Jump to content

I haven't dated in 10 years


ubioubiestmeamsububi

Recommended Posts

ubioubiestmeamsububi

First off let me state, that I don't think I am ugly looking or anything, I get told every once in a while that I am a decent looking cat. I am also well educated and have a decent job so I am successful in those regards too. I, however, just SUCK at meeting women. I don't know, I just get so nervous, almost to the point of panic, when people get close to me. I feel it all has to do with the fact that I was sexually molested when I was 5-6 years old. I hate it when people touch me, which is why I never try to get close to anyone else. It also bothers me to touch other people. I go to the bars and clubs all the time with my friends and dance. Girls always try to come up to me and dance with me by I always end up working myself away or else they simply leave because I will not dance with them closely or put my hands on their hips etc. I feel so frustrated because I would like to date regularly, but the moment anyone tries to touch me or tries to get close to me, it instantly triggers me to panic or to become very timid. I know I should probably get help from some doc, but health insurance doesn't cover mental stuff, so there is no way in hell I can afford it. I would like to date someone but at the same time would hate to have to burden them with my cross that I have bearing for the majority of my life. Does anyone else possibly have a similar experience like this? What did you do?

Link to post
Share on other sites
First off let me state, that I don't think I am ugly looking or anything, I get told every once in a while that I am a decent looking cat. I am also well educated and have a decent job so I am successful in those regards too. I, however, just SUCK at meeting women. I don't know, I just get so nervous, almost to the point of panic, when people get close to me. I feel it all has to do with the fact that I was sexually molested when I was 5-6 years old. I hate it when people touch me, which is why I never try to get close to anyone else. It also bothers me to touch other people. I go to the bars and clubs all the time with my friends and dance. Girls always try to come up to me and dance with me by I always end up working myself away or else they simply leave because I will not dance with them closely or put my hands on their hips etc. I feel so frustrated because I would like to date regularly, but the moment anyone tries to touch me or tries to get close to me, it instantly triggers me to panic or to become very timid. I know I should probably get help from some doc, but health insurance doesn't cover mental stuff, so there is no way in hell I can afford it. I would like to date someone but at the same time would hate to have to burden them with my cross that I have bearing for the majority of my life. Does anyone else possibly have a similar experience like this? What did you do?

 

Yes, I have a very similar experience. I have flashbacks to that age and I recall masturbating not just out of curiosity, but having some kind of sexual knowledge that I shouldn't have been able to have. I don't know if I was molested but surely I was exposed to something inappropriate. I've had lots of symptoms of abuse, but that doesn't prove it.

 

I certainly had the same anxieties you feel when starting to date. I hate being touched. If my college track coach so much as put his arm around me for support, I'd cringe. I really couldn't tolerate being touched by anyone in any context, and when a woman was involved, I'd back down. I'd have panic attacks.

 

First, there are services for you. You can find support groups online, and most major cities will probably have free sexual abuse support group counseling. There are also free support groups for depression and anxiety. Try NAMI and DBSA.

 

I'd take a massage class or get massages...just to be exposed to non sexual touch. I'd take a female friend dancing with you and if you trust her, explain your history. Ask her to non sexually dance with you. This will expose you that it is ok to be touched.

 

As for anxiety, that requires some mental work. I wouldn't worry about grinding at clubs. When I first started dating, holding a girls hand was nerve wracking. It sucked. I was scared of it. I needed to learn how to mentally cope with my anxiety, specifically how I would beat myself up if I didn't make a move, because that meant I was a loser because any normal guy would have been having sex, whereas I couldn't hold her hand.

 

All I can say is be patient and persistent, and have compassion for yourself. To overcome this, it requires time. It won't happen overnight. It will be wrought with pain along the way. But you can be a totally different person in 6 months, and another person in 2 years. It's well worth it to make that change.

Link to post
Share on other sites
First off let me state, that I don't think I am ugly looking or anything, I get told every once in a while that I am a decent looking cat. I am also well educated and have a decent job so I am successful in those regards too. I, however, just SUCK at meeting women. I don't know, I just get so nervous, almost to the point of panic, when people get close to me. I feel it all has to do with the fact that I was sexually molested when I was 5-6 years old. I hate it when people touch me, which is why I never try to get close to anyone else. It also bothers me to touch other people. I go to the bars and clubs all the time with my friends and dance. Girls always try to come up to me and dance with me by I always end up working myself away or else they simply leave because I will not dance with them closely or put my hands on their hips etc. I feel so frustrated because I would like to date regularly, but the moment anyone tries to touch me or tries to get close to me, it instantly triggers me to panic or to become very timid. I know I should probably get help from some doc, but health insurance doesn't cover mental stuff, so there is no way in hell I can afford it. I would like to date someone but at the same time would hate to have to burden them with my cross that I have bearing for the majority of my life. Does anyone else possibly have a similar experience like this? What did you do?

 

Ok, the first thing you need to do is stop making your personal insecurity issue into this insurmountable problem. Your post was very defeatist, as though you have already decided that you're going to be alone for the rest of your life. You sound like a smart guy, but one that's letting his past life dictate his present life.

 

You have fueled your insecurties, you give them power by allowing them to so greatly influence your life. You let your insecurities keep you from what you want. You got hurt when you were young. But that was a long time ago. You accept that it happened, you accept that it wasn't your fault. So now you need to look ahead to what lies before you. Until you begin to let go of your past, you will continue to carry it around as a cross.

 

I'm no psychologist, but I know that we all have baggage. We've all been hurt by others. But eventually we need to get rid of the old baggage and move on. You will simply not be able to date until you deal with your old baggage and leave it in the past. When you do that, you'll have your whole life in front of you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...