Friends that stop being friends when they meet a guy...

[D-Lish]

I am really frustrated with my best friend.

We were quite inseperable for a few years, making time for lunches, movie nights and chatting on the phone a few times a day.

 

A year and a half ago she met a guy and they started dating. Since then, I am lucky if I see her every couple of months. We chat on the phone still- especially when she is in crisis and wants to discuss her relationship.

All she basically does is cave with her man and has systematically isolated herself from her friendships.

 

Her habitual behaviour is to make plans with me and never follow through. She does this almost weekly- arranging a lunch or a dinner or a night out, and then she doesn't call or answer her phone. Her bf has become the center of her existance and I am sick of getting bailed on by her.

 

We had plans to go out tonight, have some dinner tonight, we confirmed it at 4pm to meet for 7.... and she bailed AGAIN. I heard nothing, and I called and her phone is off. I can't even tell yu how many times she has done this over the past year and a half.

 

Her and her guy broke up for a month and she went nuts wanting to hang out again- even getting mad and wanting me to break dates to hang with her during that time. They got back together, and she returned to her cave with her guy.

 

I dated someone for a year while she was single- and I still saw her all the time. I don't cave with a man and stop seeing my friends when I am with someone.

 

I am so angry because I could have gone to a concert with my old neighbour and opted out because I was supposed to see her.... but she left me hanging yet again.

 

I have a few friends that have gotten into relationships and gone missing in action. I have tried talking to her, but she only apologizes, promises to make an effort and then continues with the same behaviour.

 

She is the one that called this morning and asked me to put tonight aside to spend time with her- even confirms it throughout the day...then just turns her phone off. I am so pissed at her.

 

Why do some people get into relationships and ditch all outside contact?

 

When she's single, or in a crisis, she doesn't leave me alone... but when in relationship mode, she does this to me all the time.

 

I am at my wits end with her. She's been making plans and bailing over and over for the last year and a half.

 

Anyone had this experience with friends? They meet a guy or a girl and just slack on friendships?

[Touche]

Wow, can I relate to that.

 

It's the most selfish and self-centered thing ever.

 

I've ditched many "girl friends" for doing the same thing to me.

 

I actually gave up on having female friends for good a long time ago. And that's just ONE of the behaviors that turned me the hell off.

 

It's selfish. It's self-centered. And I would never treat a friend like that.

 

I've chosen to not have any really close friends in my real life. I'm too sensitive. I need friends who will give back as much as I give.

 

That's never really happened for me before. Not with females anyway.

 

Don't expect less than what you give.

 

Don't choose selfish people.

 

Don't give more than you get. If you do, you're just a doormat.

 

I'd rather have no friends than "friends" such as you describe (and I've had.)

[carhill]

I always thought guys were worse at this than women, but perhaps I'm mistaken. I'll admit I didn't do as many friend things (like beers after work and stuff like that) after getting married, but, whenever I made plans, whether for tomorrow or two months hence, anyone who knew me knew I'd just show up like clockwork

 

My opinion is that this personality characteristic (keeping commitments) is part of our intrinsic makeup as people. Things can change, but there's no excuse for bailing on a friend without so much as a phone call.

 

I have a theory about some people (not necessarily your friend); I call it the BBD theory, or Bigger, Better Deal. Some people keep their social options open, looking for the most advantageous use of their social time, and then bail on their other commitments once the desired usage is found. Sometimes they send regrets; other times they just don't show. Once identified, they always seem to not be on my guest list; I don't know why

[aubree1982]

It sounds like you've already expressed to her that this bothers you but maybe you need to have one last heart to heart with her. Make plans with her again and if she stands you up then maybe you should reconsider her being your bf...doesn't sound like the kind of behavior a bf would give you.

 

I too have had a friend like this, granted she had a baby as well but so did I...We would see each other and she would ask to do something later in the night or the weekend and say she'd call but never would. I never understood why she would ask me to do something but then never call. I ended up just giving up and when she would ask to do something I'd say okay but I didn't sit around waiting for her to call.

