"Speak now, or forever hold your peace..."

[tigressA]

My best guy friend, the one I've adored for two and a half years, is spending time with his ex again and things are looking like they could be getting back together officially. Last time we spoke it seemed like he had finished with her altogether. Not so, now. I have to finally tell him that I have feelings for him or risk losing my chance for another month, another year, perhaps forever. We're seeing each other for lunch on Tuesday; I plan on telling him then--that is, if he's not officially back with her by then.

 

I do know that I'm willing to not be his friend anymore in order to be able to finally get this out of my system and really move on with my life without any more "What ifs". What I don't know is what I should say/how I should say it. I'm afraid I'll become a total spaz and start sobbing in the middle of it all; I'd like to try and keep my composure, keep it short and sweet. Any ideas?

[lordWilhelm]

If he's been your friend for two and a half years and there hasn't been anything romantic going on, he's going to feel like it's coming out of the blue. I think especially for a guy he needs to initiate things or he'll be really surprised by this.

[tigressA]

Well, we did casually date/hook up soon after we first met, for several months. Sorry, should've included that. And last year we had hooked up again a couple of times when I was on a break with my now-ex.

[sally4sara]

Sounds to me like the two of you have never really been friends but rather obstacles to each others efforts to have successful relationships with the people you've both dated since knowing each other.

 

You are each others excuse for not committing to the relationships you pretend to have. And those relationships fail because of the problems you cause each other. It is a cycle the two of you have gotten stuck in.

 

You don't like or respect each other enough to try for a serious relationship together either.

[Soul Bear]

honesty is the best policy. If you are going to tell him then just be straight up about it, not overbearing, just be cool and calm. im sure you will get an answer either way. Although you could have picked a better time... IF he is interested, he will have a lot on his plate to chose between his old flame or his 'friend' ...

food for thought

[tigressA]

Although you could have picked a better time... IF he is interested, he will have a lot on his plate to chose between his old flame or his 'friend' ...

food for thought

 

Yeah, that's what I thought, but at the same time I had no idea until I talked to him today that he had sort-of started things up with his ex again. I figure since they're not "officially" back together yet, there's nothing for me to feel bad about there. Plus I can't stand his ex; she's a...well, I have choice words to describe her that I can't put here...if he were officially back with her I would just keep my trap shut and try my best to forget about it, but he isn't. I'm close to having that happen though; I feel like my hand has been forced and "the time is now", you know?

[WTRanger]

I say go for it. Life is too short to not let someone know how you feel. If you think about it, either way is going to lead to complications. If you don't tell him, you will drive yourself insane with the what-if's and hold onto hope with an iron grip. If you do tell him, and if he reacts in a negative manner then things will still be complicated. So really, if you really look at it you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Even a loss is a gain.

 

The key in this matter is to be sure you are ready for how he may respond. We all say that we are ready to hear what we do not want to hear, but are you really ready? Only you can answer that truthfully. If you think you are ready to hear the worst case scenario, then go for it. I think if you do this and even if it doesn't go the way you want it to, a year from now you'll look back and be glad you did this. You've to got be honest with yourself too. More than likely, this won't end well or at least the way you want it to. Are you ready for that?

 

I wouldn't say it's either this or no friendship. I think the ultimatum may send him on a super defensive posture. I'd word that a bit differently. I would say that you should tell him that if he doesn't decide to pursue you, then you'll need time and space to get your feelings in order. You've got to understand what he's losing and he's got to understand what you're losing. If there is mutual understanding, no matter what happens it will work out. The universe has a strange way of unfolding itself.

[lordWilhelm]

I'd be wary of this dating/breaking up cycle. If it didn't work in the past, why would it work now? However, as the previous poster said if you really feel like there's something that would be different this time around you might as well put it out to him rather than worry over all the what-ifs.

[tigressA]

The key in this matter is to be sure you are ready for how he may respond. We all say that we are ready to hear what we do not want to hear, but are you really ready? Only you can answer that truthfully. If you think you are ready to hear the worst case scenario, then go for it. I think if you do this and even if it doesn't go the way you want it to, a year from now you'll look back and be glad you did this. You've to got be honest with yourself too. More than likely, this won't end well or at least the way you want it to. Are you ready for that?

