Late twenties/Early thirties dating....and kids from previous relationships

[CD111]

So I have recently realized (my birthday is coming up) I am a few days away from being in my late twenties. After some thought and self reflection I have concluded my twenties have consisted of a few relationships, perpetual school work, regular work and having a good time with friends. Granted I don't have the same enthusiasm for keg stands and drinking games as I used too and I definitely am much wiser then I was 8 years ago, but for the most part my twenties have been the same old same old. One thought has not crossed my mind up until recently is that there may be a very good possibility that I might find myself attracted to and possibly want to date a guy that has kids. I don't have any kids, but I like kids and one day would like to have some of my own. But I would have never even entertain the idea of dating a guy with a child even two years ago. Now, I don't object so completely anymore. But, I do realize I am getting into some pretty uncharted territory for me and by that I don't just mean the actual kids themselves. I mean the mothers and how relationships change when children are involved. In a way I really feel for the kids too. Knowing their parents are dating other people and seeing dad with yet another girlfriend has got to be really hard. So in all reality I don't even know how to approach the situation. Maybe I am giving this more thought then I really should but I just like to have a little bit of heads up. So if any of you have some good advice that would be great. Thanks

[Arch]

Don't try to be their mother, you are not her and will never be her, just try to be their friend and don't try to take away the time they have with their father.

Edited March 22, 2008 by Arch

[blind_otter]

I always said I would never date a man with kids. I made an exception with my SO. It was different when we were just dating casually, not staying at each others' houses and eventually living together. But when we started living together it became much more difficult.

 

I'll just say this - DO NOT enter into a relationship with someone who has a child lightly. Make SURE that you are completely comfortable with the idea. Then take all your preconceived notions and throw them out the window. There is no such thing as giving a situation like this too much thought.

 

On some level yeah, you are their friend. But you are also an authority figure and depending on their parent, you may be required to discipline and set limits. It's like getting injected into parenthood without the preceding years of infancy to bond with the child.

 

It is NOT an easy road, for the most part. All you have to do is visit some step-parenting forums to see how many people have a difficult time with the variables involved in a blended family.

[Arch]

I always said I would never date a man with kids. I made an exception with my SO. It was different when we were just dating casually, not staying at each others' houses and eventually living together. But when we started living together it became much more difficult.

 

I'll just say this - DO NOT enter into a relationship with someone who has a child lightly. Make SURE that you are completely comfortable with the idea. Then take all your preconceived notions and throw them out the window. There is no such thing as giving a situation like this too much thought.

 

On some level yeah, you are their friend. But you are also an authority figure and depending on their parent, you may be required to discipline and set limits. It's like getting injected into parenthood without the preceding years of infancy to bond with the child.

 

It is NOT an easy road, for the most part. All you have to do is visit some step-parenting forums to see how many people have a difficult time with the variables involved in a blended family.

 

She will never be the kids mother and they will never look at her like one, she will always simply be the person taking time away from them and their father..... thats the truth.

[marlena]

At your age, it would be better to find someone who doesn't have kids. It's a tall order, trust me.

[Star Gazer]

She will never be the kids mother and they will never look at her like one, she will always simply be the person taking time away from them and their father..... thats the truth.

 

Not necessarily true. It depends on what their relationship is/was like with their mother to begin with. My Ex from about 2 years ago had sole custody of two kids who VERY MUCH wanted me to be their mommy-replacement. They were desperate for a woman's love, a motherly touch...but their biological mother wasn't a very good mother to begin with.

[Phateless]

I'm with you on the getting into late twenties thing. The game is changing... I'm still holding out for someone single, no kids, no baggage. Apparently that's a lot to ask these days...

[blind_otter]

She will never be the kids mother and they will never look at her like one, she will always simply be the person taking time away from them and their father

 

Do you have some sort of issue with step-parents that makes you personalize this?

 

Quite obviously you have never been in a dynamic where you are in a longterm committed relationship with someone who has kids.

 

Both my SO and his wife have asked me to be involved with raising their child. Ultimately it is up to the parents - if they want you involved in the child's life you can't really tell them no.

[Little Shy]

All blind_otter says is true, true, true. I have had quite a bit of experience in this realm, and it started when I was in my mid 20's. Before that time, I, like you, would have merely passed on a man that had children, as a dating partner.

