Very strange problem regarding date set-up, thanks in advance!

[Rebel24]

So this has now happened to me twice now:

I'll get a girls number at a party or some other social situation, call her a few days later and spend a good five minutes talking to her. I'll ask her some open-ended questions and crack some jokes to make her laugh. Then, I'll propose a casual lunch and we'll make plans for a certain time and day. I EVEN TELL HER that flakiness is a pet-peeve is mine to set a standard and avoid what happens next...

 

The problem occurs when the actual day of the lunch comes up. I'll text her beforehand and ask her if we're still on for the lunch and she will give some excuse. In order to not appear desperate, I'll say something like "Like I told you, flakiness is one of my pet-peeves but I'd still like to get to know you, how about we reschedule and you can make it up to me? :)"

After this, she says "But I don't even know you." and I try to explain that the whole point of going out to lunch is to get to know eachother. At this point I got a response of "No you're weird sorry"

 

 

 

This is ridiculous. I am generally very successful with girls, I could not think of a better way to handle the situation and I got completely shut down... if you can help, it would be appreciated.

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

I agree that what you've told the girls is WEIRD. If a guy told me that flakiness is a pet peeve of theirs, I'd for sure be put off and they'd get no date from me, even if I had been initially interested. And also, you can't tell them they can make it up to you. Girls just are going to dig that. Try a new tactic.

[Guest]

whoa! what about something, like in my case - where we are both weird and flakes - that's double trouble from the boi in the bubble - lol

 

btw, i appreciate u taking the time to point me in the direction of a program where i can download my pix - i hope u get the chance to see them and let me know what u think

 

love to see some of yer new stuff as well

 

just had to repeat for the 15th time info about lawyers to parents - they are really freaking out - that's all they talk about - and they have been going down to court even when i am not there - i feel so sorry one mistake i made is doing this to them. they watch my every move and question everything and have no idea what the hell is going on - iu'd rather be back in the slammer man. one day i will share this story with a good woman and we'll have a big laugh - right now its reaaaaaaaaaaally funny - lol

 

man, i am such an idiot

 

these is easy the most expense, and troublesome 'i love u' voice message i have ever left someone - lol

 

because of this i will never use the phone again! never, ever, never

 

will, maybe, a little

[Star Gazer]

Not liking flakiness should be a given. Just like being rude to a waiter or something. You don't warn a girl as you're walking into the restaurant, "Hey now, I don't like girls who are rude to the waiter, just so ya know..." You're laying down the law before there's even a date... yes, weird.

 

And the cutesy suggestion of "I'll let ya make it up to me" - even if casual and in a joking tone, is weird given that you haven't even gone out on a date yet. It makes it sound like she owes you something, and she owes you diddly squat.

 

I have to cancel lunch dates all the time because work obligations pop up. If you had asked me out and I had to cancel under similar circumstances and you acted that way, I wouldn't be interested anymore.

 

I also think you should avoid communicating about date set-ups and so forth via text. There's too much room for misinterpretation....

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

The basics are, Rebel24:

 

Flakiness is a bad sign -or lousy excuse. Check mark. But: You are a man -and men should be careful when distinguishing between thought and action.

 

Think before you speak. Not everything that runs through your mind, you are allowed to profess to a woman -via telephone, text or e-mail.

 

Second, you moved too fast. Slow down. You shouldn't be in a rush. A woman can sense overwhelming anticipation. Get to know a woman real well, before progressing to the next stage -because an interested woman will wait.

 

Sand&Water

[Mary3]

Smells too * desperate * for me....back off and don't give the girl your speeches about flakiness because she will interprete that you have been stood up alot.

[IWalkAlone]

Talking about flakiness being a pet peeve so early in the process and texting to confirm can be a red flag that you would be controlling and jealious as a boyfriend.

 

Here's what you do....

 

Once a woman agrees to a date, don't contact her her until the the actual date. If you work with her or see her in your normal routine that's fine, but don't go out of your way to talk to her.

 

Save the flakiness speech for later in the process, or if "pet peeves" come up naturally in conversation.

 

If she stands you up for the date, don't ask her out again.

 

If she contacts you at the last minute to cancel, accept the apology and reschedule. If she cancels a second time, do not invite her again, because she is probably blowing you off. But if she suggests a date, you can accept. Stuff does happen in life, but after two cancellations the burden is on her to prove she isn't blowing you off by making the next invitation.