 

I wouldn't say it's either this or no friendship. I think the ultimatum may send him on a super defensive posture. I'd word that a bit differently. I would say that you should tell him that if he doesn't decide to pursue you, then you'll need time and space to get your feelings in order. You've got to understand what he's losing and he's got to understand what you're losing. If there is mutual understanding, no matter what happens it will work out. The universe has a strange way of unfolding itself.

 

I'm actually expecting the worst-case scenario, especially because of the timing of it all. I really just feel like I have to get this off my chest so that I can be done with "holding onto hope"--I have never found out how he feels about me; I don't know if he would ever want to be with me or not. That's basically what this is for; I'm not expecting or hoping that he'll suddenly realize feelings for me and that we'll be together--though it would be nice, of course.

 

About the "no friendship"--I wasn't planning on telling him that way, giving him an ultimatum. I would've just said something like, "I can understand if you would be too uncomfortable to maintain a friendship with me now" or whatever.

 

I thought about my main points that I want to get across and they are:

 

1. I have feelings for him.

2. I have had them for a long time.

3. I never said anything before because I was afraid of losing him as a friend.

4. I thought I was okay with just being his friend this whole time, but I never really was, and I won't be until I get this off my chest and know once and for all how he feels about me.

5. That I understand completely if he feels too uncomfortable to ever continue to maintain a friendship with me, and to not feel at fault for anything. And that yes, if he isn't interested in anything beyond friendship, then I will need time to move on.

[WTRanger]

I'm actually expecting the worst-case scenario, especially because of the timing of it all. I really just feel like I have to get this off my chest so that I can be done with "holding onto hope"--I have never found out how he feels about me; I don't know if he would ever want to be with me or not. That's basically what this is for; I'm not expecting or hoping that he'll suddenly realize feelings for me and that we'll be together--though it would be nice, of course.

 

About the "no friendship"--I wasn't planning on telling him that way, giving him an ultimatum. I would've just said something like, "I can understand if you would be too uncomfortable to maintain a friendship with me now" or whatever.

 

I thought about my main points that I want to get across and they are:

 

1. I have feelings for him.

2. I have had them for a long time.

3. I never said anything before because I was afraid of losing him as a friend.

4. I thought I was okay with just being his friend this whole time, but I never really was, and I won't be until I get this off my chest and know once and for all how he feels about me.

5. That I understand completely if he feels too uncomfortable to ever continue to maintain a friendship with me, and to not feel at fault for anything. And that yes, if he isn't interested in anything beyond friendship, then I will need time to move on.

 

You're obviously giving this a lot of thought, so I think you have to tell him. You're experiencing the duality of hope, something we all do from time to time. The fact that hope can make a survivor out of you and hope can drive you insane. There is a razor's edge between the two.

 

I think he means enough to you to know the truth. I just hope he treats you with respect and gives you the truth, whatever that may be. But you can't control his response, you can only control yourself.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[norajane]

That's a lot of points, and a lot of talking. Do you plan to let him get a word in edgewise?

 

Why don't you, without preamble and without laying out all that information, just ask him what he thinks about dating you?

 

He doesn't need to know how long you've been pining for him right off the bat, and what all your fears are, and how you think this is going to end your friendship. That's so much pressure.

 

Be confident, chat, laugh. flirt, and then look him in the eye in a flirtatious way and ask, "Hey, what do you think of us dating?"

 

Regardless of his answer, then you can at least decide what you want to do without having bled your heart all over the table like that.

[Trialbyfire]

Well, we did casually date/hook up soon after we first met, for several months. Sorry, should've included that. And last year we had hooked up again a couple of times when I was on a break with my now-ex.

So, why didn't those two times end in some form of relationship? What do you think has changed from those two times, to now? For that matter, why is he more attractive now, when the ex might make re-appear in his life, as someone important?

