dating with kids

[TheKat23]

I could really use some help here because I’m just so lost. I’ve been divorced over a year now and I live alone with my four children. The oldest is thirteen and herein lays the problem. I have been dating “VJ” for about 6 months now. He’s amazing and I’m really into the guy. He’s cool about kids obviously and is just fine with hanging out at my place and the constant chaos and disorder that’s my life. He claims he wants in he loves them and wants to help. He buys stuff for them, takes them to friends, plays with the youngest, helps out you know. Sounds perfect right? But it’s so not. My oldest daughter hates him. She’s rude to him says the meanest things and outright says she doesn’t want him around he’s “another person telling me what to do”.

It embarrasses me and I am sure it embarrasses him. I’ve tried to talk to her but she just does the crying dramatics and storms off like I’ve done something so terribly wrong. She’s a good kid I don’t want to play her off like this terrible teen. The other kids liked him at first, but now claim they don’t but use her reasons.

At first I never told him even though it was very obvious. She says he lectures but the instance she is talking about involved her friend offering her a certain drug while he was here and he just told her about quality of friends and why she wouldn’t want to do the drug. (shrooms) it wasn’t a lecture it was him saying what happened when he was young and did those types of things. Long story short I ended up sending VJ away. I made up this terrible excuse to break up with him. Not just to make her happy, but because her obvious dislike for him created tension in our relationship. (Mine and VJ’s) He wants to be together again and I miss him so much. I finally told him why and that she didn’t like him and it made things hard. It’s creating tension between the children and its creating tension between VJ and me. I don’t know what to do? I want everyone to be happy and I won’t pursue a relationship with someone if it makes my children upset, but does this in turn mean I am going to be along forever? Will anyone I date ever be good enough? Do I just sit alone the rest of my life while this guy I love and doesn’t mind this full family he’s taking on slips away? Can you help

[New_Life08]

It's about boundaries. And...yes we need to set them with our kids too. I am a single mother of 3. my oldest is 14 and youngest is 9. I have been dating someone for 8 months, and there has been some tensions between everyone.

 

We cannot allow our kids to dictate who we date or love. If we allow it they will find something wrong with anyone who comes into our life. Of course it is uncomfortable for them, but they need to get used to the idea that you are going to have adult relationships.

 

 

The thing is we love our kids and want what is best for them. But they will always want it to be just "mom and me" so they have our constant attention; it's natural. I have told my kids that nothing will ever come between my relationship with them and I deserve to have an adult relationship in my life. I also told them if EVER the man I am dating makes them feel uneasy to let me know and I will deal with that.

 

I just think it is a mistake to break it off with anyone simply because our kids don't want to share us.