attracting the wrong people

[Lucky555]

A new guy has entered my life however

 

he recently broke up with his ex about 2 weeks ago

he had been pursuing me for over a month

he now is wanting to stay in touch by being able to have my email.

 

I have dont have feelings for this guy he does drugs, no job, family supports him, and he drinks a lot.

 

Yeah they are red flags. I keep attracting these people? WHY WHY!

 

Last guy...the one i still like was hung up on his ex..gosh i wish i wasnt so stupid as to get attached. Too late now but even though i have feelings i don't have to pursue them. Friends is better for now.

 

Summer boyfriend, found out he was a drunk and he did drugs.

 

The only guy who does not do either one of these is the guy who is EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE there i found his term.

 

So i need to get out of this cycle! I don't know what to do to not attract them.

 

I am a bit of a perfectionist, goal orientated, pursuing a good career, work in the summer time. I am a very nice person, attractive and i value myself.HOWEVER....

 

Without changing myself i need to know how to stop attracting them..Maybe i should not talk to them and avoid them and act really mean.

Which is not me at all. I just am so tired of scum and people who just want to cling to something good hoping their life would be better.

 

Does anyone else encounter this and do u have tips or does anyone have experiences attracting the wrong people?

[Legend]

Do you judge guys too harshly by looks before you date them and get to know them?

 

The first thing to do would be figure out why you're attracting these types of people.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Hm...I felt like that too after my last ex broke up with me out of nowhere and then found out he had been cheating on me with an 18yr old. (that was after two other douchebags whom i dont even want to remember)

 

After all that I had to regroup and ponder for a minute. the most important thing for me was to really think about who I had attracted in the past and look at how I felt about myself during those times. Without fail, when I was depressed I attracted a very depressive guy, who hated who he was and how lonely he was. When I felt I wasnt good enough for something, I attracted someone who felt the same way about himself, etc.

I say you may want to look within yourself what is it that you are projecting that makes those type of men come to you. Are you projecting someone who is reckless? who drinks and does drugs or associate with people who do?

 

Think about who YOU want to be, what makes YOU happy, and then think about what type of man is going to fit in that picture. Then you may want to start living in a way that makes you happy without the man, be it that you need to reassess the type of people you are associating with, the type of job you do, whatever it is that is making you unhappy, change it and i assure you, the right type of guy will come along.

 

A drug addict will not be attracted to someone who seems centered and focused, just as a focused man will not be attracted to someone who SEEMS (even if your not) to be scattered and in need of his help to move along in life .

 

Good luck!

[Trialbyfire]

It's also the environment. Where do you usually meet prospectives?

[jcster]

I've often complained about the same thing. Then I realized that just because I am attracting those sorts, doesn't mean that I have to date them. I really think that it's just a law of averages. There are a lot of single losers out there, and so that's the majority of the guys that are going to come after you. That doesn't mean that there aren't some good ones too, but they're just fewer and farther between. I'm in my early 40's and it sometimes feels like all the sane ones are taken (or in hiding).

 

Stick to your standards, and the undesireables will get the message.

[Lucky555]

When i am just hanging out with groups of people i am an accepting individual.

 

FOR relationships i have standards. I think the reason i am stuck on a guy who is not emotionally available is because he doesn't do drugs, doesn't really drink, and has a job. He also is someone who clicks with my personality. However, he is unavailable emotionally.

 

I am available emotionally i do meet a lot of people but have not found someone that i would want to date. I am not actively seeking guys or anything but its been a while that i have met someone who is available on all levels.

 

The environment at some points seems to be the case.

I am deciding right now no matter how lonely i get i am going to not settle for a loser of a guy. I think if i keep my options open, my standards fair as in no drugs, social drinking, and then take it from there. I won't let these guys have the time of day.

 

 

So I believe that i am generally happy, and have goals in my life which is what all of these guys admired about me. its as if they are going nowhere and they want to cling to me and because they think they will have a better life or something.

