Has anybody else resigned themselves to never being in love?

[shadowplay]

Has anybody else resigned themselves to the fact that the only person they've ever felt in love with they'll never be with and it's unlikely they'll ever fall in love again?

 

It seems like some people have a great capacity to fall in love many times in their life. I envy those people.

 

Then there are those like me with a limited capacity to love who only feel that spark for maybe one or two people in their whole lives if they're lucky.

 

I don't believe in "growing" to love somebody. I think it's usually all at once or never. I've felt that love at first sight rush for maybe two guys in my whole life and one was unavailable and the other didn't reciprocate. They were also both narcissistic. I shouldn't say first sight, though, because it was more like after a few encounters followed by more contact that solidified the feeling. Some people may dismiss this as infatuation, but I think it's a necessary component of a successful relationship.

 

To be honest I've found that I can love almost anybody given they're a fairly decent person who I have some attraction to and we're in a relationship long enough. But being in love -- now that is truly rare. The feeling is like nothing else and blows plain old love out of the water. It's like seeing the world in color for the first time after living in b/w, or listening to a piece of beautiful music that clicks with you for the first time after a few listens and makes you see the world in a new way.

 

I have no clue what it's like to actually be with a guy I feel this way about, and probably will never get the opportunity considering how rare that feeling is. It doesn't help that what attracts me to them -- perhaps that they're stronger/better than me in some important way -- may make them less likely to like me.

[ed-205]

The way it's generally said is that that first "falling in love" rush is something called Cathexis, and is really little more than a chemical reaction inside your brain. It *is* an important part of the process, like a fuse is to a firecracker, but to actually fall truly in love with someone takes much longer, sometimes years. The Cathexis just keeps us coming back for more until the long term feelings of love take over.

 

Lonely, alone, and unloved as you be,

Cathexis will hex us as surely you'll see!

Don't worry. Give yourself a break and the feeling will return...

...it always does, even if you don't *want* it to.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Well that darn cathexis continues to elude me...

 

Seriously, I've loved three people in my life. One of those might be more like extreme infatuation. One was a long term boyfriend who I *loved* but was not in love with him. The third I was totally in love with, but it was not reciprocated the same way. By the way, the last one was in 1998. That's right. 10 years ago. That's the last time I had deep feelings for someone.

 

So yes, Shadowplay, I feel you. I go on date after date after date and nothing goes anywhere. I meet people and we really hit it off and then they disappear. I meet people, we really hit it off, and then I find out they are married or in LTR.

 

This is something I am always trying to adapt to. How do I go about living my life in the fullest way possible, knowing that I may be by myself for the duration?

 

Well, I have recently come to at least once conclusion. I will not rule it out. Yes, the odds are long and I have a long trail behind me, but when I tell myself that this is it, there is no hope so get used to it, I get really depressed. I won't do that to myself anymore.

 

That being said, I do try to make my life as full as possible with friends, family, vacations, volunteering, hobbies, and exercise. I've found a life that works very well for me. Too well, sometimes I'm afraid! Sometimes I worry how I would fit a boyfriend into it!

 

But that's just the surface. The real work goes on inside of me. How do you live happily while still yearning for something else? Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it isn't. It's a constant process.

 

But please know you are not alone. Not at all.

[D-Jam]

Shadowplay, it sounds like you just need time to heal wounds and let go of that past guy.

 

The problem with many in your mental situation right now is that you're still hooked on the ex, and even if you found someone, you would want them to be your ex, only without whatever flaw or problem that broke you two up.

 

Diagnosis - be single, be alone, have some "me" time, and heal the wounds.

 

 

My attitude has been and still is that I treat love and relationships as an added bonus to my life.

 

• I first worked on fulfilling myself in life and making myself happen.
  
• Then I wrote out in my mind my goals for my life. Things I want to do before I die, but I wrote them under the logic that I never find anyone and I am alone til I die. Right here it sounds miserable, but you think about travel, learning things, etc...it comes out as exciting. When you depend on the idea of holding someone as you sleep, then you won't be happy in life. I also wrote this as "in pencil", so if I do happen to find Ms Right, marry, etc...I can erase and rewrite things to fit in better with the changes.
  
• Now when I meet people, date, I am happy with myself, and I don't feel that I must "have someone" to be happy. Even the girl I am dating now is not a big hope for marriage, but an added bonus to my life.
  

Don't be codependent and you'll be much happier in this world. Heal your wounds and then move forward.

[audrey_1]

Has anybody else resigned themselves to the fact that the only person they've ever felt in love with they'll never be with and it's unlikely they'll ever fall in love again?