 

Hope she's able to see that friendship is very important. Also, whether you are married or just seeing someone it's still important to go out with your friends now and then, it helps to keep a healthy balance.

[D-Lish]

Lol...

 

Well, I have had experiences with both men and women going missing in action due to a relationship.

 

You're right Touche, this girl is very selfish. When I was going through my bankruptcy- she never even asked me how I was doing. When we talk, it's always me listening to her about her relationship. Last month she threw a tantrum because she wanted to go out one night and I had other plans- she wanted me to break them, I wouldn't... and she gave me the hugest guilt trip "because we never see each other".

 

You can't reason with her though. It's impossible.

 

I think this is the last straw. Last weekend she made plans with me both Saturday and Sunday, and bailed both times.

 

I don't even think that it would occur to her to feel bad that I am sitting at home alone because she bailed. She ASKED me to cancel my other plans so I could see her- and I did... and this is where I am left. At home, alone.

 

And the kicker is- when I do go out with other friends, she feels threatened and gets jealous.... Keep in mind we are in our 30's!

 

She's always been a diva, and I just keep overlooking that.

I mean, I was really looking forward to getting out of my house tonight, I have been cooped up here since I moved in, and she knows that- we talked about it today.

 

I guess I am coming to the difficult realization that the relationship isn't reciprocal. I follow through and always go to her when she asks... And she doesn't even ask me if I am okay when I am going through the BS of losing my business and having to sell my house because of it.

 

I remember when she first met this guy she was dating- I was at home with a terrible flu. She called me in a panic because she had plugged her toilet and didn't have a plunger and begged me to bring her a plunger and help her fix her toilet before her date came. Well guess what- I hauled my sick butt out of bed and drove to her place, helped her out and left so she could have her date!!

 

Yeah, I think I have to grow a backbone and end the friendship.

(and of course I feel guilty for even thinking that way!)

[CHANTRESS]

Wow, can I relate to that.

 

It's the most selfish and self-centered thing ever.

 

I've ditched many "girl friends" for doing the same thing to me.

 

I actually gave up on having female friends for good a long time ago. And that's just ONE of the behaviors that turned me the hell off.

 

It's selfish. It's self-centered. And I would never treat a friend like that.

 

I've chosen to not have any really close friends in my real life. I'm too sensitive. I need friends who will give back as much as I give.

 

That's never really happened for me before. Not with females anyway.

 

Don't expect less than what you give.

 

Don't choose selfish people.

 

Don't give more than you get. If you do, you're just a doormat.

 

I'd rather have no friends than "friends" such as you describe (and I've had.)

 

 

 

I completely agree with this 100%.

D-Lish..I wish I had a friend like you...

it IS hard to find good female friends with their

**** together..and you sound like you do.

 

I would consider breaking up with this friend. She is

too selfish to see past her own issues to be a good friend

and you deserve better than that.

[mortensorchid]

Sorry this is happening to you. Many gals have the new bf become the center of their universe and shun all others. Best just to not make plans with her if she will continually cancel on you. No reason for you to keep being disappointed. You can keep on chatting on the phone and things, but if she's just going to cancel on you all the time don't hold your breath.

 

But that's happened to me, another form. It's a strange thing, people don't want you to be happy even if they say they do. I remember years ago after disappointment after disappointment in the love department I met really wonderful man. I brought him to a party to meet some friends, and the two gals who were my friends immediately stopped speaking to me. They were jealous, even though one had a bf that she lived with for years and the other was married. They both wrote me scathing hot emails telling me about all my faults and how they didn't like me anymore. Which amazed me because I had settled down. They aren't my friends anymore. Go figure.

[D-Lish]

Sorry this is happening to you. Many gals have the new bf become the center of their universe and shun all others. Best just to not make plans with her if she will continually cancel on you. No reason for you to keep being disappointed. You can keep on chatting on the phone and things, but if she's just going to cancel on you all the time don't hold your breath.