I believe that everyone lives their life the way they chose to when talking about drugs and drinking. If they want help they can get it, but this is why i think i shouldn't even talk to them, like not give them an open door to think they even stand a chance.

[Jilly Bean]

You are attracting these losers because you have no boundaries. Establish some guidelines for yourself of appropriate behavior, treatment, and what energy you do want in your life.

[Lucky555]

Jilly Bean

 

What do u mean by having no boundaries?

[Jilly Bean]

Lucky - emotionally grounded and healthy people have boundaries in place. What this means is that you have a clear-cut sense of your own identity and how you define appropriate behaviors in your life. These unsavory types are consistently "getting in" to your life, because you do not have your own boundaries in place, so you are (unconsciously) allowing all types to permeate the patina. Often abuse victims have problems establishing boundaries, obviously theirs were consistently crossed and invaded.

[Lucky555]

These boundaries, how do i set them in place?

 

Is there a guide for these boundaries? (Anything that i could read to help me in this area? )

 

Like this guy that i can't get over, that i left months ago and then gave him another shot, only to be treated the same way again. Ignored and unhappy and yet i blame myself for thinking everything would be different. I am lucky i don't have to seem him on new years in a group that i hang out with because i have canceled due to being sick. I also read a previous post that reminded me of this situation and i have found that it will never change, lots of people have had this type of person enter their lives and they suggest to just get far far away from them) I have not contacted him and i plan to move on. However, he has used my brother to get me into his life and i have become his "friend" I don't believe we are friends..and yet i still let him think we are friends. (however, he has crossed the line of friends with me and manipulates me, and uses sarcasm a lot and i tolerate it when i should say goodbye!)

What am i afraid of i should just tell him to go away but I just want peace.

 

You are right, these people do permeate into my life and i should not let them. These must be the boundaries here? Not letting them have the chance and seeing that they are not good in any way and just to block them out and not become friends or anything else.

 

I think i need to start fighting for myself and stop listening to scum. In my mind i believe now i understand the concept of boundaries. I think i have been letting guys enter and let them just suck the life out of me until there is nothing left. They feel better and i feel worse. I'm not depressed just now realizing what i need to change and how i should act around these types of people that i do not want in my life and that they don't better my life in anyway! I am not going to stop being nice i just am going to stop being a MAT for them to walk on and i should have more control and say what i need to say, such as "i am not interested" just say it..and not worry about hurting them.

 

Finally i think i have realized some of those boundaries.

 

 

I have hope and dreams for my future and i know what i want. I know what i have for standards for myself. I don't do drugs, i drink socially, i am studying to be a therapist actually. I have things going in my life i just need to find the same in some one else.

[Jilly Bean]

Well Lucky, having solid boundaries is an exercise in not only being able to understand yourself, but also in being able to set limits an adhere to them.

 

It's more of an attitude and personal development issue, really. It's not something I can, nor would I want to, venture to guide you in on this forum. I can tell you that you can google it (emotional boundaries) and find a lot of information, or seek therapy. It's something that is a process, and will take time and practice. But it really does stem from knowing yourself, and understanding what YOU feel is a healthy crossing line in your life. Many of the people you have posed frustation with dealing with, are people that I would not only never encounter, but if I did, I wouldn't give them the time of day. Why? Because my boundaries are in the place so I would not allow this energy in my life. Don't get me wrong, I still stumble from time to time, but for the most part, I have come a LONG way with this.

 

The encouraging thing for you, is that you do feel these people serve no purpose in your life (which is true), and that you do acknowledge you want to make changes to eliminate this type of energy. That's great! Like any profound change we need to make, indentifying and admitting the issue is step one. The rest will be easy. And the more you do it, and love yourself, and applaud yourself for making changes and taking care of yourself, the happier you will be, and the more you will attract the right kind of people and situations in your life.

 

[Lucky555]

I did look up emotional boundaries and i now understand it. I do recognize some of my behaviors. I realized the difference just then the importance of identifying being of the self and behavior.

