Why are friends so neglectful?

[justagirl1121]

I just wanted some of your feedback for this as sometimes it's making me kind of sad.

 

I have a "BFF" who I was roommates with for 2 years in college. We were really close and we talked about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. We've been out of college for about 2 years. The first like 9 mo we didn't really talk, and then all of a sudden we saw each other like every weekend. We were doing all sorts of things together. We were really close. Though she can be a bit bossy and stuff, like I always end up meeting her, she never meets up with me (we live like 30 mi away) so I've gotten to the point were we at least meet in the middle.

 

Well, I had a guy I liked and she'd tell me these things to make it sound like it'd be all perfect w/ me and him and he just turned out to be a big a**h***. She started dating this guy who lives in a different state like 4 hrs away. Now she's down there like 2 weekends a month. I guess I can see where she's all caught up in this. But we never ever talk anymore. I haven't seen her since march. I've talked to her maybe 3 times and two of them were me calling her. And part of the reason is just because I feel like I'm feeding her ego. If her boyfriend calls, she'll get off the phone with me to talk to him. Or she'll say I'll call you back in a min i gotta let the dog out and then never calls back usually.

 

We do text message fairly regularly and if I just stop contact, she'll usually text me but doesn't call. Now, my schedules have been pretty crappy. I was working 230pm to 11pm with wed/thur off. so i couldnt do anything on weekends. I started today with 4pm-1am w/ sat/sun off. so it's not better but maybe it'll help having weekends off.

 

i've tried to get her to meet for brunch before i go to work on a sunday. it almost worked out. she made a comment abt not being able to do anything after work b/c it gets too late tho she'll turn around nad have dinner w/ someone else....which makes no sense.

 

i msged her the other day about dinner and she replied that her parents were in fl and she had to take care of the dog. now come on...we have a dog. you cant go to dinner over the dog? palease. let him out and feed him and then meet me for dinner. so i msged her later on asking if she was going to meet up w/ me (this was for like 3 days away) and she never returned my msg.

 

you'd think she doesnt like me or want to be my friend but when i've talked to her or msg'ed back and forth she'll be like "i miss my bff!" and stuff...but other than the words she's not putting effort into it. so idont know what to believe!!!

 

then she messages me w/ how she's annoyed w/ another friend b/c they were supposed to meet for dinner and the friend decided not to come b/c she was lazy and just didnt feel like getting dressed. i wanted to be like "yeah its ANNOYING ISNT IT?" but i didnt beause i dont like to start things.

 

 

 

she's said things like "we just feel like you dont value your friendship since you got your new job" (who is they?).....like my job is my new best friend; yeah right! shld i quit and not have any money or any success?

 

now she's trying to hook me up with her bf friend in maryland. and basically i have no excuse since she does the LD thing. except my job isnt like hers. yes i have vacation time like i didnt think possible but its not as easy to get it off like she can.

 

anyway, she's not hte only person. there's like 5 other people that dont call back and i've called them like 4 times and i gave up on that. who did i piss over for the new year?

 

its just i know my schedule isnt really great right now but that doesnt mean you cant call me and leave me a msg just to leave one even if i cant answer the phone. i only have 2 ppl who talk to me regularly; almost daily. and they're girls. not that thats not good. but where's the guys too?

 

i just am not sure what to do because at this point i have no life whatsoever so i dont even have anything to talk about if i did talk to them. i dont know if i shld be the bigger persona nd just start calling; i just feel like it does work both ways; why cant they call me? or shld i just be like oh well there's another friend lost?

 

help would be appreciated!!

[Fun2BMe]

I can see where your frustration is coming from, but I think your expectations are not too realistic and still at the high school level.

 

then she messages me w/ how she's annoyed w/ another friend b/c they were supposed to meet for dinner and the friend decided not to come b/c she was lazy and just didnt feel like getting dressed. i wanted to be like "yeah its ANNOYING ISNT IT?" but i didnt beause i dont like to start things.

You sound like you are 12 years old. You live 30 miles away, your schedule is very hectic, working until 1 AM and until recently you didn't have weekends off, your friend also has a boyfriend and other friends to split your time with. Once you are out of college and live away, it is very difficult to maintain all your friends. You are talking about her and five other girls, and also some guys! Some people barely have time to include one full time friend, let alone a whole army of them in their adult life. Work, family, boy/girlfriends, personal things and in your situation distance all take up time.

 

We do text message fairly regularly and if I just stop contact, she'll usually text me but doesn't call.

I have so many people always calling me that I will go for long periods of only responding to text messages because I know once I get on the phone, it could end up eatinga lot of time. She at least stays in contact.

 

 

i msged her the other day about dinner and she replied that her parents were in fl and she had to take care of the dog. now come on...we have a dog. you cant go to dinner over the dog? palease. let him out and feed him and then meet me for dinner. so i msged her later on asking if she was going to meet up w/ me (this was for like 3 days away) and she never returned my msg.

