Trying Not To Feel Vulnerable

[uniqueone]

I know...I'm starting new threads a lot lately....keeps me busy on the weekends....plus have lots on my mind......

 

 

So I've had several guys want to meet me lately. After talking to them, I don't want to meet them.

 

One, the musician, calls me the other night and I didnt' answer. I'm thinking...do I just not return his calls or do I tell him?

 

Then last night the therapist calls me and I didn't answer. Same thing...I wonder if I should just ignore his calls or tell him.

 

Then another one (the engineer) emails me the other night after we'd talked and tells me he hopes we could get together this weekend. I didn't respond.

 

There was another one but I told him to get lost....(one I dated a few months ago who'd ended up acting mean to me when I told him I'd just wanted to be friends.)

 

So my first question here was going to be....do I just ignore their calls or tell them?

 

So then today comes and I'm bored and lonely and I call the first two back.

First the therapist who lives 5 hours away. Once again the conversation is dull and lacking. I have to keep reviving it....which I hate to do because I'm not that talkative of a person when someone isn't interesting to talk to. He asks if I want to come visit next weekend to "work on our relationship". (uh...do we have one???)

 

Truth is, he lives about 40 mins. away from this large city I've been wanting to visit so I thought maybe it'd be a chance to go there and have someone to sightsee with.

 

The more I got to talking to him though, the more it seemed like I'd be interested in sightseeing and he'd be more interested in staying in his suburban town. He talked about us going to a movie while I was there. I could go to a movie HERE! when there's TONS of stuff to do there and I've never been there before.

 

At one point he said let me call you back in a min. because he was ordering food. So he calls right back. Then a bit later after he'd called back, he asks to call me right back because he's buying a book for his daughter. He calls right back again and then I went into a store and lost the signal on my phone. He tried calling me back four times. I didn't call back. I probably should, shouldn't I?

 

I had also called the musician earlier today. He sounded like he was at a happy hour and he sounded glad to be hearing back from me and asked if he could call me back later. He called back later when I was on the phone with the therapist. After listening to his message, I wondered why I'd called him back today to begin with. I just wasn't interested. He tried calling back two more times after that and I didn't answer.

 

I don't like to be rude and I'm not sure I owe these guys an explanation. I probably will tell the therapist that I don't think it's working....since we talked about meeting next weekend I feel I owe him an explanation....plus since we got disconnected and I didn't call back.

 

I'm not sure I owe the musician or the engineer a response.

 

Sometimes I think it's better to tell them and sometimes I don't. Usually if they persist in wanting an answer, I give them one though.

 

 

So a couple of points I'm making here......

 

Feeling alone almost got me to take a trip to another city to meet some boring guy that I never met who thinks we're in a relationship....

 

Feeling alone got me calling back guys who I really wasn't that interested in talking to......

 

I think I liked the feeling of at least having people calling and I'm not sure I wanted to give that up.......even if I didn't click with them.....

 

And of course the ever-popular.......it's made me miss "Him" even more........

[jcster]

Feeling alone got me calling back guys who I really wasn't that interested in talking to......

 

I think I liked the feeling of at least having people calling and I'm not sure I wanted to give that up.......even if I didn't click with them.....

 

Pardon me for saying it, but you sound pretty depressed. Is this the best time to be dating anyone? It sounds like you're pretty vulnerable right now, and heaven forbid that you get in a relationship with a guy you don't particularly like just so that you won't be alone with your thoughts. And, since you still miss "him" it tells me that you aren't remotely healed up enough to play right now.

 

Get out of the house and enjoy what's left of the summer. You don't need boring, lame guys to call you to feel good about yourself. If you stop stewing and start living you'll feel a lot better.

[directx]

yeah, you are feeling lonely. Its normal.

 

If you are not ready and willing to meet these new guys, DONT.

 

Especially if the conversation drags and you have to revive it.

Its hard to find someone you can constantly talk with. Constantly interesting.

 

Its very very very rare to find someone you can continue to text chat or chat with over a long period of time and still find it exciting.