 

Such as a person can be a great being but their behavior i should recognize and nip it right there. I have found i make excuses like they are a nice person why are they like this ect. I DONT SAY ANYTHING. However, now i will say something when corresponding.

 

I know it will take time to make this change. but i really need to change the way i react to a situation. If a guy is using a tone i basically back away and instead i should say "I feel horrible when you talk to me like that" I am afraid of hurting their feelings ect.

 

Thanks a bunch.

[Jilly Bean]

Well, it's not only a matter of maintaining your boundaries in established relationships, but it's also to recognize the people that have NO business being in your life to begin with. I mean, guy #1 that you mentioned - he serves absolutely no purpose to you. You know you don't want him in your life, yet he got in. It's also important that you know the good people from the bad, and cut them off from the get-go.

 

As far as letting people know when they cross the line, when they make an inappropriate comment or overture, you just tell them you will not tolerate the behavior. Even in small ways. For instance, even when I will tell someone I don't want to do something, or go somewhere, and they are being very persistent, I will just finally say, look, I'm not going, and I don't appreciate you trying to compromise my boundaries. And if it is someone who cares about you, they will back off, and respect you, and also learn the lines they can, and can't cross. I mean, I get this even when my parents are trying to get me to do something I don't want to - lol. Obviously they are not out to hurt me, but they also need to be told sometimes that I am not bending to appease others if it doesn't feel right to me.

 

Get what I mean?

 

[unimoko]

I used to struggle with that for a long time in my relationships. Maintaing boundaries with others, not just men. I used to beleive 1 or both of these thoughts.

 

A. If I tried hard or ignored it would get better

B. There must be something wrong with me.

 

It never occured to me that mayabe there was something wrong with these guys and that there was nothing I could to fix.

Furthmore I could not be anyones savior, it was up to them to fix the chaos in their life. And I could not see the "potential" in anyone. This is what I had and I was the only one who hurted the most in the end.

 

Take an inventory of your childhood and your relationships you had with your parents. It was frightening obviuos to me once I was honest with myself that I was attracting loosers because I was afraid of being loved and that I wanted to fix all the wrongs in my life.

 

Its a painful journey but everyday it gets better.

[Jilly Bean]

I used to struggle with that for a long time in my relationships. Maintaing boundaries with others, not just men. I used to beleive 1 or both of these thoughts.

 

A. If I tried hard or ignored it would get better

B. There must be something wrong with me.

 

It never occured to me that mayabe there was something wrong with these guys and that there was nothing I could to fix.

Furthmore I could not be anyones savior, it was up to them to fix the chaos in their life. And I could not see the "potential" in anyone. This is what I had and I was the only one who hurted the most in the end.

 

Take an inventory of your childhood and your relationships you had with your parents. It was frightening obviuos to me once I was honest with myself that I was attracting loosers because I was afraid of being loved and that I wanted to fix all the wrongs in my life.

 

Its a painful journey but everyday it gets better.

 

That's very good, and there is a lot of truth in what you say. But people without boundaries are also afraid to stand up for themselves and how they are treated, because they fear repercussions - whether rejection, displeasure, violence, etc. It really comes down to this core point.

[Lucky555]

thanks for helping me determine what i need to do. i agree its boundaries that need to be set.

[Jilly Bean]

You're very welcome.

[D-Lish]

Here is what I find... and I have posted these thoughts before.

 

When I am in a good place and feeling good about myself, I attract and choose to date worthy men...but when I am having esteem issues, or feeling negative- I tend to attract and get attached to unworthy men.

 

I think it's all about the vibe you may subconsciously give off- and might not even know you do this. But there is a difference between attracting these guys- you'll attract all sorts of guys when at any given time- I think it's about accepting dates with the worthy vs unworthy men.