 

Then there are those like me with a limited capacity to love who only feel that spark for maybe one or two people in their whole lives if they're lucky.

 

To be honest I've found that I can love almost anybody given they're a fairly decent person who I have some attraction to and we're in a relationship long enough. But being in love -- now that is truly rare. The feeling is like nothing else and blows plain old love out of the water. It's like seeing the world in color for the first time after living in b/w, or listening to a piece of beautiful music that clicks with you for the first time after a few listens and makes you see the world in a new way.

 

I have been worried about this lately. When I realized I was in love with the guy I've been casually seeing for over a year, I also realized that it was only the second person I've had this total feeling for. I'm 33. And it is not reciprocated, so it hurts, and is also wasted. It is definitely "in love," and it took me 15 months to get here. I began NC three days ago with the realization, because he only wants to be friends. I have to begin healing. It took me by surprise, and if I don't handle it ASAP, I could be a real emotional basketcase!

[audrey_1]

Well that darn cathexis continues to elude me...

 

That being said, I do try to make my life as full as possible with friends, family, vacations, volunteering, hobbies, and exercise. I've found a life that works very well for me. Too well, sometimes I'm afraid! Sometimes I worry how I would fit a boyfriend into it!

 

But that's just the surface. The real work goes on inside of me. How do you live happily while still yearning for something else? Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it isn't. It's a constant process.

 

But please know you are not alone. Not at all.

 

Ditto.

[ed-205]

Cherry Blossom - I know how you feel, it's been over 20 years since I let myself have feelings for someone, but the "magic" still happens to me once in awhile, and like you, always with someone unavailable or inappropriate.

The point is that I do not let it bother me - heck! I'm just happy I can *still* feel that way once in awhile!

It takes some time, but the chemistry eventually wears off, rationality prevails, and I'm back to my normal, contented self.

[D-Jam]

Shadow and Audrey, I think both of you worry about it too much...and you put so much priority on "feelings in your gut" or a "flutter in your heart".

 

You two sound like people who think it's not right unless every day they wake up feeling like it's a storybook love full of passion and excitement, then "something must be wrong".

 

I think in the end, both of you have past men you can't let go of, plus you're both very defensive and now find it hard to lower your guard.

 

I've heard women and men say "I will never love anyone the way I loved him/her" and think it's hopeless because that "him/her" isn't in their life now.

 

The reality is that it's true. You won't love a new person the way you loved that past one...but it doesn't mean you won't love a new person as strongly as you did with the other. I remember a girl I loved in my early 20s, then a GF I had in my late 20s, and even feelings I have for this girl I am dating now. The past two exes I loved them both dearly, but each RL was different. It wasn't the same exact feelings and passions, and even this current woman doesn't make me feel exactly as either of those past exes did...but it doesn't mean it's not something.

 

I know if I fall all the way in love with this new woman, it won't be like the past, nor would I want it that way. The past had pains in it as much as it had pleasures, and I'd rather move forward.

 

You both need to stop thinking it's supposed to be a perfect copy or continuation of the past love, let those exes go, and be open to new people.

 

 

I feel for you Audrey in terms of the un-something love (can't remember the term, sorry). You and Shadow just need time. Do things to make yourselves happy that don't involve men or dating. Be open and available when you feel good, and just go with the flow. Don't compare to the past.

 

Believe me...it's how I can get burned and yet still move forward and try again.

[spookie]

Put me down.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Having lived in Washington, DC and seen the smoke burning from the Pentagon on September 11th, 2001, yesterday was a day of reflection, as it always is. As a former flight attendant who had to go back to work flying between DC and NY with air marshals on board, people flying to funerals and a bottle of champagne next to my jumpseat for protection in case a terrorist wanted to grab my cockpit key, I have a very emotional connection to the event and to the flight attendants who lost their lives that day. I made a vow that I would live my life as fully as possible because they couldn't. I was reminded of that vow yesterday, and I went about my business with a joy in my heart that I was alive, healthy and free. Yes, it can be a struggle, but our lives are a gift and I refuse to let people make me feel incomplete because I do not have a partner.

 

Nice post, btw, D-Jam.

[audrey_1]

Shadow and Audrey, I think both of you worry about it too much...and you put so much priority on "feelings in your gut" or a "flutter in your heart".

 

You two sound like people who think it's not right unless every day they wake up feeling like it's a storybook love full of passion and excitement, then "something must be wrong".

 

I think in the end, both of you have past men you can't let go of, plus you're both very defensive and now find it hard to lower your guard.

 

I've heard women and men say "I will never love anyone the way I loved him/her" and think it's hopeless because that "him/her" isn't in their life now.

