Am I a b*tch?

[Just A Girl2]

Hello everyone,

 

So long since I've had some free time to sit down and relax...just popping in because I have something on my mind.

 

Okay, I'm 35. For most of my dating life, I was rather shy and I'd pretty much always go along with the plans of my boyfriends at the time, to keep the peace and hell, keep the guy. Over the years, though, I've learned a lot from playing the role of a doormat and now I'm much more assertive and able to stand my ground and express my opinion but I fear lately that maybe I've gone too far the other way......to the point where I'm just so set in my ways and opinions that I come across as narrowminded and/or rude.

 

Here's one example. Okay, so the guy I've been with now for about 2 months..well, neither of us are drinkers, we detest the bar/club scene. Outgrew that years ago. So anyway, a few weeks ago he mentions to me that one of his friends (they're a couple, actually) had the idea that my guy and myself, them and about 3-4 OTHER COUPLES should all get together for a week this coming summer, and rent a "houseboat" on the lake. For those who don't know what a houseboat is, think of it as a big RV/Motorhome type deal, only it floats on the lake. :-) Err, it actually has a motor and you drive it up and down the lake...it has a kitchen, sleeping areas (though not really private), bathroom, etc.

 

Renting a houseboat with other couples is generally synonymous with spending the whole damn time being cooped up (and I mean COOPED UP...you're stuck on that thing the entire time, well, unless you jump off into the lake for a swim) with 8 or 10 other people...all sharing one bathroom, no privacy when it comes to sleeping, tons of drinking and loudness and stupidity, way too much time in the sun (unless you want to sit inside it and die of heat exhaustion) and basically being forced to have to deal with having some stranger in your face for an entire week (or the length of the trip). This is *so* and I mean *SO* not my style.

 

Even if these other couples were all my bestest friends in the world (for the record, I have never even met any of these people/his friends yet....most live out of town), I would not want to do this. I did the houseboat thing once with my Mom, Dad and only sister (5 yrs ago)..for a mere 3 days and we were about ready to push each other off the houseboat.......and normally we all get along just great, none of us are loud drinkers, etc.

 

So my guy mentions this all to me a few weeks ago...I didn't pay much attention to it then because we hadn't really been going out for that long and I actually thought it was a bit presumptuous of him to suggest something "so far off" considering we might not even still be dating this coming summer.

 

Well yesterday he brought it up again, saying one of his friends was again asking him if "we" were interested. I tried to nicely explain to my guy that *this* is not something I'd be interested in....that it's not "my style".....that I have no desire whatsoever to spend a week all cooped up with a bunch of rowdy drinking strangers, in a houseboat that's no more than 250 square feet......spending my only week of holidays this way.......that *that* kind of thing has never appealed to me, I've been given the opportunity before and wasn't interested, that I appreciate and NEED my privacy (versus having to sleep 6 feet away from a bunch of strangers), etc etc.

 

I could tell by his quiet reaction that a) he was sort of floored with my very adamant explanation as to why I wasn't the least bit interested...and b) he was shocked that I'm maybe not all that "fun" of a person.

 

I could tell as I was explaining it to him that he "might" have thought he could convince me otherwise, which made me all the more determined to be very CLEAR that this kind of thing ain't my idea of fun (maybe when I was 20, not at this age).......but as I sat there "listening" to myself give him this very firm list of reasons why I was not interested, I was almost embarassed at how forceful and opinionated i sounded.

 

But on the other hand, I was thinking to myself about him, "what the hell are you THINKING??!!" Neither of us are drinkers ...these things are just mobile drunks.........why in God's name would i want to spend my only week of summer holidays cooped up like a chicken, with a bunch of people I don't know? I kept thinking to myself, "Anyone who knows me even a little bit would KNOW that this is NOT my idea of a good time."

 

So do I have some problems here? Was I out of line to be so adamant about how I felt about this? Funny thing, too...he's the kind of guy who's much more of a homebody than a party guy or a social butterfly. He's more content to spend a friday night at my place playing a game or making dinner together or watching a DVD than to go out to a pub....and that's fine by me.

