He knows too much to find me attractive... How to change this?

[milly87]

When I make friends, guys or girls, I try to be as real as possible. If we are going out somewhere nice, I make an effort, if we are chilling I wear my bootcut jeans and t shirts... Normal. I don't pretend to like things I don't, I cry when I feel like, laugh when I feel like, admit to feelings like **** etc etc

I have issues with depression and was abused when I was younger, I see a therapist once, sometimes twice a week, my friends know this... If they ask what my day was like I flat out tell them. I'm far from perfect, in fact I'm pretty messed up, but I try to be a very good person and friend, and so I am not ashamed of who I am. At all. I generally figure that if they are going to be my friend they will despite this, I don't have a lot of close friends, but the handful I do have, are priceless.

 

When I meet a guy I like, I keep all of the above hidden for as long as possible. Mostly because I know it's not initially 'attractive'. What I mean is, say we are planning a first date, I will plan it for a day in between my therapy sessions, so I will be prepped to be in a good mood, and be available to disect with someone after... I won't tell him about therapy or depression until I'm positive he cares enough to know, and won't be freaked out or see me differently... For example, I hardly ever stay the night at guys places, because I'm an insomniac, I don't want to freak him out by like... not sleeping, you know?

 

In all honestly, I remember a period when I would spend the whole day down, crying, only to wash my face, wear something nice, put on make up go on that date and smile, smile, smile... Come home after, sink back. I'm most definitely not this bad anymore, but you get the idea.

 

Now here's the issue... I met a guy, at the time I thought he liked someone I knew, so we became friends. Months in, very good friends... Now like, very close friends, he's one of a few who have seen me that low.

But now I like him.

And it's messed up.. I've not said anything, yet. However, done some investigating, and the way he describes me to people, very nice, but nice in a friend way... To put it simply, and be a bit crude, he knows too much to want to do me. Especially because of abuse etc he never talks about sex and me in the same sentence... Not that I want him to, but you get the idea?

 

I can't start acting now... I mean seriously, he knows all my tricks!!! How do I make myself attractive to him, and not this best friend he always has to ask ''how are you? are you okay?'' at the start of every conversation. I'm not saying he assumes I'm not, but there was a time...

[Bejita463]

You might consider just talking with him. For all you know he is interested, but respects the friendship too much to act on it. Everyone has flaws, and they don't make you as unattractive as you think. Really.

[xpaperxcutx]

You remind me of me, except I have scars that are harder to hide than anything else. Only my closest friends know about my secrets, and even then it's hard to open up to new people about my past without them getting repulsed by me a little. I think it's important to know that if he hasn't rejected you as a friend because of your past, he probably won't reject you as something more. As long as you're a better person now and you're getting help, you shouldn't let your past actions dictate the person you are now.

 

If he can't accept you for you, then honestly you don't want to be with him.

[oscakool]

Just be honest and be real. Girls don't like guys that put on an act, so don't expect guys to like the same. The real question is why are you so depressed, why are you sulking, etc. You might be seeing a therapist twice a week but that doesn't explain why and I personally don't think a therapist does any good. Send me a pm.

[milly87]

Bejita463

Yes, I guess you may be right... I just fear that though he may not mind being a friend, dating wise might seem like too much... Don't know.

 

xpaperxcutx

I'm so sorry to hear this, it's weird, even I walk around sometimes feeling like a fruad, even though I know technically, I'm not... Wow. How do you deal? Thanks for the kind words.. building up courage.

 

oscakool

I've always been as honest and real with him as possible... Me thinks this is the problem, lol. I assure you it's much more complicated than the need to 'sulk', but if you read my post, you'll see that I actually did mention one of the reasons why, the reason that directly relates to my question.

[manugeorge]

Bejita463

Yes, I guess you may be right... I just fear that though he may not mind being a friend, dating wise might seem like too much... Don't know.

.

 

Dating wise, he may think you are too much but that just means he is not someone you are meant to be dating. You should want to be with someone who makes it easier for you to be you not someone you have to walk on eggshells around and you shouldn't pretend to be anything to "catch" someone since suceeding means you get to pretend for the rest of your life or else they feel deceived.

 

Our natural urge to be attractive often works against us: We present the sides we think are easy to like, but the most satisfying relationships and friendships are with people who like (or just don't mind) the more difficult sides. It takes guts to lay it all out there, but guts are attractive, too.