If it is not your 1st choice to date a man with children, I would say being in your later 20's you still have a shot at this.

I am sure you have other criteria as well, and honestly, at your age I do not believe it is unfair to rule out men with children.

I am now in my 30's, and as I am a woman who generally dates men at my age, or a bit older, it has become a REAL challenge for me to date a man without any children. At my age, if I establish no children as dating criteria, my pool narrows down to about 20% available! Ouch!

I will not bore the OP with my experience in dating long term men with kids, I couldn't put it any better than blind_otter already did.

[Arch]

Do you have some sort of issue with step-parents that makes you personalize this?

 

Quite obviously you have never been in a dynamic where you are in a longterm committed relationship with someone who has kids.

 

Both my SO and his wife have asked me to be involved with raising their child. Ultimately it is up to the parents - if they want you involved in the child's life you can't really tell them no.

 

Yea I do, step parents should not exist.

[CD111]

Thanks for the advice. I definitely realize I would not be the replacement mom and in all reality I wouldn't want to be. My current out look on dating is not to rush into things too fast. To take some time to actually get to know the person before I make any serious commitments not matter if they have kids or not. So it's not like I would just hope into a relationship and move in with a guy that has a child. I guess it's probably different if the guy have full custody or just partial. But being thought of as "the gf that takes my time away from my dad" is not appealing one bit. I would hate to be thought of like that.

[Uncertain123]

I'm in this boat too now (I'm 30). I have health issues (the big "c", but currently in remission), and I probably will not have children. It's okay, I'd already sort of decided I was indifferent to the idea of having my own children even before this other stuff came up. I'm not exactly the world's most patient person with babies/toddlers/small children, and I have a very demanding career with ridiculous hours that I enjoy immensely and am thriving in, so it's not like I would be the best mom anyway, LOL. But I do love children, and I really enjoy talking to and being around older kids. I think I can provide a lot of advice and assistance, particularly if I'm not expected to be the child's parent.

 

Being sick changed my mindset on almost everything -- I don't look at people's situations as "baggage" anymore. I have an openness that I never had before; I don't think in absolutes or generalizations anymore. Life is much more positive when you take each person and each experience for what it is, rather than trying to create context based on vast over-generalizations.

 

With that in mind, as I started to date men with children, I realized that I'm often very happy in this role. I love to see men in their fathering role -- it really fills me with joy to step back and watch a man interacting with his children. Yes, you will have many limitations and interruptions in your time with him, but they are not children for very long and they really do need their father's attention. Whether you have children or not, if you love children and respect the parent/child bond, you will adjust to the demands. If you pick a good man, who is committed to his children and able to put them first, but he is creative enough to balance this with his love for you, then you know you've struck gold and eventually you will have more and time of his time as the years go by. Children can bring a focus and new dimension to a man's life -- they enhance his spiritual life and create grounding. They are another source of love in his life, and, barring unusual tragedy, you know that even if something happens to you, he will have his children and the family life they can provide him well into his old age. For me, this last point is tremendous. I also feel less guilty knowing that a man already has children, and is not dependent on me to meet his desire to become a father. For me, focusing on those benefits makes the day-to-day bumps easier to accept.

 

The current object of my affection is a father to one child. He is an incredibly sweet man, and I suspect it's cultivated by his parenting role. He is nurturing and attentive to me in ways that I have never experienced from any member of the opposite sex! He has the insight that only a mother usually has, and he expresses concern and demonstrates nurturing. I think it's because he is the dominant caretaker when his child is with him.

 

And I also think step-parents can play a very unique role. For me, I have the financial means to open a lot of doors for a child. I'm at a place professionally and income-wise where there's really no tuition I couldn't pay, and no hobby/art/sport I could not finance all the way to the elite level. I would really love to someday be able to be an advocate and financial supporter to a child's advancement. I don't even care if I don't get to call the shots (i.e., choose the schools or choose the activities), I don't expect the child to know that the support came from me, and I don't even expect the child to thank me. I want to be the one standing in the back of the room beaming with pride when this child reaches dreams that maybe would not have been reachable otherwise, because of the love, attention of his/her father and mother, and the special and instrumental role I was able to play.