[kindred_soulman]

So this has now happened to me twice now:

I'll get a girls number at a party or some other social situation, call her a few days later and spend a good five minutes talking to her. I'll ask her some open-ended questions and crack some jokes to make her laugh. Then, I'll propose a casual lunch and we'll make plans for a certain time and day. I EVEN TELL HER that flakiness is a pet-peeve is mine to set a standard and avoid what happens next...

 

The problem occurs when the actual day of the lunch comes up. I'll text her beforehand and ask her if we're still on for the lunch and she will give some excuse. In order to not appear desperate, I'll say something like "Like I told you, flakiness is one of my pet-peeves but I'd still like to get to know you, how about we reschedule and you can make it up to me? :)"

After this, she says "But I don't even know you." and I try to explain that the whole point of going out to lunch is to get to know eachother. At this point I got a response of "No you're weird sorry"

 

 

 

This is ridiculous. I am generally very successful with girls, I could not think of a better way to handle the situation and I got completely shut down... if you can help, it would be appreciated.

 

Girls do this sort of thing all the time. They enjoy giving out numbers even if they have no intention of calling you. You just gave her an ego boost.

 

If the girl is very attractive, I would bet that she already has something on the side and will see how far she can string you along to fulfill her selfishness.

[kindred_soulman]

Smells too * desperate * for me....back off and don't give the girl your speeches about flakiness because she will interprete that you have been stood up alot.

 

If she sees it this way, then RUN!

 

Any decent woman is going to view your opinion of flakiness as a good trait - unless of course she is flaky herself.

 

Personally, I have written off these kind of women situations more times than I can count.

 

To me, what she did shows a disrespect of you, your time and emotions. Stand up for yourself and all men and drop her. If more men would do this instead of being pansies, the world would be a much better place. Women would have more respct for men and this behavior would stop. last I checked there's no monopoly on azz, even though women may act like there is.

[Kamille]

If she sees it this way, then RUN!

 

Any decent woman is going to view your opinion of flakiness as a good trait - unless of course she is flaky herself.

 

Personally, I have written off these kind of women situations more times than I can count.

 

To me, what she did shows a disrespect of you, your time and emotions. Stand up for yourself and all men and drop her. If more men would do this instead of being pansies, the world would be a much better place. Women would have more respct for men and this behavior would stop. last I checked there's no monopoly on azz, even though women may act like there is.

 

It is now clear to me that you made up this masochist web identity to entertain the masses with anarchic ideas and stereotypes about gender.

[kindred_soulman]

It is now clear to me that you made up this masochist web identity to entertain the masses with anarchic ideas and stereotypes about gender.

 

I am sorry that reality offends you so much.

[Kamille]

I am sorry that reality offends you so much.

 

who said i was offended? And who defines reality?

[kindred_soulman]

who said i was offended? And who defines reality?

 

Reality is everything around you. Some people just chose not to accept it, or view it in a skewed "fairy tale" light.

[Kamille]

Reality is everything around you. Some people just chose not to accept it, or view it in a skewed "fairy tale" light.

 

And nothing proves that your grasp of reality isn't skewed, darling.

[Mary3]

If she sees it this way, then RUN!

 

Any decent woman is going to view your opinion of flakiness as a good trait - unless of course she is flaky herself.

 

Personally, I have written off these kind of women situations more times than I can count.

 

To me, what she did shows a disrespect of you, your time and emotions. Stand up for yourself and all men and drop her. If more men would do this instead of being pansies, the world would be a much better place. Women would have more respct for men and this behavior would stop. last I checked there's no monopoly on azz, even though women may act like there is.

 

 

The OP reeks of insecurity and to give the girl the riot act about flaking out in the first pre empts of a date shows me the guy doubts she will even show up hence he had previous flak~ers.

 

If I had a guy give me that speech he need not worry about me flaking because I would decline the date right then and there.

[Star Gazer]

Talking about flakiness being a pet peeve so early in the process and texting to confirm can be a red flag that you would be controlling and jealious as a boyfriend.

 

 

You know, that's exactly it! I've never been involved in a controlling relationship, so it didn't come to me at first. But that's totally why it's weird.

[Rebel24]

If she sees it this way, then RUN!

