ARRGH! Friend's lies! (long)

[GrassSkirtGirl]

This is my first post but, I searched for a place just like this where I could get some unbiased opinions.

 

I will try to make this brief. I have been friend with Patty for about 14 years. we used to be best friends and she has always been jealous of me,I didn't realize it untill we were adults though. I am not bragging just trying to give you all a picture of what's going on.

 

Over the years she had out right lied to me about things. The biggest one is size and weight. Both of us have been biger and smaller but, I have always been atleast a size smaller if not a few. I am shorter and we are shaped different. I recently have been loosing weight because I had weight loss surgery. I wasn't big enough to have the surgery untill I quit smoking and my weight went up enough although I have battled my weight for 8 years going from a size 10 to an 18 over and over again. Well, she keeps telling me in one breath how she doesn't have a high enough BMI to qualify but, then in another breath says "yea, maybe I should get it (weightloss surgery)" She tells so many stories about how she is barely overweight (but in a womans size 20-22 if she were honest) Why lie??? Does she think I am blind? She tried to borrow a shirt of mine and it couldn't button even though she SWEARS we are the same size. ( I am bustier than she is too) I think she is making me insane. I know she is jealous and I am trying to be understanding beacuse I have another friend Lori, who has lost a huge amount of weight and looks awesome. I am so happy and supportive to Lori but not happy with myself for being so fat. It really makes you take a look at your self. I understand Patty's jealousy but, she never even asks how I am doing and even went as far as to tell me she told her DH that I am the same as I always have been (even after I have lost 40 lbs). I got mad and said "I don't think so, I've lost 40 lbs and my clothes are all too big". I really try not to put it in her face or flaunt it at all. In fact the opposite is what is happening. She is an average looking 30 YO bigger woman. She's constantly saying things like "I looked so hot yesterday" and "the cutest guy at the bar wanted me" (even thought she is married)

She copies my ideas and then pretends like I copied her when I do something I have been doing for years and she just started doing.

AAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH I'm sorry this is so long I just don't know what to do. I am trying to be the best friend I can and support her and listen when she needs help I am just having a hard time with this bragging/lie cycle and the fact that she's never happy for anything good that happens in my life. I can't talk to her about it beacuse I have tried before and she makes it to be all my fault and call me a bitch and "miss maturity". I am not jealous of her in ANY way. Her life is pitiful but, I don't ever make her feel that way I just want to be a supportive friend. It's starting to wear on me how she goes on and on about how she's not overweight and everyone thinks she is HOT. Well, I have been out with her enough to say that I have seen that the hottest guys DON'T hit on her. What would you guys do? If I said BS to her statements she will say I am jealous of her. I don't want to say anything to make you all think bad of me but :sick: I would not want one aspect of her life!

[GrassSkirtGirl]

I guess no one has any advice. I am really not a bad person, I try not to rub things in and I almost always keep things to myself when it comes to anything good that happens to me just so she doesn't think I am bragging. I feel like I can't even be happy or share any good news! I kind of feel like this is partially a one sided friendship because I try to be a supportive friend for all the crap she is going through and puts me through and her bad self esteem. I also have a lousy self esteem but, I don't need to lie to try and make it better. Has anyone had something like this? I'd like to hear form anyone. Any stories or advice would be appreciated! HELP!!

[phyrespryte]

I had a best friend similar to yours back in high school. She was good company in general, but we reached a point where we weren't on the same page anymore. She would try to copy me unsuccessfully and she'd flirt with the guys that she knew I was interested in unsuccessfully. It was frustrating because I felt betrayed but at the same time bad for her.

 

I think that you're at a point in your life where you need to start distancing yourself from her. You need more people that support you and are a positive influence. She's just bringing you down with her immature behavior. I wouldn't worry about her weight loss or her insecurities. She seems content the way she is and I'm sure she'll figure out her own life.

 

My friend did. I went to her wedding last summer and she's got new friends that treat her like family. And she's developed her own personality and style.

[typical]

You know, for the longest time, I thought this was written by a high schooler until I encountered this tidbit:

 

She is an average looking 30 YO

 

Seriously, as much as you protest that you are not jealous, I kept having this strange queasy feeling like you were jealous!

 

You know, as they say in grammer school, copying is a form of flattery!! I am sure that she looks up to you, and probably wishes she was you. As far as the rest goes, ignore it. She will probably live her whole life constantly running in your footsteps to keep up with you.

 

When you feel like you cant take it anymore, cut her loose, but kindly. Tell her that you feel like she is sabotaging your friendship with her, and her behaviour is rather immature for someone that should know a little better.