 

The reality is that it's true. You won't love a new person the way you loved that past one...but it doesn't mean you won't love a new person as strongly as you did with the other. I remember a girl I loved in my early 20s, then a GF I had in my late 20s, and even feelings I have for this girl I am dating now. The past two exes I loved them both dearly, but each RL was different. It wasn't the same exact feelings and passions, and even this current woman doesn't make me feel exactly as either of those past exes did...but it doesn't mean it's not something.

 

I know if I fall all the way in love with this new woman, it won't be like the past, nor would I want it that way. The past had pains in it as much as it had pleasures, and I'd rather move forward.

 

You both need to stop thinking it's supposed to be a perfect copy or continuation of the past love, let those exes go, and be open to new people.

 

 

I feel for you Audrey in terms of the un-something love (can't remember the term, sorry). You and Shadow just need time. Do things to make yourselves happy that don't involve men or dating. Be open and available when you feel good, and just go with the flow. Don't compare to the past.

 

Believe me...it's how I can get burned and yet still move forward and try again.

 

For me, that flutter or gut feeling is how I've been able to separate something that's more well-rounded, that includes all the levels of attraction, not just intellectual or base friendship. That's how I know it's something more. In the beginning of this latest experience, I was very aware that it could be infatuation, chemicals, etc., tricking me into lust or something that wasn't based in a reality that could go the distance, and I'm still not sure about that. I try NOT to worry about it in my daily life or wear it for all to see; that's what LS is for.

 

It's not that I think it's not right if I don't have that added feeling with the situation, just that, for me, it is what differentiates someone from being just a friend of someone who could potentially be more. And in this case, it is definitely with someone who admittedly isn't capable of more. But I have to let go. It's best for him, so he can move on and do what he needs to do, and that I can do the same. I'm not saying that at some point I won't be friends with him, but right now I can't. I'm not holding on. I'm letting him go.

 

If I seem defensive, then that's something I need to work on. Thanks for pointing that out. My parents had a rotten marriage, and I suppose some of it is residual. I want to be healthy in my approach to life and relationships, but sometimes I do struggle with letting my guard down. That is very true.

 

I have a good job, play a sport 2-3 times a week, volunteer, and spend time with friends. I'm doing what I can.

[spookie]

I don't think that many people ever find the kind of love we're talking about.

 

A higher percentage probably resign themselves to having healthy relationships with people they like whom they grow to care about, but that's not really the same thing.

[sunshinegirl]

Shadow and Audrey, I think both of you worry about it too much...and you put so much priority on "feelings in your gut" or a "flutter in your heart".

 

You two sound like people who think it's not right unless every day they wake up feeling like it's a storybook love full of passion and excitement, then "something must be wrong".

 

I think in the end, both of you have past men you can't let go of, plus you're both very defensive and now find it hard to lower your guard.

 

I've heard women and men say "I will never love anyone the way I loved him/her" and think it's hopeless because that "him/her" isn't in their life now.

 

The reality is that it's true. You won't love a new person the way you loved that past one...but it doesn't mean you won't love a new person as strongly as you did with the other. I remember a girl I loved in my early 20s, then a GF I had in my late 20s, and even feelings I have for this girl I am dating now. The past two exes I loved them both dearly, but each RL was different. It wasn't the same exact feelings and passions, and even this current woman doesn't make me feel exactly as either of those past exes did...but it doesn't mean it's not something.

 

I know if I fall all the way in love with this new woman, it won't be like the past, nor would I want it that way. The past had pains in it as much as it had pleasures, and I'd rather move forward.

 

You both need to stop thinking it's supposed to be a perfect copy or continuation of the past love, let those exes go, and be open to new people.

 

 

I feel for you Audrey in terms of the un-something love (can't remember the term, sorry). You and Shadow just need time. Do things to make yourselves happy that don't involve men or dating. Be open and available when you feel good, and just go with the flow. Don't compare to the past.

 

Believe me...it's how I can get burned and yet still move forward and try again.

 

This is a good post. I've been in love four times. If you had told me back in 2002 - when my first love dumped me - that I would ever love anyone ever again I would never have believed you. No one would ever be better than my first love. No one would get my heart the way he did.

 

Not only did I go on to love someone else, I have actually managed to deeply love four men in the last 6 years. Each love has been different, and I had to have enough time and space between them to get over the end of the relationship (and I've been burned pretty badly) before being ready for someone new... but I have always managed to open my heart to someone new.

[audrey_1]

I don't think that many people ever find the kind of love we're talking about.

 

A higher percentage probably resign themselves to having healthy relationships with people they like whom they grow to care about, but that's not really the same thing.

