Unhealthy relationship?

[chaoticmind]

Ok - strange situation here...I need some help!!!!!

 

My bf and i have been together over a year now. In the beginning, he explained that when his ex-wife and he separated, she apparantly had money problems and had to move back in with him. He said it sucked, but it worked out well that way because he gets to see the kids every day, and there is no need for a babysitter for when he is on call at night. (He says they do not under any circumstances have any sexual relations)

 

Me, being the understanding type that I am, went along with it and have ever since. But she is STILL there. It's been over a year, and the ex-wife apparantly cannot hold down a decent job, therefore cannot afford to move out. My boyfriend seems to be passive-aggressively accepting her presence there. I have yet to see the inside of my boyfriend's house.

 

I only see my boyfriend on the weekends, which is fine, because I have a busy life with kids of my own.....but what if I wanted to stop by his house one night during the week and have dinner? I can't - because she's there.

 

I've been thinking that this situation is beginning to get unhealthy.....(or was it stupid to go along with it from the get-go?).....what do you think?

[sotired]

Sounds like they are still together. I've never heard of a situation like this without there still being a physical and emotional connection.

[birdmadgirl]

Was it stupid of you to go along with this from the get-go? Nobody here is in a position to make those kinds of judgment calls, but I'm going to second sotired's opinion on this, unfortunately. I've never personally experienced this situation, but I know a number of people who have. This always seems to end up being the case. They were all sort of stuck in their respective positions, though; nobody wants to be the one to ask someone to kick the mother of their children out on the street. I'd say the fact that you've been together for more than a year and you haven't seen the inside of his house doesn't bode well, in and of itself. The fact that his ex-wife is there, too...? Yeah.

 

At the very least, I'd let him know your concerns, but be prepared for what may come of doing so. The other parent of one's children will always be in the picture, to a degree (in most cases, anyway), but if the break isn't absolute, it's not a break.

 

I'm sorry.

[Eyeofthoth]

I have heard of situations like this. As a divorced mother with two kids I can tell you that having one parent move out and having to set up two households shuttling kids back and forth is a nightmare. So sure, parents who love their kids resist this, even when the relationship is "over."

 

But I personally don't think I could put up with something like this for long. And I am pretty accommodating and sometimes put up with a lot of crap.

 

When something starts to bother you too much, you will leave. Just try to do it gently without throwing a fit and nagging. If you tell him sweetly that you love him to pieces but don't want to see him anymore until he is living without spouse, who knows . . .

 

You might end up never seeing him again, but then that might turn out to be for the best.

[chaoticmind]

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts.

 

I think deep down inside I have already began pulling myself away from him, preparing for the inevitable.

 

What really upsets me is that this doesn't seem to be bothering him as much as it's bothering me.... or it could be he's bottling it up, which he has a tendency to do ("oh well, it will all work out on its' own...").

 

I've told him both bluntly and pleasantly that this situation is always nagging me in the back of my mind, and that I need to see some form of change or at least a game plan between him and his ex-wife, and he just blows it off.

 

sotired -- As a divorced mother myself, I personally couldn't WAIT to get away from my ex. I'm also worried about what his kids are learning from this - dad has a girlfriend, and mom still lives in the house.....?? It's not what I would want my kids to experience....

[Treasa]

So you've never even met his wife? Do you know for sure that she knows about you?

[chaoticmind]

So you've never even met his wife? Do you know for sure that she knows about you?

 

I have not met her in person, but I have spoken to her over the phone at the beginning of the relationship. She wanted to get a feel for who her kids were going to be around, and I respected her for that.

[carhill]

Well, what do you want? Are you getting it from this man, right now? A year is a long time. There's a glut of rentals out there with the crappy economy. Cheap to keep. IMO, he's not sufficiently motivated to end his M. As a man, I know men go after what they want. Does he want you, sufficiently?

[chaoticmind]

What I want is a 'normal' relationship where both parties are on their journey together side-by-side; not one in front of the other, waiting for him to get his life in order. A year IS a long time to wait I'm thinking....and I'm wondering if it will be another year, and so on.

 

I believe you're correct - his motivation insufficiencies are driving me crazy. In my mind, he just doesn't want to deal. I'm realizing now that I don't think this is the type of personality I want to be with.

[carhill]

OK, now, does he know all this, in clear words, just like you typed here? Men appreciate and respond to clarity

[chaoticmind]

Thanks Carhill. I believe I'm going to tell him this later on tonight. If I can work up my nerve.....