 

These are things to seriously consider, before pursuing him. Jacking with someone's emotions all for the sake of challenge or competition, aren't good reasons to try to "get" someone.

[tigressA]

That's a lot of points, and a lot of talking. Do you plan to let him get a word in edgewise?

 

Why don't you, without preamble and without laying out all that information, just ask him what he thinks about dating you?

 

He doesn't need to know how long you've been pining for him right off the bat, and what all your fears are, and how you think this is going to end your friendship. That's so much pressure.

 

Be confident, chat, laugh. flirt, and then look him in the eye in a flirtatious way and ask, "Hey, what do you think of us dating?"

 

Regardless of his answer, then you can at least decide what you want to do without having bled your heart all over the table like that.

 

Wow, that was rude (bolded). Other than that, you have a good idea there.

[tigressA]

So, why didn't those two times end in some form of relationship? What do you think has changed from those two times, to now? For that matter, why is he more attractive now, when the ex might make re-appear in his life, as someone important?

 

These are things to seriously consider, before pursuing him. Jacking with someone's emotions all for the sake of challenge or competition, aren't good reasons to try to "get" someone.

 

Well, the first time, he didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone. I was naive then and I didn't buy into the "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" philosophy. And the second time, I was on a break with my ex; things had just happened and we fell into bed together. I had always thought of telling him, but then something would happen (like him meeting someone else) to stop me from saying anything. And like I had said earlier, I was always afraid of losing him as a friend; I assumed that that's what would happen no matter what. And I would've told him even if he wasn't starting to somewhat rekindle things with his ex--I had plans to, since the last time we spoke, I was under the impression that he was completely finished with her. I wanted to do it in person but he was too busy since I got back to school several weeks ago to hang out with me. And now that we're getting together on Tuesday, finally, and that I know he's in limbo with his ex, I'm thinking, "Oh no; I have to do it NOW or else I'll have to keep my trap shut for another indeterminate period of time and drive myself crazy."

[Trialbyfire]

Reread this thread of yours, as to the reasons you posted, about not considering this male friend, relationship material. This thread was when you were still with your ex-b/f.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t187550/

[tigressA]

Reread this thread of yours, as to the reasons you posted, about not considering this male friend, relationship material. This thread was when you were still with your ex-b/f.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t187550/

 

That is NOT the same guy. That's a completely different person. That friend and I were never involved whatsoever.

[Trialbyfire]

That is NOT the same guy. That's a completely different person. That friend and I were never involved whatsoever.

My apologies. I was confused since they're both close male friends, one you've known for 2.5 years and the other for 3 years.

[tigressA]

My apologies. I was confused since they're both close male friends, one you've known for 2.5 years and the other for 3 years.

 

It's okay; I understand. Anyway...like norajane said, maybe I shouldn't "let my heart bleed all over the table" and just be super-casual about it, just ask him his thoughts on us ever officially dating. And I could get my answer that much quicker, without having to go through the supreme nervousness and awkwardness that come with really opening up.

[WTRanger]

It's okay; I understand. Anyway...like norajane said, maybe I shouldn't "let my heart bleed all over the table" and just be super-casual about it, just ask him his thoughts on us ever officially dating. And I could get my answer that much quicker, without having to go through the supreme nervousness and awkwardness that come with really opening up.

 

That may be better, but you can't make it vague either. You've got to make this as clear as possible as to how you feel about it. If you keep it vague, he'll give you a vague answer and you'll go nowhere and be posting a new thread a few weeks later. You need to do whatever you need to do to ensure you get a solid, no BS answer on Tuesday. You don't want to be all sappy but you don't want to be vague either.

[tigressA]

That may be better, but you can't make it vague either. You've got to make this as clear as possible as to how you feel about it. If you keep it vague, he'll give you a vague answer and you'll go nowhere and be posting a new thread a few weeks later. You need to do whatever you need to do to ensure you get a solid, no BS answer on Tuesday. You don't want to be all sappy but you don't want to be vague either.

 

True. Don't be sappy, but don't be vague...

 

Me: "You know, I wonder why we never really tried dating each other. Why don't we?"

