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Bite the hand that feeds you


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What's up everyone. I have a friend who I have known since year 9 in high school. He has been one of my closest buddies and he has helped me out in times of need and vice versa.

 

Anyway, after year 12 of school, the group of friends I was part of turned on each other and 2 minor groups of friends were formed who each went their own seperate ways (5-6 people in a group at the time). I was lucky enough to stay in the good books of both groups and therefore, remained friends with just about everybody who I was originally with before year 12 ended. It did come with its own problems though as both groups weren't necessarily happy that I was still friends with the other so I was under constant pressure for a couple years to cut ties with one of the groups. I never did and this isn't the problem, more or less just giving you a background of the problem to come.

 

Anyway, a few years after year 12 ended, one of my groups of friends decided to go to another state (I live in Australia). Usually when this happens, you never see the people again. So they all left except one guy, my best friend from year 9. We still hung out with each other but he started to become fairly depressed. I felt like I was his only friend left since I don't think he had many other connections outside his family. He would become fairly possessive as well, questioning me where I was some night on the net, criticising me when I go out saying how I have the good life etc. So I think to myself and say to myself, 'Alright, I'll give him a helping hand'. So I start bringing him out with me when I go out with my group of friends. The group originally doesn't like him because he was part of the other group but after constant including him with me, they have warmed up to him and basically, treat him as a member of the group. He now gets invited to get togethers the same way I did etc etc. Everything is fine and dandy, the thing that gets me is that he has changed, for better or worse is debatable.

 

Before I started my mission to get him included with the group, he was depressed but still a normal social guy. I was his best friend and we did heaps of stuff together. Now that he is part of the group, he doesn't seem to be, so caring anymore as a friend to me as he once did. He tells me I'm still one of his best buddies (to which it doesn't seem so genuine anymore) but then he goes around to other people saying the same thing. I helped escalate his status or "popularity" but now that he is accepted, he doesn't really seem to be doing the same thing for me. He doesn't invite me to parties he hears about even though I do, he doesn't help me out in the ways that I helped him out when he was in his position. He's also turned into a bit of a hipocrit. When we were best friends, he said he would never smoke, now he smokes cigerettes and weed. When we were best friends, he said he would rarely drink, now he drinks every weekend and gets blind drunk.

 

Sorry if this is all confusing but I'm just pouring out what comes to mind. Basically, I'm kinda in the same spot he was before I made an effort to help him out (without much of the depression and criticising of what he does with his life) and he's in my spot because after he became part of the group, he has gotten the chance to meet more people and make more and more friends. I just feel used I suppose. I still see some of my friends around but not as much as I used too while he goes out whenever he likes. I'm the type of person that likes having time to myself so I don't mind my nights at home but I sometimes miss some of the stuff I used to experience.

 

Basically, my question is, should I stay close friends with him? Should I make an effort to make some different friends? Am I just being possessive like I thought he was being? Am I wrong or critical when I say that I think he still owes me a favour or should help me out in my situation when I did so much at the expense of my own "popularity" with the group to get him back with the group and out of his depression?

 

(PS - Just more background. In high school when we were all one group, he deserted all of us for a straight 6 months or so to be with a girl he apparently loved. He isn't with her anymore but just a fact that will always stay in the back of my mind, I don't know, maybe I was just a fool for staying friends with the guy, can't help but care I guess)

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You might want to broach the subject the next time you feel he has affronted you in some way. Some things that may seem obvious to you may not always seem so obvious to others, even though they probably should be. And some people, though they mean no slight or harm, are just plain inconsiderate at times or thoughtless, although in their own way they might still appreciate your friendship. I don't know if this is the case with your friend or not, but you might want to check that out further and see what his reaction is.

 

If he blows you off or seems dismissive of your suggestions, then he probably does have deeper personality issues which may be counter to the kind of personality you seek as a friend. In that case, yes, I'd move on, because most people aren't going to change. The ones who do don't change immediately.

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Pink Amulet

I agree with Amerikajin.

 

It sounds like this guy was never much of a friend to you in the first place! It seems like your popularity was for the simple reason you seem like a lovely person, he has gained his popularity by fitting in. He doesn't sound like much of a friend to me.

 

I had a girl befriend me once and she seemed such a sweet person. It turns out as soon as I introduced her to my modelling agent (at the time) she no longer was interested in a friendship with me! Such is life.

 

I think you should broach the subject next time you feel he is neglecting you. He sounds like he has some serious emotional issues, so maybe bring it up in a humorous way...

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