 

I feel like maybe I've come across as anti-social or something.......that maybe he's going to think that I'm "no fun" or that I'm "too good" for his friends but geezus, I have to be honest don't I?

 

He knows I don't drink or like to get drunk/party. He knows that I have a real awareness of the risks of skin cancer and that although I spent most of my younger years baking in the sun, I haven't "tanned" for years and am not into spending more than an hour in the sun.........he knows I enjoy my privacy and that I have no tolerance for a setting where there's a bunch of loud, mouthy, stupid drunks.........he knows I appreciate my "time to myself" from time to time....what the hell was he thinking THINKING that I'd be into a week of being stuck on a floating RV with a bunch of strangers who'll be drinking too much and getting in my face?

 

Am I turning into a b*tch here? I fear maybe I am?

[Tony T]

I think if he was suggesting an evening out with his friends and you didn't want to go, perhaps you'd be being a bit of a bitch. However, I think you were very much in the right in insisting that you would not want to spend a week on a houseboat with a bunch of drunken strangers.

 

If your guy can't understand your feelings here, you can tell him to kiss your butt.

 

Frankly, I would take the same position and would be very annoyed is somebody persisted in trying to convince me to change my mind. Your life is your life and if this guy can't respect it, he has no business in it.

[Just A Girl2]

Thank you....because I was really starting to wonder if maybe I'm just a b*tch. It's not that he MADE me feel like I am one, nor did he do or say anything to imply that.......but when he asked me this for the first time several weeks ago, even then (although I didn't take it too seriously because we'd just started seeing each other and I don't look THAT far down the road when you first start seeing someone) I told him that that just wasn't my thing. Then when he asked again yesterday, saying his friend wanted to know, I guess I just got my back up a bit. Now whether this is my problem or not, I felt as if I couldn't *simply* say to him, "sorry, that kind of 'holiday' doesn't appeal to me." I kind of started it off that way yesterday, but then he didn't say anything....it was like he was waiting for me to explain WHY........and call me a cow but at this age, I generally get sort of pissy when I feel I have to explain why I feel/believe the way I do to anyone. To me it's like, "look, this is how I feel on this subject....I didn't just pick my opinion out of a hat......it was based on a lot of thought and analyzing and past experience (etc)......accept how I feel or bugger off."

 

The more I tried to explain, again, WHY that kind of holiday ain't my thing, the more he said nothing..........either because he was "waiting for a good reason why" (and the reasons I was giving weren't cutting it for him)...or else he was really just blown away at my ?anti-social-ness.

 

If he dares to bring this up again, he'll be in for a good tongue lashing because I am fully entitled to feel the way I feel and if he can't deal with it, that's not my problem.

 

Funny thing......although he claims to have a lot of friends, he pretty much spends every free minute with me (well not quite because I put my foot down a lot and let him know that I actually DO need time to/for myself, which he accepts).

 

I think, though, that a lot of his friends could be trouble. From the sounds of things, even though they're mostly couples, they sound like a bunch of good time party dorks. For instance, one of his good friends (who's married) who lives very close to a lake, once suggested to my guy that he (the friend) and my guy and maybe another friend all get together and buy a ski boat. My guy said he thought this would be cool. See, I think this is insane. Grown adults should save their OWN MONEY (this is my humble opinion of course) and buy THEIR OWN TOYS. It was this same friend who he says once suggested that a whole bunch of them together and buy a large house on the lake. I just think the whole thing is absurd. You're asking for nothing but 'trouble' when friends get into this kind of financial situation. It seems like a no-brainer to me. It also means, too, that your lives are constantly intertwined with "the friends"...whether it's fighting over who gets the ski boat that particular weekend.....or whatever. We're talking people in their mid to late 30's here.

 

Anyway, sorry for getting off topic.

[Dragonflys]

I'll make some comments about your attitude since I am a guy and I have dated all types.

 

I persoanlly think being upfront is a very good thing. It sounds to me like you were being very honest and clear about the whole idea. What you didn't make very clear to me was just how persistent he was. Depending on how persistent he was your response could have been anywhere from very appropriate to a bit overdone.