 

But that's happened to me, another form. It's a strange thing, people don't want you to be happy even if they say they do. I remember years ago after disappointment after disappointment in the love department I met really wonderful man. I brought him to a party to meet some friends, and the two gals who were my friends immediately stopped speaking to me. They were jealous, even though one had a bf that she lived with for years and the other was married. They both wrote me scathing hot emails telling me about all my faults and how they didn't like me anymore. Which amazed me because I had settled down. They aren't my friends anymore. Go figure.

 

Sometimes I think it's almost harder to figure out other women than it is men! Geesh.

 

I've had some crazy gf's I had to walk away from. Crazy, mean, jealous, unreliable... Touche is right, sometimes it's best to keep the friend list short. Stick to the friendship's that make you feel good and steer away from the ones that give you heartache.

[awesomeness43]

I think girls are way worse than this than guys. My friends and I regardless of our dating situation or if any of us were in a committed relationship, we'd still make time for each other and catch up on things. I think it is stupid to just let go of your friends that have been there for your the majority of your life through thick and thin for a relationship guy/girl who've you just met. If it was a husband/wife or family commitments that would be understandable.

[jerbear]

Anyone had this experience with friends? They meet a guy or a girl and just slack on friendships?

 

Hey Delicious!

 

Friendships change over time, some are forever stuck as strangers, acquaintances, lovers, or life long friends.

 

I had friends like yours. I thought they were friends till they stuck me with the bill a little to many times. They take your friendship for granted and come back when they need you.

 

They are leeches on the friendship and it really is not a friendship.

 

The thing about those friendships is that you have to categorize them to a different level. Like classmate friends, childhood friends, acquaintances, strangers, good friends, etc... Even friendship come and go over time.

[D-Lish]

Hey Delicious!

 

Friendships change over time, some are forever stuck as strangers, acquaintances, lovers, or life long friends.

 

I had friends like yours. I thought they were friends till they stuck me with the bill a little to many times. They take your friendship for granted and come back when they need you.

 

They are leeches on the friendship and it really is not a friendship.

 

The thing about those friendships is that you have to categorize them to a different level. Like classmate friends, childhood friends, acquaintances, strangers, good friends, etc... Even friendship come and go over time.

 

 

yeah. that's true.

 

I still see my childhood gf's from grade school once a month for dinner. The four of us meet and make sure to keep in touch. Of course they have babies and husbands, etc... But I still know any one of those girls would drop what they are doing to help me if I ever asked. Those old friendships are really valuable.

 

This is the first time in my life that I have been the ONLY single person in my friend circle. I literally mean THE ONLY single person. It's strange to be in that place. So when my friend continually bails on me and that leaves me stranded at home alone- I just want to strangle her!

[imbewildered]

I have tried talking to her, but she only apologizes, promises to make an effort and then continues with the same behaviour.

 

I am at my wits end with her. She's been making plans and bailing over and over for the last year and a half.

 

 

The real problem here is why YOU continue to make plans with someone who has demonstrated deeply entrenched behavior like this. Are you waiting and hoping for her to act like she is someone else ?

She unreliable, disrespectful and uncaring about your time and your feelings. Why do you lament this "friendship" which offers you nothing but letdowns, broken promises and the subsequent resentment that you expressed in your post.

Dump her - just like you would dump any guy who treated you like this.

[Trialbyfire]

She strikes me as someone who's insecure by her jealousy of your other friends. She attempts to isolate you when she needs you but when she's in a relationship, ignores you because she already has someone to create a co-dependent relationship with.

 

A good friend should be encouraging your friendship with others, while giving and receiving in equal proportions, not necessarily all the time because the pendulum swings more for one v. the other at different times during long-term friendships.

[D-Lish]

The real problem here is why YOU continue to make plans with someone who has demonstrated deeply entrenched behavior like this. Are you waiting and hoping for her to act like she is someone else ?

She unreliable, disrespectful and uncaring about your time and your feelings. Why do you lament this "friendship" which offers you nothing but letdowns, broken promises and the subsequent resentment that you expressed in your post.

Dump her - just like you would dump any guy who treated you like this.

