's a matter of whether she still has the curiosity to date around or not still.

One good thing is that she's staying this week with a friend who has a boyfriend, so I now their not out scouting for guys. They stayed in last night and watched a movie together, and supposedly they're doing the same tonight.

As much as I don't want to, I need to let her go and make her own mind. I'm afraid maybe I shouldn't have made the comment that I'm here if she wants me back. Women can sometimes be sorta reverse pyschology.......if she was unsure if I'd be here for her, she's probally want me. However, sh knows I'm here, so she can always have me on the "back burner", so to speak.

I don't know what to think......I love her, I want her to be happy. It makes me sick to think that being with someone else will make her happy, but if it's that way, then so be it.

I am happy that I was actually able to eat today.......i was terrible this morning, but then she called and was sweet. That helped alot just hearing her voice. I still have some really rough nights ahead though. I've always had her since I've lived on my own. it will be weird living alone with out her if things work out that way.

Overall, I think it's about a 50/50 chance. I think she knows that I can treat her good and that we've made some good memories together.

I'm glad you wrote me......I noticed your posting and planned to keep an eye on what people said. I should have left my posting short and sweet, but I felt like people needed to know the big picture and all the details.

Let me know how things go with you or if you have any other suggestions. Thanks

[toydeluxe]

Well, there's a couple posts I haven't had time to make and alot has happened.

First, I'd like to express my concern and thoughts to Doc5555 for the rough time he i shaving and for having lost his love. i think you'll get through it and things will work out, Doc.

 

Well, that most recent update to this is actually on Doc's post, but I figured I'd wrap up the story here.

Wednsday, I left some nice things in Tammy's car for her and apparently it was a major plus. I talk to the girl she's been staying with for this week, and she said that I did really good by doing as I did and that Tammy talked about it for half an hour.

 

Then last night, she invited me over for dinner. That went really good, as best I can tell. For the first time since this started, we weree actually very cuddly. We hugged and kissed a couple times, and sat together through a movie after dinner. She said that she still loves me and misses me. I didn't poke or prod this time as to whether she has any weird feeling still, as I think that she will probally make her mind soon enough. I think we're almost definitely getting back together; however, she still needs to make sure she doesn't have any curiosities left, before we get really serious again. I think for now, it will sorta be like starting to date all over again.

Hopefully this will work. If not, i at least wont' be beating myself up for the past mistakes. If she needs space again, or still wants to date other people, than it will be the right thing for the both of us. Until then, I think deep down, we're still in love and want to re-build what we had.

 

I appreciate everyone's thoughts on this topic and all the help and support given.