Does Attraction Invite Attraction?

[Michael Corleone]

All other things being equal, if a member of the opposite sex reveals to you (expressly or impliedly) that they are attracted to you, do you find them more attractive than if they had not done so?

 

I pose this question because it goes to the idea of revealing one's romantic feelings for another. In my opinion, there is an underlying risk/reward relation between revealing your romantic feelings to someone during a courtship and whether that person will reciprocate with equally romantic feelings. In other words, by revealing your feelings, you make yourself vulnerable, creating the possibility that that person will either reciprocate, or not. From an emotional standpoint, you will either rise or fall.

 

So, it would seem like all things being equal, whether you reveal your romantic feelings for someone is a 50/50 proposition. The chances that they happen to have the same feelings for you are equal to them not having those feelings for you.

 

However, if it is true that attraction invites attraction, then the act itself of revealing romantic feelings for someone should, in theory, slant the odds of them reciprocating those romantic feelings in your favor at least slightly. This basically means that, in general, we should always reveal romantic feelings for another, because the odds will be better than 50% that the other person will reciprocate. (I'm also making many assumptions. For example, that the timing is ideal, there will be no adverse consequences suffered by third-parties (e.g., the person is already married).)

 

Sorry for the abstraction, but I'm not sure how else to explain this theory of mine. If what I'm saying is true, then perhaps what this means is that if we like someone, we should always make that fact known to that person. Not only will they have the benefit of feeling loved, but the odds are better than not that they will love you in return as well.

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

However, if it is true that attraction invites attraction

 

In my case, without fail, attraction for someone = rejection and repulsion.

 

Ariadne

[squeak]

What you're saying is people like people who like them.

A study was done where test subjects were shown photographs of the opposite gender-1 group was photographed with normal pupils

-2nd group was photographed with a slight smile and enlarged pupils, which denotes sexual attraction.

 

Without fail, both men and women found the photographs of the 2nd group more attractive overall.

 

Why? Because the photographed people looked like they were in attraction mode to the observer of the photos.

 

Your theory is pretty much true.

But it does not guarantee full reciprocation either.

[Michael Corleone]

What you're saying is people like people who like them.

A study was done where test subjects were shown photographs of the opposite gender-1 group was photographed with normal pupils

-2nd group was photographed with a slight smile and enlarged pupils, which denotes sexual attraction.

 

Without fail, both men and women found the photographs of the 2nd group more attractive overall.

 

Why? Because the photographed people looked like they were in attraction mode to the observer of the photos.

 

Your theory is pretty much true.

But it does not guarantee full reciprocation either.

 

Interesting. It seems to me that what it boils down is, when it comes to courting a potential partner, your odds of winning them over are better if you reveal your feelings rather than sitting on your hands and hoping they'll like you in return "just as you are." Although, this revelation still does come with a risk: emotional rejection. So, that still leaves the difficult task of gaging your odds of rejection. 20% odds are better than 10%, but still much worse than 50%. Perhaps my theory has no practical significance, but it is still nice to know that showing the love makes it more likely you'll get it in return!

[squeak]

It will also take you out of that potential category also known as "hell" AKA "the friend zone" by knowing sooner rather than later.

 

If you have any doubt-read the posts under "friends" on LS. Most of those guys have been friend zoned for waiting too long and therefore being categorized like the female friends, just a little different.

 

You really don't want that.

[The Loacker]

Umm, you're confusing "attraction" with "romantic feelings". They are not the same. Attraction is that gut-level feeling you get when you see someone you find sexy (or at the very least intriguing). Romantic feelings are those feelings you get when you're in a relationship with someone for several months.

 

Showing attraction early is good. Showing romantic feelings too early can be a mistake.

 

Also, there's no need to rationalize and theorize about attraction with numbers and percentages. You'll find that attraction is completely irrational and illogical, and cannot be constrained within the boundaries of mathematics.

