Boyfriend being distant...

[Brokendreams875]

Ok I don't usually do this but i'm soo confused and could use advice from people who don't know him or I and are impartial.

Its really long but please anyone who can take the time to read this you dont know how much id appreciate it.

 

Ok so i've been dating this guy for 3 months, though 2 years ago I went out with him for a year and he was my first love etc. When we broke up the first time cause he was AWFUL to me I never thought i'd speak to him again but something brought us back together and I cared about him so I gave it another shot.

 

At first when we were together, he was sooo cute with me. He basically adored me. He'd call just to say hi, he was always telling me how much he liked me like every 10 seconds, He had really grown up since the last time we went out and we adored each other. He made me feel SOO wanted and it was mutual, I was very good to him, changed things that bothered him etc. His biggest problem is he is VERY jealous and 98% of my friends are male. Another problem ss we live an hour and a half from each other we both work ALOT (full time, and I have a second job and hes also in school)There was also the possibilty I was moving, and he was going away to school and he told me hed follow me wherever I went.

 

Then we went down the shore together for a few days to my favorite spot on earth (Were both 20 btw) and hed been hinting that he loved me and that he wanted me to say it though I really wasn't sure I loved him. I loved how he treated me, but when we were on the boardwalk I was so enthralled being with him and being at my favorite place, a place I have ALOT of great memories and I prematurally told him I loved him, partially cause I loved everything about where we were, partially because I thought he wanted to hear it. He didn't say it back which really threw me off since hed been the one hinting at it and kind of pushing it.

 

 

After that within weeks he started school and instantly kinda pulled away. Mind you, he is a full time student, works almost every night etc. But he also stopped telling me things like he misses me, and he likes me, and I only tell him I love him when its kinda forced cause I feel bad like taking it back I guess. Sometimes I feel like I have to force him to see me. At the same time I have had ALOT of family problems. My dad basically outright showing he doesnt give a **** about me, my family declaring bankrupcy, I have to move out of the house I lived in all my life, I cant afford school etc. and he is just adding to it by making me so unsure. I bring it up all the time and he swears he cares about me and wants to be with me but he doesnt act like it. At the same time though Ive given him EVERY chance to break up with me and he hasnt. (I mean I outright said one night that i was moving and if he wanted to make a clean mutual break and be friends id be ok with that and did it with a straight face)

Even tonight, i asked if he thinks we'll still be together at christmas and he was half asleep but said he hopes so and doesnt see any reason we wouldnt be and told me how pretty he remembers me looking in the snow.

 

I know part of the problem is my pushiness and hes getting tierd of it (IE-he wants to see me and I tell him no wanting him to fight with me and WANT to see me....Im getting better about it lol learning my lesson that it gets annoying since he did it to me once to see how I liked it lol)

 

Also I do want to point out that a friend suggested he was cheating on me, but when we ARE together he treats me like a princess. He takes me to where he works and introduces me to his friends and has his arms around me etc, we go out near his house alll the time to movies and the mall and the clubs and to his friends houses, and he always wants me in his arms and is very clingy when we are around each other. That just makes it harder when he acts like hes to busy to see me when we arent together. (plus as for cheating im friends with ALOT of people around where he lives, my best friend goes to college there and I have 2 ex's who want me back who live around there and would love to catch him doing something that would make me break up with him.)

 

My best friend thinks he is just scared of how much he cares for me so hes pulling away to test me, but Im not sure if i agree cause he gets soo annoyed when I question how he feels and doubt him. She also suggested that he may just be so stressed by work and school he doesnt even realize how much he has pulled away,

 

My mom thinks maybe he is unsure how I feel since I told him i love him now dont say it anymore, and he is afraid to really ask me about it. And he stopped telling me he liked me cause he loves me but doesnt know how to say it being unsure how I feel. She also agrees that hes busy and probably doesnt realize how much hes upsetting me.

 

 

Part of me thinks I should just stop answering his calls and texts for a few days, give him some space, stop asking to see him and ask wait to see if he asks me etc, but I dont have willpower and keep being scared to. Does anyone think thats a good idea?