 

I run out of things to say after the first 2 weeks usually.

 

So my point is, maybe keep looking around until you can find that guy you can chat with quite a bit where it still seems exciting and fresh and fun.

 

I dont think you just going out to see these guys you are not into is a good idea for you ego wise or mentally in general.

 

Just my opinion

[johan]

I think calling them back is completely optional. You don't owe them explanations that they couldn't come up with themselves without you having to say something. They shouldn't be so dense not to pick up on your signals.

 

Sorry to hear you're feeling lonely, and it's a shame you still have feelings for "him". This will all pass.

 

I think you need some time still. That's how it sounds. It sounds like you have barriers up that are keeping you from making better connections up. That's natural if you're still in the process of healing. Healing just takes however long it takes. Don't rush it or get impatient. When it's time to step forward you will automatically.

[VIP]

And I think you are playing with people, because you are bored. It's wrong. Going sightseeing and leading someone to believe that you are coming to see him is so selfish, it's using people. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

[livebuzzwords]

is this a reaction to the hurt u suffered? is acting this way helping you? because it has gone on for a long time

 

and just u know when i say this [see text below] i am not doing this for me - but for u - cripes i love u - i wish i was making love to u right now

 

i would die to be with u right now - i am trying to help u and do what is best for u babe

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I Finally Figured It Out[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]This is what I know to be the truth. I have been pretty blind to what has been going on for a long time and it was just last night that I was telling her how much I need and love her and what I can do for her when in reality I am [/FONT][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]the last person on her list of people she wants to be around. See, she has never had a break from me – and she probably is so confused about who exactly I am – I went from that loving guy at the start of the R, to the BiPolar emotionally abusive self-centred jerk that hurt her deeply, to the crying PTSD loser, to the mad as hell post breakup dude, to the delusional guy over the last 10 months – no wonder she is silent – she doesn’t know me and no wonder she is full of fear – no wonder she sent me to prison – she wants me to leave her alone. She has tried to ‘take a break’ for over two years now and I have been a constant pain in the arse. That’s why she has that new guy, for protection – she can’t love someone that is doing this crap. I am so sorry C. I really have put you thru too much and what you need is for me to disappear and for you to have fun again. I apologize for being an antagonistic, self centered, delirious, maniacal, bizarre, quixotic, incongruous, incessantly perverted chainsaw-wielding jerk but I swear to god that’s not me – that’s was a sad person in my shoes.[/sIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#4b4b4b][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]U know what? My idea of self-love made people turn into unpleasant, damaged people. [/FONT][/sIZE][/COLOR]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]And hear I was challenging her, telling her I will support her, when I have just learned to truly loved myself first then I can be loving and supportive towards you – I was self-obsessed and behaving in a thoughtless, careless fashion.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

[COLOR=#4b4b4b][FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I have gone thru my moment of awareness, of who I am in truth. My[/sIZE][/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial] insecurities ended up hurting you, and you being the idealist and extremely forgiving, found it hard rto understand why I was treating you this way..[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#4b4b4b]Babe, the wheels just came off and I lost it for a couple of years. But I have discovered who I really am now. See, in the case of a crisis, the momentum of an outworn drama suddenly stops dead. Our perceptions become suspended and we lose touch with what is no longer important so we can clearly come into contact with what is. What many fail to realize through all the chaos is THIS is the proverbial call to spirit. Not the magical one with unicorns, waterfalls and leprechauns, but the realistic one that throws a brick in our face. This seems to be the more common wake-up call, especially in a western-dominated society where subtlety is akin to a gun shot wound... but even more common is the overwhelming temptation to fall into victim-hood when, in fact, this is our BIG chance to have it all. Sometimes a slight change in your camera angle or a radical outward zoom is all that is required to deal.[/COLOR]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So I understand know, you really need a break – FROM ME [no time limit) and its not that I smothered you – its that I harassed you. I know you says that you loves me and I am the perfect person for her, but I think you are just afraid to tell me that you don’t believe you and I are meant for each other. You don’t love me anymore and I understand why and accept that – I know you loved me two years ago and she still does in some way, and that all you have wanted was a little understanding from me and a little action on me part to do some thinking and changing – and stop trying to fix things up because as you have told me - there's nothing to fix up. You are done. Now I understand how you were able to send me to prison[/sIZE][/FONT][COLOR=#111111][FONT=Verdana], and your silence is you trying to find a way to let me down gently. This i[/FONT][/COLOR][FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]s the only way she knows to verbalize the change in her feeling of