[Michael Corleone]

Umm, you're confusing "attraction" with "romantic feelings". They are not the same. Attraction is that gut-level feeling you get when you see someone you find sexy (or at the very least intriguing). Romantic feelings are those feelings you get when you're in a relationship with someone for several months.

 

Showing attraction early is good. Showing romantic feelings too early can be a mistake.

 

Also, there's no need to rationalize and theorize about attraction with numbers and percentages. You'll find that attraction is completely irrational and illogical, and cannot be constrained within the boundaries of mathematics.

 

I agree that showing romantic feelings too early can be a mistake. However, the distinction between "attraction" and "romantic feelings" is also a matter of semantics. In my opinion, it is the attraction that causes one to have romantic feelings, which can be had at any point in the courtship/relationship. Of course, it's very possible that the romantic feelings can be out of sync with the level of attraction, which is what I take to mean showing feelings too early.

 

I also have to disagree with attraction being irrational and illogical. Human beings are driven by reason. We don't always make good decisions, but there's a reason for everything we do. Attraction may not always be explainable, but this does not make it irrational. Attraction may often be rooted in the subconscious, but there is a reason we find particular people attractive, which by definition makes attraction rational.

[The Loacker]

I dunno man, I've seen some pretty irrational stuff - girls going out with *******s who treated them like crap, guys going out with women they know are cheating on them, etc... I think attraction is one of the most irrational things a human being can be involved, yet that's what makes it so addicting.

[Michael Corleone]

I dunno man, I've seen some pretty irrational stuff - girls going out with *******s who treated them like crap, guys going out with women they know are cheating on them, etc... I think attraction is one of the most irrational things a human being can be involved, yet that's what makes it so addicting.

 

Exactly, and this is my point. Just because you cannot explain one's action does not necessarily make those actions irrational. It's often the case that one cannot even explain their own actions, much less anyone else. However, and borrowing your example even further, girls or guys who continue to stay with significant others who are unfaithful or who do not respect them do so often because of insecurity, fear of being alone, etc.

 

It's easy to throw up your hands out of frustration and say one's actions motivated by love (or whatever you want to call it) are irrational, but I really there is always underlying, albeit latent, cause.

[NightsInWhiteSatin]

Don't think it's always true....

 

I suppose if you have a slight attraction to someone...but you werent planning on acting on it....and suddenly they act on their attraction for you, you seem to bring your feelings forward even if they are only slight. Plus there are feelings of being flattered and having your ego stroked for a change mixed in there which can give you a feeling of nervousness and butterflies which might make you think its because you're attracted to them.

[uniqueone]

However, and borrowing your example even further, girls or guys who continue to stay with significant others who are unfaithful or who do not respect them do so often because of insecurity, fear of being alone, etc.

 

 

Not necessarily. We tend to gravitate towards what's familiar to us. Chances are that those who stay in relationships with people that don't treat them right, had people not treating them right earlier in their lives. Even though the relationship may be bad, it's comfortable to them.

[uniqueone]

All other things being equal, if a member of the opposite sex reveals to you (expressly or impliedly) that they are attracted to you, do you find them more attractive than if they had not done so?

 

 

It depends on the person. I'm familiar with the studies that say that we like those who like us.

 

However, I've too often known those who are attracted to the ones who are ignoring them (usually me doing the ignoring! ) And once you start to show interest back to them, they're gone.

 

So if you're dealing with that type of person, and you express your feelings to them, you'll lose them. But then maybe you don't meet this type of individual. Maybe I've just cornered the market on them.......

 

Regardless though, it WILL be an ego boost for the person. An ego boost, however, does not equal romantic interest.

[Michael Corleone]

Not necessarily. We tend to gravitate towards what's familiar to us. Chances are that those who stay in relationships with people that don't treat them right, had people not treating them right earlier in their lives. Even though the relationship may be bad, it's comfortable to them.

 

True, but what I was trying to say is that such actions are rational, and your explanation provides yet another example of how one's decision to stay in an abusive relationship is nevertheless rational.