 

Probably has a lot to do with our initial history.

She and I both divorced our partners at the same time, and at that time we developed a deep bond. But even then, I was the "listener" and "comforter"....

 

I think sometimes I enjoy being in the role of the caregiver, and in that sense, at times the relationship was strangely reciprocal. She was needy, and I got fulfillment out of being a rescuer. I know that probably sounds weird. When I am in pain, I get a semblence of comfort out of helping others. It's escaping in a way, but t also feels good to be needed and relied upon. I don't know why- but i found much of my strength dealing with my divorce- by being HER "psuedo-therapist".

 

But I guess, it took me longer than necessary to realize that when my real time of crisis came this past year- she hasn't had the capacity to be my stability. Not even to ask if I am okay or take one day away from watching dvd's with her guy to come by and see me.

When I am in crisis she actually gets annoyed. Even when we went through our divorces together- I found more comfort in listening than lamenting. THAT worked at that time, even helped me to heal. I was needed, I was helping someone- someone was feeling better because of my influence and actions.

 

It's different now. The stuff that has affected me and brought me to my knees the last coulple years Is something I want to lament to her about and have her support for. I remember the first time I brought up my problems with alcohol addiction, and illustrated it with a story that really shook me into how much trouble I was in with binge drinking. Her response was to judge me and tell me she couldn't deal with my drama. I was losing my business, selling my loft to pay my debts out... but that was drama to her.

 

Keeping in mind I sat in the hospital with her for two weeks 6 years ago while she was on suicide watch with an iv delivering nutirents to her emaciated body. (also anorexic and obsessive compulsive). I'd known her for a while before this happened to her but she was falling apart, eating nothing and I called her parents to help get her admitted. Then I saw her through that crisis and we remained entwined. This was due to her husband cheating on her- and my husband had just gotten another woman pregant- so we fell into common ground- and clicked.

 

Our friendship grew form there, and as I said- she needed a stronger person to help guide her...and I was stronger...and helping her made me feel even stronger. So it was conveniently reciprocal at the time... and lasted until I started falling apart with my business woes.

 

I guess I look back, and I remember holding her hand in the hospital... but now I find myself being totally resentful that she would see my drunken binges to escape as being too much drama for her to want to talk about or see me through with a helping hand.

 

You're right- it's a negative enmeshment- our friendship is only good when I am happy D. She's not going to turn around and be my rock because I am where I am.

 

It is a bit like a romantic relationship.... from my end, I remember the good and disregard what is so wrong.

 

It'll be tough- but I have to work on me for a change. Allowing her to continually disappoint me isn't a healthy friendship.

[Nemo]

She's probably just too busy boning. Wait for the tool to lose a bit of it's shine, or perhaps offer a threesome. If you really want the benefits of friendship, then you must first find a friend with benefits.

[Nevermind]

D,

 

could the boyfriend play an active role in her behaviour? Does he maybe not like her to spend time with somebody else? My ex used to bully me when I went out alone, and blew up my phone when I wouldn't send a text each hour or so. I stopped going out altogether at that time. Maybe she is too stuck in this co-dependence to realize what she is doing.

 

However, you can only do so much and it seems that you did your part. If she isn't willing to work for this friendship, then you should leave her be.

 

Either she will change, or she won't. There is nothing you can do to help her with this.

[Lishy]

I have had a few friends do this Dee, nost I just got out of my life as I can do without fair weather friends but one friend I have kept, I love her so much that I dont care what she doe I just want her in my life

 

This girl sounds very selfish and self centred!

[KinAZ]

I would change the way I dealt with her. The BBD that Carhill mentioned... my bff has the same syndrome, and it got worse with time. I simply had to change the way I dealt with her and yes, she noticed this too. Similarly, if I tried to explain, she thought I was making a huge deal out of nothing, calling her a bad friend, *really* upset over something else, and the list goes on and on.