 

I have been in a tizzy since my divorce 4 years ago- and since that time I have been so scared of experiencing that pain again- that I choose men that a healthy relationship isn't possible with. Then I convince myself I could change them or that their love for me is enough...and I end up getting hurt.

 

I don't Think you have a problem weeding out the bad from the good- you know which men would make a good partner and which would not. Continue to follow your gut about that and simply say no to the guys that you know won't be good for you.

 

It's easy to date people simply out of lonliness, to pass time- to stroke your ego a bit... but ultimately you'll learn these men are just time wasters. It's much better to be alone than to be dating the wrong kind of guys.

 

I have been dating time wasters for a long time now.

It hasn't made me happy or fulfilled. In the short term, it fills a void- but anything longer than a couple dates and it's not worth the energy.

 

I spent 6 weeks with a real young guy- no car, little ambition... but he made me laugh and provided me with some good time filler. Unfortunately I got wrapped up in him and it didn't work out. How was it ever going to work with a young guy who is in a completely different place in life than I am?? I knew that from the beginning and dated him anyway.

 

I am glad you are discerning- much more than I am by the sounds of it.

I don't go for the drinkers...just the young guys who are obviously too imature to commit. Hey- it's not hard to fantasize you can make it work with a loser. i think we have all been there.

 

You said it yourself- you have your sh*t together- you are happy where your life is at... so only accept dates with those men that exemplify the same atributes. They are out there!

[unimoko]

 

I think it's all about the vibe you may subconsciously give off- and might not even know you do this. But there is a difference between attracting these guys- you'll attract all sorts of guys when at any given time- I think it's about accepting dates with the worthy vs unworthy men.

 

 

I like what you said, however its harder said than done I beleive when selecting a mate. The old saying goes "Hungry people make poor Shoppers" So true.

I think when you are so desperate and needy for a love you can make yourself beleive things that are not necessarily true. A pauper can turn into the "misfortunate prince" and a misogynist can be a man who just hasn't met the "right one". I think we can convince ourselves things to fill our needs and desires.

 

And only when you take a step back and look at your motivates for entering the relationship can you tell the "worthy vs the unworthy".

Edited December 31, 2007 by unimoko

[Lucky555]

I am glad that i have received so much assistance and guidance.

 

I have never heard of emotional boundaries till i asked on this forum. Its the first time I actually know whats going on with attracting losers or mixing up with the wrong people.

 

Its been a wake up call for me. I have made the first steps to getting people out of my life.

 

1. A guy that is no good for me wanted to be added to my myspace..i did being polite but i am not contacting him nor will i acknowledge him. Usually i would say "hey" or something polite but that just invites them to talk to me ect. Nope not going there.

 

2. I canceled a hang out with the guy that is emotionally unavailable. Granted its a social setting but i need to Watch out for myself! I am still polite but i am not wasting my time or energy on something thats headed nowhere. no more heartbreak.

i told this guy that i was sick ect. and i wished him a happy new year. which is all true. He didn't reply, didn't say happy new year, and didn't say hope you feel better. What a jerk, but on to something better. It hurt for a bit just knowing that i am severing the ties and making this step out of total nothingness. I just have to stay strong. its a stupid game to him i think, its been going on for a year and half. long story short hes out.

 

i am going to continue working on myself and focusing on myself. I know what i want from a relationship and such but "hoping" things will get better isn't going to do.

 

I have just realized the difference between behavior and being. I think people are good and they may have values but their behavior is the problem. I like this new concept. I have been looking at guys as a whole, as in but they were not like this before can't it be fixed? And then they continue doing the same thing again. So i think this is going to make a big difference.

[Jilly Bean]

You're going to do fine. It's really a matter of trusting your inner gut a lot of the times to learn the behavior. If someones actions, or requests or attitudes make you uncomfortable, then you need not bend to appease or accommodate them at the risk of your own emotional and physical well-being.

 

Like D said - once you make these changes and start living this way, then the wrong people will automatically not even approach you, and only the most appropriate energies will enter your life.