[uniqueone]

True, but what I was trying to say is that such actions are rational, and your explanation provides yet another example of how one's decision to stay in an abusive relationship is nevertheless rational.

 

How do you mean that it's rational?

[Michael Corleone]

It depends on the person. I'm familiar with the studies that say that we like those who like us.

 

However, I've too often known those who are attracted to the ones who are ignoring them (usually me doing the ignoring! ) And once you start to show interest back to them, they're gone.

 

So if you're dealing with that type of person, and you express your feelings to them, you'll lose them. But then maybe you don't meet this type of individual. Maybe I've just cornered the market on them.......

 

Regardless though, it WILL be an ego boost for the person. An ego boost, however, does not equal romantic interest.

 

Right. Perhaps the general conclusion of the study does not apply to romantic encounters, always. In the romantic context, maybe the study would have to be tweaked.

 

Perhaps those are are attracted to those that ignore them would find them even more attractive if they weren't being ignored. Or, to take your example, maybe it's possible to give too much attention to someone, which makes it a matter of showing just the right amount of attention.

 

I see my theory seems to be eroding, but then again, I did make a lot of assumptions in my initial post. As a practical matter though, I just wanted to get to the idea that if you have feelings for someone, it may be better to reveal them (assuming they are not too over-the-top given the circumstances) than to hide them, because the act itself of revealing those feelings may improve your chances of being on the receiving end of such feelings. And true, there are those who are attracted to those who seem a bit standoffish at first, but eventually, for that "relationship" to flourish, one will have to show the other the attention they need. Perhaps this simply goes to the idea of timing, and not so much the actual act of revealing one's feelings.

[Michael Corleone]

How do you mean that it's rational?

 

 

If I'm not mistaken, the original poster said that love is irrational, and referenced the idea of one staying with a partner despite being an abusive relationship as an example. From what I can gather, they were saying that this was totally unexplainable, and thus irrational. I was simply pointing out that just because one cannot explain one's actions does not make them irrational. It may just be that no one or few people have an explanation.

[Michael Corleone]

I was actually hoping that some people could weigh in on experiences they've had, either in making another aware of their feelings or being on the receiving end of such feelings, and whether/how that changed the dynamic.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

I totally agree with OP.

 

I've had men (whom I would never have noticed before) tell me their feelings for me and BAM!, I notice them.

 

I just may be oblivious to others actions, but after they tell me, I see them in a different light.

[shadowplay]

In my experience telling somebody you like them may work in the short run but often not the long run depending on the receiver's initial level of attraction to you. If the person is at all ambivalent or lukewarm before your declaration they may initially feel flattered and think to themselves "well maybe I should give this person a chance since they like me." But then after giving you that chance it sinks in that you pursued them and so they feel like they didn't really win the "prize." Then their level of attraction may diminish. I think this is particularly true of men.

 

That said...I tend to get MORE INTERESTED when a guy tells me he likes me.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

I was actually hoping that some people could weigh in on experiences they've had, either in making another aware of their feelings or being on the receiving end of such feelings, and whether/how that changed the dynamic.

 

That only works with the right person. If I notice someone I like is not attracted to me, I lose interest on the spot. I don't like them anymore.

 

If I like some guy and I see that he is attracted then yes, I like him much more.

 

So far so good..

 

But if it's a guy that I don't like at all and I notice that he is attracted to me my attraction doesn't change or increase.

 

That was my initial example, me liking guys hasn't make them like me more. Is more like a prediction of their rejection if anything, not more attraction.

 

Since that's what's happened so far.

 

Ariadne

[The Loacker]

Michael, you're going about this completely the wrong way. You don't rationalize love and attraction. When you see an attractive girl you don't go, "Alright, she's facing at a 60 degree angle away from me, she has a 37% chance of noticing me, so maybe if I approach and say this and that then her attraction level will increase to somewhere between 40-65%."