 

Anyway basically I need to know what other people think, and any ideas they may have, i HAVE tried to talk to him and he basically thinks im being rediculous but like every day i have a new reason to doubt him and a new question to ask him and I MUST be driving him nuts cuase Im driving myself nuts lol. Im not usually this nerotic, and if he broke up with me, sure id be sad...but I would understand it.... I just DESPISE being confused and not knowing whats going on cause it makes me crazy and makes me drive everyone else crazy. Between this and everything else going on ive just been spending alot of time crying and am tierd of it.

[spookie]

I think you chill out.

 

What I got out of your post was that you're freaking out because your boyfriend hasn't said he loves you yet and has recently become slightly more distant.

 

Regarding the love thing... saying it doesn't make it true, and for some people three months isn't long enough to know. So I wouldn't worry about that. Look at his actions, not his words.

 

Regarding the "distance"... I see a couple of things going on. First, he's becoming more comfortable and secure in the relationship, which is natural after a couple of months together, so he doens't have the need to constantly be expressing his emotions. This is normal... no one can sustain the giddiness of the initial stages.

 

Second, with school starting he's become more busy, so he has less time to devote to infatuation and its expression. You said he's a full-time student and works almost every night... well, I think it's time you show him some support by being there for him instead of grilling him about his feelings every time you talk.

 

Third, the grilling. If you're on his case about whether he wants to break up with you all the time, he's not going to WANT to be as affectionate, loving, etc. So you gotta stop.

 

My advice is, stop worrying so much about what he's thinking and live your own life, with him in it of course as a perk. Have fun, enjoy your time together- it's still so new - but lay off the relationship talks. All you are trying to do is appease your insecurities - but they stem from the inside, not anything this guy is doing or neglecting to do, and pushing him isn't going to make anything better.

[Brokendreams875]

Thanks for your advice. To be honest after I read threw my post last night I thought to myself "wow im freaking out and need to breath"

I dont think I care he hasnt told me he loves me, I think im mad at myself for saying it when I dont really mean it. It just feels based on the fact that we were together for a year before that the "initial" stage of the relationship went too fast since we were together before so we like skipped that "getting to know each other" stage

 

but your right, I need to calm down and relax (as I stated, im driving myself nuts ) and honestly hearing someone else say that makes me feel better so thank you for taking the time to read all of my rambling and ill try to calm down lol

[shadowplay]

To me it's pretty clear what the problem is. All the grilling, etc., is basically sending him the message that you REALLY LIKE HIM and care about what he thinks. Now he's taking you for granted because he doesn't have to worry about how you feel. In addition he's feeling trapped and scared by your feelings. At the beginning he was the one really into you, in part because he wasn't sure about how you felt, and I'm sure it took him aback when you suddenly started expressing all this emotional investment and the roles reversed. What you've got to do is shake up his sense of security a bit and also give him some space. Immediately stop the grilling/nagging. Don't tell him you love him again until you really feel it. In fact wait until he says it first. I repeat: Give him some space. Let things develop slowly and naturally; don't try to force anything. And never, never again ask for reassurance about the relationship or his feelings for you. That's the kiss of death.

[Brokendreams875]

hehe ive been trying to stop the consistant questioning. He knows I over annalyze everything and that im very insecure so he does put up with it but I know you guys are right and honestly just hearing it from someone who is an outside party makes me feel so much better. Ive just lost so much lately that im afraid of losing him too and your right, he does know it (and im usually the one in complete control lol)

 

I will try my best to give him space, Ive been trying my best not to pester him as much but really you guys made me feel alot better. Id rather just be going and acting crazy then have to worry about losing him (like I said if i did im actually not the type to dwell on it but i AM the type to freak out about the unknown. I was getting to the point where i almost broke up with him just so Id stop having to worry) I think next time i decide to freak out over him I need to weigh how much Im really freaking out from him vs how much im freaking out based on everything else going on.

 

thanks again