 

Him: "Uh...what? Are you serious?" (likely reaction)

 

Me: "Yes, I'm completely serious."

 

*insert rest of whatever else may be said here*

[Trialbyfire]

Tigress, if he's really your friend, why would you want to step into a situation like this, potentially cockblocking or whatever the female equivalent of that is? If you're a real friend, you would step back and let him do what he needs to do, picking up the pieces, if it should end that way.

[tigressA]

Yeah, only that I realized that I don't want to be just his friend. I never really wanted to be; I was just stupid and thought that if I hung around long enough and was a friend to him that "maybe, just maybe, he'd FINALLY see me the way I always wanted him to", but no. Plus, I couldn't care less about what happens with his ex because I hate her with an almost violent passion, though--READ: If somehow before Tuesday they are "officially" back together again, I will respect that and not say anything. I only met her once and couldn't stand her then, but over the summer when they were broken up/complicated he was telling me about all this awful stuff she did/said to him. She really played havoc with him. I still can't believe he's actually contemplating getting back with her.

[Kamille]

Do you know for a fact he is considering going back to his ex? Why do you think she is back in the picture? Why the sudden sense of urgency?

 

I think this is important because if he told you he's considering this, then you are going to take him completely by surprise with your declaration. If, however, it's minor contact, then there is no emergency.

[tigressA]

He told me they've been hanging out again (which I'm sure also means that they've been sleeping together; I know him well), that "she's changed", that she's communicating with him about stuff more, which was a huge issue with them. But they're not officially back together yet. He had to end our phone convo after 20 minutes because she'd just arrived at his house to go out for lunch.

 

Oh, and they're coworkers, so no, it's definitely not limited contact.

[tigressA]

He came over to the house. I had decided to make something for lunch since I didn't want to spend any more money going out, and it wasn't a very nice day outside anyway. I baked chocolate-chip cookies earlier this morning and made shrimp scampi over linguine, both of which he raved about. He loves my food...anyway, we talked a lot. He gave me details about the situation with his ex--they're actually not close to getting back together officially; they're "seeing each other" but he feels there are a lot of issues that need to be "squared away" before he thinks it will really work. He said, "I don't know; it could take awhile...maybe years...I don't even know if it's worth it, but hey, it's what I'm doing right now." He noticed I had had a weird look on my face when he brought up his ex and he asked, "Why are you looking like that?" I said, "Well, you know how I feel about the whole thing." He said, "Yeah, I do."

 

I couldn't bring myself to say what I had to say to his face, while he was there. Somehow the topic changed to honesty and "being open" and I did my characteristic bush-beating, saying that, "There are things that are left unsaid sometimes, either because it's taken such a long time that you feel opening up will throw a wrench into things, or you just don't think it's worth it anymore, so you just forget about it..." I drifted off and looked away; he said, "What are you talking about? What's going on?" I just looked at a corner of the table and said, "Nothing." Then after a minute he said, "I know what you're talking about." I didn't really say anything. After a few agonizing minutes of awkwardness, the subject was changed.

 

Before he left he hugged me and said we should hang out again soon, perhaps this weekend. I said, "Yeah, I'm game."

 

I went up to my room and I kept thinking, "God, God...I didn't do it...I need to do something, now. I need to finally say this." So I picked up my phone and called him. He answered; he'd arrived at work and was getting ready. I said, "You know that thing I didn't say earlier?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "Well, it's that...I like you. I like you, and I'm sorry I couldn't say it to your face when you were still here. And I wanted to say it before, a long time ago, but I couldn't, and now that I'm feeling sufficiently awkward I'm going to hang up now" and he said "No, no, no, wait! Look, I'm at work right now, getting changed and stuff, so I can't talk right now and I'm sorry, but we have to talk about this and it'll be soon, okay?" I said, "Yeah, okay, that's fine. I understand, take your time." He said, "Okay. I'll talk to you later, bye." I said, "Bye".

 

That's that, so far. It didn't happen the way I wanted it to, but it happened. And I'll be getting my answer soon. Stay tuned...