 

I think generally men like women who are honest and upfront, problems are nipped in the bud and everyone knows where they stand and things don't get silently nasty. I will say though, it's important when communicating with him that you do not come across as judging his suggestion. A suggestion is only a suggestion and if he doesn't keep bugging you the best is to be clear but calm about it. Just tell him its not your kind of thing and you'd rather do something else. If he gets the sense you are judging him for making a suggestion, then he may be less likely to do so in the future.

 

Just my two cents...

 

Oliver

[Just A Girl2]

Hi Oliver,

Thanks a lot for your input. You raise some excellent points, I must say.

 

You're very correct...it wouldn't be right of me to respond in such a way that comes across as me insulting or mocking his suggestion.

 

Although it wasn't my intention to do so, my response likely did come across as doing just that......after all, if I gave him a list of reasons why I wasn't into doing that, he likely took that as my subtle way of dissing his suggestion (or his friend's suggestion). I think I got a little revved up about it mostly due to the fact that he'd already ASKED me about this several weeks ago, where I told him very clearly that I wasn't into this sort of thing. When he asked me this again yesterday, I think subconsciously (or consciously?) I felt like he thought that somehow he could maybe change my mind.......and I hate when people think they can try to change your mind. For me, when I make my mind up about something, I've made it up based on weighing the pros and cons and all that.....I don't just pull my decision out of my butt LOL Know what I mean?

 

As for whether he was really being persistent yesterday when bringing this up again...well, let me put it this way....his silence seemed to say a thousand words. I started off telling him very simply, again, that the houseboat-partying-week-long-drunk thing is not my thang......and he was kind of quiet (this is while we're driving) and asked, "why?"........I'd give a reason or two, then more silence on his part..........it made me feel like I had to keep explaining myself, sort of like to him I hadn't yet given a "good enough reason" if that makes any sense.

 

Frankly, I'm a little perplexed and maybe bugged by the fact that he'd ask me about this again in the first place. He knows I'm more of a reserved person, not a drinker, not a partier.......which are qualities he's repeatedly told me he appreciates and has been looking for in a woman (his ex wife was a party girl who lived at the bar)........so what on earth was he thinking, wondering if I'd want to spend a week with total strangers, in close quarters, with no privacy to even fart if I want to (LOL).........considering he claims to know me so well.

 

Anyway, I will keep in mind what you've said...about being conscious of making sure that when I'm giving my opinion that I'm careful not to come across as slamming his suggestion. Excellent point, again.

 

thanks

[Dragonflys]

You made it clear to me how persistent he was. Knowing that information, I would say he's not really bugging. Give a guy two rejections before considering it bugging you, we like to give it a second go even if we were listening the first time. After that, consider it bugging.

 

His silence is interesting. It could be that he really had his heart set on it, but it also could mean he's disappointed he couldn't control you response. Just stand your ground here, don't look bothered that you didn't take up his offer and see how he reacts in the future. If things go bad, that means he wants a more aggreeable woman. If he takes it well, then you guys may be alright in the long run.

 

Although I agree with you that this is not something you should have gone for given the type of person you are, if he makes suggestions that are a little more aggreeable to you, but not perfect, try and compromise a little. I'm sure you will anyway.

 

Best wishes

 

Oliver

[HokeyReligions]

Did you explain that you had a bad experience on a houseboat with your own family and that you were just too uncomfortable to try it with strangers?

 

We did this once - rented a houseboat with 3 other couples. It was a huge boat and we had private bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. We also left the boat every day for on-shore outings and it was a blast. Quite different from the experience you had - I wish you could have had my experience with it. I'd love to do that again.

 

You need to be clear about your feelings -- nothing wrong with that at all. He may have kept asking you as a means of getting to know you better. Maybe he doesn't know you as well as you think he does. Maybe he was hoping you would change your mind or try to find a compromise.

 

Oliver said everything that I would have said.

 

Per your original post title; I don't think you are turning into a bytch because you are striving to be aware of how others perceive you, and making an effort to not piss people off, and all without backing away from your opinions.