attraction for you. You must go and be with your new man, enjoy life and I promise I will leave you alone – I am so sorry I have been so retarded about all this for so long.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[johan]

I don't understand why livebuzzwords posted that in this thread.

[Kamille]

I don't understand why livebuzzwords posted that in this thread.

 

me neither.

[OpenBook]

I would say, wait for them to call YOU, then just act uninterested. They'll get the hint. And what in the world is this therapist doing, expecting YOU to come visit HIM?? He should be visiting YOU first.

 

You've got nothing to lose with any of these men. So don't worry about what you're going to say to them, or what you're going to do. Whatever you feel like saying or doing, at that moment, is perfect.

 

And by far the most important thing - there's nothing wrong with being alone. Enjoy your own company. You're the best friend you've got.

[uniqueone]

 

Especially if the conversation drags and you have to revive it.

Its hard to find someone you can constantly talk with. Constantly interesting.

 

Its very very very rare to find someone you can continue to text chat or chat with over a long period of time and still find it exciting.

 

 

This is what makes me keep missing "Him" so much.

[uniqueone]

 

It sounds like you have barriers up that are keeping you from making better connections up.

 

I don't get what you mean by this.

[livebuzzwords]

I don't understand why livebuzzwords posted that in this thread.

 

IT BASICALLY STATES THAT I HAVE A FULLER UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT MY ROLE IN ALL THIS WAS

So I understand know, you really need a break – FROM ME

[uniqueone]

And I think you are playing with people, because you are bored. It's wrong. Going sightseeing and leading someone to believe that you are coming to see him is so selfish, it's using people. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

 

I thought I could both sightsee and meet him at the same time. What's wrong with that? I've barely had a conversation with this guy. And I didn't lead him to believe anything. I told him that I wanted to go sightsee.

It'd be like if a guy was coming to my city for business and wanted to meet me while he was here. Would I tell him that he'd only have to come here to see ME?

 

And let's not feel too sorry for Mr. Jock Therapist guy....

 

Once again he asked me if I had more pictures (I have five on my profile, he has ONE. And his is only a face shot) Once again I told him how I had five and he only had one and that I thought he told me he'd try to get me more. He mentioned the same thing as before....that he doesn't have many pictures of himself. I told him that neither did I....that's why you go and take some. Then he says that his daughter has his camera and he'll have to ask her for it.

 

Then he says to me "So you said you were a size 2/4 right?"

 

Now I'm getting annoyed...."yep" I said back to him......

 

Then after he had to call me back the one time, he AGAIN says to me that he wishes I'd send him some pictures. Once again I tell him I have five and that he should be the one sending ME some. He says "I know but I just love to look at pictures of you....."

 

Oh give me a break....how dumb does the guy think I am? How about if I tell him I'll send him a plaster cast of my body in the mail ?

[livebuzzwords]

i never really expected this to happen - i am kinda at a lost for words.

[uniqueone]

I don't understand why livebuzzwords posted that in this thread.

 

I read something there about unicorns, waterfalls and leprechauns.....thought maybe I was just having a bad dream......or maybe I was back on the personals......

[uniqueone]

i never really expected this to happen - i am kinda at a lost for words.

 

Confessions about hallucinogenic ramblings belong under the Addiction & Recovery Category. Thanks for playing.....

 

[Kamille]

I thought I could both sightsee and meet him at the same time. What's wrong with that? I've barely had a conversation with this guy. And I didn't lead him to believe anything. I told him that I wanted to go sightsee.

