kandygirl Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 a friend of my boyfriend's who works with him has been after him and a few other guys for about a year for them to go to his hometown to hang out for the night. he's a regular at this strip club. my boyfriend's going and didn't even invite me. i'm freaking out because i'm afraid he'll get drunk and mess with someone there. i concider myself attractive (i'm a model and the lead singer of a band) and i treat him good. i don't understand why he wants to go, because he's in a relationship with me. i'm trying to be a good girlfriend and not show that i'm not happy about it. i don't want him to feel that he can't go out with his friends. is there anyone out there that feels the same as me, or disagrees? i need something to make me feel better about this situation. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
distant__nebulae Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 You don't own him, you are in a relationship with him. Additionally, if you don't trust him you should not be together. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 Him going to watch is not a big deal. As long as it's not something he does ALOT, I honestly wouldn't worry about it. Take advantage of it and tell him when he gets home you two are gonna have some HOT SEX!! That will give him something fun to think about later ... He isn't going to cheat on you by going to a strip joint. Try not to feel threatened by him going...It's fun, it's a visual thing and nothing more. If you make a big deal of it, the more it will upset you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kandygirl Posted December 6, 2006 Author Share Posted December 6, 2006 thanks to you both i've been to strip clubs with my guy friends before, and he knows this. i know what goes on, etc. the thing that upsets me is that he didn't even invite me. we've only been together for a month. it just looks to me like he'd be spending this time with me, getting closer to me instead of having a guys night out already? tell me if i'm wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 I do not have a problem if my H wants to go to a strip club. That may be the reason why he seldom goes. I think that if you tell a guy "no" it makes him want to go even more, but if you are okay with it it's not a big deal to go because it's not like it's a forbidden place. You have to be secure about yourself and, above all, you need to trust him! What is the point of a relationship, if there is no trust? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kandygirl Posted December 6, 2006 Author Share Posted December 6, 2006 he's never done anything for me not to trust him. as a matter of fact, he treats me very well... i just know how he is with me after he's had a little bit to drink. he's very touchy and feely, and sweet. i'm just afraid he'll get to drinking and want someone to be all over him. and i won't be there. has your H ever went and not invited you though? it just seems like if he wasn't going to do anything wrong he would bring me along too. he takes me everywhere else he usually goes, and he knows i've been to strip clubs before. like i said that's the part i don't understand. but i figured, if he wants to spend the night out with his friends i can do the same. i'm going out with the girls that same night. he has no problem with it because when he told me his plans, i told him mine Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 the thing that upsets me is that he didn't even invite me. we've only been together for a month. it just looks to me like he'd be spending this time with me, getting closer to me instead of having a guys night out already? tell me if i'm wrong. I feel you are wrong. Why don't you try some role reversal for a moment. What if your friends wanted a "girls night out", no bf's? Do you ditch your friends because you got a bf? Or do you have to take your bf every where with you? Or would you go out with your gf's for one night? I think I figured it out.. you think that first few months are the honeymoon period. Where his attention should be riveted to you and nothign else. That everything past that honeymoon stage is all down hill, so if he's off galavanting with the boys and going to strip clubs now, then what will he do when the honeymoon period ends? Is that it? I think you're being controlling by being upset that he didn't invite you. And I think you should go out with your friends and have a blast while he's off with his friends. People need time apart, especially when they first start dating someone. If you inundate each other with your presence then it could place too much pressure on the relationship and collapse it. People need space. Time in which they don't have to worry if their partner is having fun. Don't have to worry if their partner likes their friends, gets along with their friends, and vice versa. Every couple needs that in a relationship. That time apart. He isn't ditching you. He's not going to cheat on you. He's taking a little space within the relationship and will come back happier and more appreciative of what he has. Why is it so bad that he has fun when you're not around? If he also wants to have fun with you regularly, then why is it such a big deal if for ONE time this month he hangs out with his friends without you? Is there something else you're not writing? Has he given you reason to not trust him or something? Are there red flags that cause you to worry about what he'll do when he's gone? Maybe I'm not getting the full story.... Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 has your H ever went and not invited you though? it just seems like if he wasn't going to do anything wrong he would bring me along too. he takes me everywhere else he usually goes, and he knows i've been to strip clubs before. Maybe your bf has reservations in taking you because he isn't positive that you would have a good time if you went? Has he been burned by jealous gf's in the past? Maybe he feels comfortable enough with you that he feels you trust him in going to the strip club, but not quite comfortable enough to have you watch while strippers rub on him trying to get his money? Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 Yes, there have been times when my H did not invite me. That's because it's a guys night out, it would be ackward for me to be the only girl going out with them. I would not even want to go if it's a guys night out, hence the GUYS night out! I have gone with him before, but it's only him and I. I think he is entitled to go out with the guys, have fun and not have to drag me along. If your bf really cares about you he will not do more than he is supposed to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kandygirl Posted December 6, 2006 Author Share Posted December 6, 2006 I think I figured it out.. you think that first few months are the honeymoon period. Where his attention should be riveted to you and nothign else. That everything past that honeymoon stage is all down hill, so if he's off galavanting with the boys and going to strip clubs now, then what will he do when the honeymoon period ends? Is that it? YES THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL. I FEEL LIKE IF HE CARED ABOUT ME HE WOULDN'T EVEN THINK OF GOING TO A STRIP CLUB WHEN HE COULD BE HANGING OUT WITH ME. I think you're being controlling by being upset that he didn't invite you. YOU'RE RIGHT. THANK GOODNESS WHEN HE TOLD ME OF HIS PLANS, I DIDN'T ACT UPSET. I FELT IT INSIDE BUT DIDN'T LET HIM KNOW IT BOTHERED ME. I JUST TOLD HIM THAT I WAS GOING OUT WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS THAT NIGHT TOO AND DIDN'T MAKE A BIG DEAL OF IT. Why is it so bad that he has fun when you're not around? If he also wants to have fun with you regularly, then why is it such a big deal if for ONE time this month he hangs out with his friends without you? Is there something else you're not writing? Has he given you reason to not trust him or something? Are there red flags that cause you to worry about what he'll do when he's gone? Maybe I'm not getting the full story.... IT'S DEFINATELY NOT BAD THAT HE HAS FUN WITHOUT ME. I JUST THINK THE STRIP CLUB THING IS A LITTLE BUI ODD ESPECIALLY WITH A NEW GIRLFRIEND. I WOULDN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WHATSOEVER IF HE JUST WENT OUT WITH THE GUYS TO A BAR OR WHATEVER, JUST NOT SOMEWHERE TO WATCH OTHER GIRLS AND HAVE THEM FEELING ALL OVER HIM. IS IT THAT I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO COME HOME TO? LIKE I SAID BEFORE I'M NOT UNATTRACTIVE AT ALL. AND I'M VERY GOOD TO HIM NO, THERE'S NOTHING I'M NOT WRITING. I'VE TOLD EVERYTHING. ASIDE FROM THIS ISSUE WE HAVE NO OTHER PROBLEMS. WE HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP. HE HAS NEVER GIVEN ME REASONS TO NOT TRUST HIM. If your bf really cares about you he will not do more than he is supposed to. I FULLY AGREE. I JUST NEED TO TRY TO KEEP THIS IN MIND Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 Him going to watch is not a big deal. As long as it's not something he does ALOT, I honestly wouldn't worry about it. Take advantage of it and tell him when he gets home you two are gonna have some HOT SEX!! That will give him something fun to think about later ... He isn't going to cheat on you by going to a strip joint. Try not to feel threatened by him going...It's fun, it's a visual thing and nothing more. If you make a big deal of it, the more it will upset you. Why would she really want to have sex with him knowing that he was all turned on because of some stripper not her? Actually at a strip join there is always a chance a guy can cheat. I am not saying her guy will just that strip joints aren't the innocent happy place guys try to make them seem. Link to post Share on other sites
jenniferlm Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 Why would she really want to have sex with him knowing that he was all turned on because of some stripper not her? Actually at a strip join there is always a chance a guy can cheat. I am not saying her guy will just that strip joints aren't the innocent happy place guys try to make them seem. I've been a stripper for 11 years now. There is actually LESS chance of a guy getting any in the strip club than at a REGULAR bar. Believe me. Unless he's super-uber hot and likes to flirt and plans on asking girls out, or is some kind of celebrity, in which case any girl w/ one of these types of guys should be used to him cheating on her by now. Maybe since she has a problem with this she should tell him that she doesn't mind him going and having a "look-see" but that she'd rather him buy a couple dances for his friends instead of getting any himself. That way he's still participating in the fun (and contributing) but not making his gf feel uncomfortable... Link to post Share on other sites
scrybe74 Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 Maybe your bf has reservations in taking you because he isn't positive that you would have a good time if you went? Has he been burned by jealous gf's in the past? Maybe he feels comfortable enough with you that he feels you trust him in going to the strip club, but not quite comfortable enough to have you watch while strippers rub on him trying to get his money? I agree with walk in what he/she is saying. It is also very possible that bcause the relationship is so new and you two are still getting know each other he's still not comfortable in bringing you along to the club. More than likely he didn't invite because it's a "Boys night out". The whole point is to go with your guy friends. I would never bring a girl that I was dating to a boys night out unless my fellas thought she was cool enough to come and not damper the fun. And that is rare. Just respect his space. It's okay to let him know that you truthfully are a little nervous about him going but just let him know that you trust him and leave it at that. It'll remind him when he's at the club to not cross any lines that would hurt you. Just calm down and relax. If everything else in your relationship is well then you shouldn't have anything to worry about. If something goes down you'll find out eventually one way or another. Secrets never stay hidden forever. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 Why would she really want to have sex with him knowing that he was all turned on because of some stripper not her? Actually at a strip join there is always a chance a guy can cheat. I am not saying her guy will just that strip joints aren't the innocent happy place guys try to make them seem. I think I can count on one hand how many times my husband has been to the nudie bar. But, the last time he went it was bach. party... Anyway, I just took advantage of the fact that he was horny. He didn't ask or even approach me for sex, that was all my idea! Anyway, it was hot sex! And no, I didn't feel insecure, jealous or feel used that he was all horny from watching naked women... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 we've only been together for a month. it just looks to me like he'd be spending this time with me, getting closer to me instead of having a guys night out already? One night out with the boys and him not spending 'one night' with you isn't going to make a difference. Just because you two are dating, doesn't mean he can't still have a life and do things that he enjoys like a guys night out. Also, you shouldn't stop doing things with your friends either, just because you're now in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 Do women SERIOUSLY think it's as easy as a group of guys stepping into a stripclub and they're guaranteed to get laid? Most places, there is absolutely no touching allowed anyway. Secondly, those girls get hit on all day long all night long every single day. Nothing your boyfriend can say or do drunkenly will make them say, "Hmm, let's go for it!" There's nothing to worry about. If you have a problem with him looking at naked women, that's another thing, but you really shouldn't worry whatsoever about him hooking up with any of the strippers. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 I agree that there is nothing sick or weird about using the feelings that the strip club will give him to your advantage and do the dirty with him after. He'll love it. Also, he probably didnt invite you because he was asked by his friends. Not you, him. It's not his place to being you along, is it? It's not his plan it was theirs. Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 I've been a stripper for 11 years now. There is actually LESS chance of a guy getting any in the strip club than at a REGULAR bar. Believe me. Unless he's super-uber hot and likes to flirt and plans on asking girls out, or is some kind of celebrity, in which case any girl w/ one of these types of guys should be used to him cheating on her by now. Maybe since she has a problem with this she should tell him that she doesn't mind him going and having a "look-see" but that she'd rather him buy a couple dances for his friends instead of getting any himself. That way he's still participating in the fun (and contributing) but not making his gf feel uncomfortable... Actually there is a much bigger chance a guy will cheat in a strip club. I don't think a guy could pay some random girl in a bar to do the things strippers do. (such as lap dance) So I gotta disagree with you there. Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 I think I can count on one hand how many times my husband has been to the nudie bar. But, the last time he went it was bach. party... Anyway, I just took advantage of the fact that he was horny. He didn't ask or even approach me for sex, that was all my idea! Anyway, it was hot sex! And no, I didn't feel insecure, jealous or feel used that he was all horny from watching naked women... Well if you are ok with this then great. However alot of women would be extremely insualted knowing that their man got turned on by some stripper. Link to post Share on other sites
Double Vision Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 strip clubs rule.....its just a shame we have partners in order to get regular sexa friend of my boyfriend's who works with him has been after him and a few other guys for about a year for them to go to his hometown to hang out for the night. he's a regular at this strip club. my boyfriend's going and didn't even invite me. i'm freaking out because i'm afraid he'll get drunk and mess with someone there. i concider myself attractive (i'm a model and the lead singer of a band) and i treat him good. i don't understand why he wants to go, because he's in a relationship with me. i'm trying to be a good girlfriend and not show that i'm not happy about it. i don't want him to feel that he can't go out with his friends. is there anyone out there that feels the same as me, or disagrees? i need something to make me feel better about this situation. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 Imo a guy in a relationship should steer away from strip clubs if his gf is eevn slightly unconfortable with it. But that's just me. Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 Imo a guy in a relationship should steer away from strip clubs if his gf is eevn slightly unconfortable with it. But that's just me. Yep I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 I think I can count on one hand how many times my husband has been to the nudie bar. But, the last time he went it was bach. party... They had a Bach party at a strip club? You guys really are more cultured in Canada. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kandygirl Posted December 7, 2006 Author Share Posted December 7, 2006 the thing is, when he told me what his plans were i acted like it didn't bother me that he was going. i just told him that since he had plans that i would probabily go out with the girls that same night. so he dosen't know that i don't really like the idea. like i said, we've only been together for a month. the last thing i want to do is make him think that i'm a controlling girlfriend and scare him away. is there anything i could maybe say to him that would let him know that i'm not exactly comfy with it, but i'm trusting him to make the right decisions? i don't know...thanks for everyone's replies on this Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 This might not work in your situation, but maybe you two could get the grove on prior to both of you going out? I mean.. both of you will feel closer, both of you will hopefully feel content sexually, and it might negate some of the insecurity issues. Otherwise, I'm really not coming up with anything that will say you trust him while saying you don't. Kind of negates each other. Link to post Share on other sites
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