 

And I still stand by my statement that love and attraction are not rational. One does not rationalize attraction. One does not say, "Well let's see, she has a waist-to-hip ratio of 0.7, her hair is brown with slight streaks of blonde, and her nose is small and straight. Yes, it ticks all my requirements. Alright, let me switch on my attraction button." What happens is, you see someone and BAM!, you're attracted right then and there. There's no logic, no mental process that goes into it; it's purely instinctual. If it were rational, then do you think all men would be attracted to good-looking women? Of course not.[sIZE=-1] Attraction is instinctual, it's wired into our genes.

[/sIZE]

[Michael Corleone]

In my experience telling somebody you like them may work in the short run but often not the long run depending on the receiver's initial level of attraction to you. If the person is at all ambivalent or lukewarm before your declaration they may initially feel flattered and think to themselves "well maybe I should give this person a chance since they like me." But then after giving you that chance it sinks in that you pursued them and so they feel like they didn't really win the "prize." Then their level of attraction may diminish. I think this is particularly true of men.

 

That said...I tend to get MORE INTERESTED when a guy tells me he likes me.

 

Interesting. I wonder how the initial level of attraction plays into this, i.e., before someone tells someone they're interested in them. For the guys that told you they were interested in you, and you then became more interested in them - how attractive did you find them to begin with? Would you have ever considered pursuing them had they not "broken the ice?"

[shadowplay]

Interesting. I wonder how the initial level of attraction plays into this, i.e., before someone tells someone they're interested in them. For the guys that told you they were interested in you, and you then became more interested in them - how attractive did you find them to begin with? Would you have ever considered pursuing them had they not "broken the ice?"

 

It depends on the guy but often I just found them semi-attractive or hardly noticed them at all.

[Michael Corleone]

Michael, you're going about this completely the wrong way. You don't rationalize love and attraction. When you see an attractive girl you don't go, "Alright, she's facing at a 60 degree angle away from me, she has a 37% chance of noticing me, so maybe if I approach and say this and that then her attraction level will increase to somewhere between 40-65%."

 

Right, this is an example of being way too analytical. I threw those percentages out there in my initial post simply for the sake of illustrating my point, not to posit the idea that reasonable people make these calculations in their heads when they see an attractive person. The only quantitative aspect of the point I wanted to make was that (perhaps) revealing your feelings for someone will slightly increase the odds of them reciprocating those feelings.

 

And I still stand by my statement that love and attraction are not rational. One does not rationalize attraction. One does not say, "Well let's see, she has a waist-to-hip ratio of 0.7, her hair is brown with slight streaks of blonde, and her nose is small and straight. Yes, it ticks all my requirements. Alright, let me switch on my attraction button." What happens is, you see someone and BAM!, you're attracted right then and there. There's no logic, no mental process that goes into it; it's purely instinctual. If it were rational, then do you think all men would be attracted to good-looking women? Of course not.[sIZE=-1] Attraction is instinctual, it's wired into our genes.

[/sIZE]

 

Maybe it's just a matter of interpreting the word "rational", but my idea of irrational is something that simply has no logical basis. The example you set forth, the waist-to-hip ratio, the color of the hair, whether the hair has streaks, the size of the nose, these subtle evaluations are not done consciously, but still nevertheless performed. They form the basis for the characteristics we look for in potential mates. It's instinctual, right, but I would say no less rational.

 

And not all men are attracted to "good-looking" women, but what exactly is a "good-looking" woman? As they say, beauty is defined by the eye of the beholder. Each person is hardwired to find a particular type of person attractive. So, this all goes back to what one subjectively finds attractive in a mate, and doing those subconscious instantaneous evaluations to seek out a mate who best fits that mold.

[Michael Corleone]

It depends on the guy but often I just found them semi-attractive or hardly noticed them at all.

 

Hmm... and (assuming this has happened) how about the guys you already found attractive who told you they liked you?