 

Now she just gets the same treatment. I've always been a telephone person, but some years ago, I stopped answering her calls when I was busy. I'll read her messages when I get them, and reply when I'm really not doing anything else. It's not spiteful behavior, but I just realized that what I value in my friendships is not the same as what she values anymore. Sure, she may expect to be able to change, yet expect the way I interact with her to stay the same, but... there's no point in telling someone the same thing over and over again. Back up and let them take the hint...

 

As far as you not even being able to reach her... that's very rude and disrespectful, and such a person wouldn't be able to reach me again after doing that a few times. When she calls... just press "ignore". Give yourself some time to think about the situation. If she complains about your absence, just calmly explain that her rudeness really has no excuse, you understand that she has many other obligations, but you do as well, and you don't treat her in such a manner.

 

If she keeps it up, just pull away. It's HARD when you see the dynamics of a really close friendship start to change in such a way, but some people can't be reasoned with, and they have to learn about good behavior/bad behavior the hard way, with time.

 

More than anything, this reminds me of an old friend who I heard from only when she wanted something or needed an ear/shoulder etc etc. I consider such people users, and that one I totally cut off. She was supposedly "born again", and tried to revive the friendship, but... I just lost a lot of trust in her, and stayed nice, but far away.

[torranceshipman]

I think this girl just sounds like a selfish piece of work and it seems like you get NOTHING out of this relationship other than annoyance and frustration, broken plans and you sitting home alone because she's let you down YET again and hasnt even bothered calling to apologise.

 

If this was a guy you were dating, you'd have kicked him to the kerb a long time ago! I'd tell her she's lost her chance, disrespected you long eough and you dont want to be friends with someone like her anymore. Seriously, why retain the drama in your life that comes with knowing her? And you just KNOW that in a coupla months, or whenever, she'll have a blow out with her man and come running to you, demanding you listen to her whining!

[Rowen]

This has happend to me over and over with my ex gf. We broke up about 11 months ago now....

 

after a few months, things didn't go well with the new couple bf's she had. She came back to me.. went out for dinner, she wanted me back... but was scared she didn't know what I wanted and ran away.. now this is the third time she's ran away and has another sleezy bf..... I don't get her. She wanted to hang out, was coming closer, we had some heart to hears, then she just drops off the face of the earth when she finds another crush or another guy has interest in her.

 

I notice it too, with her other friends. Half the time when she's in these relationships, her friends are posting on her wall "hun.. where'd you go in my life???!?

 

So it's just not me.

 

With my ex.. it's not if.. it's when the next bf will dump her (becuase of her insecurities and insaneness) and talk to me again.

 

I know for sure now, the next time it happens. I am going to be very clear with her.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Why do some people get into relationships and ditch all outside contact?

I'm still waiting for someone to speculate an answer to this!

 

I thought this was something young people did out of immaturity, before they learn how to balance relationships with friendships or whatnot, but it seems from this thread a lot of people (of every age group) experience the same.

[EYECANDY000]

Honestly, I feel like my friends get one free pass with me. Let me explain.

I have came to the conclusion that , that is just how some women are. Yes it sucks but thats the reality. I feel like once my friend starts to have trouble in her relationship and she comes back to me for comfort, then Ill be there with open arms. Maybe then she would realize that friends will always be there no matter what.

 

And thats my free pass.

 

If it happens again, then I can see that she wasn't a freind to begin with and she picks all her men, over her friend. So, I would throw her in the "associate" bunch. Where I only talk to her every once in a while.

[sfsassy]

The only time I ditched a woman friend because of a relationship was when the woman was constatly badmouthing my relationship. She had been like that with all my other boyfriends, and I was sick of it. She was a lesbian and the general consesus was she liked me, and the way she dealt with her jealousy was by being overly critical of my relationships. She criticicied the fact that I liked heterosexual acts. Yes, since I like GUYS and ALL.

I have three what I ould consider more BFF and no guy could ever come between us. When I've been wwith someone I have made it a point to schedule time with these fabulous woman. I'm also not one to flake on people. Ive also had several lesbian friends who accepted I liked guys, and were happy for my good fortune when I have been with someone.