how to say thanks but no thanks?

[hopesndreams]

I've been doing the online dating thing now for roughly 2 months and always managed to get a new date (new man) by the time the weekend rolls round.

 

I especially enjoy when there is no "chemistry" for both of us, because I know for fact the guy won't call or message me again. Unfortunately, there comes a time, when the guy has more interest in me than I want him to have and I dread when he will ask me out again. Once, when this happened, I sent the guy an email explaining that I was sorry, but I realize that things wouldn't work out, and even though I enjoyed his company, I just wasn't ready for another relationship. Truth be known, I am ready for another relationship---I just wasn't into him but couldn't tell him.

 

Now, when I have the interest and the guy doesn't, it doesn't hurt my feelings in the slightest when he doesn't call me again. Why is it that guys need an explanation? Why is it wrong for the woman to just ignore him like he would have done to her if he had no interest?

 

So, it's happened again. I need to let someone down in the kindest, possible way without hurting his feelings. From experience, the email route doesn't work because the guy took it badly and practically begged me to give him another chance. Is this common? It made me feel horrible.

 

What to do? Suggestions?

[boogieboy]

Tell the truth, youre not tryin to spare the guys feelings, youre trying to spare your feelings. Lies like that are just beneath contempt. Remember that when you want to type that in an email. So if your going to lie to the guy, then admit that you dont want to deal with your guilt, and his feelings really dont matter.

 

Your problem is you think youre hurting a guys feelings after one date. Youre not. They dont get THAT attached. And since you wont see him again, you dont have to worry what he thinks of you. If your feelings dont get hurt if you dont get a callback, why would you think anyone elses would after 1 date?

 

What you seem to not realize that youre doing is youre making yourself look like a crazy woman who is on a dating site lying about not wanting a relationship. Everyone on there knows you want a relationship, but are too immature to tell someone that youre not interested in THEM. Guys just want the truth.

 

You dont have to let a guy down kindly. Guys dont like to be lied to, let alone coddled. Guys get let down constantly, so you wont be doing anything new. The reason guys need a reason is because guys are the aggressors, so they are naturally more aggressive and want to know whether or not they have a chance. Some guys can take the ignore as a hint, some dont get it. SO to end it all without hassle, just tell the truth. Theres no reason for you to feel guilty about it. They know not everyone will like them.

 

If you say "i enjoyed your company..." Youre just keeping the door open for them to keep trying, never do that. Many guys dont speak hint, so they wont see that as a turndown. They see it as "I should keep trying until she tells me straight up no."

 

So when youre not interested in a guy, you tell him.."Sorry I realized Im not interested in you, I need to find someone I feel is a better match for me."

 

Then if they keep emailing you after that you can ignore them.

Edited October 26, 2009 by boogieboy

[hopesndreams]

So when youre not interested in a guy, you tell him.."Sorry I realized Im not interested in you, I need to find someone I feel is a better match for me."

 

How about, "We need to find someone that would be a better match for us." Is that kinder? I can't just tell him I'm not interested, it seems so mean.

 

I do agree with the immaturity on my part. I am very new at this sort of thing, the last time I serial dated I was in my teens. I'm in my 40's now.

[alphamale]

What to do? Suggestions?

with men you have to be direct. say: "i'm sorry but there was no romantic connection on my part..."

 

embelish it whichever way you want but be direct and firm

[boogieboy]

 

How about, "We need to find someone that would be a better match for us." Is that kinder? I can't just tell him I'm not interested, it seems so mean.

.

 

No, because youre still lying. You dont care who he finds. Once again, youre lying for YOU and not THEM. If you cant deal with your own guilt, then dont date online. Theres no reason for you to feel guilty about turning them down, especially since you could care less how they feel. Guys want the absolute truth.

 

After a few times, it wont seem mean to you anymore. You just have to get used to it, then you will understand the logic. Cmon, youre 40!!! You should have enough practice under your belt to be able to tell a guy in person that its not going to work without feeling bad. Youre not supposed to feel bad after a 1st date that doesnt work for you.

 

Theyre guys, you dont need to be KIND, you need to be TRUTHFUL. You dont care what the guys want, you should be able to tell them straight up.

 

If the lie is only for YOU and not for THEM, then it has nothing to do with them. You should be able to cut that whole thing out.

 

Why do you put such guilt on your own head?

[Johnny M]

with men you have to be direct. say: "i'm sorry but there was no romantic connection on my part..."

 

embelish it whichever way you want but be direct and firm

Or, if you want to soften the blow a bit, say something like: "I'm sorry, you seem like a great guy, but we just don't have much in common".

[carhill]

I'm in my 40's now.

 

If you're responding to and dating men in your age group (I'm 50), we've seen and heard it all. Be yourself and be direct. If there's no joy, there's no joy. Seriously. I respect women who know what they want and communicate it, even if I am emphatically not it. I've gained some good female friends over the years after such honest discourse. Try it. I think, especially when you find the 'right' guy, it will help you immensely. Best wishes

[BCCA]

The funny thing is, no matter how you say it, rejection is rejection. If you say it once, clearly, that should be it (or you would be well within your rights to completely ignore them), but when you say all this fluff you dont mean, youre just confusing everyone, and guys are going to have to be told over and over, or youll eventually just say it plainly.

 

YOU arent interested, end of story. Leave it at that, there isnt a lot of room for interpretation there. Everyone knows the line about not looking to date makes no sense when youre on a dating site, so dont lie and make it look like the guy is retarded.

[alphamale]

Or, if you want to soften the blow a bit, say something like: "I'm sorry, you seem like a great guy, but we just don't have much in common".

no, something better would be "i'm sorry, you seem like a great guy, but I just don't have that much in common with you and it'll be a cold day in hell when your erect penis comes within a foot of my warm and moist vagina"

[Johnny M]

no, something better would be "i'm sorry, you seem like a great guy, but I just don't have that much in common with you and it'll be a cold day in hell when your erect penis comes within a foot of my warm and moist vagina"

That kinda implies that she likes to take it up the @ss...

[hopesndreams]

I really did like him as a person, that's not a lie and I do care about what happens to him. Honestly, his looks turned me off, nothing else. That makes me shallow. Something I don't want to be.

 

He did look like his pics and wasn't shocked when seeing him in person for the 1st time, but when he smiled his teeth were truly disgusting and had to turn away.

 

I do struggle with guilt in practically every aspect of my life, shouldn't be surprised that this is no different.

 

From reading the replies, the right thing must be done and there is no easy way out of this.

[boogieboy]

Ok see, a guy like that has had friend tell him a woman would like him for him no matter what his teeth look like. The reason he doesnt FIX them is because none of you women that go on dates with him are brave enough to tell him that his teeth are a dealbreaker. I wouldnt call it shallow, bad teeth are disturbing.

 

Tell him the truth, that his teeth turned you off. If you care for him like you say you do, you will be doing him a great service, because then he might consider doing something about it. He'll probably thank you. Do something for him that the other women wouldnt do, cuz they prolly told him the same lie you were about to tell him. Thats why hes single probably.

[stepka]

I'm a woman so don't know if this will help, but when a man tries to "soften the blow" it hurts worse than if he had leveled with me, b/c it implies that I can't handle rejection and usually it doesn't come out sounding quite right. Not sure if I'm explaining that right, but softening the blow comes out sounding more antagonistic than just a simple, "Sorry, but I don't think we're a match."