[GrassSkirtGirl]

I realize it may sound childish and if I wanted to write a book you'd get a better idea but, since I am just trying to get to the heart of the matter it sounds kind od immature, and I guess it really is. LOL Sorry. I don't know who to change that. I just need to vent and maybe have people understand. I am really bad with confrontation and doubt I could tell her how I feel with out her ripping me to shreads verbally.

 

Typical,

I have nothing to be jealous of her about. I know this is going to sound so vain but, my life, looks, family, and finances are better than hers. (I am very grateful for) That is part of the problem I have, BECAUSE of that fact I feel like I am a door mat when ever she is feeling insecure, as if I have to be because things have worked out better in life for me and I have made better choices.

 

I am having a really hard time putting it into words with out sounding like a total B**ch. Don't I have a right to say "I am so excited, DH got a promotion" or something like that. She'd be the type to say "My DH got a raise and now he makes 35/ hr" (which is NOT true for his job in this area, more like 1/2 that) I just don't feel like you should disclose money amounts.

 

Sorry I am just at wits end!

[PuppyDogEyes]

I have nothing to be jealous of her about. I know this is going to sound so vain but, my life, looks, family, and finances are better than hers. (I am very grateful for) That is part of the problem I have, BECAUSE of that fact I feel like I am a door mat when ever she is feeling insecure, as if I have to be because things have worked out better in life for me and I have made better choices.

 

Well, instead of gloating over the fact that "things have worked out better in life" for you, why don't you help your friend? Say, maybe go with her to the gym and help her with her weight loss? Be supportive. Recognize that her bragging/lying is indeed low self-esteem, and ask her point blank, "What can I do to help you improve things for yourself?" Sincerity will get more results than superiority. And hear her out - don't let your anger get in the way. Listen to what she's saying. I think imitating you is a form of flattery, in a way - it shows that she admires you and wants to be where you are.

 

Seriously, as much as you protest that you are not jealous, I kept having this strange queasy feeling like you were jealous!

 

That's the feeling that I'm getting too, only it's mixed with just enough arrogance. Really. I'm sure things are just peachy for you, but helping out those less fortunate than yourself is where the fulfillment really lies.

 

Something to think about.

 

-pde.

[phyrespryte]

I didn't get a jealousy vibe. I think that GSG is just being real. Her friend isn't all that, but she's constantly acting like she is. If anything I would think that she's probably feeling bad because someone she considers her best friend is always competing with her instead of being a friend and supporting her. I mean she said that her friend never acknowledged that she's lost weight. Instead her friend said that she looks the same....after a 40lb weight loss!

 

It's not flattery, it's insensitive.

 

I do agree that she should talk to her friend if she wants to save the friendship though. And offering to help her out with weight loss is nice. But I wouldn't bring that up unless she said that she was planning on losing weight.

[GrassSkirtGirl]

PuppyDogEyes,

I had a hard time getting accross my point. I don't play the superiority role at all with her and I do listen to her. ALL THE TIME. That is where I am having the problem, how much of myself should I sacrifice before it isn't worth it anymore? I have tried to talk to her about helping out with loosing weight together or being supportive when her DH is an A** H**E and I get a comment from Patty "Do you really think you know better than me, miss maturity" or "do you think I need to diet?" even if she tells me she is dieting.

Phyrespryte has it pretty much on the money- that is how I feel, I guess I didn't convey it well that I DON'T GLOAT (I said that about having a better life to get my point across when Typical said " Seriously, as much as you protest that you are not jealous, I kept having this strange queasy feeling like you were jealous!") , if anything I play down good things that happen in my life to spare her feelings and I don't think as a good friend I should have to especially when she over inflates the good things in her life.

In my last post I said my finances are better. That doesn't mean I am wealthy and she is poor, We close to the same income bracket, the difference is in how we spend.

[crazychick]

I had a friend like this too. For some reason she was always in competition with me about everything. I am not a competetive person at all. If she had something happen in her life that was good - I was the first person to cheer for her and be excited. If she had something bad happen, I was on my way to her house before she could even finish telling me what was wrong.

 

She was really obsessed with her weight, (understanably because her mother was anorexic and bulemic when she was growing up so she didn't have a very healthy role model) but she would push that issue onto me and our other mutal friends. She talked about weight loss all of the time and this diet or that diet. I always supported her in whatever she wanted do, but I never got involved in the weight loss fad.

