too awkward to talk?

[ebab83]

Right, 2 years ago i met a very nice guy. Everyone thinks he is fantastic, gets on with everyone, charity work as his job etc. He is also very awkward and shy, more so than any other guy i've ever met. I'm quite the opposite.

we clicked together straight away. I text him for a few months being flirty, and it took him a long time to even be like that back...when he was, it was a very subtle thing, usually subtle double meanings. I'd always be the first one to make contact.

 

Eventually he would text first continuing our previous conversations. He always said we would meet up but i knew he was too shy to do it, so i told him to meet me after work one day and said i was on my way, leaving him no choice. He did meet me, and was unbelievably nervous. We took a drive to the beach and we got flirty, i leaned to kiss him and he pecked me on the cheek (not the kind of thing i was looking for). I felt awkward so i left it there. We did however do other things that night, but not sex.

 

On the drive home he dropped into conversation how he doesn't like relationships etc. I knew this didn't mean he was in it for just sex either though, as i had been told by various friends how badly hurt he had been before. He hadn't had another girl in his life for four years before me. I didn't want a relationship either, i had been burned too many times before too. I also stated this to him. We carried on texting and he eventually started calling me a lot and we got even closer. He made me smile instantly and i wanted things to go further, but following our discussion where we had both stated we didnt want relationships, i felt i would seem hypocritical, almost like i had tricked him.

 

We would see each other once every two months and twice more things happened, but no kisses. It was always me starting the physical things off. One night when we were both very drunk, he kissed me. Although this was what i had wanted i wondered why it had only happened when he was drunk. Maybe he had more courage? Or maybe he was wanting sex?

I never spoke to him about how i felt but made it obvious ( or so i thought i was ) by always complimenting him and telling him how much i wanted to see him, how much he made me smile etc.

 

Just over a year later i began to feel very frustrated that i didnt know what was going on or how he felt, all i could go by was the way he always contacted me, and how shy he still was around me. After taking advice from a friend i bit the bullet and text 'sometimes it's difficult to tell if you like me or not'. He didn't text back for hours, so i panicked and text again apologizing for putting him in an awkward position. He did text back this time saying 'I'm so sorry. my head is just a mess. I'm really sorry. i know I've been an idiot.'

 

I was so taken aback, i called him to get some explanation. He told me on the phone how we were better as friends etc. I said i didn't think he was the type of guy to be doing things with me sexually if he didn't have feelings, to which he replied 'I'm not.' His reasoning was he thought at the time he did have feelings. i asked if they had now gone and he said 'no'. The whole conversation didn't make sense still. I didn't exactly pick a good time to ask as his friend had died a week before and i knew he was not so great. He was very teary on the phone and genuinely apologetic. I felt like maybe he was scared to tell me he felt something.

 

so i left it two weeks and text saying if he ever changed his mind about us he should let me know. He promised he would. He went very quiet with me after that. I couldn't work out whether it was shame, as this really was something out of character for him, or whether he just didn't want to even be friends. A few months went by and i sent a text saying 'I'm so sorry if i messed things up, but know that i really liked having you in my life. thank you for all the times you made me smile. '. He responded and said he had just been busy etc, obviously not the truth, but he did put a slight bit more effort into speaking with me.

 

A festival was coming up and a week before it, i text to ask if he was going to be there and if so who with. I got a text back saying 'yes, with my girlfriend.how are you?'. This knocked me for six. Where did she come from? More importantly why hadn't he told me? Why had he just hurt me so much when he wouldn't usually hurt a fly? I ranted at him a little, and told him I'd lost respect for him, and that i would like an explanation. As soon as the festival was over he text to say he would come and see me to talk. It had been 6 months by this point since i had last seen him.