It'd be like if a guy was coming to my city for business and wanted to meet me while he was here. Would I tell him that he'd only have to come here to see ME?

 

And let's not feel too sorry for Mr. Jock Therapist guy....

 

Once again he asked me if I had more pictures (I have five on my profile, he has ONE. And his is only a face shot) Once again I told him how I had five and he only had one and that I thought he told me he'd try to get me more. He mentioned the same thing as before....that he doesn't have many pictures of himself. I told him that neither did I....that's why you go and take some. Then he says that his daughter has his camera and he'll have to ask her for it.

 

Then he says to me "So you said you were a size 2/4 right?"

 

Now I'm getting annoyed...."yep" I said back to him......

 

Then after he had to call me back the one time, he AGAIN says to me that he wishes I'd send him some pictures. Once again I tell him I have five and that he should be the one sending ME some. He says "I know but I just love to look at pictures of you....."

 

Oh give me a break....how dumb does the guy think I am? How about if I tell him I'll send him a plaster cast of my body in the mail ?

 

Yeah... they're not all winners out there....

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with you not wanting to talk to these guys. It's not like you have an obligation to date - or return their calls. Don't force it. I think you're still in the process of getting over your ex - so of course you will find little things about all these men that annoy you. Although, I also have to say you make a convincing case that they are annoying.

 

Personnally I'd rather be alone - even deal with feelings of loneliness - then feel like I'm settling for someone. Even if it's just for a date.

 

But, if you do want to continue meeting men as a way to keep your mind off, you should do what *the guy who never materialized* did and ask your friends if they know of anyone they could set you up with. Don't hesitate to ask as many of them as you can. Chances are, the selection there will be better dating material.

[uniqueone]

Yeah... they're not all winners out there....

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with you not wanting to talk to these guys. It's not like you have an obligation to date - or return their calls. Don't force it. I think you're still in the process of getting over your ex - so of course you will find little things about all these men that annoy you. Although, I also have to say you make a convincing case that they are annoying.

 

Personnally I'd rather be alone - even deal with feelings of loneliness - then feel like I'm settling for someone. Even if it's just for a date.

 

But, if you do want to continue meeting men as a way to keep your mind off, you should do what *the guy who never materialized* did and ask your friends if they know of anyone they could set you up with. Don't hesitate to ask as many of them as you can. Chances are, the selection there will be better dating material.

 

Ahhh....if only I had good friends......

 

I have male friends but at some point they'd been interested in dating me so can't ask them. That would be insulting to them.

 

There's a recently divorced woman who's a lot younger than me. She's very outgoing and even SHE had to meet someone off the personals recently which surprised me since she's so outgoing. And not only that,I found out her age range for men intersects with mine....so if she knew of anyone......I think SHE'D go for them....

 

There were women I used to hang around with who did some fixing up.....they had very different standards than me let's just say. No...I don't want to meet the tattoo artist......

 

Basically what I'm saying here is, I don't have anyone to make referrals to me.

 

And another thing is, if it's a friend of someones and you arent' interested because it doesn't meet what you're looking for, it makes it a bit awkward. Doesn't it?

[madgun68]

I thought I could both sightsee and meet him at the same time. What's wrong with that? I've barely had a conversation with this guy. And I didn't lead him to believe anything. I told him that I wanted to go sightsee.

It'd be like if a guy was coming to my city for business and wanted to meet me while he was here. Would I tell him that he'd only have to come here to see ME?

It really just depends on wording and expectations.

 

Is it a "Hey, I'll be sightseeing in your area.. How about we meet?" or a "When I come over that way to meet you, I'd like to do some sightseeing too."?

 

And let's not feel too sorry for Mr. Jock Therapist guy....

 

Once again he asked me if I had more pictures (I have five on my profile, he has ONE. And his is only a face shot) Once again I told him how I had five and he only had one and that I thought he told me he'd try to get me more. He mentioned the same thing as before....that he doesn't have many pictures of himself. I told him that neither did I....that's why you go and take some. Then he says that his daughter has his camera and he'll have to ask her for it.