 

She would get mad at me if I didn't engage in her competetive spirit. When I just said "Ok" or "That's great for you" she would be upset with me for not being more involved with what she was doing. Our real problems started when we got married in the same year a few weeks apart. I actually helped her with her wedding. I bought magazines, I helped her make her invitations, I helped plan her bachlorette party (and pay for it), I went to all of her showers (3) and paid ridiculous amounts of money on the dress, shoes, getting my hair done, getting the tab at her rehersal dinner for drinks, her present and getting her food on the morning of her wedding. She did none of this for me. I wasn't even allowed to bring up my wedding to her at all. AND she was angry with me because my bridesmaid dresses were light pink and she felt she looked bad in that color.

 

The whole thing was stupid. Then it was about her getting a better house than me, or her making more money at her wedding than I did... etc. Eventually it was just too much to take. I just didn't want to deal with the constant examining of how I lived my life and how she was better at it.

 

I too feel like I have made better choices for things and in my opinion I am not doing better than she is - its just different. We are on different paths. My job is different than hers, and as a result I make more money than she does - but I am also overly ambitious at work, while she just wanted to do something part time and be a mom the rest of the time. That is really good for her, its just not my choices. She bought a condo, and then moved up into a townhouse. I didn't want to buy anything until we could afford what we really wanted, so I when I could I bought a 5 bedroom house. Its just different, not better.

 

As a result of her bitterness towards these things, we are not really friends anymore. There are so many people that will tell you when you need to break up with a boyfriend, but hardly anyone will tell you how to break up with a friend. Some people are just toxic to your life. It is ok to be different from someone and still be their friend - they just have to allow you to be different and not compare themselves to you all the time. You need to make the decision about whether you can deal with it or not. If not, maybe you guys need to take a "break" from each other to figure out if this friendship is something you really need in your life. Mine wasn't, maybe after all is said and done yours won't be either.

[Guest]

I didn't get a jealousy vibe. I think that GSG is just being real. Her friend isn't all that, but she's constantly acting like she is. If anything I would think that she's probably feeling bad because someone she considers her best friend is always competing with her instead of being a friend and supporting her. I mean she said that her friend never acknowledged that she's lost weight. Instead her friend said that she looks the same....after a 40lb weight loss!

 

It's not flattery, it's insensitive.

 

I do agree that she should talk to her friend if she wants to save the friendship though. And offering to help her out with weight loss is nice. But I wouldn't bring that up unless she said that she was planning on losing weight.

 

I feel loads better after reading your post - I am experiencing similar problem at the moment with my friend. She's constantly acting like me and it has reached a point where I don't want to tell her what I am up to in case she is copying me again. I cannot agree more that it's insensitive. She rarely acknowledges and yet always copies, our friendship makes me out of breath and tired with the constant "competition" I feel.

 

GSG, I totally understand how you feel!

[GrassSkirtGirl]

OMG Here I am again starting to get depressed. She is at her s#!t again. I am ready to leave the house just so I don't have to take her calls and listen to her bragging about how "everyone thinks I am so hot" and her lies about loosing sooo much weight. She told me that over night she lost 10 lbs. WTF! did she have her arm cut off? She is still in a tight size 18 or a 20. Who looses 10 lbs over night anyway? And the problem is she will call me and tell me she lost another 3 today. OMG! I just can't take it any more. I am 4 sizes smaller than her but, she claims her BMI is 2.5 points LOWER than mine.

 

I try not to bring up anything to do with weight or calories or anything to do with dieting because she will go on and on seriously for 45 minutes about how she is so awesome and is going to market her "diet plan" because she had had so much success. I can tell she has lost some weight and I tell her she looks good and is doing good. I think she has lost about 15-20 lbs even though she says she is at 49 lbs lost. BS! I have lost 53 and had surgery. She started her "diet" two weeks after I had surgery so basicly she is loosing faster than me? Not that I would mind if she were honest, but she's not. You don't loose 50 lbs and stay in the same size (just a little looser).

 

I really want to loose faster but, I wasn't super overweight to beigh with so the surgeon says I will loose slower and have less skin issues. That is OK with me. I am happy with my loss and excited to see the next size on my tags. Why does she need to compete with me? Why can't she be happy for me? She has never asked me how I am doing. The only comments she makes about my loss are negative. Like "you know, people who have to have surgery to loose weight look old and have loose skin everwhere when they loose weight." and "I can tell you are loosing, you aren't as solid as before and I can see some of your skin is getting loose." (it takes up to a year for your skin to shrink down to where it will be). We get ready to go out to the club and I tell her she looks cute, what does she say... "I know, don't I, I'm F-ing HOT!!!!"

 

I am really going on here, I'm sorry. I just need to vent. Thank you all who made it through this whole thing LOL I really need support!

 

GSG!

[HeyYouGuys]

Sorry hear how unsupportive your friend is being.

 

Is this someone you really want in your life? Perhaps spend less time with her and more time with people who support you and whose company you enjoy.