CandyGirlXO Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I am in a new relationship, but I am confused as to where this is going and his feelings for me. We have been together for 2 months now, and this is why I am so confused. I guess the problem is he is not very affectionate at all. I am used to a lot more affection. He has been single for 3+ years, so I am trying to be understanding that he must just not be used to it. It makes me feel like #1 Either he is not into me or #2 He is scared to get hurt because he was hurt really bad in his past and that is why he has been single for so long. I think he is like this towards me because he is scared to get attached. What do you guys think? Should I confront him or give him more time to see how things go? When we sleep in the same bed we barely cuddle, maybe for 4 minutes. After sex sometimes we cuddle sometimes not. It just drives me crazy. If we are watching a movie he doesn't put his arm around me or anything. What would you do or think?!?! Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I hate to say it, but this would be a complete deal-breaker for me. You really do need to talk. If he clams up, or says that he's just not built that way, and that's just the way he is, and he can't change - then, I'm sorry, but it's a no-go. You have to find out whether there's a valid reason, and see whether it's something you can both agree to work on, but if he's just not that physically, demonstratively affectionate, and doesn't think he can change, then you're going to have a good long think as to whether you can live like this. Me? I can't. And won't. Link to post Share on other sites
MotherGooze Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 You won't know until you so just ask him. I've had experiences with guys not being very affectionate, because they were hurt in the past. It could be it, but he could also be not into you. I really can'tanswer your question, but the advice I can give you is to talk, if you're not happy with this, he should know, and you can't be stuck in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Saint Valentine Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 We have been together for 2 months now, and this is why I am so confused. It is confusing. Normally, you should have been engaged for at least a couple of weeks by now. Weird. Maybe you need to take the lead, and extend your foreplay. Make sex totally about his pleasure, and let your affectionate tongue and mouth wander all over his most sensitive erogenous zones. And don't be afraid to insert a lubed digit for added stimulation. If you focus completely on him, then he will begin to "fill up" with loving feelings for you. Pretty soon he won't be able to keep his hands off you. You will be his teacher. Link to post Share on other sites
MotherGooze Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Maybe you need to take the lead, and extend your foreplay. Make sex totally about his pleasure, and let your affectionate tongue and mouth wander all over his most sensitive erogenous zones. And don't be afraid to insert a lubed digit for added stimulation. If you focus completely on him, then he will begin to "fill up" with loving feelings for you. Pretty soon he won't be able to keep his hands off you. You will be his teacher. I don't think she's taling about sex alone . There more to affection then just that Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I hate to say it, but this would be a complete deal-breaker for me. You really do need to talk. If he clams up, or says that he's just not built that way, and that's just the way he is, and he can't change - then, I'm sorry, but it's a no-go. You have to find out whether there's a valid reason, and see whether it's something you can both agree to work on, but if he's just not that physically, demonstratively affectionate, and doesn't think he can change, then you're going to have a good long think as to whether you can live like this. Me? I can't. And won't. I completely agree with Geisha. (surprise!) He just might be one of those guys that isn't wired that way. And for me, it'd also be a deal breaker. I'd also cut to the chase and have a frank discussion pronto so I wouldn't waste any more of my time investing in a relationship that'll never make me blissfully happy. No joke. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 This would drive me nuts, I don't think I could be with a man like this. The guy I started seeing is very affectionate, and I love it. I've been with the opposite before, and I hated it. Some people just don't show affection, it's just how they are. It's up to you if you could handle being with a guy like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CandyGirlXO Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 Thanks for the replies, it just makes me so sad, because I have liked this guy for so long. I just thought maybe he was scared to get too close, and that I needed to give him some time. I guess I just need to ask him, but I am so scared to talk to him about it. Maybe I am just too scared to find out the truth. I figured if he wasn't into me, then he wouldn't be with me. I don't even know how to bring this up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CandyGirlXO Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 It is confusing. Normally, you should have been engaged for at least a couple of weeks by now. Weird. Maybe you need to take the lead, and extend your foreplay. Make sex totally about his pleasure, and let your affectionate tongue and mouth wander all over his most sensitive erogenous zones. And don't be afraid to insert a lubed digit for added stimulation. If you focus completely on him, then he will begin to "fill up" with loving feelings for you. Pretty soon he won't be able to keep his hands off you. You will be his teacher. LOL no sex is fine. And a lot of times I do make it all about him, and vice versa. Just no cuddiling afterwards. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Candy, talk to him. What have you got to lose? If he was raised with little/no affection or affectionate behaviour, it's not something that comes naturally to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I agree with TBF - what have you got to lose? Talk to him. For me, it would be a dealbreaker because I NEED affection. The reason why it was lacking wouldn't really matter. I need affection to come as natural for my SO as it does for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CandyGirlXO Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 Candy, talk to him. What have you got to lose? If he was raised with little/no affection or affectionate behaviour, it's not something that comes naturally to him. Thank you, that is true now that I think about it. I don't think he was and thats a great point. My EX before him was kind of the same way, not as bad. But yes that was the problem, his family was never affectionate. By the time I broke up with him he was so affectionate it was over bearing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CandyGirlXO Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 I agree with TBF - what have you got to lose? Talk to him. For me, it would be a dealbreaker because I NEED affection. The reason why it was lacking wouldn't really matter. I need affection to come as natural for my SO as it does for me. Yeah, same here. Last night when I was sleeping next to him, him on one side, me all the way on the other. I just felt like crying. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Candy At this stage in your relationship he should not be able to get close enough to you so his behaviour does sound odd. However some people are just not into the cuddling and therefore do not see how much that affection matters. It also strikes me that if it is not there now, it does not bode well for the future. You do need to speak to him about this. Maybe he is unsure of boundaries after being out of a relationship for so long. Give him a chance to explain or change his ways. But at the end of the day, I don't think it is unreasonable of you to expect affection and if he cannot offer it to you (no matter how much he may care for you) then you will have to decide whether you are prepared to accept his style or leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I don't even know how to bring this up. Snuggle into him when you are watching a movie or TV - and then if he has a reaction you discuss it. If he appears uncomfortable - you ask him if he's uncomfortable - and discuss it or Start a conversation about whether he thinks men are the same as women when it comes to showing affection...and then lead the conversation to the two of you That's what I've got off the top of my head - I'm sure there'll be other ideas from LS. But I am also pretty up front with what I am looking for in a relationship. I just want what I want - and I have never made (or been asked to make) any apologies for that. Look if a guy isn't giving you what you want don't tip toe around it. Either he is going to give you what you want when you tell him or he's not. And if he's not you just go get another one. Don't settle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CandyGirlXO Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 Candy At this stage in your relationship he should not be able to get close enough to you so his behaviour does sound odd. However some people are just not into the cuddling and therefore do not see how much that affection matters. It also strikes me that if it is not there now, it does not bode well for the future. Yeah thats what I thought also. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CandyGirlXO Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 Snuggle into him when you are watching a movie or TV - and then if he has a reaction you discuss it. If he appears uncomfortable - you ask him if he's uncomfortable - and discuss it or Start a conversation about whether he thinks men are the same as women when it comes to showing affection...and then lead the conversation to the two of you That's what I've got off the top of my head - I'm sure there'll be other ideas from LS. But I am also pretty up front with what I am looking for in a relationship. I just want what I want - and I have never made (or been asked to make) any apologies for that. Look if a guy isn't giving you what you want don't tip toe around it. Either he is going to give you what you want when you tell him or he's not. And if he's not you just go get another one. Don't settle. Thanks, I will probably just call him tonight some time after work and just ask him how he thinks everything is going with us. Then I will tell him/ask him my concern about the lack of affection. Good??? Yeah, I do try to cuddle up to him during a movie, by putting my head on his shoulder, but he just sits there. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Just talk to him, what are you going to do if he's like I just don't like to cuddle? Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Thanks, I will probably just call him tonight some time after work and just ask him how he thinks everything is going with us. Then I will tell him/ask him my concern about the lack of affection. Good??? I would suggest saying when you are together - not on the phone - "does it bother you that I like to cuddle so much?" Even though you haven't cuddled as much as you like. His response will be, "No I like cuddling too" and the conversation can proceed from there and you have your permission slip to move him around into cuddle position a bit more. Or he'll say, "No it's okay." To which you can discuss further and delve whether he is or isn't cuddly. Or he'll say, "Yes, I am just not a cuddle person." And then you know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CandyGirlXO Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 Just talk to him, what are you going to do if he's like I just don't like to cuddle? Well if he isn't willing to be more aftectionate and give it a try then I don't think I could stay in a relationship like that. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Some people are just not raised to be tactile. In my family I hug and kiss my DAD when I greet him, same with brothers. A lot of sons shake hands with dad. Maybe the way you were raised to express affection is not compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Sorry Candy, but in my experience, this is a hard wired personality trait. I had an otherwise good 6 yr relationship with somone who was VERY physically unaffectionate, and rather emotionally/verbally cold. I knew he cared for me in his heart, but there were times I'd cry myself to sleep over the lack of what felt like natural love, warmth and comfort to me. Now he's with somone who is like him, and i'm with somone more like me and we are both much happier. You can't change people, and especially not their emotional make up. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Well if he isn't willing to be more aftectionate and give it a try then I don't think I could stay in a relationship like that. maybe he'll pull out a sleeping bag and suggest you both get in naked after you talk to him Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Candygirl, you already consider a lack of affection to be a dealbreaker. I strongly agree with this. If you talk to him and he realizes it's something that's a need for you and chooses to meet your needs, you can't lose. If he does the grunt and rollover again, you know you're back to the dealbreaker issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I could have written that post Melody. Sad but true. No amount of "talking about it" changes people like this IMO. You're either affectionate or you're not. My ex wasn't. I used to lie awake at night and cry too. He was next to me in bed but he might as well have been in another room. He didn't like to cuddle. And he didn't like to say "I love you" often. He said it devalued the meaning or some such nonsense. I'm with those who said it's a deal-breaker. He always made me feel like I was "needy." And I wasn't. I just liked a normal amount of affection that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
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