 

Any decent woman is going to view your opinion of flakiness as a good trait - unless of course she is flaky herself.

 

Personally, I have written off these kind of women situations more times than I can count.

 

To me, what she did shows a disrespect of you, your time and emotions. Stand up for yourself and all men and drop her. If more men would do this instead of being pansies, the world would be a much better place. Women would have more respct for men and this behavior would stop. last I checked there's no monopoly on azz, even though women may act like there is.

 

Thanks for all your responses guys, but I hope you can understand the intent of why I said what I did about flakines earlier- let me explain:

 

When I meet a girl, I might not have a huge opportunity to get to know them on the spot, so I talk to them briefly and get their number. I follow up by calling them a few days later and having a friendly conversation with them where I make them laugh and shortly after I'll say something like this:

"Hey what's your schedule like for the next few days?"

[They tell me]

 

Based on what day looks good for them, I say "Well you know a really good place to grab a bite to eat, how about we go get lunch there? And Lunch is a safe bet, that way, if you're a scary-person in person I can just make an excuse like 'Uhhhh I have to go... floss my cat, it's an emergency'". They usually laugh after this and agree to the date.

 

After that, I mention the flakiness thing MAINLY because many a times I have had a girl flake out on me(by the way why do you think this is? Did I just not spend enough time talking to her and getting to know her in person/on the phone?). In this situation, when I texted the girl beforehand and asked her if we were still on for the date, she asked me who I was. What does that tell you? If I showed up to the place we agreed, she wouldn't have even remembered to come! That's why I text her beforehand and remind her by saying "So are we still on for our lunch today?"

 

 

The point of saying that my pet-peve is flakiness is that it SHOWS the girl that I'm not her tool and i'm not going to be treated like ****. Also, it shows that I'm a straight-forward and assertive person. In my experience, and I feel very strongly about this, girls generally find men who do NOT cower to them and do not seek their approval to be very attractive. Note that when I tell them that flakiness is a pet-peve of mine, I say it in a very assertive tone, not in a nervous 'I'm-scared-of-rejection' tone.

 

If you can't make it, that's absolutely fine, but if that is really the case, you should offer an alternative time. If you don't offer an alternative time, or atleast say "but let's do something later!" it means that you weren't interested in the first place or that you don't care enough to think about offering it i and that's fine, but I will not ask you out again. I believe that I'm a valuable catch and I bring a lot to the table so I'm not going to be treated like a second-hand play-toy. If a girl fails to give me her respect, she certainly does not deserve my attention.

 

I feel that I am quite knowledgable about understand girls motives and what-not but this situation has somewhat flustered me. I think what probably turned her off was me offering for her to make it up to me. However, I didn't want to be a desperate-loser and excuse her selfish act and offer a second date. Can you think of an alternative thing I could have said instead to pursue a second date without looking desperate?

 

Thanks again guys, I look forward to your responses.

[Rebel24]

Also, as a side-note- let's be real guys, EVERYONE has been flaked out on so I don't think it comes off as desperate, it comes off as being REAL. They way I say it, I believe it gives off the message "Look, I'm serious about this, if you're not, don't waste my time." illustrating confidence, and a solid personality, not nervousness/being-scared-of-rejection.

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

Rebel, I never said that it makes you come across as desperate. If you're serious about dating, that's fine, but you shouldn't SAY that to someone you don't even know. The whole "pet peeve" thing still weirds me out. If I just met someone, I don't want to know what their pet peeves are. Save that for the third date.

[Kamille]

curious. so if i get it straight, this mostly happens to you through on-line dating?

 

I think you have to strike a balance where you come out as seeming confident but also playful. And unfortunately, you focusing on a negative trait in the first phone conversation you have with a girl - just not playful. And not matter how confident the tone, well, it would kind of give me the opposite impression if a guy asked me out then mentioned he doesn't like flakiness in a girl.

 

It is a very weird thing to say to a stranger when asking them out! Come on! What if I asked you out and told you: oh and by the way, I don't like smelly guys, so wash up. (I couldn't think of any other examples...) Chances are you do wash up regularly but that would freak you out wouldn't it? You'd flake on the date so fast the Road Runner couldn't catch up with you.

 

So next time you set up a date, don't use the flakiness line. Simply. And since you are confident, you obviously don't need to use any tactic to show it. Good luck.