Belovely Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 I have this dilemma...I've been completely out of a realtionship with my ex since September. It was a bad breakup where he ended up going out with one of my close friends, got engaged, and it married. Initially, it was very hard to grasp how he was able to move on so quickly after being with me for 2 yrs and claiming that he loved me so. Why would you waste 2 yrs of your life with someone if those feelings were never there? So I went through the hurt, anger, rejection, etc. I am over the relationship and know that even if was single, I wouldn't want him back. Here comes the difficult part...I met someone at work who is great and really interested in me. We've gone out many times and he's come over and things go well. He wants a realtionship, but I just don't want one. It's not him...I just don't want one. How do I tell him this? I've tried, but he doesn't understand. He thinks that I don't trust him and think he's going to the same thing that my ex did. And although I'm afraid of getting hurt, I do trust him....but, still, I don't want a relationship. Am I weird for not wanting one? I mean, I'm enjoying myself, going out with friends, not having to answer to anyone, etc. How do I say that without sounding selfish? I know I will want a realtionship eventually, but when i don't know and with who, is another question. It may be with him or it may not. But for right now, I am happy on my own, learning about me, having a good time, etc. Is this so wrong? How do I make him understand? Can you not want a relationshp without having any reason? I just don't know...I'm not ready and I don't want to go through what I did in my last relationship just yet. But I don't want to loose him as a friend either. I'm confused and lost! Help! Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 Am I weird for not wanting one? I mean, I'm enjoying myself, going out with friends, not having to answer to anyone, etc. How do I say that without sounding selfish? Selfish? Dude, this is your life - do what you want with it. Well, in times when you don't have responsibilities, and you haven't signed up for anything with him... yet. Just tell him the deal, and set the boundaries. Make sure you don't lead him on. Lose him as a friend? If he's a friend for the "right" reasons, you won't lose him. Obviously you can't have your cake and eat it too. On second thoughts, maybe you are being a bit selfish. How could you not dedicate your life to pleasing men? Bad girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Belovely Posted January 15, 2007 Author Share Posted January 15, 2007 Magichands: Thanks for your reply. I have set my boundaries and have told him exactly where I stand. The problem is that he doesn't understand that I just don't want a relationship. He wants to know why I don't. If I say I need my time, he calls it a bit selfish. If I say I'm afraid of getting hurt, he says that I obviously don't trust him. But I do trust him, but the fear of being hurt like I was in my last relationship is still there. He claims that this is a bit contradictory because I'm saying I trust him, but I'm afraid he'll hurt me, so in essence I don't really trust him. I enjoy spending time with him, we have great conversation, etc. But I just don't want one...LoL I know I'm crazy! Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 If I say I need my time, he calls it a bit selfish. If I say I'm afraid of getting hurt, he says that I obviously don't trust him. Emotional blackmail. But you don't seem to be falling for it. How about, "You're stubborn and you don't listen to me." More than fair. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkwall Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 As long as you're being completely honest with yourself about "WHY" then I don't think you're selfish. You obviously just need time to breath and absorb everything that has happened. You have every right to not feel ready for a new relationship. Just continue to be honest with yourself and with your new man. But, do him the favour of not stringing him along. If you're not ready to be emotionally attached then that's all he needs to know. But, make that very clear to him. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 If you're not ready to be emotionally attached then that's all he needs to know. But, make that very clear to him. Maybe you could get a T-shirt made up. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkwall Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 magic you're a riot Link to post Share on other sites
Author Belovely Posted January 15, 2007 Author Share Posted January 15, 2007 Thank you guys for all your kind words and the humor...it adds a great deal of ease to an uncomfortable situation. I've thought about me just not being attracted to him, but I honestly don't think that's it. Because honestly, I can't picture myself with anyone at the moment, so it's not him. I've been honest with him and he knows where I stand. It is his choice to stick around and "wait". I haven't made any promises. I'm not ready to be emotionally tied down and I can't say that when i am, I will want to be with him. It sucks, but I don't know what else I can possibly say to make him understand. Oh well! Thanks again! Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 Because honestly, I can't picture myself with anyone at the moment, so it's not him. That's another great line, to keep in hand... "It's not you, it's me." It's an added bonus that there's some truth to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 maybe just let go of the guy completely. honestly it sounds like he isnt getting the point, so maybe its best if u just cut off contact. it doesnt seem like ur especially interested in even taking it slow with him, so having to keep explaining why u dont want a relationship is kind of pointless. he's probably hoping that the more he tries to break through ur reasoning, the more u'll get sick of trying to tell him and just give in to having a relationship that u dont want. he may also like "the thrill of the chase" as well. tell him u dont want a relationship, u have ur reasons for it and case closed. u might have to be a little more harsh about it because he obviously isnt getting it. actually if he was a decent guy he'd understand and step back, so pressuring u is kind of a rotten thing to do. cut off contact with him, cause being friends with him isnt going to work and just cusually dating is going to give him false hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Belovely Posted January 15, 2007 Author Share Posted January 15, 2007 Lauriebell: The problem is that I don't know how I'll feel when I'm ready to move into a relationship. I mean he has all the qualities I like in a man and other than this constant pressuring on the same subject, he is very respectful. I enjoy spending time with him and we get along great, but again, I want to be solo. He keeps putting this time limit like I should be ok and ready to move since it's been about 6months that things with my ex went sour. And yes I'm over the ex, no i don't want him back, but the fact that i'm still not ready is still there. Maybe it's the fear of getting hurt again, maybe I don't want to risk it, maybe I just want to be on my own. He doesn't seem to understand why I would want to be alone...Like i have to have a reason for it. We also work together and that's another reason I don't want a relationship: I hate mixing business with pleasure. I already feel uncomfortable because people are starting to talk and he thinks that this reason is BS. And so the cycle continues... Link to post Share on other sites
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