in love with a schizophrenic...

[gretchen]

I was with a guy named Aaron for 5 years. When we met he was always a bit "eccentric". I didn't mind though, i loved that he was such an individual. However, as time went on, his eccentricities turned into some seriously bizarre behavior. He went through phases were he became very isolated, developed strange rituals, paranoia. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to help him, but i could feel him becoming more and more distant from me. I was so in love with him, but i just felt helpless, and i couldn't do anything but watch him decline. Finally, one day, he just disappeared. He didn't talk to me about it, no note, no one knew where he went...he doesn't really have family, so there was no one to contact.

I spent the next 3 years drifting in and out of relationships, not really being happy. I couldn't help comparing everyone to Aaron and thinking about how they didn't measure up. I never had any closure, didn't know if he was okay or dead in a gutter somewhere.

Last winter, i got a call from a mutual friend Aaron and i had once shared. He had moved to Nebraska and told me he found Aaron. He said he had tried to talk to him, but things had gotten really bad. He didn't really elaborate. A month later, i save up some money and went to Nebraska and found Aaron myself. He lived in a house he built himself. Stairs leading to walls, doors leading to nothing, windows opening up into other walls. Aaron was extremely happy to see me. I told him i needed to know why he had done that to me. We sat down and had a relatively coherent conversation. He told me he had actually taken my advice and sought out some psychiatric help. He had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and just couldn't deal. He told me he was so sorry, he always loved me, and regretted many of his actions. We spent a couple of months together, and it was the most conflicted time in my life. It was my dream come true to have him back, but at times, he was completely unable to function. He refused counseling and medication and was extremely reclusive. He worked at a nearby animal shelter rehabilitating animals and sculpted. No other human interaction. Eventually i had to leave. I had a job to go back to, friends and family. Leaving meant essentially cutting all contacts with him once again. He will not use phones, computers or receive mail. It was the most devastating event in my life being repeated.

I don't know what to do. I have never loved anyone in my life the way i love him. I don't think i ever will. I know this relationship has caused me so much hurt, but i feel like i will never be over this. I have to fight with every element of my being, every single day not to get back on the plane. How can i handle this? Please help.