Maybe you are not respecting her schedule. If she had things to do, do you expect her to drop everything to please your desire to have more friendship in your life? She may have more on her plate than you do so don't take it personally. I would tell myself that her friendship is extended to the degree of text messages. If we talk now and then to catch up, fine. If once in a blue moon we have the luxury to actually meet up, great. Take what you can from people and the more demanding you become of their time that they are not able to give to you, the more they will shut you out.

 

you'd think she doesnt like me or want to be my friend but when i've talked to her or msg'ed back and forth she'll be like "i miss my bff!" and stuff...but other than the words she's not putting effort into it. so idont know what to believe!!!

Seriously, get over it! You sound extremely needy. She doesn't have the same emptiness you have. She is content with the amount of time you communicate and feels close enough to you to be honest with her feelings. If you have a bf you are into, good bye friends is a very common practice. If she is single, she will spend more time with you. That is life. Soon your friends are going to start marrying off and it will be the same where they will have little if any time for friends. Maybe a few who live nearby. Her effort is in the text messages she sends. It's like wanting a relationship with someone who only wants to be friends. She is not willing or able to give you more than you want so you have to not rely on all of your friendship needs from her and put all that pressure on her when she can only give so much.

 

then she messages me w/ how she's annoyed w/ another friend b/c they were supposed to meet for dinner and the friend decided not to come b/c she was lazy and just didnt feel like getting dressed. i wanted to be like "yeah its ANNOYING ISNT IT?" but i didnt beause i dont like to start things.

Maybe she is describing herself that she is too lazy to get dressed and meet with friends. Don't take it personal. I get tired from work and my friends used to get upset that I wouldn't go out as much but now they respect what I want and don't get upset over it. Again, don't put all your friendship needs on her. Be more understanding.

 

she's said things like "we just feel like you dont value your friendship since you got your new job" (who is they?).....like my job is my new best friend; yeah right! shld i quit and not have any money or any success?

Try to be fair. Remember how you only had Wed and Thursdays off until recently? And even then your hours were messed up (still are) so that you work during until early morning hours, sleep during the day and are working in the evenings and night when most friends get together. Have you always been available to meet with her without your schedule getting in the way? On the one hand you want to see her on your terms, then you say duh I have a job does she expect me to quit so I can make more time for our friendship? Try to see where she is coming from.

 

now she's trying to hook me up with her bf friend in maryland. and basically i have no excuse since she does the LD thing. except my job isnt like hers. yes i have vacation time like i didnt think possible but its not as easy to get it off like she can.

So now you are complaining that she IS doing something a good friend would do, such as trying to hook you up with a boyfriend?! Maybe she feels like you will be less demanding of her if you too have a boyfriend. That way you can get your companionship needs met from him, just like how she gets hers met from her boyfriend. She offers a nice gesture, and you complain she is fixing you up with someone LD blah blah blah. Girl it sounds like you are never happy with anything. Dam if she's a friend, dam if she's not- attitude.

 

its just i know my schedule isnt really great right now but that doesnt mean you cant call me and leave me a msg just to leave one even if i cant answer the phone.

I couldn't find a smilie with a "WTF" expression lol

Grow up:) That is like diva behavior. Were you a spoiled princess? I wish I had the luxury of time to call friends I'm not too close with, knowing they will not be home, just to leave a message to fulfill their neediness. You have to be more realisitc.

 

i just am not sure what to do because at this point i have no life whatsoever so i dont even have anything to talk about if i did talk to them.

Bingo, you nailed it. If you did have a life, you would not be expecting so much from other people to fulfill your empty void. I am sure they all sense that you have nothing to offer, to talk about. Do you have any hobbies and interests? It seems like once you get someone on the phone, they feel you hooked them with a bait and will demand to take up their time, want to see them, talk for hours I would bet on the phone all the while they are trying to think of an excuse to get off, like your friend does. I bet that is why she made up the lame having to feed the dog excuse and you are not picking up on it.

 

 

i dont know if i shld be the bigger persona nd just start calling; i just feel like it does work both ways; why cant they call me? or shld i just be like oh well there's another friend lost?

They don't have ESP. How are they to know that justagirl1121 is upset that they are not calling you? Yes, be not the bigger person, but a big person. Act like an adult. Don't sit waiting for all of your old school friends to call, and if they don't you get all mad at them. If I knew my friend was upset that I wasn't calling them yet they didn't tell me or call me themselves, then I would think they have no right to be upset. Pick up the phone and pretend you are a telemarketer. Don't pressure. Call one friend after another until you find one who also would like a friendship with you and talk on the phone, get together and all that. Not everyone will have the time and/or desire to. If you don't put in the effort, you can't sit back and expect things to happen all by themselves like magic. :)

[Mary3]

I can see where your frustration is coming from, but I think your expectations are not too realistic and still at the high school level.

