JackBlack Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Here's the quick and dirty: I'm interested in a girl who's in a long-distance relationship. We're both in school; I'm graduating this semester and she is not. We've conversed a few times and we seem to click at least somewhat. I don't really expect anything to happen since she's already in a relationship and I'll be moving away soon. But, I do like her, she seems like a really nice girl, and would like to at least get to know her a little better. Would I be overstepping to ask her out for something friendly and casual like lunch or coffee? Link to post Share on other sites
IThinkIllGoToBoston Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 what would you want you to do if you were her boyfriend? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackBlack Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 Are you trying to tell me something or are you asking me for my honest opinion? If I were her boyfriend, I would respect a guy who admired her, wanted to get to know her better, yet still acknowledged the fact that she was already in a relationship and not intentionally do anything that might sabotage the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Would I be overstepping to ask her out for something friendly and casual like lunch or coffee? Short answer....yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackBlack Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 Is it so unreasonable for me to simply try to get to know a girl that I like as long as I have no romantic intentions or any ill will towards her current relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
IThinkIllGoToBoston Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 let me ask you another question... why do you want to get to know her better if you have absolutely no intention of ever being in a romantic relationship of any type with her?? I'm not trying to frustrate you, or tell you that its wrong. I'm merely trying to get you to look at it from the point on view of the boyfriend... who has every right to be considered in this question... I'm just saying, answer your questions honestly from the point of view as someone who actually IS dating this wonderful girl from a distance (which is hard to trust anyways) and who learns of this other guy who is "interested" and wants to "spend time with her" Link to post Share on other sites
ratingsguy Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 If I were her boyfriend, I would respect a guy who admired her, wanted to get to know her better, yet still acknowledged the fact that she was already in a relationship and not intentionally do anything that might sabotage the relationship. Sorry, brother, but I don't buy that for a millisecond. She's attached. The right thing to do is to NOT ask her out. Link to post Share on other sites
Pretty Fly Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 If you ask her out and she knows that you know that she's seeing somebody, she might say yes but will highly likely assume it's just as friends, nothing more Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackBlack Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 Right, if I were to ask her out, it would be on a friendly level and nothing more. I would have no intention to encroach, but instead, simply to get to know a girl that I like simply because she across to me as a great person. No moves, no romance, etc. She might suspect that I'm interested in her if I were to ask her out, but I guess I'd have to communicate somehow that I have no intention "stealing" her. Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 You might not have any intentions of "breaking up" or "sabotaging" her relationship....consciously anyway. It sounds to me like you are trying to pretend to be her friend to get to know her, in the hopes that she will suddenly say "Oh I have a great guy who's been my friend right here; why am I still in this long distance relationship?" That is still indirectly sabotaging her relationship. If you want to be her friend, be her friend. Hang out with her with groups of people, joke with her about how you have senioritis, but you DO NOT "ask out" FRIENDS. Not to be rude, but you sound kinda shady. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackBlack Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 Is this any different from a guy wanting to hang out on friendly level with a girl who has no romantic interest in the guy, or a girl wanting to hang out with a guy who already has a girlfriend? In any case, it seems the consensus is that I should just do nothing. That's fine. But if I apparently seem "shady", do you care to fill me in as to why? Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I get tired of people who think that someone who is involved in a relationship is unhappy or going to break up with that person for no reason. If she was unhappy in her current long distance relationship or was seriously interested in you, she would break up with the guy. She hasn't done any of that, so it would seem she is neither unhappy with her relationship nor interested in you. Yet you still want to pursue her, "just as a friend." Leave well enough alone. The fact that you would even consider "asking out" a girl who is in a relationship is shady. I have been interested in guys who were in relationships before, too. Yes I flirted with them in class, we hung out and saw movies with groups of friends, we went out to bars with groups of people. But I didn't pursue any type of intimate relationship with them, and by intimate here I mean one-on-one. You have no business spending "alone time" with a girl who has a boyfriend. How would you feel if her boyfriend came to visit, and since you are her "friend" she invited you to meet him and hang out? My guess is you wouldn't really care to meet him, because you really ARE interested in her as more than a friend. Stating it is "just as friends" is a way to clear your guilty conscience. In any case, it seems the consensus is that I should just do nothing. That's fine. But if I apparently seem "shady", do you care to fill me in as to why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackBlack Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 Actually, you are mistaken. Asking her out just as friends is not a way for me to clear my conscience. If it were possible for me to get to know her better in a group social setting, that would be enough for me. But as I understand it, she isn't very social - I have never seen her out, and based on what I know, she doesn't have a close group of friends at school. So the way that you have flirted with non-single guys in a group setting is not a viable option for me. With that said, and considering the fact that I'll be relocating in a matter of months, the only way for me to really get to know is to ask her outright to see she wants to get together and do something. I also find it ridiculous that it's so hard to believe that a guy who is interested in a girl, who happens to not be single, can make an effort to get to know her, yet on a friendly level nonetheless. Bottom line is that I probably won't do anything, because I wouldn't want to ask her to get together and put her in the difficult position of deciding whether it might violate her commitment to her boyfriend. In any case, I find it amusing that some posters on this board are so quick to judge those who are simply asking for some advice. I post a short thread and I am already labeled as "shady" and accused of not only having the contemptible intention of trying to undermine another relationship, but also concealing that intention by couching it terms of "just being friends." The fact that anyone on this board questions my intentions and claims to know my intentions (and by definition, myself) better than I is laughable. I would venture to guess that the vast majority of posters on this board know each other on only a superficial level. With that said, I don't see how anyone can justifiably label or categorize another, or provide anything more than generalized advice, particularly when he or she has no knowledge of the other person's relationship history, emotional state, or (surprise, surprise) true-life personality. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 let me ask you another question... why do you want to get to know her better if you have absolutely no intention of ever being in a romantic relationship of any type with her?? :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 My advice was to not do anything. It was the same from most other people on the board. You chose to keep questioning and defending your actions. Maybe this girl is happy with her social life? Maybe you shouldn't try to inject yourself into it? Every girl I know, myself included, would have you in her life in some way if she wanted you in it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackBlack Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 There are no actions to question or defend, because I have taken no action. All I wanted was some feedback as to whether I should try and connect a little more with this girl (perhaps "asking out" was the wrong way to phrase it). I didn't plan on doing anything anyway, but was just curious as to the opinions of others. Instead, I get that and then some - posters implying that I'm shady, that I'm trying to undermine another's potentially satisfying and healthy relationship, that I'm simply trying to resolve some guilty conscience that I have that I'm unaware of yet somehow, some way, a few strangers sitting behind computers far, far, away, have mysteriously honed in on. What I will defend is my intention, and that is to simply get to know another person on the basis of feeling some mutual chemistry. Is it so unheard of to *gasp* meet someone regardless of their gender and find that you relate to them and with whom you have a few things in common? To put it another way, if I were not single, I would probably still take an interest in this girl in a non-romantic friendly way. Call me crazy, but finding members of the opposite sex with whom you have a connection and become friends, and nothing more, does not seem so unheard of. I'm done with this thread (and perhaps this board as well). Most of the advice I have received has been ill-informed, presumptuous, and overly judgmental at best. It seems that helpful advice cannot be had unless it is coming from someone who knows me on a personal level, and I suspect I am no aberration. This is not to say that this board is not a valuable forum for informative discussion. But, based on what I have read on here, it is not uncommon for posters to be completely candid about themselves and their relationship issues and share their emotions, with the hope of soliciting helpful advice from those who are (supposedly) wiser in such matters. People make themselves vulnerable on this board when they ask for such advice, and it is be a disservice to the board for other posters to be hasty in drawing conclusions about them and, as a result, offer ill-informed advice, judgment, and criticism. Link to post Share on other sites
Pretty Fly Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Every girl I know, myself included, would have you in her life in some way if she wanted you in it. Except when they play "hard to get"!! Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Make friends with guys and with females who aren't in romantic relationships. Then you avoid any appearance of "shadiness" or ill intentions. To me, from what you yourself have typed, it sounded like you wanted to "make friends" with this girl in the hopes that she would break up with her boyfriend and get together with you. In my opinion, if you were really just wanting a friendship, you wouldn't have to ask for advice on this board. It sounded like you were looking for validation that you were not, indeed, a jerk for asking out a woman who was in a relationship. And yes, perhaps this all stems from your poor word choice ("ask out" implied date), and also you asked it on a "dating" forum. Maybe you'd have been better served posting this in the "Friends" section. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 You keep saying over and over that asking her out would only be friendly intentions, to get to know her, etc., I don't know any man that asks a girl out just for those reasons without hope for intimacy later. Especially if he finds her attractive. The reason you want to "get to know her" is because you are attracted to her. As someone already mentioned here you are using the above as an excuse of sorts, hoping that she will naturally become more interested in you. You are disrespecting her relationship with her boyfriend. Even if you told her "lets hang out just as friends", lets say she believes this and agrees to it. You will then be disappointed after possibly starting to like her more only to have her back off when she realizes your true feelings. Basically you are setting yourself up to get knocked down. And if she truly believed you two were just friends, she would probably talk about her boyfriend and such and be honest you would hate it. Find yourself an accessible woman! Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Here's the quick and dirty: I'm interested in a girl who's in a long-distance relationship. We're both in school; I'm graduating this semester and she is not. We've conversed a few times and we seem to click at least somewhat. I don't really expect anything to happen since she's already in a relationship and I'll be moving away soon. But, I do like her, she seems like a really nice girl, and would like to at least get to know her a little better. Would I be overstepping to ask her out for something friendly and casual like lunch or coffee? I can't connect the 2. You'r moving but you want to get to know her better. Why? IMO it's best to leave her alone. Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 Why not just ask her out? let her decide, she's a big girl! Link to post Share on other sites
IThinkIllGoToBoston Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 you asked for advice, and you got it. sounds like it just wasn't what you wanted to hear. you can defend your intentions and/or restate your justifications as many times as you want, but it doesn't sound like its going to get you the answers you want to hear. sorry buddy. no offense intended. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 you asked for advice, and you got it. Right up the arse. Link to post Share on other sites
IThinkIllGoToBoston Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 Most of the advice I have received has been ill-informed, presumptuous, and overly judgmental at best. what you mean is "Most of the advice I have received has been true, honest, and not what I wanted everyone to tell me to do because they told me what I needed to hear and not necessarily what I wanted to hear" which is, in fact, better advice than a friend would give you, and why we're here. This board is for support and advice, not ego-stroking, unhealthy advice and patronizing of each other. You got peoples honest opinions and advice after reading your post. if you didn't want it, don't ask for it. but don't insult everyone just because it wasn't what you wanted to hear. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 You got peoples honest opinions and advice after reading your post. Exactly. We've laid everything on the table for you. To consider, I mean. And now it's up to you. New York, New York. Link to post Share on other sites
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