Push Pull

[progressioncity]

Hi,

I know that there are really two ways for people to interpret this one depending probably on your personality type. Which may just raise a question of general compatibility in the long run.

 

I've been with my partner for two and a half years. It's an LDR but whatever, it's all the same kinds of issues.

 

My situation is this. I'll try to present it in all fairness.

 

For a long time we have emailed and talked on the phone daily. We both focused a lot on this relationship and both expressed that we liked to be near the phone or the computer so we could be in contact with one another. At one point she started wanting to go out now and again in the evenings. I reacted jealously at first because I want to share those things and I feel left out when I can't. But that's life and I"m OK with that now.

 

Then, she started suggesting I start going out and doing other things. Whatever, I'm tired at the end of the day. I have a few friends I see but generally I'm an introvert. I do see where I can do other things, but the fact is I didnt want to because I wanted to talk to her. I thought she felt the same way.

 

Over time I kept getting this message in different forms: Don't focus so much on this relationship, Go out and do other things, Make other friends, etc. This didn't bother me for a while but now it's eaten away at me because it seems like I'm getting shrugged off or told to go away.

 

I'm not more demanding of her time than she is of mine. She's on the computer and phone as much as I am. Last night she asked me, "How could you let your life get to a point of it being centered around the phone and computer?" This really, really hurt and I finally realized that it had been hurting for a long time.

 

She swears that she tells me this out of concern for my well being and happiness, well that and "so you don't become boring" which isn't too nice to hear either.

 

Over the course of time and with other things going on in our relationship that's made her more unavailable (busy life etc), less responsive, wanting less time on the phone, less commmitment from me it seems, I can't seem to see this as anything but a way out of the relationship. However she says it's not the case.

 

I think everyone including me has a core fear of rejection but I think when a partner is telling you to get a life, there's something really wrong with the picture. I don't think she is aware of the mixed messages she is sending... push pull, go out, but then why haven't you emailed me, etc.

 

I'd like to hear other people's take on this. Four of my other friends have also told me, for the record, that no I'm not being needy, that that's a signal to move on with your life and it's normal for that not to feel good to hear all the time. Others may say it's just her being caring, so why does it hurt?

[Star Gazer]

Hmm. I don't like the manner in which she's encouraging you to explore your social life/activities. I'm going to take a stab at this. I think there are two possibilities here, but both stem from her own guilt. I'm going to present them as logically as I can, so please forgive me if they come across bluntly.

 

(1) She feels guilty because she's finding herself caught up in other things that don't involve phone/computer communication with you, and wants to be able to be out-and-about enjoying herself (socially, professionally, whatever) without having to worry/think about you sitting home alone with nothing to do and no one to talk to.

 

(2) She's feeling less invested in the relationship, and might have long-term plans of ending it, and wants to alieviate the guilt she feels in disappearing from your life by helping you find other things to occupy your time now so that when she does end it you won't be devastated. Right now, your life IS all about her. When she goes, what's left?

 

It sounds like ALL you really want to do is talk to her. You have GOT to have a life outside the bounds of your relationship, particularly if your relationship is long distance. It's not healthy to give up yourself in order to be with someone else.

 

So, what did you like to do in your spare time before she came along??

[progressioncity]

It does sound like ALL I want to do is talk to her. I thought it was mutual. I'm over her going out I really don't mind now. I just don't like the string of messages for me to get a life.

 

As for your take on where she's coming from, that's pretty much my take on it too. I don't think it has anything to do with wanting me to get a life so I'm not becoming boring or to "enrich the relationship" as she says. I know the stiff arm when I see it.

 

What I did before? Well my life was pretty different then, I had a different lifestyle. I hung out with friends doing nothing much. I also spent a lot of time on the computer and I work six days a week, ride horses, etc.

 

It's just weird because it used to be, Oh send me an email, can't wait to talk to you, this that and the other. On the other hand if I DO go out and don't call or send an email, she's hurt. So I"m really confused.

 

Over and over she tries to convince me that this is not about getting away from me, letting me down easy or whatever, but my gut and so many other people tell me that's what this means. I"m seriously contemplating just ending it before that happens.

 

I have told her all of this makes me feel rejected but she just can't get her mind around that and keeps saying the same thing over and over. I want to just run and get away before the other shoe drops.

[DanielMadr]

I agree with SG.

 

If you are confused why she tells you to go out and then it is "Why you werent there for me on the phone" it clicks to what SG wrote. She probably is slowly letting you down but she would be much happier if you can get all the blame for ruinning this relationship. It is easier to tell "It broke down because he didnt pay me enough attention" than "It broke down, because he was there for me all the time."

 

Her "advice" however alibistic is probably true. You being no challenge to her is turn off for her.

 

Maybe you are not doomed yet. Just take her advice and let her come to you, fight for your attention and love.

 

I dont undrstand one thing? Why the phone and computer? Dont you two date? Its better to use phone only to set up dates

 

Warning: Be prepared to eject yourself. She is probably seeing someone else.

[progressioncity]

Oh I think it's the "let 'em down easy" tactic too. Even though of course I"m supposed to be there for HER whenever she expects me to. That's what I mean by push pull.

 

Well either way I have already backed off simply because of the mixed messages... "why do you live your life around the phone and computer" when she does EXACTLY the same thing.

 

I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm going out tonight Friday night and have been out meeting other people and getting on with things for weeks now.

 

Definitely alibistic advice but that's kind of typical. By the way it's a long distance relationship that's why the phone and computer business. It's always been commited but who knows now. I'm moving on to "less available" mode because I think you're right about that too, I'm too available and it's "boring" for her. Not to mention I just feel like an idiot being available now, which I would be!

 

thanks

[progressioncity]

I gave this one some more thought and what it's made me realize, and maybe it will be helpful to someone else who reads this one day, is that actually there are other people out there who are wanting my company, inviting me out, wanting to make plans with me, on a pretty much daily basis. So I guess I really haven't done all that bad and my life hasn't diminished to the point it sounds.

 

Also I've accomplished a lot professionally in the past year, completed two graduate courses, had my work contract extended, and am working on another license in my field.

 

Not bad. I'm no loser. I've figured out that when your partner starts treating you like a chore, it's time for the door. LOL!