 

 

You sound like you are 12 years old. You live 30 miles away, your schedule is very hectic, working until 1 AM and until recently you didn't have weekends off, your friend also has a boyfriend and other friends to split your time with. Once you are out of college and live away, it is very difficult to maintain all your friends. You are talking about her and five other girls, and also some guys! Some people barely have time to include one full time friend, let alone a whole army of them in their adult life. Work, family, boy/girlfriends, personal things and in your situation distance all take up time.

 

 

I have so many people always calling me that I will go for long periods of only responding to text messages because I know once I get on the phone, it could end up eatinga lot of time. She at least stays in contact.

 

 

 

Maybe you are not respecting her schedule. If she had things to do, do you expect her to drop everything to please your desire to have more friendship in your life? She may have more on her plate than you do so don't take it personally. I would tell myself that her friendship is extended to the degree of text messages. If we talk now and then to catch up, fine. If once in a blue moon we have the luxury to actually meet up, great. Take what you can from people and the more demanding you become of their time that they are not able to give to you, the more they will shut you out.

 

 

Seriously, get over it! You sound extremely needy. She doesn't have the same emptiness you have. She is content with the amount of time you communicate and feels close enough to you to be honest with her feelings. If you have a bf you are into, good bye friends is a very common practice. If she is single, she will spend more time with you. That is life. Soon your friends are going to start marrying off and it will be the same where they will have little if any time for friends. Maybe a few who live nearby. Her effort is in the text messages she sends. It's like wanting a relationship with someone who only wants to be friends. She is not willing or able to give you more than you want so you have to not rely on all of your friendship needs from her and put all that pressure on her when she can only give so much.

 

 

Maybe she is describing herself that she is too lazy to get dressed and meet with friends. Don't take it personal. I get tired from work and my friends used to get upset that I wouldn't go out as much but now they respect what I want and don't get upset over it. Again, don't put all your friendship needs on her. Be more understanding.

 

 

Try to be fair. Remember how you only had Wed and Thursdays off until recently? And even then your hours were messed up (still are) so that you work during until early morning hours, sleep during the day and are working in the evenings and night when most friends get together. Have you always been available to meet with her without your schedule getting in the way? On the one hand you want to see her on your terms, then you say duh I have a job does she expect me to quit so I can make more time for our friendship? Try to see where she is coming from.

 

 

So now you are complaining that she IS doing something a good friend would do, such as trying to hook you up with a boyfriend?! Maybe she feels like you will be less demanding of her if you too have a boyfriend. That way you can get your companionship needs met from him, just like how she gets hers met from her boyfriend. She offers a nice gesture, and you complain she is fixing you up with someone LD blah blah blah. Girl it sounds like you are never happy with anything. Dam if she's a friend, dam if she's not- attitude.

 

 

I couldn't find a smilie with a "WTF" expression lol

Grow up:) That is like diva behavior. Were you a spoiled princess? I wish I had the luxury of time to call friends I'm not too close with, knowing they will not be home, just to leave a message to fulfill their neediness. You have to be more realisitc.

 

 

Bingo, you nailed it. If you did have a life, you would not be expecting so much from other people to fulfill your empty void. I am sure they all sense that you have nothing to offer, to talk about. Do you have any hobbies and interests? It seems like once you get someone on the phone, they feel you hooked them with a bait and will demand to take up their time, want to see them, talk for hours I would bet on the phone all the while they are trying to think of an excuse to get off, like your friend does. I bet that is why she made up the lame having to feed the dog excuse and you are not picking up on it.

 

 

 

They don't have ESP. How are they to know that justagirl1121 is upset that they are not calling you? Yes, be not the bigger person, but a big person. Act like an adult. Don't sit waiting for all of your old school friends to call, and if they don't you get all mad at them. If I knew my friend was upset that I wasn't calling them yet they didn't tell me or call me themselves, then I would think they have no right to be upset. Pick up the phone and pretend you are a telemarketer. Don't pressure. Call one friend after another until you find one who also would like a friendship with you and talk on the phone, get together and all that. Not everyone will have the time and/or desire to. If you don't put in the effort, you can't sit back and expect things to happen all by themselves like magic. :)

 

 

This smile is pretty close to WTF ...>

[Fun2BMe]

This smile is pretty close to WTF ...>

WTF is the WTF for? I think this one is pretty close ..>

[Mary3]

WTF is the WTF for? I think this one is pretty close ..>

 

In your previous post you asked which smiley face best represented what WTF meant. I picked ...hehe

[Fun2BMe]

Oh yeah, I forgot. Thanks!

[MsArtful]

I know how you feel, my best friend of three years got a boyfriend a couple of months ago, and it went from having her calling me so much the point where it was getting annoying, to hearing nothing from her at all. It was a bit of a shock to my system, and when she does come over (very occasionally) she talks to her boyfriend on msn.

 

You have just got to accept that whenever your friends get boyfriends/girlfriends you'll be seeing a lot less of them. It made me sad for a while, and then I had exams to top it off - but you get used to it. Don't always make it so that your always available when they need you, but their never available when you need them. You just need to shrug it off, pick up a couple of hobbies (i do rock climbing now), and form stronger friendships with other people.