he doesn't want to stay, doesn't want to go

[mattea]

so i posted a week or so ago about my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years breaking up over his decision to go to school out of state. he wanted to be long distance. i couldn't stand the idea of being long distance for several years with no plan about how/when we'd be together again. so i told him we should break up. we were both very upset and didn't want to but could see why it made sense. i felt helpless and optionless, and sort of backed into a corner by his decision.

 

after we broke up, i started thinking of a way i felt i could handle long distance for a time - IF there was a plan for us to work on our relationship and be together after a year. i am still researching/exploring what sort of graduate program i want to do, and i won't be ready to go back to school until fall of 08. so i told him i could stay here for a year, he could get adjusted to being back in school for that year, i could save more money at the good job i have and explore my interests. then, assuming we were doing well after that year, i'd relocate and do grad school where he will be living.

 

he seemed open to this idea when i suggested it, but said he needed time to process what i was saying. we had a really nice afternoon together and he opened up to me a bit about some of his fears about going back to school after about 10 years. i felt good about coming up with an idea that might work for us.

 

well, several days went by and we didn't talk, then he suggested we get together. so i figured he'd talk to me about what i'd suggested, and we'd talk about getting back together and trying or not. instead we hung out and had dinner and didn't talk about it at all. then that happened again the next night (last night). well after several hours of hanging out and not talking about it, i told him i felt confused. i asked what was going on... since we were there hanging out after we'd broken up but weren't talking about whether we were getting back together or just being friends or what?!? i guess i just need things to be a little more defined. he was going out of town this weekend to visit friends a few hours away but didn't invite me.

 

anyway, he didn't want to talk about it last night, took me home and then didn't want to stay over. said he felt uncomfortable. i said i was hurt that he didn't want to be affectionate, kiss, stay over, whatever. he didn't want to have that conversation either. i told him to let me know when he was available.

 

i'm frustrated because i feel like he doesn't exactly want to be in the relationship, but doesn't want to let it go either. i don't want to do the utlimatum thing, but i feel at my wit's end.

 

what do i do here?

[Touche]

Well, you'll have to make him shyt or get off the pot. I would back way off. Don't contact him. I'm not talking NC here, just that the ball is now in his court. Wait until he comes to you. He must feel pushed now or pressured in some way. But it could be he wants to break up. Who really knows?

 

But if you keep trying to talk about it when he doesn't, he'll retreat even more. So just wait and see.

[Touche]

Oh and I wanted to add this. If he does call to get together with you, don't bring it up again. Just act really cool and friendly. Don't push for any affection either. Let him take the lead now. You've done all the planning and mapped out your lives. Could be he wants a little control here too. So give it to him. Or it could be he wants to digest this on his own before he talks to you about it. Some guys are like that.

 

If he never brings it up and just continues to hang out with as friends, then you'll have your answer. And then you can decide whether you need to leave him or just be his friend (which rarely works.)

 

So give it a couple of weeks and see.

 

Good luck, and let us know how it goes for you, ok?

[mattea]

thanks, touche. i was kind of thinking the same thing.

 

but now since i *did* try to bring it up and it became uncomfortable, i'm pretty sure that he feels that if we are to hang out again i'm expecting to talk about everything. is there anyway i can "undo" that, so he feels like he could just hang out with me without having to have it all figured out?

 

i wish if he wanted to break up he'd just say that. guess he doesn't really know.

[Touche]

thanks, touche. i was kind of thinking the same thing.

 

but now since i *did* try to bring it up and it became uncomfortable, i'm pretty sure that he feels that if we are to hang out again i'm expecting to talk about everything. is there anyway i can "undo" that, so he feels like he could just hang out with me without having to have it all figured out?

 

i wish if he wanted to break up he'd just say that. guess he doesn't really know.

 

You're welcome, mattea.

 

No, you can't really undo it but now at least he knows that you want to get this out on the table. If that's enough to keep him from contacting you again then I say that's a good thing to know now.

 

Who wants to be attached to someone with whom you never can feel like you can have an honest talk with when you want/need to? So if that's enough to keep him from calling again..no loss as far as I see. Don't you agree?

 

I agree with you. It doesn't sound like he knows what he wants now. So just give him the space to figure it all out. You may not get your answers as quickly as you'd like to have them but you WILL get your answers soon enough.

 

So what do you think? Can you do this?

[mattea]

all good points, touche!

 

yeah, i think i can do that. ball is in his court, he knows it. i'm lucky because i have lots of good friends and interests and i generally like my job and my life so i'm ok. i do wish he knew what he wanted so i could accept it and move forward one way or the other, but in the meantime i've got plenty to keep me entertained

[Touche]

all good points, touche!

 

yeah, i think i can do that. ball is in his court, he knows it. i'm lucky because i have lots of good friends and interests and i generally like my job and my life so i'm ok. i do wish he knew what he wanted so i could accept it and move forward one way or the other, but in the meantime i've got plenty to keep me entertained

 

Thanks, mattea.

 

I understand your wanting your answers now so you can either move forward with him or move on without him. This is going to be a little frustrating for you for a little while. It doesn't sound like anything you can't handle though. So just live your full life and be patient.

 

Sounds like you DO have a full life and you'll be ok until you get the answers you're waiting for. Try to be patient, ok?

[mattea]

welp, here's the update.

 

i did hear from him again very soon. we've hung out, spent time just the two of us and also with friends. and then i stayed at his house the other night, and it's become affectionate/sexual again.

 

so i guess we've hung out 3 times in that week and talked on the phone some too, but he hasn't said anything at all about what i suggested or what he wants for our relationship or if/how we can make it work long distance. i haven't asked any questions. often he's been very open to talking about things, but he's never been the one to initiate any talks. i find it frustrating.

 

the biggest problem as i see it is that i want a life partner who i share a life/home with and he's not ready for that. he says he wants it eventually. but even now, i want to be spending a lot more time together then we are and having more of a shared life. this has been an ongoing problem.

 

honestly, i don't want to be in a long distance relationship. i just see it as that or breaking up, so i figured i could tolerate it for a year if we could be together after that. but he probably doesn't feel like he can even commit to that plan, since he isn't ready for us to relocate together and live together now, and how does he know whether he'll feel ready for it in a year. and i keep wondering, how will we get closer and feel more certain about our relationship from 1000 miles away?

 

i just feel like we're wanting/needing really different things out of a relationship right now and i don't know if i can handle sticking it out for a year of long distance just to "see" if he feels differently then.