 

I haven't had much luck with either, frankly. I was engaged to someone I really hoped I would "grow to love," but it didn't happen. He was excellent on paper. We had a nice home, I had the 2 ct. diamond, on and on, but I could not be married to him. Then juxtapose that with someone who I feel could be LTR material, and he wants to be my friend. Maybe I should have gone with the flow with the guy I was in the friend zone with, but seriously, I was seriously wilting because I wanted to *touch* him in a flirty way. It was getting very difficult to keep my hands to myself, and I really didn't feel like being scolded like a child by my "friend.":lmao:

[djhall]

Has anybody else resigned themselves to the fact that the only person they've ever felt in love with they'll never be with and it's unlikely they'll ever fall in love again?

Yep. Its been more than ten years since I last had any contact with her, and I still feel more passionately for her than anyone else I've ever known. I'm open to it happening again, but I don't expect it.

[Jilly Bean]

I don't think that many people ever find the kind of love we're talking about.

 

I was one of the fortunate few who had that kind of love.

 

Though I let it go (foolishly), and regret it to this day, I still consider it a total blessing.

 

HOWEVER, I fully acknowledge something like that will never come around again. It's taken a long time, but I have adjusted my expectations since. Though I do believe in a *different* type of love and am open to it, I know I will never again have that connection with a man.

 

*sigh*

 

Miss ya, Jeune Balloon

[Lizzie60]

Put me down.

 

 

get the gun!

[Shygirl15]

Wow, I must be different. I have fallen in love with each and every one of my boyfriends, and I always fall harder next time around which is why I have no trouble moving on since I know something better is waiting for me. In my case, the next man is always better than the last..

[BlueEyedGirl]

Wow, I must be different. I have fallen in love with each and every one of my boyfriends, and I always fall harder next time around which is why I have no trouble moving on since I know something better is waiting for me. In my case, the next man is always better than the last..

 

Yes, there are people who are not that "deep" and can fall in love with anyone they spend a lot of time with. Being deep is a curse.

[CaliGuy]

Nope. But I also don't let that thought consume me. I don't really control what happens so it's best not to worry about it.

[Tony T]

Wow, I must be different. I have fallen in love with each and every one of my boyfriends, and I always fall harder next time around which is why I have no trouble moving on since I know something better is waiting for me. In my case, the next man is always better than the last..

 

There's always someone better/different out there. There's someone BETTER than the person EVERY person is married to everywhere in the world. You are a victim of what Robert Ringer called The Better Deal Theory in his book "Looking Out For Number One." But you can better deal yourself right to your grave. You can rob yourself of many years of happiness being a love junkie and going from one person to the other.

 

Fact is, each love interest is perhaps not even better than the last. Nobody can compete with that newness you feel upon getting to know someone initially. Once those feelings subside, the next person is going to feel all the better.

 

It's really sad because relationship/love jukies usually die in a desperate state of loneliness.

 

Read the lyrics to the Eagles' song Desperado, paying particular attention to the last stanza: http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Desperado-lyrics-Eagles/6D5EA1AE046B841B482568600020A3DB

[The Collector]

Shadowplay, aren't you still in school (I was suprised to find this out today, as you seem very mature and intelligent)? Relax, you'll probably fall in love so many times it'll make you sick.

[pandagirl]

Sometimes I feel like I won't ever be able to love anyone, even though I know I have a lot of love to give. It's taken years, but I know the human capacity to love is within all of us, it really has to do with how we feel about ourselves.

 

No "love" is the same. We will love people in different ways. We will love some people more powerfully and lustfully. Others we will love more solidly and affectionately. I think some people are able to fall in love easily, probably because they are open to it and don't have the mental barriers other have.

 

Chemicals are VERY powerful things, but it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the heart. It's almost that the chemicals act as the stimulus for us to break down the walls, to let ourselves fall in love. When those powerful feelings aren't there, we are limited by our emotional and mental limitations, and make us closed off to loving someone.

 

Ultimately, the way each and everyone of us perceive love has to do with how we view ourselves. I have only felt those powerful feelings with people who I know are unavailable. I know this isn't a coincidence. I have to feel worthy of receiving love, before I can fall in love. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.

[djhall]

Put me down.

Okay, you probably think Sinai is the plural of sinus.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't think that many people ever find the kind of love we're talking about.

 

A higher percentage probably resign themselves to having healthy relationships with people they like whom they grow to care about, but that's not really the same thing.

Falling in love is never the same thing twice. It's different but can be just as intense, deep and rewarding. You can also believe you fall in love in a shallow way but more often than not, it's just infatuation which wears off with each tick of the clock.