 

Then he says to me "So you said you were a size 2/4 right?"

 

Now I'm getting annoyed...."yep" I said back to him......

 

Then after he had to call me back the one time, he AGAIN says to me that he wishes I'd send him some pictures. Once again I tell him I have five and that he should be the one sending ME some. He says "I know but I just love to look at pictures of you....."

No sympathy for the guy at all. Maybe it's just me, but he sounds pretty shallow.

 

Oh give me a break....how dumb does the guy think I am? How about if I tell him I'll send him a plaster cast of my body in the mail ?

I bet he'd take you up on the offer.

[directx]

This is what makes me keep missing "Him" so much.

 

It's tough. Don't beat yourself up though. Keep looking and trying. Maybe you are just not ready yet or its too soon? I don't know your whole situation.

 

take your time.

[uniqueone]

What are the chances of meeting someone like "him" again? An intellectual ....plus successful, driven, athletic......

 

While I've met that type before, I encounter them so rarely....and look how much time passes by....and I'm not young either.

 

I know there are people here who say you shouldn't go looking but....how old are the people saying that? And how easily do they find people that they click with?

 

I wish there was a way to find the type of men that I like in a larger quantity.

[directx]

What are the chances of meeting someone like "him" again? An intellectual ....plus successful, driven, athletic......

 

While I've met that type before, I encounter them so rarely....and look how much time passes by....and I'm not young either.

 

I know there are people here who say you shouldn't go looking but....how old are the people saying that? And how easily do they find people that they click with?

 

I wish there was a way to find the type of men that I like in a larger quantity.

 

I hear you, uniqueone. If you can think of a way to group up types of people to fit with other people successfully, you could make a ton of money.

Sometimes, it just seems to take some serendipity and/or luck.

Honestly, just finding someone to click with is just RARE. Thats why there are so many movies and songs about it. If it was commonplace, no one would think it so special.

Harsh, but true.

 

Just don't give up.

[uniqueone]

I hear you, uniqueone. If you can think of a way to group up types of people to fit with other people successfully, you could make a ton of money.

Sometimes, it just seems to take some serendipity and/or luck.

Honestly, just finding someone to click with is just RARE. Thats why there are so many movies and songs about it. If it was commonplace, no one would think it so special.

Harsh, but true.

 

Just don't give up.

 

 

ok, so then that makes me feel like i should try to get "him" back again....at least to talk to him again anyway. Because it's so rare like you say.

[uniqueone]

Oh yeah....here's another good one.....

 

I work with a guy who is single but was in a relationship up until a few months ago. He's always liked me. He just got on the personals site that I'm on and keeps 'hinting" around. He doesnt' ask me out or anything but he's fishing for clues to see if I'm interested.

 

I HATE when this happens. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Once they like you---and you're both available---it changes things....and not for the good.

No matter what now, he'll feel rejected by me.

 

I've had this happen before. Why do they put me in this situation?

[directx]

Oh yeah....here's another good one.....

 

I work with a guy who is single but was in a relationship up until a few months ago. He's always liked me. He just got on the personals site that I'm on and keeps 'hinting" around. He doesnt' ask me out or anything but he's fishing for clues to see if I'm interested.

 

I HATE when this happens. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Once they like you---and you're both available---it changes things....and not for the good.

No matter what now, he'll feel rejected by me.

 

I've had this happen before. Why do they put me in this situation?

 

Just because its rare doesn't mean you have to go back to what you had. Sometimes relationships spoil like milk, and spoiled milk never gets better.

 

You already drew a conclusion on the guy from work. Hinting around is his way of easing into it and not appear to desperate or needy. I dont think what he is doing is bad. I would do that to.

Are you interested? Thats the question you have to answer. If so, talk to him about it. If not, make it clear you are not.

 

I still think you are hung up on 'him'. Is there a chance again with 'him'?