 

He did come over, it was extremely awkward but he let me talk about how hurt i had been, and unfortunately i cried a lot. He told me that back when he said we should just be friends he did have feelings for me, apparently this messed him up, as he didn't want to have feelings for anyone. He said he had decided he needed to distance himself from me. In the meantime he had decided to get his act together and stop running away. He met a girl and he decided he should not fear relationships, so they got together. He said they had been together about 3 months by this point. I asked what made her more special, he told me she wasn't. i asked how he could feel so much for me and then not to so quickly, and he replied then with i didn't stop having feelings'. I told him that i wished he would have just dealt with them, and someday he would owe me a sober kiss!

 

He seemed genuinely so ashamed about everything he had done. Kept telling me she wasn't better than me, he didn't like her more than he had me. It's now been 3 months since then and I've tried to keep up the charade i am ok with this. We don't speak as much, but mainly as i have stopped myself from contacting him, even though i miss him every day. In the last two weeks he has started to speak to me more again, saying how he will come and visit soon, but when he called me today i mentioned a concert, and asked if he was going, he said yes, and i said 'i don't want to know who with do i?', he said 'no'.

 

So they are still together, which is longer than i ever thought it would have lasted between them, he works 6days a week and works shifts. i thought she would get fed up of hardly seeing him or something. The concert isn't until another three months away and i am finding it hard to deal with that they are making plans for that far away. I am also scared that the longer he is with her the less he will feel for me (if he does feel anything).

My best friend asked me if i had told this guy how i feel, well, in ways i have, but not to come right out and say that my feelings are so deep i feel like i could easily love him. I am very sure this guy knows how i feel. Being how shy and awkward he is, and the fact we had such an upsetting time last time i saw him, is it even worth me telling him? What does anyone make of this? I feel like he still has feelings but being the person he is, i feel like he would see 'the right thing to do' as not to mess me around anymore, or to hurt this girl. I really want him in my life, but need to know what i can do. what would make a difference?

[stace79]

I think you should back off. I think he cares about you as a friend, but he doesn't like you as a girlfriend. Maybe he is just too nice to tell you that because he still would like to be friends; maybe he just can't stand to hurt people's feelings (like me).

 

But he doesn't want to be with you, or he would be with you. There is no double meaning behind his words. He is with this other girl -- you should leave him alone and move on for yourself.

[ebab83]

I think you are probably right there BUT he hurt my feelings enough with getting a girlfriend out of the blue, is that really any better than just saying he wants to be friends?

 

If this is true why did he say he did have feelings? I have backed off in terms of contact with him, and from the moment he said he didn't want anything else I haven't tried. I just wanted him to explain what had happened as i did feel betrayed by a friend.

 

Basically what i don't get are his actions all the way through...things happening with us, getting with someone he hardly knows when he didn't want a relationship and it wasn't in his nature. What were lies and what weren't really?!

 

Why does he get in touch when i have taken steps back?

[stace79]

I broke up with someone with whom I was very close. It killed me for him to keep asking me how I could say I loved him a week ago but want to break up with him. He wanted me to tell him I didn't love him anymore. It hurt me so much -- I didn't want to do that. But I just knew we were not right for each other.

 

Even after we broke up, I was torn up over hurting him, so I called him once in awhile to see how he was doing. I also did miss talking to him because he was my best friend for so long.

 

You can't always know what people are thinking or why they act crazy or stupid, but you know that being near him or close to him after he's hurt you is not going to help you.

 

I think you are probably right there BUT he hurt my feelings enough with getting a girlfriend out of the blue, is that really any better than just saying he wants to be friends?

 

If this is true why did he say he did have feelings? I have backed off in terms of contact with him, and from the moment he said he didn't want anything else I haven't tried. I just wanted him to explain what had happened as i did feel betrayed by a friend.

 

Basically what i don't get are his actions all the way through...things happening with us, getting with someone he hardly knows when he didn't want a relationship and it wasn't in his nature. What were lies and what weren't really?!

 

Why does he get in touch when i have taken steps back?

[ebab83]

Maybe a lesson learned here is all that does is prolong the hope.

 

I'm amazed at how often i get it wrong.

 

I guess it's a blessing i don't see him often. Hopefully I'll be big enough to deal with it and have him around as he is such a good person.